


Hiding and Seeking

by DOA



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Spies & Secret Agents, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crossdressing, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Female Eren Yeager, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sexism, Slow Build, Tall Levi, Then Stated Sexual Assault, They Will Always Be Listed In Notes, Titan-Haired Eren Yeager, Triggers, i guess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-30
Updated: 2017-03-06
Packaged: 2018-04-06 22:30:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 51
Words: 117,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4238988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DOA/pseuds/DOA
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Her dream wasn't typical. All she wanted was to become a spy. Work on the field and help the world in her own way. Only, women can't work on the field. Or can they?</p><p>Basically Eren is a girl who pretends to be a guy. The ship is important, but there's a lot more to the plot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Who is He?

**Author's Note:**

> Hey ya'll! So, while my other fics are on hiatus due to technical difficulties, I came up with this bad boy! I will write this one on my email so I never lose it! Woo! So, this one is a really slow build, so I hope you guys like it!
> 
> This is first person and in Eren's point of view. I hope you enjoy!

It's not like I planned to do this.

It's not like I'm actually a guy.

I just wanted to follow my dreams.

So, here I am, celebrating my graduations with my friends. We trained for three year, straight out of high school. Here we stand, most of us twenty-one and only now being allowed to drink. Even the underaged people are drinking. This includes my best friend, Armin, and I, but I refuse to drink, to anxious for tomorrow. 

Maybe I should tell you who I am. I'll start with what my transcripts say. 

Hello, I'm Eren Jaeger and I was born on March 30th, 1995. I started school early, so I'm younger than most. I played football for the boy's varsity football team for all four years of high school. I wasn't the smartest, but in my testing, I stand out most in Opponent Reading and Computer Hacking. I'm physically able, marked fifth in out class ranks.

Now let me fill in the blanks for you.

Hello, I'm Eren Jaeger and I was born on March 30th, 1995. I started school early, so I'm younger than most. I was the first girl to play football for the boy's varsity football team for all four years of high school. I wasn't the smartest, but in my testing, I stand out most in Opponent Reading and Computer Hacking. I used said Computer Hacking Skills to change my transcript to make me male. I'm physically able, marked fifth in out class ranks, and nobody knows I'm actually a women.

Well, almost no one. There are two people who graduated with me that knows: Armin and my adopted sister Mikasa. 

Now, let me clear up some confusion. Mikasa graduated in the female section. They specialize in the interior works of the Survey Corps. Research, hacking, communication, all that jazz. Which is great, but that's not what I want to do.

The Survey Corps. is a spy agency made for the national protection of Trost. We watch other countries and make sure there aren't any threats to our government. Most people go into negotiation and public service, but I want to do something better.

Tomorrow is evaluations to join the Special Ops. Squad. They go out and fight for out country. They actually _do_ something. They don't just sit around and watch, no, they do what needs to be done. And that's what I want to do. And that's why I'm not drinking no matter how much Armin bothers me. 

"Come on, Eren! Stop being so serious and live." My normally uptight friend slurs as he leans onto my tighty bound chest.

"I can't have a hangover for tomorrow." I say annoyingly deep and he rolls his eyes.

"Eveyone else will be hungover." 

"So I'll be better than them."

"You already are." 

"Well, I need to make sure." I say and he smiles sympathetically. 

"Stop worrying. You have all of the qualifications. Mikasa will be on communications and I'll be helping President Erwin and it will all be awesome." He says and I smile at the thought. 

Mikasa had graduated top of her class and already has a guaranteed spot on the communications team and Armin has been assigned upon special request to help the President of Trost with negotiations and strategy.

Mikasa is one of the most skilled person I've ever met. She could pass any of the men's physical tests if she was allowed to and can think circles around half of the people who graduated. She's as talented as she is beautiful. She has long black hair that beautifully contacts her white-as-snow skin and purple, grey eyes that shine brightly despite what she's been through in her life. She's a bit shorter than me and much curvier than me.

Armin is one of the most feminine-looking men I've ever met. He has big, baby blue eyes and long blond hair that goes just below his chin. It's a blunt cut too, so it looks a bit like a bowl, but it looks cool in ponytails. We've been friends since kindergarten and have been dreaning about this since. And it's finally happening.

"That'd be great." I say, slipping into my normal voice before I feel a hand slap my shoulder and I cough to cover up anything they may have heard.

"Eren! Lighten up!" Says an annoying voice that I'd sadly recognize anywhere. He stinks of alcohol as his breath hits my face and I turn to him. 

"Leave me the fuck alone, Jean." I say in my most manly voice as Marco walks over, seeming less intoxicated that his boyfriend. 

"Don't bother Eren, Jean. He's responsible, unlike some people." He says and I make a mental note to give thanks to the Freckled Jesus. 

Marco is the sweetest person to ever walk in this training ground. Maybe even the earth. He always puts others before himself and thinks of everyone's feelings. He's tall with blackish hair and freckles that fall on his face like sparkles. He's thoughtful and sweet and cute and if he wasn't gay, I'd have a crush on him.

Jean, on the other hand, is a bit of an ass. How he got a guy like Marco is beyond me. He's hot-headed and rude, but he's loyal, so I guess he's decent. He has a terrible two-tones undercut that looks like a horse mane. To be honest, he just looks like a horse. He's lanky, has a long face, and squinty eyes that make him look pissed of all day, everyday.

I smile to Marco and he nods to me, tipping his cup to me. Jean groans and movers to put an arm around Marco protectively. "Stop staring at my boyfriend if you claim to be so straight." He says and a smirk. 

"What can I say, I like thinks I dont already have." I say and Marco and Armin laugh and Jean's face scrunched in disgust. I like to keep my answers vague, but crude. It hasn't failed me yet. Armin's stare starts to linger to Jean a bit too long and I grab his arm. "Guys want another drink?" I ask them and Jean nods as Marco shakes his head. Armin and I walk over to the keg and he sighs. 

"Eren, he's so perfect." He practically moans and I frown. 

"Is that why you're getting so drunk tonight?" I ask and he nods. I turn his to me and hold both of his shoulders. "You can do so much better. He doesn't deserve a guy as awesome as you." I say normally since no one can hear me and he smiles sadly. 

"But I don't want better. I want him." He says and my heart hurts for him. He fell for the horseface about a year ago. A month before the equine ass got Marco. I still don't know just what happened, but he's been under his spell since.

"I know, I'm sorry." I say and and smirks.

"Can't you just have a dick? You'd be such an attractive guy." He says and I feign offended. 

"You mean I'm not already?" I say in my deepest voice and puff out my chest, truing to look strong and he laughs. 

"You are, but your hair is getting a bit long." He says and I glance at my bangs that fall over my eyes. 

"Does it look girly?" I ask and he shakes his head. 

"It's fine as long as it doesn't get longer." He says and I nod. To be honest, I've come to like the male persona I've developed. I've become rather muscular, having a four pack that looks defined through a shirt. All my muscle is pretty lean, but I can still look guyish in the right clothes. I've mastered the art of wrapping my boobs before putting on a compression wife-beater. I still have curves, but it looks like I have a swimmers body as long as I keep my breasts flat.

My face is a bit on the softer side, but without makeup, I look normalish. My jaw looks manly enough and my hair is only just reaching around the base of my neck. The only thing that's ever almost gotten me caught was my eyes. I have long, black eyelashes that make me look like mm wearing mascara and my eyes are big and abnormally colorful. People tell me they're green, but my mom used to tell me they were blue. I just see green I guess, but they're still dangerously girly. All-in-all though, I've managed to convince everyone I'm actually a guy.

Armin and I get the beers, plus one more for him, and go back to Jean and Marco to see that Reiner, Bert, Connie, and Farlan are over with them. Reiner and Bert nod to us with a smile and Connie steals Jean's drink out of my hand. "What the hell dude!" Jean yells and Farlan and Reiner just laugh.

Connie is the prankster of the group. He like messing with peopl and making inappropriate jokes at really inappropriate times. He's shorter than me and looks almost bald due to his buzz cut. He's lighthearted and a good person all in all though.

Reiner is a natural leader. He's kind and loud and just a big sweetheart. He's tall and built like a fucking wall with blonde hair. We've been friends since the beginning and Imreally respect him.

Same with his friend Bert. They've known each other for as long as Armin and I have know each other. Bert is shy and gets anxious in social situations, but he's sweet. Hes the peacemaker of the group, along with Marco. He's also fucking huge. Like, he's probably taller than some trees. Though his looks can be deceiving though, because he's not as intimidating as he looks.

Farlan is really chill. I've never even seem him raise his voice. He has light blue eyes, sandy blonde hair, and a relxed posture. He's also ranked first in our graduating class, being the best possible candidate to joim the Special Ops. He was trained by the captain himself.

I've heard rumors about the captain before, but I've never seen him. I've heard he's ruthless and terrifying. That his glare has made people faint before. From what Farlan haas said, he doesn't seem that bad, just a bit too serious. I guess I'll find out tomorrow.

Connie waves a hand in front of my face and I snap out of my trance and look up at him. "Earth to Eren? Do you read?" He says and I slap his hand away, laughing. 

"Fuck off, I'm not a space case." I say and he rolls his eyes. 

"Sure Eren." He says and I roll my eyes.

"I'm just thinking about tomorrow." I say and Marco puts a hand on my shoulder.

"It'll be fine." He say with a smile that makes me want to believe him, but I'm too nervous to.

"Just enjoy the guy's night! We have to start out a adult lives tomorrow, so live it up." Reiner says, meaning to help, but not really helping at all.

"I'm going to bed." I say and leave, ignoring their groans and accusations of being a killjoy. I have more important thing to do than party. 

I use this opportunity to take a shower alone. It's the first time in ages I get to without sneaking out in the night. I let the actually hot water relax my nerves that just keep building up.

By the time I'm laying in my bed, my head is spinning with thoughts of everything that could go wrong. Like, they could hate me. They could think I'm not good enough. They could figure out I'm a girl and arrest me for fraud. That last one is still a valid worry.

I've been lucky enough not to experience anything that would give away my gender. No hazing, no late night drills, and best of all, no attraction.

Don't get me wrong, there are some very cute guys, but I haven't felt particularly drawn to anyone. No real emotional or sexual attraction that couldn't be handled. All emotional attractions ended up as platonic feeling and any sexual attraction just... didn't happen. I guess when you've seen so many guys naked, it takes a bit of a miracle to turn a girl on. 

I've been so, so careful since I've gotten here. And I'm so close. I can't get distracted now. I just need to get through tomorrow. One more day.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

I wake up the next day and quickly change into my uniform. I check the time to make sure that I won't be late and find that I have enough time to go to breakfast. My mind works on autopilot and before I know it, I'm knawing on bread next to Farlan in out cafeteria.

"How are you holding up?" Farlan asks and swallow my bread.

"Not well."

"You'll be fine. There's like five openings. Plus you're a pretty impressive guy." he says and I look down.

"I just feel like they won't like me." I say and me smiles. 

"Liking has nothing to do with it. Hell, Levi hates just about everyone, but as long as he respects you, you'll be fine." He says and I look up at him. 

"Levi?" 

"Sorry, Captain Ackerman. I guess I'm still not used to that." Farlan says with a shrug. I've heard many things about how Farlan and the captain knew each other, but all I know for sure is that they lived together and that the captain trained him, which makes him the number one choice.

"You honestly think I have a chance?" I asks and he smiles brightly and nods.

"Of course I do. You're strong, determined, and even if you aren't the smartest..." 

"Hey!" I say as I elbow him and he laughs.

"You're good at what you do." He says and I smile.

"Thank you. That makes me feel a lot better actually." I say and he smiles too.

We chat for awhile and decide to go to headquarters together. The wait is long and there's probably about fifty people from our class. By the time it come down to just a few of us, I'm shaking in nervous excitement. Farlan goes in first. The meeting is short, but I find myself getting way too nervous over it. Imagine the most important job interview of your life and that's what this feels like. A bored looking man comes out and calls me in and I stand up. 

I have no idea what to expect going into this. Would it be a skills test? Just evaluating training? I hope it's nothing too crazy. And the captain. I have no idea how cruel he will be. I take a deep breath as I stop in front of the door. I open it and freeze.

The man before me looks nothing like I'd heard he was. He's tall and strong, sure, but I never expected the cold sounding man to look so... beautiful. He has black hair and white skin like Mikasa, but he looks much different. His eyes have a unique shape to them that make him look bore and tired. But the color is what catches me. They're grey, but I can see a small bit of light blue as he looks at his assistant. I feel my breath catch as he turns his head and looks at me.

"So, you're Eren Jaeger."

_So much for one more day._


	2. Many More Days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to post a second chapter today. Woooo. This is still introduction. The plot plot will start in a few chapters. Idk exactly when I'll post. Could be tonight, could be in two days, but no more than a week. I'll be good.
> 
> So, I got a tumblr. Feel free to follow me if you want. I'll probably make it a pretty chill blog. A little nature. A little anime. A little life. You know, all the goods.
> 
> My URL is http://lavalampwriting.tumblr.com 
> 
> So anyway, here's the next chapter. Please feel free to comment. I read and love all of them. I think I'm gonna make Levi an complex character and I'm avoiding changing point of view in this one. Just FYI. So, here you go! Enjoy!

Why now? Of all times?

I've never felt this way just by looking at someone. There's just something about the way he holds himself. Something about the way he looks down slightly at me. Something about him that makes my knees weak.

But I can't be weak. I have to do this.

_I've made it this far._

I walk over to him and shake his extended hand with a smile. "You must the Captain Ackerman." I say, feeling his warm palm on mine. He takes his hand back after a firm shake and sits down in his chair, using some hand sanitizer nearby. What the hell?

"I know who I am, but that's not why we're here." He says and I find myself amazed by how rude he is being. His assistant slips out of the room leaving just the two of us.

"I've been watching you cadets for awhile and, let me just say, you really made an impression. You started out with sloppy, football footwork and now you're fast and agile. You're smart when it come to field situations, but clueless in social situations. You're determined. You secretly, or so you thought secretly, trained at night while others showered or slept. But, your main con to that list of pros is that you're rebellious. your record says you've been in many fights while training. Why?" He says quickly and I let my mind catch up to the situation.

Holy fuck, he did his research. Down to things I thought were secrets. Could he possibly know? No. I wouldn't have made it this far if he knew. Theres only one reason I've gotten into so many fights. Armin. There are some assholes that keep beating him up for being small and gay. I refused to let him actually fight, even when he was well and able this year. It paid off though, he's working with the president with a clean record. Would he get in trouble if I told the captain? I mean, he already was guaranteed. I don't have much of a choice anyway. It's either I tell him with a two percent risk of Armin actually getting in trouble or not telling him with a one hundred percent chance of getting kicked out.

"My best friend was the smallest of the cadets. He was getting beaten up and I defended him. It just happened multiple times." I say and he nods thoughtfully.

"That's very big of you, but throwing yourself under the bus? Some might argue that makes you stupid." He say and I smile.

"I never claimed not to be." I say and he huffs out what I think is a laugh. That's good, right?

"Well, I don't think it was stupid. I think it makes you loyal. And that's exactly what I need for the Special Ops. We need to be able to trust each other to be able to fight with each other. Will you trust us?" He says and I nearly stop breathing.

"Does this mean you're considering me?" I ask and he shakes his head.

"No." He say and my heart sinks until he continues. "It means I've already decided yes. Meet here at 5 am tomorrow." He says and I jump up from my seat.

"Really? Thank you." I say in a higher voice, but luckily it just sounds like a little boy instead of a girl. He rolls his eyes and clicks his tongue.

"Don't make me regret this, brat." He says and I realize how unprofessional that was. I do the Survey Corps salute, putting your right fist over your chest and straighten my back.

"Yes sir." I say and he breathes another laugh, but this time I look up to see his lips turned upwards slightly in a small smile and I know I'm fucked. His eyebrows suddenly furrow together as his smile falls and he looks down. 

"You're dismissed." He says quietly and I leave the room, trying to convince myself that my quickened heartbeat was only about the fact I'd been accepted.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

"Armin!" I yell as I run into our room and jump on top of him. He squeaks, but then laughs when he realizes im only hugging him.

"I did it! I impressed them. Holy fuck, I impressed him." I say with a grin.

"He who?" He says as he calms down from laughing.

"The captain." I say and his eyes widen.

"You saw him?" He says as he sits up and I nod. "What's he like? Is he scary? Demonic looking? Did he eat your soul?" He says and I laugh before I start thinking about him. I glance to the door to make sure it's closed before turning back to Armin, but my eyes stay down.

"He's really cute." I say and Armin squeaks again.

"Eren Jaeger thinks someone's cute!" He exclaims and I roll my eyes.

"I think plenty of people are cute." I say, but I still can't look at his face. My stomach is flipping as I think back to the way he smiled at me and the way he looked surprised at himself.

"Not like this. You're blushing." He says and I cover my cheeks with my hands.

"Am not." I say and hear the door open, so I turn to see Farlan walk in. 

"I take it for the screaming that it went well." He says and I nod with a grin. He walks over to Armin's bed and sits down as well. Farlan has the room next to Armin and I that he shares with Marco.

"I knew it. So, what did you think of the captain?" Farlan asks and Armin smirks, but I manage to keep my face straight. 

"He seems a bit rude, but not too bad." I say and Farlan nods. 

"That sounds like Levi." He says and I can finally connect a face to the name. Levi. I even like his name. What's going on with me?

"He seems shy too. He was really awkward when he smiled and..."

"What!" Farlan interrupts and I look up to see him gaping at me. 

"What?" I ask, confused as to why he suddenly screamed. 

"Levi _smiled_? He hasn't smiled in ages!" He says and I look down. 

"Maybe that's why he seemed so surprised by it." I say and Armin's eyebrows furrow.

"Farlan, is the captain gay?" He asks and Farlan shakes his head and I don't know whether to be relieved or worried. In fact, I'm just confused as to why Armin asked that.

"I need to talk to him." Farlan says and gets up, waving to us before leaving. As soon as he's gone, Armin turns to me. 

"You don't think he knows, do you?" He asks and my eyebrows furrow I'm confusion. 

"Knows what?" I ask and he facepalms. Hey, Levi wasn't wrong. I'm bad in social situations.

"Does Levi know you have a vagina?" He asks and I look down. 

"Would he have called me out for it?" I ask and he shrugs. 

"Maybe. You just have to be extra careful around him just in case." He says and sigh.

"Fuck." I say as I fall back on the bed.

~~One more day.~~

Many more days.


	3. Prepare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So, this took me a few days and jumping different devices, but here it is! Btw, Happy Fourth! Anyway, thank you guys so much. I feel like this is already going decently if your comments are anything to go by. Please comment any edits that need to be done and where because my iPad was worse than my phone for auto correct and I just got it fixed. Also, just comment opinions and suggestions. I read and take all of them to heart. They honestly make my day. So anyway, here's the chapter! Enjoy:)

I go to Connie and Jean's room around one pm and knock lightly on the door. I know Connie and Marco both wanted to join the Special Ops. but there were only five spots. Well originally. Rumor has it that they expanded that opening. Connie opens the door and jumps on me. 

"Dude, we made it!" He yelled and I look in the room to see Jean and Marco both sitting down playing Mario Kart. I carry him in, avoiding glances from the people passing in the hallway. I set him down so he's standing and he starts jumping up and down.

"I heard you got in too! Farlan told me when he went to talk to the captain. He seemed really confused and why are you blushing?" He says in one breath and I didn't even realize I'm blushing. Jean and Marco pause the game and turn towards me to see. I blush rather easily, bit never randomly. It's normally when someone makes a joke or implies Mikasa and I are boning.

Speaking of, the awkward silence is interrupted by Mikasa coming in without even knocking and walking up to me, grabbing my hand and pulling me away. Connie yells some inappropriate things as Jean whistles as Mikasa pulls me into the hallway. Once we're outside, she wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me close.

"Congratulations. You're officially the first girl ever in the Special Ops. Squad." She says as I wrap my arms around her waist. 

"Thank you." I say in my normal voice and just hold her. I mean, can you blame me? It's the first day in two months we've been allowed to see each other. It's the first day that the dorms stop being monitored. Girls can move in with guys and vice versa we can really do whatever. We stay in the building even though we're no longer "students". 

She pulls back and lets her hand fall to me hands where she slips something in one of them. I glance down to see the tampon and laugh. "I actually forgot." I say and she frowns.

"I would too if I only had it twice a year. Just keep it close by. It's coming soon if you have it at all." She says and doesn't meet my eyes as I slip it into my loose jean pockets. Thank god that we aren't wearing our uniforms today. White pants don't go well.

One think Mikasa doesn't like about me doing this is that I put myself under such physical stress that I don't think I can have kids anymore. Not that I know for sure, but with Google along with Armin, I know my chances are slim. 

Not that I particularly mind. If I have kids, I'm already going to be older, so it's a good thing that I wouldn't have one myself. Adoption always made more sense to me anyway.

"Thank you, Mikasa. You're always a step ahead of me." I say and put a hand on her cheek and she smiles lightly. 

"Go back to your fun. Just check before you get too comfortable. And I'm sleeping in you room tonight." She says and I grin at that.

"Okay, see you then!" I say, back into my man voice and give her a hand sign that we used to use when we were young. My mom taught me one phrase in sign language that basically everyone knows. "I love you." I sign it to her and she smiles before turning and leaving. 

I walk back in to see all theee boys playing Mario and picking the characters. "Save me a controller. I gotta piss." I say and Jean groans 

"Don't jerk off in my bathroom." He says and Connie laughs as Marco slaps his arm. I quickly slip a finger in me to see if there's anything colorful and I pull it out to see black. Mikasa even knows my body better than I do. I wipe the finger and insert the tampon before flushing everything but the inserter down the toilet. I open one of Jean's condoms and stretch it out. I fill it with their lotion and put the plastic piece of the tampon in it before tying it and throwing it out.

I go back out and kick their asses at Mario Kart until probably about five when I too excited to hang out with Mikasa, so I bid my friends a farewell. I go to my room as fast as possible and flop on my bed next to her. I glance around to make sure that no intruders are around and then turn to her with a smile. 

"Hey Mikasa." I say, letting myself sound normal. There are weeks where I can never use my regular voice and almost forgot how to use it, so it's nice to be talking like this.

"I'm so proud of you. The only other girl to come close to you is Perta Ral, and she's only communications for them. You actually did it." She says and I glance down.

"Would they kick me out if they knew? It's unlikely that they would still want me after lying to them." I say and she sighs.

"As long as you pay your dues first, it should be fine." She says and I nod.

"I'll just be the best guy I can be." I say and the door opens to reveal Armin. He shuts the door and looks over to us, perking up when he sees Mikasa.

He practically runs over to the bed and jumps on it happily, hugging Mikasa tightly. I ignore their friendly exchange as my mind slips into thoughts of tomorrow. 

What should I expect. Do we start work tomorrow? Is there even anything to work on. The news tells you jack shit nowadays, so if there was a threat, not many would know.

All-in-all, I have no idea what to expect.

 

 

* * *

 

  

I sit next to Reiner and Bert on one side and Marco, Farlan, and Connie on the other. The five of us are sitting across from the veterans of the Special Ops. 

Eld Jin is only twenty-two, but dropped out if high school to join. He does a lot of undercover work and knows his was around a knife. He looks much kinder than his deadly reputation with his blond man bun and warm eyes, but he's not one to underestimate.

Gunter Schultz is twenty-seven and he's more of a fighter. He does interrogations and transport, along with helping in battle. He's the second best shooter out of all of the Survey Corps. He's tanner than the rest of them and has brown hair that's pointed up in the front. He's more serious, scowl on his face that makes shivers go up my spine.

Oluo Bozard is twenty-nine yet looks like an old man. He's the man who was acting as the captain's assistant yesterday. He specializes in equipment and planning. He looks... old. Not twenty-nine old. Like, late sixties. He has an awful two-toned undercut, worse than Jean's. It has an awful perm at the top and he has wrinkles all over his face. He certainly wasn't blessed with good looks. 

Petra Ral is twenty-two as well. I've had the honor of meeting her before and she's a very sweet lady, but she knows what she's doing. She does all of the research on enemies and all of the technical parts of a mission. Through she's very able, she doesn't go to the missions with the, though. She has red hair and big brown eyes and she's over all just kind of adorable.

Then there's Levi Ackerman. Twenty-five. Skill like his was unheard of until recently. He's the best shooter, fastest runner, best undercover, most stealthy, and smartest of the Survey Corps. Well, smartest next to the President, his wife, and now Armin.

We sit there in an awkward silence for awhile. Obviously no one knows exactly what to do right now. The silence ends when the captain sighs and leans forward looking at his papers.

"I know you guys are straight out of training, but there's someone we need to keep an eye on. There's a country named Shingashina not too far from here and they've been making a lot of noise lately. They've assassinated three world leaders this year alone. I shouldn't have to tell you how urgent this is." He says and I hear a couple of gasps at the mention of the assassinations. 

"Our allies in Sina are another nearby country at risk, but half of their troops have been eliminated." He says and I have to hold back a gasp of my own. Sina is known for having one of the worlds strongest militaries. This really is a threat.

"We're starting out by taking their king and his daughter and bring them here. We need to protect them. We leave in two weeks." Oluo says and hands each of us a file. I glance down and look at the name on each of the files. I glance down to see my name and a serial number written on it.

"Have your section memorized in two days. We don't normally give rookies like you important tasks, but we don't have a choice. The princess is your age anyway." Oluo says and Petra rolls her eyes at his lack of respect.

"I'm sure they'll be fine. There not that much younger than you." She says and Eld laughs.

"Could've had me fooled." He says, looking at an exasperated Oluo. 

"W-well, I'm just making sure that they..." 

"That's enough. Stop acting so old. Wrinkles don't equal experience." Captain says and I have to hold back a laugh at that. Reiner and Connie don't hold back and they get caught on the other end of a death glare from the captain and Oluo.

Most of the meeting continues like this as we discuss details. It's a lot more lighthearted than I would've thought, but couldn't exactly argue. I know that these people are ready for anything when the time comes.

At the end of the meeting, which is like five at night, I notice that the captain isn't leaving. I stay back and wait until everyone is leaving and he sits down at his desk.

"Why are you staying?" I ask and he doesn't so much as glance up at me. 

"I have some files I need to go over. Perta investigated the Titans and I need to read through it." He says and I pause.

"Titans?" I ask and he glances up at that.

"The people of Shingashina. They're known as Titans." He says and I nod. I take a seat back at the table and open my file. It's very detailed, every piece that I'm involved in is highlighted. I take note of the fact that Farlan and I are with Levi and Eld to get the king while the other four rookies are with Oluo and Gunther to get the princess. 

I'm starting to write some side notes of my own before a voice brings me out of focus. "What are you still doing here?" Captain Ackerman asks and I feel my heart stop when I realize he's right behind me, looking at my notes.

"I figure it's quieter here than in my room." I say without looking at him. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding when I hear receding footsteps. 

"Fine. But you better stay quiet." He says as he walks back to his desk and I nod, forcing myself to think professionally as I look back at my papers.

Why am I doing this? Armin isn't even going to be back until late tonight, so that's actually not a valid worry. I guess I feel comfortable here. 

Am I just digging my grave? 

No. I'm being a good team member.

Nothing more.

 

 

* * *

 

 

I don't even notice how long I'd been there, having been completely consumed in my notes. It's eleven now as I get up to leave. I can get six hours of sleep still, but that's skipping a 1:30 shower. As I open the door, I nearly jump out of my skin when I hear the Captain speak.

"Have a good night, Eren." I say and I turn to see him still looking at his paperwork as if he had said nothing. After a couple of hours, I had honestly forgotten he was there.

"You too, sir." I say and he shakes his head as he glances up.

"Call me Levi. You're a part of my team now. I may be your captain, but we'll be fighting as equals." He says and I smile at him.

"Okay. Goodnight Levi." I say as I step out of the room and he nods to me and I walk back to the barracks, clutching my folder close to my chest. 

I don't know how one man can make my feel so exhilarated yet so calm, but here I am, feeling strangely at peace, yer not. It's a dangerous feeling that I've never had before.

I don't think it's a good thing.

But it feels amazing.

It's like a drug and makes me feel as though I should do something I know is stupid. I know the line of stupid and right and my thoughts cross more into stupid. 

As I walk into my room to see Armin reading a file, much like I had been, he must see right through me because his eyes widen then narrow.

"Where have you been?" He asks skeptically and I just smile like an idiot. I don't get why I feel like this. I can't control my feelings like I normally can. Normally, the only thing I can't control is my anger, but this feels like so much more.

"I was just reading over my file."

"For six hours." He states more than asks and I smile. 

"Actually yeah. I mean, you should see all my files. I actually know the plan already." I say and he raises one of his blonde eyebrows.

"That's all?" He asks skeptically and something in me feels the need to not elaborate, so I nod. I mean, it's not that big of a deal.

_Right?_

Fuck, I hope so.

It's so barbardic. I see a cute guy and I'm suddenly a mess. I mean, I talked to him like twice and they were formalities. I've heard the girls talk about stuff like that and I'd just roll my eyes and they'd tell me I'm "such a guy". They say that this is called "love at first sight".

_Love?_

_Oh hell no._

I set my file down on my nightstand and turn off my light. I murmur a quick goodnight to Armin and try to sleep.

_Love. How stupid._


	4. Problem

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyyy! So, I have a lot planned for action, I'm just building to that, so don't you worry. Just more conflicted Eren in the chapter. So, I decided starting with this chapter I'm gonna tag my fics. So for this one, it'll be- fic: HAS
> 
> So, I hope you like this chapter, because I'm gonna pick up the pace soon! Enjoy:)

The next day, I realize I'm the only person who looked at the file. Mostly because I was the only person to put in my two cents. It's right around the end of the meeting I think I surprise everyone when I actually speak up.

"So, Gunther will have to sneak in though by going on the roof and through the latch on the ceiling and..."

"Permission to question?" I cut in and everyone looks at me and I feel like maybe I shouldn't have said anything, but Levi just nods at me.

"Permission granted, but unnecessary." He says and I feel a blush start to rise that I try desperately to stop, but I know I slightly fail.

"Wouldn't it make more sense for our smallest man to do it? They'd be faster and make less noise." I say and Oluo, instead of making a snappy remark like I expect, looks thoughtfully down at his papers. 

"I see what you mean, but how would it be quieter for them when Gunther has experience specifically doing this for years?" He asks and I stand up and walk up to him there there's a map of the building and the ventilation.

"But there's an easier route." I say and point him through the map. There are many different way to get to the garage where we're meeting to get in. "You're having him go around and through a busier area when you can have someone go straight through where there are less people." I say and he shakes his head.

"But it's two inches thinner on either side." He says and I shake my nod back to him.

"Connie could easily fit in there."

"Me?" He says and I turn to him. 

"Yeah, you're small. You can take the route where no one actually goes and go undetected." I say and he nods awkwardly.

"That's actually a pretty good idea." Gunter says and I nearly sigh in relief. 

"Yeah, I guess that makes sense." Olup says as I move to sit down, but I faintly hear something as I pass Levi.

"Not bad." 

I nearly trip, but I catch myself quickly enough that nobody notices. Or at least I hope not. Because I can feel someone's stare practically burning me. 

_I just need to focus. That's it. I'm making an idiot of myself. I can control this myself._

_Of course I can._

At the end of the meeting, I stay in my spot and open up my file and a pen. I start to make edits to the plan when someone sits down next to me. 

I look up to see Levi staring down at his work. Before I can ask what he's doing, he answers the unspoken question.

"It'd be rude of me to be at the desk while you're here." He says as if it's no big deal that his arm is flushed to mine. 

I grunt and move said arm to write. This might be no big deal to him, but I can't even breathe right now. And I hate it. I hate that he makes me feel this way. 

I continue my notes as if he's not an inch away from me. We work in silence until his stomach growls awkwardly loud. He looks up ahead of him while I try to hold back a laugh. Which fails. Terribly. I start laugh a little while he turns to glare at me, making me sober up a bit.

I smile to him as I get up. "We should go to dinner tonight." I say and he hesitates before sighing in defeat.

"Probably a good idea." He says, using the back of his chair to help him up so we're just inches away from each other. It's everything in me not to either lean up to him or stumble back into my chair due to my impending heart attack. 

Wait... Lean up to him?

I'm not seriously thinking about...

Fucking hell.

For the first time today, he seems to realize how awkward I'm starting to feel, because he clears his throat and steps away, avoiding eye contact as I stand there. I'm starting to think that maybe he should just go on his own when he turns back to me by the door.

"You coming?" He ask and I nod as I move to catch up with him. 

When we get to the mess hall, the first thing I notice is the staring. It goes between Levi and I and I feel the need to hide in a hole. Or behind him. I'll go with that. I walk behind him, keeping a good two feet from him. 

It isn't until I get my food and sit down that I feel comfortable. Mostly because Levi gets out a fucking hand wipe from who knows where and wipes the table before sitting down. He doesn't even care that I full on laugh at that. 

He sits across from me and rolls his eyes as I try to recover. "How can you stand to eat in such a filthy place?" He says and I laugh again.

"I guess you're too old to remember high school cafeterias. Those are truly disgusting." I say and he scrunches his nose.

"Trust me, I could never forget those. And I'm just gonna ignore that jab on my age. This time." He says and I smirk cheekily.

"Noted." I say and start to eat today's mystery meat. About five minutes in, I feel my phone vibrate and nearly freak out since I thought it was on silent. 

I look down to see a text from Mikasa.

From Mika<3- Why the hell are you sitting with the captain?

I glance around the room to se Mikasa, Armin, Jean, and Marco all at a table staring at us and shake my head.

To Mika<3- Calm down, I'm just having dinner with him.

From Mika<3- Do you realize how bad that sounds?

To Mika<3- Oh shut up, it's nothing.

I put my phone back in my pocket and look up to see Levi raise an eyebrow questioningly and I just shrug and keep eating.

_Whatever._

 

 

* * *

 

 

I go back to my room soon after dinner to find Armin there with his arms crossed and eyes narrowed. I feel myself start to sweat under his gaze as I go to my dresser.

"Eren?" He says and I gulp, but continues to pull out clothes and ignore him. 

"Eren." He repeats and I know from the tone of his voice I'm gonna hear it. 

"Yes?" I ask and it's like I set off a firework.

"You're _hanging out_ with the _captain_ and didn't _tell_ me!" He says and I turn to him.

"I don't think that qualified as hanging out." I say and he rolls his eyes.

"Did you guys do that yesterday too?" He asks and I shake my head.

"No, we just worked on paperwork. We barely even talked yesterday. Calm down. It's not like anything major happened." I say because it's true. It's not like that meant anything.

"But nobody even talks to the captain and you were laughing with him." 

"That's just because Levi has dry wit. Dry wit is always funny."

"I'm sorry, _Levi_?" He points out and I gulp realizing how bad this looks. I walk over to him and take his face in my hands.

"Listen, if anything crazy happens, I'll tell you. You're my best friend and I wouldn't want to tell anyone but you." I say and his scowl softens.

"Fine." He says and I sit down next to him. "So the captain is actually funny?" He says and I shrug. 

"I don't know if I'd say full on funny, but he's easy to laugh at. I think he has a cleaning complex." I say and his eyebrows shoot up.

"You're kidding." He says and I shake my head. 

"No. Did you not see him wipe the table?"

"I didn't want to say anything, but yeah." He says and I laugh. It's nice to talk to him about this. Yesterday I was to confused to talk but today I'm fine except for one thought pounding in the back of my head. 

Did I actually think about kissing him?

_Houston, we have a problem._


	5. Isabel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS I HAVE FIGURED IT OUT. Okay, for some reason, I'm being super picky about Eren's hair. Don't ask me why. I just am. So, basically, I've charted his hair game development throughout this fic. I put the link below.
> 
> Also, thank you all for commenting and kudoing. I seriously love and appreciate you all so much so thank you. 
> 
> So, here the chapter. Enjoy:)
> 
> Link: http://lavalampwriting.tumblr.com/post/123778610530/part-1-but-like-with-bangs-and-a-middle-part

Time started going by much more quickly. I'd wake up, go to meetings, study the plan, and get dinner with Levi. Although I'm still unsure of my feeling for him, nothing was all that different.

Until now.

It's been about a week since this routine has started and I'm sitting in my usual spot, staring at the girl who came barging in. She has big green eyes and bright red hair in two ponytails. She's cute, in her yellow sundress and brown sandals. And I'm feeling something that I haven't felt in awhile.

Envy.

I'm not envious of how cute she is or how confident she looks, I'm envious of the fact that she _can_ look cute and _can_ wear clothes that make her confident. I'm envious of that fact that she _can_ actually dress like a girl.

Sometimes being around guys all the time makes you forget what you love about being a girl. I never used to make a big deal about what I wore, but I like to look nice. Like the girl I am.

This doesn't make me dislike her though. If anything, her aura is good and somehow without knowing her, I like her. But that doesn't make me any less confused by her presence. 

"Big Bro! The power went out again." She says as she walks in. It's getting close to twelve at night and I don't know how she was allowed in, but it might have to do with what she just said.

"Big Bro?" I laugh at him as his jaw clenches and he slightly glares at Isabel. 

"Please don't tell me you forgot to pay the bill." He says and she smiles innocently.

"Of course I didn't forget. I lost it." She says and Levi groans as he gets up and goes to his desk and Isabel slides into his previous spot. As Levi picks up the phone, she turns to me. "Hey! I'm Isabel." He says and extends her hand which I shake.

"Eren. Nice to meet you." I say and she leans close to me so that our noses are just inches apart with her eyebrows furrowed.

"You're a really pretty boy." She says and I gulp as she scrutinizes me.

"Um... thanks..." I say and she sits back and smiles.

"No problem. Wait, did you say you're name is Eren?" She asked and I nod, making her squeak and me cringe. 

"Do you know Farlan?" She says and I nod, then I connect the dots. 

"Wait, you're the Isabel he always talks about!" I say and she smiles and nods. 

"He's been my boyfriend since eleventh grade." She says and I smile. 

"Aw, that's sweet." I say and Levi clears his throat and I didn't even realize he was off the phone. 

"Are you two done gossiping now? Geez, and here I thought you were a guy." He says and I force myself not to panic.

"Funny." I say sarcastically and he rolls his eyes before ruffling Isabel's hair. 

"I paid the bill. The power should be on soon." He says and Isabel smiles to him. 

"Thanks. Can I stay here until you leave?" She says and Levi seems to hesitate. 

"I don't think that's such a..." 

"Levi, please?" She asks and he sighs and shakes his head.

"No, you should really go home. I wouldn't want to impose." He says and "discreetly" glances at me and I realize that maybe I'm the one imposing.

"Oh, I'm sorry." I say and gather my stuff, but Levi says something that stops me.

"Don't go. I'm sorry if this makes you feel awkward." He says and I turn to see him look at me rather seriously.

"It's fine, I just don't want to intrude on your family time." I say and he shakes his head.

"No, you're fine. Isabel was just leaving anyway."

"No, I wasn't." She says, leaning back in her chair and watching as if this was a movie. 

"I mean, I don't mind if she stays." I say and Levi turns to me. 

"Are you sure? I'd hate to make you feel uncomfortable." He says and I pause for a moment. He looked genuinely worried about it as if we weren't just doing paperwork and it makes my heart melt a bit.

"Yeah, I'm sure. I just want to go through this last section them I'm leaving anyway." I say and Isabel smiles and moves Levi's stuff down so she could stay in the chair between us.

"I like you." Isabel says to me and I smile back before turning back to my work. We work rather quietly except for the humming of Isabel and the scratching of paper. 

As I get up to leave, Isabel taps my arm and nods it towards the door. I nod and say my goodbyes and wait a couple of minutes outside the door. When Isabel comes out, she nearly tackles me in a hug. I get slightly nervous until she pulls back, hands on either one of my shoulders.

"I'm really happy that Levi has a friend now. Farlan told me that you've been staying with him after meetings and even made him eat at a decent hour. Thank you for that." She says and I know I'm blushing at that.

"Um... no problem..." I say and she smiles. 

"You're cute. I think we're gonna be good friends." She says with a wink and I feel relieved to know that that isn't what it sounds like. I'm about to leave when her voice stops me.

"Might wanna flatten your boobs more before you hug someone." She says and I freeze. 

_Oh fuck._

_Oh_ _fuck_ _no._

I turn around to see her smirking and I feel panic start to rise in me. I take a step forward before she lifts a hand to stop me.

"Don't worry, you're secrets safe with me. I like you and I think you're good for Levi." She says genuinely and I start blushing again. "You should really work on that." She says, walking up to me and getting awkwardly close, examining me again. 

"So, we're friends?" I ask and she smiles happily and throws her arms around me.

"For sure. You mind if I visit you tomorrow?" She says and I can't find it in me to say no. I don't know why, but I get a really good feeling from this girl. 

"Sure, but there are only two other people that know and that's my sister and my roommate. Please don't spread it past that." I ask and she grins and nods frantically.

"Of course! Do you know how great it is that I know something Big Bro doesn't know?" She says and I laugh. 

"Speaking of "Big Bro", he's probably getting suspicious." I say and her face falls.

"Shit, you're right! Gotta go. I'll see you tomorrow at 11." She says as she walks backwards towards Levi's office. 

"How will you know where my room is?" I ask and she smirks.

"I have my ways. Ow!" She says as she walks into the door and I wince at how painful that looked.

"You okay?" I ask and she nods.

"I'm fine. You should go get some sleep. Night!" She says and opens the door before disappearing. 

I walk back to the room with another forgotten feeling in me. Not dread like I would've expected from someone finding out, but relief. I walk into my room and fall asleep easier than I have in a long time.

 

 

* * *

 

  

Isabel comes to my room after dinner while Armin's still gone. I explained everything to him and he seems happy for me, but nervous. I am a bit, but it's also nice just to have someone to talk to that isn't male or my sister.

So now we're sitting on my bed and she's questioning me on everything.

"How did you make it this far?" She asks, leaning forward into my personal space. I've come to learn that's just normal for her.

"I just learned how to act like a guy. I was already a pretty big tomboy before." I say and she nods.

"But don't you miss being a girl?" She asks and I glance down. 

"I mean, yeah, but I want this more than being able to curl my hair." I say and she bounces.

"But you're hair is totally long enough to curl! Can I please do it?" She says and I shake my head.

"That's not such a good idea. I don't even have a curler." I say and she pouts before suddenly perking up.

"Promise me that when you decide to tell the world, you'll let me doll you up." She says and I smile.

"I would need you to because I wouldn't know how the hell to do anything. It's been years." I say because it's true. I don't remember how to put on makeup, let alone touch a hair curler without burning myself.

"So when are you gonna start telling people?" She asks and I shrug.

"When it's safe I guess." I say and she bounces.

"Why not now? I mean, what do you have to lose?" She asks and I shake my head.

"I need to at least return from one mission." I say and she pouts.

"But why!" She whines as I lean back on the wall next to my bed. 

"Because, they can throw me out so easily now. I haven't done anything to make them vouch for me to stay. I haven't proven himself useful." I say and she nods.

"Okay, I guess that makes sense. As long as you tell them after this first mission." She says and I smile.

"That's what I was thinking." I say abs she perks up.

"Good. Because you're fucking beautiful and you should let the world know." She says and u know I start to blush. I never take compliments well.

"Eh, thank you." I say and she grins brightly.

"It's no problem. Besides, I haven't seen Levi like this in ages." She says and my blush darkens as her smile turns into a smirk.

"So, do you have the hots for my big bro?" She asks and I start stuttering immediately.

"W-what? Of course no... not." 

"Then why are you so nervous around him?" 

"He's my captain, I'm supposed to be nervous around him."

"That sounds like some kinky shit you're into, Eren."

"What?!" I yell and there's suddenly a knock on the door that brings me out of my embarrassment.

"Come in!" I say in my man voice and Farlan swings the door open and runs to Isabel, practically tackling her.

"I missed you so much." He says into her shoulder.

"I missed you two! I haven't seen you in months!" She says as he holds her. We just recently were allowed visitors or to visit home. 

Tomorrow, I actually have to visit my mom for the first time in awhile. I've only gotten updates on her from Mikasa, girls being able to leave fairly often, but that doesn't help much when you're in my shoes.

They act as if I'm not even there and I realize just how in love they are. Sure, it's a bit young and stupid, but it's so real. Even with the constant distance, they still love each other. 

And for the first time in my life, I realize I want that. But it's not practical and I have better things to worry about.

Being young and carefree is great and all that, and while I am young, I'm not carefree. I haven't been in years. I can't fall in love when I can honestly say I don't fully believe in it.

It's better that I'm alone.


	6. Carla

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's taken me a bit longer than intended to write this. I've been working a lot and I actually get tired at nights, so I gradually wrote this. The good news is that I have written other chapters way ahead of this so this story is almost completely plotted out! Yay!
> 
> So, also, I'm gonna post more Eren hair development on tumblr due to this chapter. I'm being way too picky about this, but oh well. Anyway, here you go! Enjoy!

My family story wasn't very fun.

It's been my mom, Mikasa and I most of my life.

No extended family unless you count Armin and his grandpa.

Just us.

Don't get me wrong, it's been wonderful, but we deal with some shit like everyone else does. My dad just up and left us when I was in middle school. Mom said that he was doing some "not very moral" things at the hospital. I later found out that not only did he become a drug supplier, but he cheated on my mom as well. He ended up getting deported somewhere I have no idea.

My mom, being a single parent and a nurse, worked a lot of hours. It's not like she was negligent. If we needed her, we could visit her all we wanted. The hospital liked her so much that she would get extended breaks if we needed her.

Eventually she she moved from staff to patient when she got breast cancer. That was right when I got into the academy. She was supportive the whole time even though I only saw her on holidays.

Breast cancer later grew to lung cancer and phenomena made a pretty appearance. But my mom is a fighter and is now in recovery. I wanted to be with her today because she gets news on her status.

Isabel is over now, helping me get ready. Although I like my straight hair, I like to curl it when I'm being myself. My mom hasn't seen me as a girl in three years and I wanted to surprise her. Isabel is helping me get ready while Mikasa and Armin sit and watch.

"This is weird. I forget what you look like with makeup on." Mikasa says and I laugh as I try to keep my head still.

"It's just mascara and bronzer. She's just naturally pretty." Isabel says and I know I'm starting to blush.

"Mika? Did you bring a bra?" I ask and she nods, pulling one out. I don't have any with me because it would look really bad if someone found those during drug checks.

"Yeah, let's hope it fits." She says and I nod. Once Isabel finishes my hair, Mikasa hands me the bra and I change into a red floral dress she brought as well.

I quickly change and grab my wallet, facing Isabel. "Thanks for doing this." I say and she fake scowls.

"As much as I think you should show off your hotness, it was still fun." She says and I laugh.

"Ready Mikasa?" I ask, turning to her and she shakes her head. 

"I'm gonna visit her later." She says and my eyebrows furrow in confusion. 

"Why not now? I mean, I'm already going and..."

"I have a date!" She bursts out and I just stare at her, stunned.

I've never seen Mikasa show interest in anyone. I've had my suspicions, but she'd always say no. 

"What? Who with?" I ask and she looks down and barely smiles. 

"I have a date with Annie." She says and my jaw literally drops and Armin jumps up. 

"I knew it!" He yells and I'm still confused and a bit angry.

"Why didn't you tell me you liked girls?" I ask and she shrugs.

"I didn't know until recently." She says and I smile, content with the answer. 

"Well, I'm happy for you." I say and she smiles.

Annie has been her roommate and friend since our first year here. She comes off a bit cold, but she has a good heart. And I'm just gonna be honest here and say she's fucking hot. She has short, blonde hair and piercing blue eyes that could kill you with a look. I have a lot of respect for her and I'm actually kind of glad Mikasa is dating her.

"I'm gonna get going, but you have to tell me _everything_ tomorrow." I say and she nods. Armin looks down at his phone then back up at me.

"Okay, it's midway through dinner. You should be safe." He says and I nod, grabbing my keys and wallet and walking to the door.

"Here goes nothing." I say to myself as I push the door open. I walk as quietly as I can in my flats. You'd think those would be easier to walk in than heels, but I'm still almost tripping every other step. 

I hear footsteps behind me and try to remain as calm as I can as two people run past me. I notice it's Jean and Marco holding hands and running to Jean's room.

I'm gonna try not to think about that.

I make it to the end of the hallway without another sighting of anyone and now I just have to deal with the lobby. 

I look in there, lucky to see that these only like 3 people, heavily invested in their paperwork. I decide that it's safe enough and jog to the door, looking back to make sure that they don't notice. 

Just when I thought I was clear, I walk straight into someone's chest. I jump back in shock, looking up to probably the last person I want to see.

"Shit, watch where you're..." Levi freezes when he looks at me and I'm also frozen in place. "Eren?" He asks and I try to remain calm.

"I'm sorry, what?" I ask in my girl voice and he blinks.

"I'm sorry ma'am, you look like someone I know." He says and I nod to him.

"It's okay." I say and try to leave, but he grabs my arm before I can move past him. I turn to him to find him staring down at me.

"You're really beautiful." He says with a face calm enough to convince me that he was talking about the weather and my face starts to heat up.

"Oh. Thank you." I say and promptly power walk to the door, trying to regulate my breathing.

Because I was surprised I ran into him.

Not because he called me beautiful.

Cause why would I give a shit about that?

You know what? Fuck it. I do care. 

I just don't know why.

I let myself get lost in thought as I make my way to the hospital. The way is familiar enough that I can get there without even trying. Even getting to her room.

As soon as I walk through the door, I hear a gasp from across the room. I look up to see my mom with her doctor, Moblit next to her. 

She's staring at me with wide as I walk over to her and lean down to hug her. She holds me tight in her chair, smiling up at me. 

"You look amazing! I haven't seen you like this in ages." She says as I break from her hug.

"Thanks Mom. How are you?" I ask and she smiles at me, but before she can talk, Mobilt pipes up.

"That's actually why I'm here. Its nice to see you, Eren." He says and I move to hug him. He was a senior when I was a freshman in high school and we played football together. He's technically still an intern, but he's trusted enough to cover my mom's case.

He smiles to me as I move to take a seat next to my mom. "So, we just did a scan on her and I think you'll like to hear that she is currently tumor free." He says and my jaw drops. 

"How? Just a few weeks ago..." 

"I had Mikasa lie to you. I wanted to surprise you." Mom says and I fake scowl at her smirk.

"Meanie. But I can't stay mad. This is amazing!" I say and she smiles at me. 

"She isn't out of the woods yet. She has to stay here for just two or three more weeks so we can monitor her. It's just been so long and all. Then someone will need to be with her at home." He says and I nod. 

"Okay. Mikasa and I can watch her when we're not working." I say and he nods. 

"Sounds like a plan then. I'll give you more details later, but for now, I'll leave you two alone." He says with a smile before slipping out of the room. My mom turns to me with a smirk that can only mean one thing. 

"No." I say and she pouts. 

"Why not? He obviously likes you!" She says and I roll my eyes. 

"No he doesn't. He's just being a good friend." I say and she huffs. 

"I just want to plan your wedding someday." She says and I laugh.

"Maybe someday. But I'm single for now." I say and she sigh, seemingly giving in. 

"There isn't a single guy you've been interested in? Not one?" She says I try to ignore how my head jumps straight to a certain person.

"Not one. I don't need anyone." I say and she smiles sympathetically.

"Everyone needs someone. Not in a romantic way, just everybody needs a person." She says and I nod. 

"I have Armin and we are very happy together." I say and she laughs. 

"How's his crush on that one guy? Name had something to do with pants." She says and I sigh. 

"Jean has a boyfriend." I say and she frowns.

"He's stupid to go for anyone other than Armin." She says and I nod. Jean really got lucky with two great guys. Marco and Jean have strong feelings for each other, but not nearly as strong as Armin has for Jean. I think Marco will find someone better sometime soon.

I sit around and talk to my mom about everything and anything until she brings up something I'm surprised she knows about. "I heard you've become friends with your squad captain." She says and I frown. I feel like he's becoming this everpresent factor in my life and I don't like it.

It's not like our relationship isn't normal. We eat dinner together, do some paperwork, then go home. Sure, we do talk and he's very nice to talk to and he's actually rather funny and... I don't know where I'm going with this. 

Anyway, I just don't like the idea of him becoming too constant in my life. Would it even be allowed if we dated? I feel like it breaks a lot of rules for a captain to date their subordinates. 

But I get this weird feeling in my stomach when I'm around him. When he wipes down his table or those moments where he almost smiles. He's adorable when he talks to Isabel because despite how stoic he may seem, there's a light in his eyes when he talks to her.

And then those moments when we're alone, arms pressed together as we work. How his eyesbrows furrow together or how he sighs in relief when he's finishes a stack. It's all these little things that make this whole thing crazy.

Maybe I'm just crazy.

"Eren?" My mom asks and I actually forgot she was there. The smile I had on my face drops and I panic a bit. When had I even started smiling?

"I don't know what's going on." I say honestly and her eyebrows furrow.

"About?"

"Levi." I say and she sighs. 

"Okay. Who's Levi?" She says and I look out the window. 

"My captain." I say and she perks up a bit. 

"What about him?" She asks and no. I refuse to give her that satisfaction. But before I can say anything, she speaks first. 

"Don't you dare lie to me. Do you like him?" She says and my breath catches. Because I honestly don't know how to answer that. So I don't. And she squeals.

"Really? Oh, that's awesome! What's he like? How old is he? What does he look like?" She asks and I find myself smiling before I can stop myself. 

"He's blunt. Very to the point. His face doesn't really change much, but you can tell his emotions somehow anyway. He's also a clean freak like you wouldn't believe. He has a good heart from what I can tell. He's twenty-five years old but it doesn't feel like that much of an age gap. He's very handsome. He's much taller than me. To the point I have to physically look up at him. He has black hair and blue eyes and... Fuck, what am I saying?" I say and Mom smiles sweetly at me. 

"Eren, don't freak out. This is good. Healthy even." She says and puts a hand on my knee. She really does know me better than I know myself sometimes. 

"Are you sure? I mean..."

"Don't finish that sentence. It's great." She says and I smile.

"Okay. Well, maybe I have a teeny tiny crush on Levi." I say and actually feel relief in that statement. It's not leaving this room, but it's been said, and that at least calms me down.

"I think you should go for it."


	7. Talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I don't have much to say other than two of your favorite people are coming in and ya'll are gonna be kind of happy with this chapter. Comment if you want because I honestly so love when ya'll comment. I hope ya'll enjoy!

Ever since I talked to my mom about Levi, I've been trying to approach him differently. I tried to be more professional, but do you know how _hard_ it is not to laugh at him when he wipes down a table before sitting at it? It's nearly impossible.

Then I tried acting like a bro. I got called out on that shit the minute I started it. He said it wasn't me and to stop acting like a fuckboy.

I guess he wasn't wrong.

But I've had problems trying not to act like a girl. I don't want him to like me, but I just naturally act odd around him. I feel myself gravitate towards him. I want to twirl my hair and giggle and lean against him. And it's weird.

I googled what having a crush is like and I sadly have all the biological symptoms. Sweaty palms, faster heartbeat, and I blush. All the fucking time. I can barely think around him, so how the hell am I supposed to hide the fact I look like a tomato?

So, basically, I've been trying not to make an ass of myself.

Levi's been a bit odd though. The amount of times I've caught him almost smile has increased drastically. He laughs a lot more too. It could be that I'm looking into it too much and he was always this peppy.

Really, I guess I was the only one different.

Or, at least, that's what I think.

I also may be wrong.

I'm confused.

Now though, I stand in the doorway after picking up dinner. I decided to get take out instead of having the shitty cafeteria food. And I come back to _this_?

I walk in to see Levi sitting with two people who are staring at him with wide eyes as he glares at the women. 

Two people I never thought I'd see in person.

The President and the First Lady.

President Erwin is one of the youngest presidents Trost has ever had. I believe he's only twenty-six. I must say that he's much more handsome in person, even if he seems surprised by Levi at the moment. His blonde hair is slicked to a neat combover. His blue eyes are widened in a way I've never seen before. I also never noticed how thick his eyebrows are.

The First Lady, Hanji Zoë (she kept her last name), is only twenty-five. They married right out of high school because of the President's career he planned to take. She's beautiful as well, long brown hair flowing to probably about the small of her back and her big brown eyes are made more apparent by her thin-rimmed glasses. 

"Admit it!" The First Lady yells with a manical grin and Levi groans, but before he can say anything, I take a few steps forward.

"Sorry to interrupt. I'll just leave this here." I say and set the bag on the table. Before I can go, the First Lady throws her arms around me.

"You're Eren, aren't you! Oh, you're so cute." She says and oh my god, she's crushing me.

"Don't break him." Levi says and she lets go of me.

"Sorry. It's been so long since Levi's had a friend other than us!" She says and Levi pinches the bridge of his nose.

"Who said you were my friend, Shitty Glasses?" Levi says and I just stare at him. How could he be so rude to them?

"Shut up, Levi, you love me." She says back and I relax a bit although this is getting a bit odd.

"Calm down you two." President Erwin says and Ms. Zoë starts to pout. Literally pout. 

"But baby, I can finally make fun of Mr. McGrumpy. You should be proud." She says as she walks over to him. 

"We should probably be a bit more polite since there is someone else here." He says and Levi sighs.

"Why start now?" He says and President Erwin ignores him in favor of standing up and extending a hand to me.

"I'm pleased to meet you, Eren. I've heard a lot about you." He says and I see Levi bury his face in his hands out of the corner of my eyes. 

"It's great to meet you too, sir." I say as I shake his hand and he laughs.

"Call me Erwin. You're too proper, like your friend Armin." He says and I nod, surprised he knows I'm friends with Armin.

"He really respects you. You should've seen him when he foumd out he'd be working with you." I say.

"He's a bright kid." He says and I grin at that. Armin would probably die if he heard Pres... Erwin say that.

"So, tell us about yourself, Eren!" Hanji says and pats her seat, gesturing for me to sit awkwardly closer to her, so I just lean against a table.

"I don't lead a very exciting life." I say and she waves a hand as if slapping the idea away.

"Nonsense! I bet you're really interesting. Didn't you play football with my brother?" She says and my stomach hits the floor.

"Brother?" I ask and she smiles.

"Yeah, his name is Mobilt. I saw you went to the same high school as him so I looked you up in he yearbook." She says and Levi and Erwin stare at her in surprise.

"Well this is news to me." Erwin says and Levi nods.

"Yeah. Eren here is a wonderful young man." She says, but I can't bring myself to relax. There's no way you could mistake me for a boy in high school. I had a yearbook article about me being the first girl to play on the football team. She knows.

Luckily, she doesn't bring it up though. It isn't until Erwin and Levi talk about tomorrow's mission that she pulls me out of the room. I dread what's about to happen until she throws her arms around me. 

"I love you so much oh my god." She says and I smile.

"Thank you, Ms. Zoë." I say and she actually cackles.

"Call me Hanji. You are too proper." She says with a smile before her face turns a bit more serious.

"It's amazing you've made it this far without anyone knowing! Though, you've left some holes wide open." She says and I shrug.

"I mean, I got past the initial check, so that's all that matters. I'm gonna come clean soon anyway." I say and she nods.

"Okay. But tell Erwin before you come clean to the whole public. He can protect you. I'll make sure he does." She says with a wink and I feel a grin of relief spread on my face.

"Thank you so much, Hanji." I say and she smiles and hugs me again.

"By the way, I thought you were awesome back when you played football with Mobilt too. I'm actually a fan of yours." She says and shit, my face is heating up again.

"Thank you. Should we go back in there?" I ask and her eyes widen.

"Shit, probably." She says and runs in there and I follow after her.

After probably about an hour more, Hanji and Erwin leave, leaving us alone. I settle down to review the plan and when Levi sits down next to me, I notice he seems more tense than usual. Posture stiff, breathing labored, all pretty much bad signs.

I turn to him slightly before writing on a piece of scrap paper.

"You okay?"

I write and he takes a second before writing back.

"I'm okay. Just a bit nervous."

He writes and I don't blame him. We only have one day until the mission.

"Don't you think it'll go fine?"

"I'm trying not to think about it. I just want to be prepared for anything." 

He writes and I look over to see the slightly lost look on his face. He's still so young to have this much pressure on him. Most men his age stI'll live in their parents basement or are doing internships or that shit. He's the captain on an undercover military squad.

I reach over before I fully think about what I'm doing and put my hand over his hand and his head darts to me. "It's gonna be okay." I say although we both know I'm not exactly positive, but it seems to calm him down as he smiles and looks over at me.

"Thank you, Eren. You're a good friend." He says and my heart nearly implodes. He's smiling. Openly smiling. It's not a smirk like before either. It's a soft, happy smile as he moves our hands so their linked together.

I can't really think straight as he scoots a bit closer to me, gripping my hand a little tight. His smile is actually breathtaking in every sense of the word. Mixed with his words and a feeling I can't exactly place right now.

I turn back to my notes before Levi suddenly stands, not letting go of my hand. "I want to show you something." He says and pulls me to my feet, walking away with a tight grip on me. I stumble after him as he leads me through various hallway, not caring about the states as we pass people who obviously seem surprised about us holding hands and practically running past them.

Before long, he leads me up a staircase that leads me to an area I didn't know the building had a door to. One the door opens, my jaw nearly drops.

He's lead me up to the roof. You can see for miles and miles of houses and trees and lakes, but mixed with the orange rays of the setting sun, it's magnificent.

"Wow." I say as I walk closer to the edge and he nods.

"I know. I love it up here. I've been coming here since I was trainee whenever I would get stressed." He says and I smile and turn to him.

"It's really amazing." I say and I don't think I'm talking about the view anymore. The orange light makes him light up in the most amazing ways. He runs a hand through his hair and turns to catch me staring at him and I swear his face turns a shade darker.

I forgot we were still holding hands until he moves to sit down and I nearly fall. Actually, scratch that. I I fall somehow right on his lap.

"Shit!" I yell and he chuckle as I try and make my way off his lap, but end up just awkwardly squirming around. I finally manage to get off of him and he's laying down laughing hysterically and althought should be pissed, I decide I just really like the sound of his laugh.

"You're an asshole." I say, trying to prevent the fit of giggles that are starting to erupt in me, and failing. I end up on the ground next to him, practically cackling.

Once we calm down, we get to talking. I find out his favorite animal is a bird and he knows mine is any kind of cat. His favorite song is The Way by Fastball and he knows mine is Cherry Wine by Hozier. He knows my favorite color is green like the trees and I know his is blue. "Like your eyes," he told me. I blushed when he told me that. 

"Biggest fear?" I ask him and his eyes flicker down.

"Feelings." He says and I frown.

"Why feelings?" I ask and his eyes glance off the roof. 

"Because they're so strong. They're hard to control. I'm scared of feeling too much. Being taken over by an emotion." He says and I squeeze his hand.

"But that's one of the most wonderful things in life. Finding motivation in something that makes you feel whole." I say and his eyebrows furrow together.

"You make it sound beautiful." He says and I shrug in disagreement.

"It already is beautiful." I say and he shakes his head.

"So are you." He says suddenly and both our eyes widen in surprise at the same time as he stumbles over his words.

"Shit, I'm sorry. That was really lame and I don't know what came over me and..." 

I giggle and squeeze his hand lightly so he stops talking. "It's not lame. It's sweet." I say and he smiles as my cheeks turn red. He scoots a bit closer.

"What about you? Your biggest fear?" He says I glance down. I don't really know if this is something I'm comfortable talking about, but he already answered, so I guess I have to.

"I'm scared of losing the people I care about." I say and he frowns.

"That one is scarily realistic." He says and I nod.

"I almost lost my mom, but now I have her. Even if I can't see her that often, she's my rock. Along with my sister and my roommate." I say and Levi looks down.

"Farlan and Isabel are mine. Plus Erwin and Hanji, but they're assholes." He says and I smile.

"You're close with them, aren't you?" I ask and he rolls his eyes.

"I was the one who finally got them together." He says and my eyes widen.

"Really? How?" I ask and and he smirks a bit.

"I sat them down and told them they liked each other are to just fuck because I was sick of their tension. The next day they came in and announced they had started dating. And Hanji had a hickey." He says and I let out a surprised laugh.

"Fuck, that's straight forward." I say and he nods.

"I didn't see a reason to sugarcoat it." He says and I feel a smile spread on my face. 

"You don't seem like the sugarcoating, fluffy type." I say and he looks up faux thoughtfully.

"I definitely tell it as it is, but I have a heart." He says and I smile and squeeze his hand.

"I know. You always look at Isabel with such love. It's adorable." I say and he scoffs.

"Fuck off." He says, but I don't miss the pink dusting his cheeks.

"Don't lie to me. You love your sister." I say and he rolls his eyes. 

"Yes, I love my sister. Don't be a dumbass." He says and I slap his arm lightly.

"I get it though. I love my sister so much, as protective as she is." I say and he smiles.

"Okay, biggest dream?" He asks and I don't even hesitate. 

"I want to see all of the oceans." I say and his face softens.

"Me too, actually." He says and a grin threatens to split my face.

"Really? I've always wanted to see them. I've heard they're gigantic!" I say and he laughs.

"You haven't seen much of the world, have you?" He says and I bite my lip.

"Um... no." I say and he smiles. 

"It's okay. I've only been in landlocked countries." He says and I nod, before an idea come to my mind.

"Promise me that we'll go see the oceans together one day." I say and he just scoffs.

"You sound like a five year old." He says, but I don't give up.

"Yes I do. Now don't make me beg." I say and he smiles, which I take as I win as he laughs a bit. I move close to him and prop my chin on his chest.

"Promise?" I ask and he sighs, but not like an upset sigh. More like a content sigh.

"I promise." He says as his free arm wraps around my waist. I feel my cheeks start to heat up as he pulls me closer to him, not letting go of my hand. It's a rather intimate position, not in any way professional, and my racing heart is aware of it.

"You have to promise me something else." I say as my head lays down on his chest.

"Which is?" He asks and I feel his chest rumble due to his voice.

"Don't get hurt tomorrow." I say before I can stop myself. I don't know why I feel the need to say it, but I do. I'm worried about him and about tomorrow and it feels too good to be this close to him for this only to happen once.

"You too." He says and I nod. I know it's not something you can actually promise, but I feel like just know he's gonna try to be safe is good enough a promise.

This man is really something else. People think he's hard and cold, but he's not at all. He's sweet and kind and a bit of a softie. His reputation is basically the polar opposite of who he is.

Because his eyes are soft as he looks down at me, much like his smile. He pulls me closer and I melt into him. It's ods how comfortable I've come to be with Levi in only two weeks. I don't normally open to people as easily as I am with him.

There's just something about him that makes me relaxed and nervous at the same time. Like I'm at ease, but I'm shaking. It's weird as I try to get my heartbeat to slow down and nuzzle closer to him, now aware of the fact it's dark out and I have no motivation to move.

That is, until the door swings open.

"Eren! I was..." Armin says as he walks in with Farlan and Jean. Levi and I quickly sit up as they walk over to us, but it's too late. They already saw us cuddling.

"Levi?" Farlan says with a look of amusement on his face that Jean has looking at me. Armin just looks shocked.

"What are you guys doing here?" I ask and Jean chokes out a laugh.

"I should ask you the same thing." He says Farlan chuckles too. Armin seems to regain his senses and turbs a dark pink.

"I'm sorry if we interrupted." He says, grabbing Jean and Farlan's wrists, but they stand still, seeming rather pleased with the situation.

"I'm not." Jean says and Levi glares at him.

"Show some respect. I don't even know who you are and you disrespect me. I hope you know I could make your life hell, you brat." He says and I feel my eyes widen. I forgot that he does have his reputation for a reason and I'm not even gonna lie, that was a little hot.

Jean swallows and salutes Levi, obviously terrified and I can't help the giggle that comes up. He glares at me as I stand up And turn back to Levi.

"I should probably go. See you in the morning?" I say and he gets up. 

"Yeah, but um..." He says and scratches the back of his head almost nervously before glaring at a spot next to my head. I head footsteps and the door open and I assume we're alone.

"So, um... please be safe tomorrow." He says and before I can say how we've already been over this, he leans down and places his lips on my cheek for probably like two seconds before he's gone. Like, he left right after that, for the first time tonight, letting go of my hand. If I thought my heartbeat was too fast before, then it's going over the speed limit now.

Not too long ago, I was trying to get over him. I think I forgot about that sometime today, because now I know that's not gonna happen. My stomach is flipping, my palms are sweaty, and I can't really breathe and I know he's the cause of it.

I don't realize anyone is next to me til I feel something poke my face. "Eren?" Armin says as he pokes me face and I turn to him, making him stop. "What just happened?" He asks and I just smile and shrug. He doesn't have to know what just happened yet. Not considering I see the face of a horse walking over.

"So, Eren. Are you sure you're not gay?" Jean asks and Farlan tries to hold in a laugh next to him. I just shrug and walk past them all. Jean can't even get to me right now.

I get to my room with all three of them on my tail, but ignore them as I go and lay down on my bed, not caring that I'm still in my normal clothes.

"Eren?" Farlan says and I sigh, slightly annoyed.

"Can we talk about this later?" I say and there's a pause before someone sits on my bed. I look up to see Farlan looking down at me with a smirk and I sit up.

"I'm glad you've become so close with him." He says and I punch his arm.

"You're little spoon?" Jean adds and I roll my eyes.

"Fuck you guys." I say and they all start laughing at me.

Assholes.


	8. Mission: Pt 1.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This mission is going to be a multiple chapter thing, but I just want to get you a short intro and give you some supense. I have the end of the mission written, but I gotta do the in between stuff now. It will take me at max a week to update, so be patient with me please! I hope you guys enjoy and I'll probably see you soon.

Sitting on the plane, I don't think I've ever been more nervous. There are just so many little things about the mission that have to go perfectly. 

It's not like we have to deal with Titans yet. We just need to kidnap a king and princess. 

No big deal.

Ha. Ha ha.

Fuck, I'm nervous.

Connie doesn't look much better next to me. His face is pale as the clouds we're flying through. Basically, all of the rookies look nervous.

The veterans are relaxed though and that calms me a bit. Even Petra, going over the plan over video chat, is calm as ever. This really is probably something basic for them.

But this is only our first time and I'm not stupid enough to think it'll go flawlessly. I just need to calm myself down. It'll be fine. It's not like any rookies will be left alone anyway.

I feel the seat weigh down a bit more next to me and turn to see Levi. "You look like you're gonna puke." He says and I roll my eyes.

"I'm fine." I say, but I know it's not very believable. He slips his hand into mine without another word and squeezes it and I somehow feel better.

We stay like this until the helicopter lands on the a mile away from our destination. Everybody else gets out of the plane before Levi lets go of my hand and gets up, me following. He stops right before the door though and turns to me.

I don't think he's ever looked as good as he does right now. He's wearing a long sleeve, black muscle shirt and black, skin tight jeans. I swear he's glowing or something with his white skin contrasting all that black.

It's much different than our uniform with white skinny pants and a brown jacket with a brown belt thing, along with his usual white button up and cravet thingy.

He also has a bit of a beard growing in just barely. It's not super noticeable, but it makes him look more his age in a good way. His face is a bit worried and he's knawing on his lip in a nervous way.

"I'm sorry for kissing you last night, that was out of line, I shouldn't have..." I go on my tiptoes and kiss his cheek like he did to me last night.

"You need to stop appologizing for things that are actually really cute." I say as my face heats up and his face turns pink too. I walk ahead him off the plane to find a shit-eating grin on Farlan's face that I ignore I can't really deal with any of that right now. I need to focus on the mission. Not how I've felt like I'm exploding ever since last night.

The mission is pretty simple. Since it's five in the morning, it's safe to assume that at least the princess will be asleep. We're walking there, probably sneaking past guards or shooting them. Whichever is the better option.

Then Connie is gonna get on the roof by a ladder in the back garden while we wait by the garage in said garden. He's gonna let us in and we split to get out prospective people. By then, the helicopter will be on the roof for our escape.

It's an in and out mission, but I just woke up with a feeling of dread.

Maybe I'm just paranoid.

We start our trek and I take a moment to appreciate Eld and Gunther holding hands. I don't know how I haven't already picked it up, but I think they're dating.

Eld leans over to him and pecks Gunther's cheek, whispering something to him after.

Yeah, they're dating.

Though, yet again, I can't be sure as Levi grabs my own hand again. I try not to acknowledge it as we continue walking. It's early and I need to focus and his hand feels wonderful in mine and... focus.

I'm surprised on how quickly we reach the wall outside the castle. With all of us holding guns and knives, I thought it would be longer to get to the gate.

But there's something that surprises me even more as we reach the outer gate and my hand drops from Levi's to run through my hair angrily.

The dead guards.

They lay looking like they had been torn apart. There's blood _everywhere_  and the flesh is ripped like when you tear the fat off of chicken and you end up ripping the muscle too. And the smell. There's no way to mistake that. It's rotting flesh.

I stare at the body as I hear Eld swallow and say the last thing that I want to know.

"The Titans are here."


	9. Mission: Pt 2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry for the wait! I've been working everyday and yeah, it just didn't really happen. But, I finished it since it's a slow day, so here you go! This mission only has one or two parts left but probably only one. And thank you guys for the comments, kudos, and bookmarks:)*hugs you all* So, enjoy!

We find a spot where we won't be found by security camera and try not to panic. Connie and Marco look near a mental breakdown. Actually, almost everyone looks a bit off but Farlan and Levi who look scarily calm. It's slightly worrying how in control they seem.

Bert is practically pissing himself as he sweats profusely. Reiner and Gunther both seem calm, but I can see the slight tremor in their hands. Eld is working with Oluo on a new plan, unsure of just what to do.

I honestly couldn't be more angry. Why? I don't even know, but I'm pissed. I don't know if we're ready for an offense and it's scary to think we have to do this now. We aren't even prepared for anything like this and that scares me so much.

But it also goes to show how much he underestimated them. They completely took us by surprise and I can feel the tension in the air.

We have to do this.

But we just don't know how.

It doesn't tale long until Oluo stands up with a new plan. We all crowd around him with the map laid down on the ground.

"Okay, screw sneaking in, we're barging in with guns loaded. Those bodies are only a few days old, so we have a good chance of only a few people being there. We need to get in and find them. That's gonna be the hardest part, finding the king." He says, a bit jittery as he looks up to Farlan and I.

"You two are gonna serve as a distraction since where the king is is probably heavily guarded or he's gone. He could very well be dead at this point." He says and we both nod.

"It's a long shot, but there's not much we can do." Oluo finishes and everyone looks a bit better. With a plan set, it all sounds a lot more do-able.

"Good. Now, everyone stick with your groups on the way in. Still search the original locations first." Levi says, still calm, cool and collected. You have to wonder what he's been through to make him so unaffected by all this. 

We all ready our guns and get ready to go. Sneaking to the gates proved to be easy. So was getting to the door. Levi counted from three to one on his fingers and threw the door open.

And nothing. 

It was eerily quiet once we got inside, not a single person around. That's generally a good sign. After a quick nod to the other squad, we went on our way. 

With a few hand signals, we decided that Eld take front while I take the rear. With my gun ready, we walk down the main hallway.

It doesn't look any different than your average castle in the fairytales. Big windows, grey brick walls, large staircases, the whole shebang. Right now, we're goimg down an empty, long hallway up to the stairs. 

Eld stops us next to a random door on the side of the hall. He must have mutant hearing or something because he hears something that obviously none of us do. 

He starts his gun before swiftly kicking in the door, revealing the princess. Literally the the person we're not supposed to find. There's also another girl in there that I find myself surprised I know.

"Ymir?" I say and walk in. Ymir stands up with a shocked look on her face and runs to me. She wraps her arms around me in a gesture that surprises me.

Ymir is a friend of mine from high school. She decided to study abroad and traveled here for college. She's cold and rather detached, but she's honest and loyal and I honestly missed her a lot.

She's also pretty hot if I do say so myself. She has short brown hair, brown eyes, freckles, and amazing cheekbones. She's thin and tall and she might not be that curvy, but she works it well.

"Holy shit, Jaeger, I'm so glad it's you." She says and I smile, having to go on my tiptoes to hug her. I pull away and acknowledge the confusion around me. Some from my team on how I know her, some from Ymir who's noticing the fact I look like a boy, and some from the princess as to what the fuck is going on.

I just motion with my head for everyone to go see the princess and everyone but Ymir and I do. "Dude, you should've told me. I would've been fine with it." She says and motions to me and I smile.

"I didn't want to tell you since its kind of breaking the law." I say and her eyebrows furrow.

"It's not illegal. Being transgendered isn't bad." She says and my eyes widen.

"No no, I'm not actually a guy. I'm a girl body and soul." I say quietly and now she looks more confused.

"You have some explaining to do, but I'll fill you in. These assholes came in, killed the guards, kidnapped Historia's dad and left us here. I'm surprised you didn't run into any of them." She says and I curse under my breath. 

I walk towards the guys and princess to see that they're already calling the other team to fill them in. I walk up to Farlan and take his knife since he already has a gun and give it to Ymir. She smiles darkly at it. "Those fuckers are gonna get it." She says and I have no idea what she's been through but that look in her eye tells me it isn't good.

Everybody gets ready to go as I walk up to the princess who seems absolutely terrified. She's probably my age, I can tell from her body. She's developed, but she has an extreme baby face. She looks a lot like Armin with her blonde hair and blue eyes. She's also shorter than me with I take as a win since I'm the shortest one in the room.

"Hey, I'm Eren. We're from Trost and we're gonna take you there so you're safe." I say and her eyes widen.

"We're bringing Ymir, right?" She asks and I smile.

"Yeah, we will." I say and she smiles, a little bit more calm. 

"Thanks. I'm Historia by the way." She says and I sme and extend a hand, which she takes.

I stand up and look around to see them everybody staring at the door except for Farlan who's giving me a quizzical look.

"What?" I whisper to his and his eyebrows furrow.

"You're voice sounds different." He says and I then notice I've been talking in my normal voice. I quickly cough and try to cover it up.

"I just feel sick." I say and he pauses before shrugging and looking forward. 

I'm confused as to why the door could be so interesting to everyone. I finally figure it out when Eld tries to kick it open again.

Who closed the broken door?


	10. Mission: Pt 3.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last part of the mission. You all are gonna hate me, by the end, but finish the chapter and you'll get an update in a couple of days. Comments are much appreciated.
> 
> Also, another much appreciated thing is the fact you guys got me to 100 kudos before I even posted the tenth chapter. Like, holy shit guys, thank you so much! I love you all and, fuck, I feel like I should have better words for this since I'm a writer, but words can't describe how happy your guy's support makes me, so thank you.
> 
> So, I hope ya'll enjoy:)

Eld started pounding on the door immediately, buts it was no use. We had broken the door in and you can't break it out. Plus no one has any idea how it was put back in place without us noticing.

Historia stands up and walks to the window and beacons me over to her. I look out the window and notice we're only on the second floor. 

"I've heard you guys are well trained, so I'm assuming you can do this. Can you guys climb down?" She asks me and I look down. It's fairly good climbing brick that the castle is made out of, but there's one problem. 

"How will you guys get down?" I ask and a voice from right behind me startles me.

"We'll jump. Just be ready to catch us from the bottom." Ymir says and I nod. I guess most of the room had heard the plan because Farlan is next to me as I open the window.

"I'll go down first and scout it out." He says and I nod and put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing reassuringly.

"Good luck." I say and he nods before going out the window and scaling the wall. When he reaches the bottom, gun in hand, he looks around as Eld speaks up.

"Princess? What's the quickest way to the garden that would go undetected?" He asks and I know what he's thinking. The ladder. We can make it to the roof.

"We need to go through the castle again, but we can make it. I know a pretty disolate route. And call me Historia." She says and I look back out the window to see Farlan give the thumbs up.

I nod to them as I lower myself out the window. I find a place to put my foot and make my way down from there. I try to follow Farlan's trail but nearly end up slipping. I make it down though without injury and fall on the ground to see Eld coming down.

As soon as he makes it to the ground, Historia climbs up on the window and looks down at us. As soon as I give her the thumbs up, she jumps down. Her fall is a lot steeper than I thought it would be, but I manage to catch her all the same.

I set her on the ground and move out of the way as Farlan catches Ymir. We're waiting for Levi when I hear a gunshot from above and freeze. 

_No. No no no._

_That wasn't..._

It's like everything's in slow motion. I need an answer and I need it now or else I' gonna break. This feels so real and so painful as my mind starts to wander to terrifying territory.

_He didn't just die. No. He didn't._

_Please tell me he didn't._

It's not a feeling of your comrade dying. No, this is more than that. This is someone you love dying. It takes a couple seconds until my body starts to react and I approach the wall.

My panic ends when I see Levi decending down the wall and I quietly sigh in relief. It's short lived though as he suddenly messes up his footing and starts to fall. 

Luckily, since I'm there when he falls and it's only about ten feet from the ground, I manage to catch him just fine. It settles me when I feel it: his breath on my face, his heart pounding harshly. He's alive.

Had there not been more important things to do, I would've held him and never let him go, but there are other times for that. I'll make sure there are other times for that.

I set him down as he smiles down at me and gives me a quick thanks. Historia calls for Eld to take the lead as he leans to kiss my cheek, but I dodge it. I need a clear head now. 

"Don't fucking scare me like that, you dumbass." I say and he smiles, knowing me well enough to know I'm not actually mad at him.

I arm my gun as Historia and Eld lead the group to take my spot back in the rear. I focus my gun as my mind spits it's focus: on the mission and the thoughts running through my head.

Did I seriously think I love him? Is that possible? I've only known him for two weeks and yet it feels like a lifetime. I know him and he knows me.

Well, that's actually not quite true. There must be many things I don't know about him. And I _know_  there are things he doesn't know about me. Like my gender.

But I know _him_. He's opened up to me and I can tell he's not one to do that. I might not know everything about him, but I know him.

I can't shake this. This nagging in the back of my head. I know it whether I want to or not.

I love him.

And I'm falling hard and fast.

With that thought settles in my head, I decide to set aside my slight relief and slight panic. We make it back inside and start going down numerous hallways. It's like a maze of hallways.

I notice that Levi has a limp on his right side and it worries me. He needs to get that checked soon or else the damage will get worse. 

Right before we get to the door leading outside, I hear slamming footfalls not too far from us. Despite the fact that we should keep going, Eld stops and covers the girls from the potential threat.

They're decently far away from us still, but we need to get a plan together fast because they will catch up with us. I can tell from the rate of their footfalls that we can't outrun them.

Footsteps quickly approached us and I knew this wadnt gonna be some lucky streak. I turned up to everyone to find them already looking towards the sound as we walk except Eld. 

"You guys need to get them out of here. I've got this covered." I say and everybody nods but Levi.

"You're just a rookie. I'll stay." He says but Eld glances back at us.

"No. He was ranked first in hand to hand combat in his class. We need to get these two out of here then we can come back to help." He says and Levi shakes his head.

"I don't think it's a good idea." He says with a sad look on his face that surprises me. This isn't about my rank; it's personal, like earlier was for me.

The footsteps get louder and the rest of them stop. I don't know how dangerous these guys are, but I'd rather handle them than have anyone else get hurt. Levi is gnawing at his lip, seemingly nervous and I don't think I'm the only one confused.

I think back to his words from last night. He doesn't want me to get hurt and he's scared I will. But the last thing I want is for him to get hurt.

I look up into those blue eyes of his and realize that I'm willingly putting myself in danger for him.

Because I won't let him get hurt.

Because I really am falling for him.

It's with that thought in my head I turn away and walk towards the footsteps coming our way.

"I've got this. Just be careful out there." I say and Levi gulps audibly while the other nod.

"You too." He says and I glance over my shoulder to see Farlan patting his back as they run away. I can do this. Can't I? 

The man finally makes an appearance with a gun clutched to his side. I nearly laugh as I take in his form. He may be fast, but he wore himself out.

He's tired, but something seems off. The Titans have overthrown _nations_. You would think they'd think this through more. But as he lifts his gun to shoot, he can't even get a steady aim. I cross the hall to him as he turns off his safety.

As he goes to shoot it, I duck to make sure he doesn't accidentally hit me and kick it out of his hands.

As soon as I grab my gun, I feel someone behind me grab my head as he kicked my feet out from under me. As I fall, he forces my head to the ground. Hard. When did that guy even get here? That must've been a plan.

I force myself to my feet even though everything is a bit fuzzy. I see something coming towards my face and grab it right as it hits my face. It was luckly just a fist, although I know I'm gonna have a bruise.

With a grip on his hand, I twist him around so that his arm is behind him and his elbow is locked. I kick his feet out from under him as I slam on the back of his elbow, effectively breaking it as he falls.

As he screams, I feel an arm wrap around my neck and something held to the side on my head.

Something cold and metal.

"Choose your next words carefully, Jaeger. You gonna help us?" He asks and I start to panic. He knows my last name. How does he know me? And why does he think I would help him? I have to think fast.

I shove one of my elbows into his stomach as my other hand pushes his gun away from me right as he shoots. The bullet skims my cheek barely but enough I can feel a warm liquid running down my face. _Fuck, that hurts._

I whip his arm so he turns around, dropping the gun and put my hands of his head. Then I use the hand on his chin to yank his head to the side, snapping his neck.

And then he died.

I stand there frozen as I look at the corpse in front of me. I did that. I just killed him. His soul is no longer in that body because of me. The thought is so overwhelming I almost pass out. If it weren't for the other guy screaming, I would.

I scramble to pick up his gun, turning to the other guy. "You killed him!" He yells and I nod.

"Now you better fucking cooperate or I'll kill you too." I say painfully as I take off my belt to tie him, walking towards him.

"You fucker! I'll never cooperate!" He says and waves my gun I didn't realize he had. I shoot his arm holding the gun in the bicep and his arm falls before I walk up to him and bind his legs together with my belt.

I ignore his yell of pain and how I nearly tip over under his weight as I throw him over my shoulder and start to carry him. The helicopter isn't too far. But can I even walk in a straight line? The edges of my vision start to blur out a bit and I know I'm not gonna make it. I only take two steps before leaning against the wall.

Fuck, I _need_ to make it.

I hear footsteps getting louder and louder in front of me as my head pounds at that mixed with the man's screams. This can't be it. Right as I tighten my grip on the gun, I see a person that make me sign in relief.

"Thank god you're... are you okay?" Farlan says and I feel my eyes start to droop against my command.

"Help..." I say and he runs up to me, someone next to him that I don't notice until I look directly at him.

"Are you okay?" Levi says as a weight is lifted off my shoulders and I assume that Farlan took the man.

"My head..." I say, but I can't finish the sentence before my head starts pounding uncontrollably. It's overwhelming. It feels like a stake being driven into my head, forcing sleep upon me like the plague.

I start to fall a bit before Levi's arms wrap around me and I lean into him. I don't even notice he picked me up until we're at the jet, wind blowing at me and forcing me not to lose my last bit of consciousness.

As soon as I get on the plane, Marco rushes to me with the first aid kit. I try to focus on what they're saying, but their words becone muddled together. It's a river of words and I'm too tired to even try and swim in them.

I watch as if it where a movie and I wasn't even here. A numbness comes over me as Marco starts stitching my cheek and I notice there's someone else being taken care of. Oluo seems to have taken a bullet to the shoulder and Connie is taking care of it.

I feel a warmth over my hand and turn to see Levi holding it, looking over at me. His eyes really are beautiful. They're like the sky right after a storm, with light and blue sky seeping in.

I want to say something, but Marco forces my face back to him so he can stitch me up. By the time he finishes, I can barely keep my head up on my own. Marco and Levi move to lay me down with more finesse than I could currently lay myself down with.

The last thing I see is a worried, beautiful man staring down at me before the world fades to black.


	11. Recovery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey ya'll! So, I wrote this chapter today because I know ya'll are pissed about the cliffhanger and I don't blame you. Consider this a gift for being awesome! I hope ya'll like the angsty fluff! 
> 
> Btw, I'm making Eren extremely oblivious because I feel like he in canon is oblivious in social situations. Just wanted to throw that out there.
> 
> So, here's your chapter! Enjoy:)

There's not much I know. I get woken up for five minutes every few hours. I've only recently started staying up for longer periods of time and I've picked up probably like ten things.

  1. It's been 2 weeks.
  2. Hanji is taking care of me and kept my binder on.
  3. I have a severe concussion.
  4. The guy I kidnapped stayed alive despite his injuries.
  5. He screamed a lot while he was in here.
  6. Oluo is recovering well but is put in bed rest too.
  7. My brain is fucked up right now.
  8. I've been having dreams a lot.
  9. About the man I killed.
  10. Levi hasn't left my side.



I always wake up with him clinging to my hand. I focus on him as they take my vitals and make sure I'm not deaf or some shit. Only once have I shown sign of damage, and that's just a bit of confusion, but that's to be expected. By the next check, they weren't worried anymore.

I woke up once on my own to Levi crying. I'm surprised that I woke up then because he was crying silently. I squeezed his hand and he looked up at me, trying to hold back tears. But I told him not to hold back though and he let himself cry freely.

I think he feels guilty that I was the one who handled it and not him. It's not like it's anything that won't heal. I just can't do anything for a little bit.

But it does hurt. God, it hurts like a bitch. It feels like someone hammering at my skull, but the pain doesn't stop there. It trails down my neck and my shoulders, making it nearly impossible to get comfortable.

I hate not thinking. They told me not to think. I'm trying to listen, but my mind is everywhere. How could it not be? I killed a man. Titan or not, I killed a man.

I also hate not moving. I can't read either. Or have the lights on, but that hurts anyway. There's not much I can do.

I'm actually starting to find Levi's presence rather comfortable. I can fall asleep knowing he'll be close when I wake up. Hanji brings him food and he showers when I'm asleep I guess, but when I wake up, he's always there.

He's been really good to me too. He's always asking if there's anyway he can help or anything he can do. He makes me laugh when Hanji puts needles in me to distract me. He fills me in on a few things when I'm dying of boredom and need brain stimulation. He's been helping me with hygiene too, washing my face and hair in the sink as well as making me brush my teeth. He's such a clean freak.

But he always seems to surprise me somehow. He helps me stay positive when I want to do something other than lay down. He tells me how strong I am. He tells me how everything will be okay when I start to feel like it's not. He never lets go of my hand.

He's awake for the most part, but every now and then, I wake up to him asleep next to me, using his arm as a pillow. I'll run my free hand through his hair and he sighs happily, but stays asleep. He's a cute sleeper. His face loses years of age and he just looks happy. I hope he is.

Right now, I wake up to him staring at the wall. His hand is laced in mine as it had been for the past two weeks and he looks rather bored. I mean, I would be too if I just sat here everyday. I can't figure out why he's even allowed to spend all of his time here, but I guess we don't have anything important we need to do right now.

I squeeze his hand and he turns and looks at me with a warm smile that he's been sharing much more generously. "Morning." He says and I smile. 

"I thought it was nighttime." I say as I glance at the clock.

"I was trying to be nice, don't be an ass." He says and I laugh.

"You need to sleep." I say and he shrugs.

"I'm fine. You're the one who needs sleep." He says and I shake my head.

"I do not. I sleep too much already." I say with a yawn and he raises one eyebrow. Fuck. "Shut up. You need sleep." I whine and he rolls how eyes at me.

"I'm fine." He says and I come up with an idea.

"Come here." I say and pull on his hand. He slowly gets up and walks the two feet over to me.

"What?" He says from right next to me.

"Lay down with me." I say and his eyes widen a bit.

"No, it's fine. I'm not tired." He says, but I pull his hand a little bit more.

"I don't care." I say before my mind catches up with me and I feel my face heat up at that, but I keep going. "Just lay with me. Please." I say and he smiles and laughs so softly that it sounds like a breath.

"Okay." He says and I scoot over to make room for him. He lays down next to me and my arms find their way around his neck.

"I'm sorry. I'm a cuddler." I say. It's not like I'm lying. I really like cuddling, but not just with anyone. I just want him to hold me. Is there anything wrong with that?

"It's fine. I could tell. You were hugging the life out of one of your pillows and it was adorable." He says and I laugh.

"Shut up, you asshole." I say and bury my face in his neck as it turns red and he laughs too.

"You're just cute. Accept it." He says as his arms wrap around my waist and I might be heating his shoulder with my face now. I decide to change the subject so I don't die of the heatstroke that this conversation is causing.

"How's your ankle?" I ask and he sighs.

"You're really starting to worry me." He says and I look up at him. 

"Why are..."

"Do you remember asking me that already?" He asks and I nod.

"Yeah, but you see, I can't ask anything else of importance at the moment since you won't tell me what's going on and besides, what if the answer changes." I say, happy to get through that without my head having a pulse.

Levi smile down to me, but it quickly lessens and sigh. "I really wish I could tell you everything. You know I do, but I can't..."

"Overstimulate my brain. I know." I groan and he frowns.

"Sorry." He says and I shrug.

"It's not your fault." I say and he closes his eyes.

"I should've been there with you. It was stupid of us to leave you alone and..."

"Too loud." I say as the pounding starts to come back. He has quite a loud voice when it comes down to it. A sad look crosses his face, but I grab his hand and pull it close.

"There was nothing you could've done. You were hurt and the girls needed you." I say, but he doesn't look convinced.

"But you needed me." He says and I sigh.

"Levi, I'm a trained solider. I might be fresh out of training, but that doesn't matter. There are some things I have to do on my own. I get injured? So be it." I say and his spare hand comes to the side of my face.

"One more hit to the head and you wouldn't be here." He says as his thumb strokes my cheek.

"But I am here. I'm here and alive and I'm gonna be fine." I say to him and he sighs.

"You scared me." He says and I nod.

"So did you, Mr. Shoots-gun-then-makes-us-wait-five-minutes." I say and he laughs. God, I love the sound of his laugh.

"That's not as bad as watching you nearly pass out while holding a captive next to a dead body." He says and I look down.

"Let's not talk about that." I say as his strokes pause.

"It's not your fault." He says and I jolt upright, ignoring the dizziness that follows.

"Of fucking course it's my fault! I killed him. I could've just broken his legs or whatever, but no. He's dead because of me and..." That's when the nausea sweeps in and I'm very glad I have a trashcan next to me. 

Levi holds back my hair as I vomit. It's half puking and half dry-heaving since I haven't eaten much. To be honest, I just can't really bring myself to right now. I just feel nauseous all the time. I only eat when Mikasa comes in and forces me to. She's mothering me more than ever, but she's more happy I'm alive than anything.

I catch my breath as he rubs circles into my back. I hate puking more than anything, but I can't really hold anything down. I haven't weighed myself since I've gotten here, but I'm scared it's not good.

I hate how weak I feel. I can't move quickly without vomiting or passing out. They said that will stop soon, but I have at least a month before I can seriously train. Hell, I've barely walked in two weeks.

But I get up to do so and walk over to the sink and pull out a spare toothbrush. I brush my teeth vigorously, trying not to fall. It's hard to stand sometimes. Not as much because of my head, but my stomach. It's getting kind of worrying.

After using mouthwash, I lean against the sink and try to relax, but I can't. I'm worked up and broken and I just need to fix myself. I don't want to have to rest.

_Not like he's resting._

_I'm alive._

_I have a choice._

I don't remember when exactly it happens, but I end up on the ground. I didn't fall dramatically, I'm just seated on the floor, my legs awkwardly placed beneath me.

"Does it get any easier?" I ask, hoping he knows what I'm taking about. He moves from his place on the bed and sits down next to me on the floor.

"Yeah, it does, but that's not a bad thing. It's knowing you did what you had to do to save people you love. Or care about." He adds the last part quickly and I sigh.

"But what if that was an innocent man?" I ask and he shakes his head.

"If it comes to _having_ to kill someone, that person isn't innocent. It's kill or be killed. Live or die." He says and I nod. 

He was planning on killing me. He had a gun to my head for christ's sake. Plus I was able to protect Levi, the whole squad, Ymir, and Historia. I guess if you look at it like that, it's not quite as bad.

"If it helps, you killed one of their squad leaders." He says and I nearly jump to my feet, but Levi puts his hands on my shoulders to keep me down.

"Are you kidding? Why wasn't I told of this?" I practically yell. 

"It's something we found out from the captive. He was second in command. You really made some noise." He says and I pause.

"How did he know me?" I ask and his eyebrows furrow together.

"What do you mean?" He asks and I think back to that day.

_"Choose your next words carefully, Jaeger. You gonna help us?"_

"That captain knew my name. He knew my last name was Jaeger. That's not normal." I say and his eyes widen.

"No, that's not." He says and his eyebrows furrow together. "Do you have family that lives there?" He asks and I shake my head.

"My mom was an only child and her parents are long dead." I say and he nods.

"And your dad?" He asks and I practically growl.

"Dead to me." I say and his eyes widen.

"Okay. Well, we'll have to talk to Petra to research how they might know you." He says and I nod as I yawn.

"Can you hand me a pillow?" I ask and he chuckles. 

"Come on, let's get you to bed." He says and I shake my head.

"I don't wanna move. I can sleep here." I say and lay down to prove my point. He shakes his head and laughs.

"If you expect me to sleep with you, then the floor won't work." He says and I smirk.

"You laid down on the roof." I say and he nods.

"That's because I clean up there." He says and I can't even stop myself from cracking up.

"Oh my god, you don't." I wheeze and he smiles.

"Fine, laugh at me. But you're laying on the bed." He says and I lower my laugh to a giggle as he picks me up and sets me on the bed. He covers me with blankets and walk around to the other side to join me.

He gets under the covers and wraps an arm around my waist pulling me close to him. It'd exactly what I've wanted since the mission. To hold him close and feel his heartbeat. To know he's alive and safe. 

I wrap my arms around his neck and pull myself up to where my head is in the crook of his neck. I've never noticed how good he smells, like soap and cherries. I kind of wonder is he tastes like cherry too, but I don't need to find out. He probably doesn't care for me in that way and I don't want to make him feel awkward. 

I'm content as his spare hand rakes through my hair gently and he presses his lips to my forehead. He doesn't move them away as he starts to talk.

"I'm so glad you're okay." He says to me and I smile into his shirt and pull him closer if that's possible.

"You too." I say and he sighs, breath yickling my face. I yawn a bit, but it ends up a squeak. "You're so cute." He murmurs and I feel my face heats up drastically. I'd be surprised if he didn't feel it too.

"Stop." I say and he smiles and tightens his grip on my hips.

"Never." He says and I can't help the small giggle that comes out of me.

"Goodnight Levi." I say and he leans his lips a bit more into my forehead for a second as if giving them an actual peck.

"Goodnight Sweetheart." He says and my eyes widen.

"What was that?" I ask and move back to see his face and his eyes are closed.

"Shh, I'm asleep." He says and I giggle a bit and kiss his cheek.

"Goodnight Love." I say and he smiles as I settle back to my original position.

"And I thought my nickname was cheesy." He says and I slip my foot between his legs.

"I'm in a good position to seriously hurt you." I say and he giggles.

"Fine, but I'm keeping Sweetheart." He says and I link my other leg around his so we're completely tangled.

"Goodnight Love."

"Goodnight Sweetheart."

And with that, for the first time in awhile, I fall asleep comfortably.


	12. Chest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it's been so long. I went camping then school started so I decided to pump this out before I have to leave for work. Thank you guys so much for being so supportive and just making me crazy happy all the time. I couldn't do this without you guys.
> 
> So, here's a more plot heavy chapter. I'll update soon with a few new characters;) Enjoy!

I wake up the next morning to Levi's face inches from mine and I can't help but feel that's the way it should be. He's holding me so closely that my arms are pressed against his chest with no possknow way for me to move. Not that I would want to. 

I nuzzle closer to him and he sighs as his eyes flutter open, only to gaze into mine. I feel a bit awkward about being caught watching him, but I can't bring myself to care.

"Morning." He says and tightens his hold on me. 

"Good morning." I say back and his eyes crinkle in a way they only do when he's smiling. 

"I never thought I'd be so happy waking up next to someone." He says and I start blushung worse than before.

"You're so cheesy." I say. I guess you could say I'm unsure of where my relationship with Levi currently stands. I know I have major feelings for him, but I don't know about him. When he says stuff like that, I think he does, but I don't wanna get too comfortable. 

He still doesn't know.

But my heart beats faster when I'm with him and it's hard to breathe. It's like a buildup in my chest that shouldn't be enjoyable, but is in a way. Because it's not caused by somerging bad. Actually, it's caused by something very good.

He pulls me a bit closer as the door opens, revealing a very worried looking Hanji. Her face changes when she sees Levi laying with me though. "Morning lovebirds." She says and wow, my face feels very warm right now. 

"What do you want, Zoë?" Levi says, no longer smiling like before.

"I need you to leave. I need to talk to Eren in private." She says and Levi nods.

"Okay, I'll leave you to it." He says as he gets up, pressing a kiss to my forehead and dodging Hanji's attempt to bump into him as he left.

She had me worried with her pained expression. "You need to stop wearing your binder for a couple of days." She says and I immediately sit up.

"No." I answer matter of factly. I can't not wear it. That's actually dangerous.

"You don't get it, Eren. There's a high probability that you have nerve damage, if not blood clots. You haven't takes it off in a while and it's worrying me." She says and I shake my head.

"But people are in and out of here all the time. And I'm decently sure Levi has only left like three times." I say and she sighs.

"As his best friend, I recommend you just tell him." She says and I sigh. _Can I? Is it already too late?_

No. I can't do it. I may have survived the mission, but barely. They'll just see me as a burden. I need to prove myself.

"Not until I survive a mission unharmed." I say and she pauses before nodding.

"I can understand that, but that doesn't change the fact that you've been wearing that a dangerously long time. You need to take it off for at least twenty-four hours. Plus I need to check your breasts." She says and I sigh.

"Keep anyone who doesn't know out. Only three other people know." I say and she nods.

"Okay, take it off and go back to sleep. You sister, your roommate, and who else knows?" She asks as I move to take it off.

"Isabel knows." I say and she nods.

"She might be able to keep Levi out for awhile." She says and I smile.

"Good point." I say as I take of my shirt. When I manage to take off my binder, she nearly flinches. 

"Eren, how did you get those marks?" She asks and I look down at my chest. To be perfectly honest, my chest is not a pretty sight. It's got bruises and scars all over them from three years of wearing a binder with only breaks at night. 

"Just the binder." I say and she sighs.

"That's bad. This is gonna sound awkward, but I need you to feel you breast." She says and I nod. I do as she says and shrug.

"Why do you want me to do this?" I ask as she sits on the bed.

"Do you feel anything when you do that?" She asks and I do it again. Only then do I realize that something's off. 

"No, I don't." I say and she looks away. 

"I thought so. We're gonna need to do some tests on you, but you need to be in a better state of mind to do it." She says and I groan.

"It's not my state of mind. It's my head. My state of mind is fine." I say and she sighs and grab my hand.

"I'm gonna tell you something I really shouldn't be telling you." She says and looks up at me. "Only Erwin, Perta, Levi, and I know this, but I have to tell you. I trust you too much not to." She says and I nod.

"Somewhere within the Survey Corps. there's a traitor. We recently found information leaving headquarters that we believe is why your attack was expected. If this is true and not just some blip in the system, then the next few months are gonna be hell." She says and my eyes widen. _A traitor? How? Who?_

"You're gonna deal with stuff you never thought about dealing with when you joined and I know you're not gonna quit, so just be prepared. It's okay to be not okay. Don't bottle it all in because it will explode. Because if I'm right, which I really hope I'm not, Trost is next." She says and wow, I feel a nap coming on. 

"Holy... what?" I say, but she knows I know what she said.

"Just be careful. Know your friends from you enemies." She says and stands up. "Go to sleep. When you wake up, we're gonna do some test. Then we're gonna check your progress to see when you can go back to normal." She says and I nod. Right before she leaves, I stop her.

"Thank you, Hanji. For trust me." I say and she smiles back at me.

"To be honest, if it weren't for Mobilt taking care of your mother, I wouldn't have told you. I like you, but that's proof I can trust you. Just please be careful." She says and I nod.

"How is my mom?" I ask and she smiles.

"She's doing good. Mikasa has been busy lately, so they moved her to a nursing home until one pf you can move home with her. Honestly though, she's probably safer there. All that matters is..."

"She's clear." I say with a smile. She nods.

"And worried sick. I've met your mother before and she'll possibly murder me if I don't take good care of you. So rest now. And put on your shirt just in case." She says and I realize I've been sitting here shirtless. I quickly put it on and my the time I can see again, she's gone. 

I lay down and take everything in. My head throbs less as I think about everything, so that's progress. But there's so much we're all gonna have to deal with. All of the Special Opps. Squad is in danger. 

We have to be safe.

We have to be ready.

I need to get _better_.

With that thought, I allow myself to drift back into sleep, missing the pair of arms that were around me this morning.


	13. The Weight of Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, I'm gonna binge write tonight so this is a short term cliff hanger. I finished this while I was at work and I already know what I'm gonna do during the next chapter, so it won't take that long. Enjoy!

I hate not being able to do anything productive. Hate it. At least before I had Levi's company. Now, Mikasa and Armin are at work and besides, Mikasa has been spending most of her time with Annie. 

I basically am waiting for Armin to come in. What I certainly don't expect is for him to walk in crying. He walks over to my bad and falls on it, cuddling up to me. "You okay?" I ask and he shakes his head. 

"Eren, I don't know what to do." He says and I rub his back soothingly. I'm confused since it's still the middle of the work day and yet here he is. 

"What happened?" I ask and he sighs. 

"I think Marco is gonna propose to Jean." He says and wow, that's conflicting. I kind of like them together, but Armin is so perfect and wow. I'm a multishipper and I hate it. 

But why Jean? Why does Jean get all the guys? Well, I have a guy, but... I need to stop myself here. He's not mine and I don't know if he ever will be and I need to end my mental tangent here.

"How do you know?" I ask and he cries. 

"Because he told me." He says and I frown. Marco is so oblivious of he doesn't know Armin's in love with Jean.

"I'm sorry, buddy." I say and he nods.

"It was bound to happen. I was destined to die alone and be a sad cat lady." He says and I laugh. 

"You're not gonna be a cat lady. You're amazing and someone's gonna see that. Plus you're a guy, not a lady, so..." I say and he laughs. 

"When are you coming back to our room. I miss you so much." He say and I sigh. 

"Hopefully I can do stuff again soon." I say and he nods. He sits up pulls me into a hug. 

"Well, I'm coming in tonight. Hanji told me that Levi can't, so I'll stay with you." He says and I smile. 

"Thanks bro." I say and squeeze him a bit until he lets go.

"I'd stay, but I kind of ran out in the middle of work, so I gotta go." He says and I smile.

"Bye." I say and sign 'I love you' to him and he smiles and returns it. I pick up my phone when he leaves to see I have three text messages. 

From Levi- Hey Sweetheart. I'm home sick with the flu so I'll have to stay home today. Isabel will probably visit you at some point.

From Isabel- Don't worry. It's just a bit of food poisoning;)

From Horseface- I'm coming to visit you. I need your help.

I nearly panic when I see that last one was sent ten minutes ago. I type out a quick 'no' as I get up and try to find a big enough shirt that will cover me better.

But then, the door swings open and I'm left in a very awkward circumstance. Jean stares at me in shock as the door slams shut behind him. 

"Um, Eren? Why do you have tits?" 

_Oh shit._

"Ha. Ha, you don't have them?" I ask and the exasperated look on his face turns into a did-you-really-just-try-that face.

"Wait, so, are you a girl or a trans guy?" He asks a bit more curiously as he sits on my bed. 

"Girl." I say and sit next to him.

"Well, it looks like I've been getting beaten up by a girl this whole time." He says, faux disappointedly and I elbow him. I'm surprised that he doesn't even really seem that upset. Maybe frazzled, but not upset.

"How did you do it? Like, how did no one find out?" He asks and I shrug.

"Hacking and luck." I say and he nods.

"Nice job, Jaeger." He says with a smile that soon turns to a frown. "Well, I came for guy advice, but this makes it a bit harder." He says and I roll my eyes.

"I might as well be a guy. I've been one for long enough." I say and he nods, not taking the bait my awful joke gave him.

"I'm so confused." He says and puts his head in his hands. 

"It's okay. Is it about Marco?" I ask and he nods. 

"Sort of. Eren, when do you know you're in love? I mean, you obviously have some feelings for Captain Ackerman." He says and my cheeks flush. He did walk in on Levi and I cuddling. 

"Well, when I knew wasn't very practical. I thought he had died and realized I loved him." I say and his head darts over to me, eye widening.

"Shit dude." He says and I laugh. 

"I mean, he only came out with a messed up ankle." I say and he nods. 

"It's good that you're doing better, too." He says and I smile at him, leaning my head on his shoulder.

"You're being so nice. And I'm surprised you don't seem more uncomfortable with me." I say and he shrugs.

"It's not like I wanted to bang you when you were a guy. It makes it so much less now that you're a girl." He says and that stops me. What if Levi is gay and is attracted to me because he thinks I'm a guy? I don't know if I could deal with that.

"Hey, what's up?" He asks and I guess he noticed my turn in mood.

"Levi doesn't know I'm a girl." I say and he frowns. 

"You're kidding, right?" He says and I shake my head, leaving his shoulder and hugging my arms to my chest.

"It just went so suddenly from his being my attractive captain to there really being something. I can't tell him because he's my _captain_." I say and he looks dumbstruck. 

"And you love this guy?" He asks and I nod. He shake his head. "Then don't be an idiot. Tell him. Because word is spreading around that you two are kind of a thing." He says and I jolt.

"Seriously?" I ask and he nods his head. I really need to do this, don't I?

"If it makes you feel any better, Farlan approves." He says and I laugh at that. 

"I'm pretty sure Farlan is just glad Levi has a social life." I say and suddenly there's a new voice. 

"Yeah he is!" Isabel says as she hurries over to me, pulling me to my feet and hugging me.

"Levi and Farlan have been telling me about how awesome you were during the mission. I'm sorry I haven't visited earlier, but your visitor list was limited." She says and I squeeze her. 

"It's okay." I say and she pulls back. 

"You look awful." She says and Jean stands. 

"Yeah, I didn't want to say anything, but you look really sick." He says and I sit back down, running a hand through my hair.

"Hanji's all worried about what my binder might have done and I haven't so much as ran in weeks. I'm just cooped up in here." I say and Jean shakes his head. 

"If I were stuck in here, I'd get fat, not lose twenty pounds." He says and I realize I actually have no idea how much weight I've lost. I walk over to the scale to weight myself, ignoring their confused looks, and am shocked by what I see.

_113lb_

I normally weight 140lb.

"Well, that's terrifying." I say quite honestly. I try to push that thought to the back of my head as I turn to Jean.

"So, what did you need help with?" I ask and he frowns.

"Um, it's not important." He say, glancing to Isabel who picks up on it.

"Who would I tell, out of all the people your age here, I know Eren, Farlan, and now you." She says and he seems to think about it for a moment before flopping on the bed. 

"I think I'm falling in love." He says and I sit on the bed.

"I already knew that. You and Marco are pretty serious." I say, trying not to frown. Can't Marco just fall in love with someone else? Or Armin? God, this is hard. I can't imagine what it's like for either one of them.

"It's not Marco though. I know I love Marco, but I love someone else too." He says and my eyes widen.

"Who?" I ask and he sighs.

"Armin." He says and I nearly start jumping. _Yes! Wait. Problem._

"So who are you gonna choose?" Isabel asks and he shrugs.

"I don't know. They're both way too good for me." He says and I'm glad he's facing the wall away from me because I smile a bit at that. He really does care about them.

"I wish I could tell you what to do, but I can't. Either way, you're missing out on someone great. It's just a matter of who you would rather miss out on." I say as I sit on the bed and he falls.

"That sucks." He says and Isabel and I lay down too.

"I know it's not much good." I say and he shrugs.

"You're just lucky you have your one guy." He says and I sigh.

"I don't know if he's mine." I say and Isabel laughs.

"You're so wrong though. I've never seen him like this." She says and I grab a pillow, hugging it close. I want him to be mine. God, I want him to be mine. But he doesn't know and he can't know. It's overwhelming, honestly.

"So how's Farlan?" I ask and there's a moment of silence before anyone says anything. And it's not what I'm expecting when they do.

"Eren, your nose is bleeding." Jean says and I look down at my pillow to see that it's covered in blood. I jerk up and automatically feel dizzy.

"Fuck." I say and Jean helps me to my feet and covers my face with his hand as Isabel runs out of the room. He takes me over to the sink in my room and leans my head over it, dropping his hand and a handful blood.

And it's so much blood. 

He pinches my nose and leans me over the sink as my mind starts to panic. 

It's just like then. There was so much blood. When I shot a man. When I killed his leader. He had seemed devastated. What if his leader was to him what my squad is to me? Oluo, Eld, Gunther, Farlan, Bert, Reiner, Connie, Marco, Levi.

I try to keep these thoughts under control as the door opens and Hanji and Isabel come running in. Hanji moves Jean to the side, yelling at him about how he shouldn't be in here. I guess it's a good thing he was here.

She pulls me up and takes my face into her hands. "Shit, you're white as a sheet." She says and I can't even really stand properly, just kind of leaning into her. It's not long before everything goes dark.


	14. I Wanna Get Better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took longer than intended and ended up longer than intended, so enjoy! 
> 
> I guess you could say there are some triggers. Pretty dark backstories.

I wake up to a tight feeling on my chest and too light of a head. I feel like throwing up, but my stomach also feels hollow. I try to open my eyes, but they feel too heavy. There's a hand holding my own as if scared it'll disappear. 

I come to my senses enough to realize the room is louder than normal and that the pressure on my chest is a looser binder than I'm used to. Probably Hanji just being careful. 

I try to open my eyes again with little success, so I opt for squeezing whoever is holding my hand. It's not much, just a twitching of fingers, but the room is a lot quieter after I do that. There's also a beeping that wasn't there before that's normally something I would hear in my mom's hospital room. 

I put all my effort into opening my eyes, trying to ignore the way my head throbs at the light. Someone practically launches himself at me from the bottom of the bed and it takes me a minute to realize it's Armin. My vision is still too fuzzy to see, but there's the smell of his hair that I know without really trying: the smell of peaches.

I wrap my free arm around him and hold him close. If feels good to have him so close to me right now. My sight starts to come around enough for me to see the room is packed with people.

Mikasa and Annie are at the foot of my bed and Jean and Marco are over by my sink. Connie and Sasha, his girlfriend, are by the now recognizable heart monitor. 

Why do I need a heart monitor?

Then there's my whole squad on the left side of my bed. Reiner has her arm around Historia and Ymir is sitting on the other side on the foot of my bed. Right next to me, holding my hand, is Levi. I hear the heart monitor skip a beat at that.

But it's altogether stops a moment when I see not only Hanji, but also Erwin standing by the door. Hanji steps forward. 

"I'm gonna need you to talk for us." She says and I nod, moving more upright as Armin leans off of me a bit. 

"W-what's going on?" I ask and she smiles a bit.

"We think we have a diagnosis for you now. It could help you recover much faster than you have been." She says and I nod.

"Okay, what is it?" I ask as she's sits in a chair next to Connie and Sasha.

"You have a form of post traumatic stress disorder that's not very common. There's no main trigger for you, you're just so wound up that you could snap at any minute. It causes nausea, which would explain why you won't eat, exhaustion, dizziness. I'm not saying your concussion wasn't bad, but it might not be the cause of all the problems you currently have." She says and I take a moment to let that sink in.

It would make sense. Everything right now is just so surreal that I can't find a relief. "So, what can I do to get better than?" I ask and I hear a sigh from across the room.

"It's not like that. It's trying to minimize stressors as much as possible." Erwin says with a frown. "Which is why I want you to take some time off." He says and that has me fully sitting up.

"I'm sorry sir, but I refuse. That would only make it worse when I return. I just need to make myself get better." I say and Annie shakes her head.

"And how do you do that without creating more stress?" She says and I sigh. 

"But if I take time off then come back, it'll be worse. I'm sorry, but with all due respect, I think you're wrong." I say and Erwin nods.

"You got some balls to say no to me. I like that." He says with a smile that I match.  

"Well, if that's the case, you should go back to training within the next few days. Not heavily, mainly strategy. Slowly ease you back into physical stuff." Hanji says and I nod. She hanods me her clipboard and I nearly sigh out loud in relief.

_Your blood work is fine, but you shouldn't wear anything tighter than a wrap. But I'm sorry to say the nerve damage is permanent. Be more careful, hun._

I hand it back to her and nod, making her smile. I can deal with nerve damage, I can't deal with fucked up blood. She leaves the room with Erwin on her tail and I turn to Sasha and extend an arm to her.

"I haven't seen you in ages." I say and she hugs my free side. The last time I saw her was probably over three months ago. She's an awesome person. Slightly obnoxious, but still polite and caring.

She's around my height and actually quite similar built as me. Honestly, if I still had long hair and looked like a girl, the only giveaway would be our eyes, hers being a dark brown.

She's good friends with Mikasa as well. Probably her best friend that she isn't dating, actually. I haven't had the opportunity to see Annie or she since before graduation though.

She smiles to me after she pulls back, but there's something behind it making it falter. "It's good to see you, even with these circumstances." She says and my eyebrows furrow.

"But I'm fine. Honestly." I say and I hear a sign from the other side of the bed.

"Eren, we're worried about you. You were the only one to get seriously injured during that mission." Eld says and my heart sinks. Even Oluo, who was shot, looks fully healed.

"I know. I'm sorry I couldn't be stronger, but..." 

"It's not that." Gunther says and I find myself confused.

"Then what is it?" I ask and Reiner sighs.

"It just seems like they have it in for you more than the rest of us. We should've realized that sooner and..." 

"Don't worry about that." I say and they all seems surprised at my nonchalant attitude. "If they have a bone to pick with me, I'm just gonna have to be ready for them." I say and the whole room seems silent as if avoiding the elephant in the room. The fact that I'm still in a hospital bed. Nobody mentions it though so I think that's good. I'm not being kicked off due to being the weakest.

To be honest, it does make sense that they were after me. I mean, they knew who I was. That's just my normal. I guess that makes me wonder how much they know about me? Because when it comes to the enemy, the less they know, the better. 

But I wonder how they might know. Hanji said there was a traitor among us, but how do we find out who? It makes me worried, not knowing who it is. It could be literally anyone.

Levi squeezes my hand and I realize everyone else in the room has gone off into their own conversations and it makes me smile. I'm at least glad that they all get to see each other. Life has made us all pretty busy.

I look over to Levi to see him gnawing at his bottom lip. I bring his hand to my lips and kiss them lightly and he seems to relax at that, but not much. 

It's not too long after that people start to filter out, leaving Levi, Mikasa, Armin, and I. When she realizes I'm perfectly comfortable with all of them, she walks up to me and grabs my shirt, pulling me til we're nose to nose.

"You're smarter than to let yourself get this bad. Don't be an idiot." She says and lets go of me while I nod. She storms out of the room only to return with food. She walks up to me and practically forces it into my mouth.

"Mikasa!" Armin yells as I start gagging automatically. She drops it quickly and backs up as I lean back over the trash next to me. I pair of hands hold back my hair and I sigh.

"I'm fine." I say and straighten up to see Levi sitting closer to me, one of his hands still on my neck. He pulls me to lean on his shoulder, leading to a glare at him from Mikasa. That's right, I haven't been able to tell her. Or Armin really.

I pick up a carrot and try eating that. It goes a lot better since it's not as rich. I chew on it and try to fight the urge to gag. Levi strokes my hair as I try to relax, but if I relax, I know I'm gonna cough it up.

This doesn't even seem natural how disgusted food makes me. It's not like I'm doing this to lose weight. On the contrary, actually. I want to gain weight, but there's a little thing called willpower taht won't let me. As in, I don't have enough.

I can tell Levi has something to say, but won't say it until they're gone. Only problem with that is that they're not gonna leave me. It at least that's what I think until Armin lightly tugs at Mikasa's arm and she seems to get the hint.

"We're gonna grab some pillows and blankets." She says and signals that we have to talk. Levi doesn't seem to pay much attention to them as they quietly leave. As soon as the door clicks shut, he wraps his arms around my neck and pulls me close. It takes me a moment to realize he's shaking. I wrap my arms around his waist and pull his so he's practically in my lap.

His head is next to mine and he sighs a bit before talking, so quietly it's as if it's for my ears only.

"You scared me so badly." He says and make my hold on him firmer.

"I'm sorry." I say and he shakes his head.

"Don't think this is your fault. No one else does. We always make the first mission for rookies as easy as possible. You got a really short stick. No one should ever have to kill someone their first time." He says and I let out a shaky sigh.

"It's still weird to think I killed someone." I say and he nods.

"It always is." He says and I have to wonder how many people he's had to kill. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a bit sobering.

"I guess it's just weird. To think I could do that. Be so much like him." I say and Levi pulls back. 

"Like who?" He says and I pause. I hadn't meant to let that slip.

"Um, no one." I say and his eyebrows furrow.

"No, tell me." He says and I sigh. I really hate talking about this.

"My dad got deported when I was young. I found out he had illegally sold drugs from the hospital he worked at and he cheated on my mom." I say and gulp. _Should I even mention it? Because I'm still not positive._

He has a worried look on his face that means it's probably pretty obvious there's more that I'm not saying. I close my eyes and continue.

"I tried to find out where he had ended up but they all led to dead ends. The only thing I ever found from him was a cold case. He had been accused of murder. But it wasn't just one. It was multiple people. The case was never solved so I was never sure, but I just always had a gut feeling. Something about when he left." I say and Levi frowns. 

"What happened when he left?" He asks and I bury my face into his neck.

"I tried to stop him and he hit me. It wasn't even a hit, he punched me to the ground. That was the first time he ever hit me and the last time I've seen him." I say and he has a sharp intake of breath.

"I'm so sorry." He says before smiling exasperatedly. "I get it though. I was orphaned pretty young, so I get the daddy issues thing." He says and lift my head.

"Feel free to dump your backstory on me considering you juat got word vomit from me." I say and he laughs.

"Better than actual vomit." He says and I roll my eyes, making him laugh.

"Really though, you can tell me about it." I say and his smile lessens.

"Maybe another time. Mine takes a while to tell." He say and I nod. He presses my forehead to mine, so close I can feel his breath as he starts talking.

"My reason in telling you that is that we all have a bit of it too. PTSD, I mean. Just know that any of us who have been on multiple missions get what you've been through. Even Farlan will understand it to an extent." He says and my eyes widen.

"All of you guys?" I ask and he chuckles.

"We're still people. They're normal, I'm normal, we're all normal. Before being a captain, I am a man." He says and I think about that. He's just a man. So if I told him...

"Eren, I'm really glad I can trust you. I don't know why, but I feel so close to you." He says and there's a heat not caused by my face and I know I'm fucked. I need to come clean with this.

"Levi?" I ask and he hums calmly. Before I can say anything, the door opens. I glance over to see Armin and Mikasa standing in the doorway with a shocked looks on their faces and I sigh. This is gonna have to wait.

I look back at Levi to see him getting up. "I gotta go. Isabel wants a full report since I sent her home." He says and puts a hand on eithsf side on my face, tilting my head down to kiss my forehead. "Bye Sweetheart." He says loud enough for only me to hear and I smile.

"Bye Love." I say and I feel like despite everything, that's enough. He might not know my gender and he might not know I love him, but what really matter is this. Whatever this weird thing is we have. Maybe it's enough. Or maybe I'm just lying to myself. I'm desperate here.

"It's nice to meet you two. Make sure Erwin doesn't work himself too hard, kid." She says to both of them and then Armin and he smiles and nods. As soon as Levi leaves, Mikasa nearly pounces at me. 

"Why didn't you tell me you're dating your captain?" She asks and Armin laughs as I blush.

"Because I'm not." I say and she rolls her eyes.

"I watched you two from the window, that was too close to not be more than friends." She says and I just grab the pillow next to me, smiling at that thought. Although it's troublesome and there's still so much that needs to happen before it becomes serious, I can't help be but happy that there's even anything there.

"I love him." I say and the room falls silent. Like, very silent. I look up to see Mikasa smiling and Armin looking rather confused.

"What changed? You were so hesitant before." He says and I pull my pillow tighter.

"There was a point in the mission where there was a gunshot from where we couldn't see him and I just thought that I had lost the man I love. And it's crazy! I shouldn't feel this way, but I do and I'm starting to think he might have feelings for me. But then there's the fact that he doesn't know I'm a girl. I don't know how he'll feel about it and..."

"Eren." Mikasa interrupts me and I realize I've been ranting. "I think it's great, bur what will he think if you don't tell him. If you want a relationship with him, then you should tell him before it gets to a point it'll hurt if he leaves." She says and run a hand through my hair.

"And if it's already gotten to that point?" I ask and she frowns.

"Then hope for the best." She says and wow, thanks for the wise words Mikasa.

We talk for the rest of the night until they fall asleep and I'm left to my thoughts. I just wanna get better. That's priority. My goal is still first and foremost and that's what matters. 

I need to get better.

So I let myself get the rest I need as I fall asleep.


	15. Maybe. Almost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluffy angst? I THINK YES.
> 
> The song was mentioned earlier in the fic, but it's The Way by Fastball and it's probably one of the most well written and upsetting songs you'll ever hear but I can't help but love it.
> 
> Enjoy a little surprise at the end;)

It takes about a week for me to be physically stable enough to leave the infirmary. The only reason I'm allowed to leave is because Armin and Levi agreed to take shifts making me eat. Today is my first day back at any meetings. It feels weird to put my uniform back on, especially the pants.

"Armin?" I ask as I button them and pull them out, revealing several inches of pant that isn't filled. He gets up and goes to his drawer.

"I'm a size smaller than you. Try mine." He says and I nod. But when I try on his pants, they're still too big.

"Fuck, is anyone smaller than you?" I ask and he shakes his head.

"Just wear some sweats. Honestly, no one will care and if they do, Levi will deal with them. And ask him to order pants." He says and I nod. Some times it's nice that Levi's my captain. I change into some grey sweatpants and a loose fitting, long sleeve black tee. It'd be stupid to wear a button down with sweatpants. Plus my looser wrap is being a pain in the ass so I'll probably end up wearing my shirt from when I was training.

Armin makes me eat a granola bar before walking me to the meeting room. He hugs me before I walk in and I'm relieved to see that only Levi is in there so I can explain myself.

He looks amazing in his uniform as normal. He's been wearing casual clothes lately so it's a nice changes. He looks up and me and frowns.

"I thought you were good for meetings again." He says and I nod.

"My clothes don't fit. I lost over twenty pounds and it's hard it get them back." I say and he crosses over to me.

"You doing okay? We don't have to do this today. Nothing needs to happen too soon and..." 

"Levi, I'm fine. Really. I just have too baggy of clothes." I say with a smile and he sighs.

"You look really cute in sweatpants." He says and I roll my eyes.

"You're a dumbass." I say, but he just smiles and kisses my forehead.

"I mean it. You look adorable." He says and wraps his arms around my shoulders and I sigh.

"Thanks. You look good in those pants." I say before I can stop myself and he snorts.

"Checking me out, Jaeger?" He asks and I shove him.

"Like I said, you're a dumbass." I say and the door opens again, making me move apart from Levi. I turn around to see Farlan smirking at the door and I flush darkly. I move over to our normal spots at the table and he sits next to me. Levi sits across from us as everyone else starts to slowly filter in.

By the time the room is filled, we're all talking about everything that's happened since the mission. "Well, I have a girlfriend now." Reiner says and I turn to him. 

"Who?" Eld asks and he smirks.

"I'm dating a princess." He says and I laugh.

"Oh god, of course you got a princess." Farlan say and he smirks.

"What can I say, I'm meant to be royal." He says and Connie scoffs.

"Yeah, a royal pain in the ass." He says and everybody laughs, even Reiner.

"Well Bert here got himself a girl too. Jaeger's friend Ymir, actually." Reiner says and my eyebrows furrow.

"You're dating Ymir? Like, tall, freckled Ymir?" I ask and he nods.

"Why is that so odd?" He asks and I bite my lips.

"Well, um, I didn't know she swings both ways." I say and his eyes widen.

"I didn't know she was bi." He says and I nod.

"I mean, I was her first kiss sophmore year and then she dated a girl we knew and..." Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Reiner's eyes narrow in confusion.

"I'm confused. How did you not know she was bi when she kissed you and dated a girl?" He asks and I gulp.

"Well... She didn't like the kiss. She said she just wasn't into it and then she kissed the girl and said there was something there. I don't know. Maybe it was just because I suck at kissing." I say and Farlan smirks.

"Levi, is Eren a bad kisser?" He asks and Levi chokes on his tea while I blush as everybody else laughs.

"We haven't kissed. Why would we?" I ask and Farlan lifts a phone that's not his.

"Maybe the fact you call him 'love' and he calls you 'sweetheart'. If you aren't dating, then Levi was seriously friendzoned." He says and the laughing gets louder, making my head throb. Badly.

"Okay, give me my phone, you asswipe." Levi says angrily and Marco giggles.

"I guess he is friendzoned then." He says and fuck, it's too early for this. I cover my ears with my hands and try to even my breathing. It's not them laughing, it's the noise it creates. I'm not ready for that yet.

"Guys, shut up." Eld says and it gets a bit quieter as some people turn to me. I remove my hands from my head and put them on the table.

"Sorry. Loud noises still hurt a bit." I say with a shy smile and Eld smiles back.

"It's fine. Concussions suck." He says and Gunther nods. Oluo looks like he's in a bit of pain today too so I don't feel quite as bad about making a scene. But it's still embarrassing as fuck.

"So, we should actually start the meeting now." Levi says, cheeks a bit pink and I feel bad. I've caused him so much trouble and the meeting hasn't even started.

"We're leaving for Shingashia in three months. They've made progress and there's only a few countries that haven't been taken over by them. The information we got from the captive was very valuable. Their main leader is known as the Beast. A new second in command was appointed since Erem recently... got rid of the first one. It was preset in case of this. His name is Grisha and..."

"What?" I interrupt loudly, standing up way to quickly and I need to catch myself on the table. Everybody is giving me a strange look. "What's his last name?" I ask and Levi shrugs.

"Not even the captive knows." He says and I walk away from the table. That's not just a coincidence. It can't be. Can it? 

"What's wrong?" Marco says, standing up and walking next to me as I pace.

"My father's name is Grisha." I say and his eyes widen and he laughs nervously.

"You don't honestly think..."

"He was deported years ago." I say as I stop walking and the room falls silent. Levi stands up and walks over to me.

"Do you have any pictures of him?" He asks and I roll my eyes.

"If your dad got deported for a criminal offense, would you keep pictures of him?" I bite and Levi glances down.

"Sorry." He says and turns away, walking back to the table and I sigh. Shit.

We go over more details of the plan until we start talking about the training. We decide to do physical training five times a week and equipment training three times a week, along with meeting. When we're dismissed, I stay back.

"Sorry I snapped at you." I say and he shakes his head.

"Don't be. I get it. I have no clue where my dad is." He says and moves over to sit next to me.

"Can you tell me what happened with them? If you don't mind." I say and he nods. He pulls out his phone and scrolls through it. 

"To say the least, my favorite song isn't one I listen to often, but I relate to it a lot." He says and starts playing a song. I pay attention to the lyrics as the faded voice sings.

 

_They made up their minds_

_And they started packing_

_They left before the sun came up that day_

_An exit to eternal summer slacking_

_But where were they going without ever_

_Knowing the way?_

 

I listen to the chorus and my heart breaks when the second verse comes around.

 

_Their children woke up_

_And they couldn't find them_

_They left before the sun came up that day_

_They just drove off and left it all behind 'em_

_But where were they going without ever_

_Knowing the way?_

 

Thechorus starts to play again, but Levi stops it. He looks at the floor with a sad smile. "They just never came back. No note. I looked to see if there were any people who had passed away in the area and there weren't. They just left." He says and I frown. 

"I lived on the streets for a bit when I met Isabel. Her parents took me in. They passed on, but I was old enough to come here by then. Isabel stayed in my room somehow and I got an appartment as soon as I graduated. We met Farlan when I was in high school and I taught him how to fight. We had gotten mugged and I took down all four of the people. You learn a lot from being homeless about self defense. He could do anything except fight with his hands. He lacked urgency. But basically, yeah. There you have it." He says, trying to play it off nonchalantly.

I don't even care how weird it is, I get off of my chair and straddle him, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him close. He wraps his arms around my waist and sighs. "Thank you." He says and I nod.

"I'm so so sorry. Your parents were horrible people." I say and he chuckles a bit.

"Yeah, I know." He says and tightens his grip on me. "It affected me more than I care to admit. Until you came around, I hadn't smiled in years. But I just can't help myself with you." He says and I pull back enough to see his face. He smiles at me and leans his forehead on mine.

Looking into his eyes is like looking inot his heart. This beautiful blue covered by clouds of grey, but the blue still shines through. And I know that's enough. That he's not overtaken by the storm of life.

I don't know how long we stay like that, moving onto more arbitrary topics and lighthearted flirting, but it ends eventually when he decides it's time to drag me to get food from the dining hall. But as we get to the door, he turns to me.

"By the way..." He starts and brings a hand to the back of my neck, pulling me head towards his so I can feel his lips _almost_ skimming mine as he finishes.

"I'm not letting you put me in the friendzone." He says and grabs my hand, him pulling me along like he hadn't just almost kissed me and practically told me he liked me and me being practically dragged as I trail behind, grinning like an idiot and trying not to squeal.


	16. Migraine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this one is short, but I'll post more really soon. There's gonna be more frequent updates of this short training arc. Enjoy!

When I get back to my room, Ymir is outside my door with a frown. I walk up to her and she whispers harshly. "I did something really bad." She says and I nod. I open my door and she goes over to my bed, flopping down without so much as waving to Armin. I guess they've seen each other since she's gotten here.

"What's wrong?" I ask and she groans.

"I'm dating a _guy_ , that's what's wrong." She says and I frown.

"I was wondering about that." I say and Armin's eyebrows furrow.

"Why in the world would you date a guy?" He asks and she sits up.

"Because the girl I'm in love with is dating a guy." She says and Armin smirks.

"I had a feeling something was going on there." He says and I gawk at him.

"How do you know all of this stuff?" I ask and Ymir laughs.

"You ain't the smartest girl I've ever met." She says and I flip her off, but something comes back to my mind that has me smiling like an idiot.

"What's with that face?" Ymir asks and Armin shrieks. 

"He didn't!" He says and I shake my head 

"He didn't, but he almost did. We were so close and it almost happened but he pulled back." I say, moving closer to Armin's bed as I talk. 

"Ugh god, can't he just kiss you already!" He yells and I hear the door open.

"I hoped I got the ball rolling." Farlan says and I roll my eyes. 

"I'm surprised Levi didn't kill you." I say and he smirks. 

"Honestly, same here." He says and I let out a laugh before turning back to Armin who's smiling at his phone and I don't even need to ask. He's texting Jean.

I walk back over to Ymir and flop on top of her. She groans and I roll my eyes. "Shut up, I weight less than a thirteen year old boy." I say and she nods. 

"Did Levi make you eat?" Armin asks and I nod.

"Yes, dad." I groan and Ymir and Farlan laugh. 

"Shouldn't you be calling Levi that?" 

"Armin!"

 

 

* * *

 

 

The next day is physical training. As much as I enjoy working out, it can be hard. I had to train for years to get to where I was. When I graduated highschool, I was lifting 84. Which probably doesn't sound like a lot, but that was the average for military men that have my weight.

At the end of training, I lifted 120; a whole 4 weight classes above my own. In the men's class, might I mention. But despite that, I'm not jacked, just oddly toned. It's honestly a bit odd.

But not quite as odd as these past few weeks have affected my endurance. I can't even lift what I used to, having to go down to 100 again, and not for nearly as long I normally can. By the time I finish my fourth set of fifteen, I'm already ready to go to sleep.

I can tell everyone is a bit weary of me and it makes me upset. Because although lifting wise I'm stronger than Connie and Marco, I just can't last right now. I'm too mentally and physically weak.

Running was hard too, but not too hard. I only had like fifteen seconds longer on my miles, which is actually awful, but all things considered, it's not bad. 

Everything but that damn bench press was fine; harder, but fine. So when I decide to stay after training, it's no surprise everyone seems a bit hesitant. So that's how I ended up lifting with Levi after training. We both do about four more sets.

I'm just finishing my last set when I realize I may have pushed myself too hard. It's a good thing Levi's spotting me or else I would've dropped the bar on my chest. He catches it as my vision blurs. 

"Dammit Eren!" He yells as he sets it back up, running in front of the bench press and pulling me up. He grabs my water and forces me to drink some of it. I take small sips until I can see one of him again.

"S-sorry." I heave out and he sighs.

"I swear you're gonna be the death of me, brat." He says and I laugh a bit. 

"Sorry. Thought I could... handle that." I say and he nods. 

"It's fine. You're lucky tomorrow is and easier day." He says but I can't really focus because of the migraine that starts to take over.

Heres the thing about migraines as opposed to headaches. They suck so much more. You feel like you can't really move, let alone thing. You have to close your eyes and wait for the storm to pass. But that could take hours or _days_. 

I bring my legs to my chest and bury my face in them. I want to hit something, release the pain of only a little. But that'll make it worse.

I guess Levi notices something is wrong because he scoops me up and starts carrying me. I turn my head to hid my face in his side and he sighs. He doesn't say anything. He's seen one of my migraines from back at the hospital. 

Someone says something as we walk past them in the hall, but I can't process his words due to the violent throb of my head. My hands grab at my shirt as if it might help me keep some sanity. 

Before I know it, I'm being set on familiar bed. Mine. The bed dips next to me as Levi carefully runs his fingers through my hair. I wonder if Armin is even in the room right now, but that thought is shoved aside as Levi lays down behind me, one arm laying on my side and the other moving to the back of my neck to gently rub it.

It actually helps to have him do that, touch me with feather like stroke. It helps me to forget my migraine, because how could I think of anything else as he starts pressing kisses to the side of my neck? I can't, that's how.

They're not passionate and not meant to turn me on, just to show that he's there. My migraine starts to slip away and I find myself leaning into his touch. It's a bit embarrassing, but I can't find it in me to care. 

"Thank you." I whisper as loud as I dare to and he sighs, breath on my neck.

"You're welcome, Love." He says and my eyebrows furrow.

"That's my nickname for you." I say and he nods.

"But it's more accuate if I say it to you." He says and I turn to him to find he's already looking at me.

"Levi?" I ask and he sits up.

"I should probably go." He says, but I grab his hand.

"Stay with me." I say and his eyes widen before he nods. He lays back down so his face is facing mine and sighs.

"Eren, maybe I shouldn't tell you this, but I'm..." And cue Armin and his amazing timing. He doesn't say anything as he goes through the door to his side of the room, already in sweatpants and a tee shirt. He flops down in bed and sighs.

"Night Eren. Night Levi." He says and I know I start blushing at that as Armin turns off the light and its Levi and I laying in the dark again. 

He leans forward and kisses my forehead, holding back the words he was gonna say and now I'm left to wonder what they were.

I bury my face in his neck, praying my migraine doesn't come back and I can always lay with Levi like this.


	17. Fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me.

Fighting. It's always viewed as something bad, but I see it as constructive. It's a practice of control; knowing when to stop. It's also interesting to watch. Which is what I'm currently doing.

My whole team is practicing fighting in the practice room. All the new trainees are around us, practicing on their own. Jean's here too since he's on training duty today, but he's hanging out with me while I watch them, tapping my foot.

It's been about two weeks since we've started training and not only have I barely gained weight back, I'm not that much stronger. I'm getting there, but I'll probably hurt be where I was to begin with by the mission.

Most days, Levi will go with me to after only to end up in my room. I take showers while he's asleep to let my chest breathe. He still hasn't told me what he was going to that night and it's bothering me a bit.

I mean, what does he think he can't tell me? I guess I'm guilty of the same thing and it's driving me crazy. But right now what's driving me crazy is watching my team do what I do best and the one thing they won't let me do.

"Connie doesn't defend his head at all. And look at Marco's stance! He has two left feet." I say and Jean chuckles.

"This is really getting to you, isn't it?" He says and I groan.

"Of course it is. I haven't practiced in over a month and I haven't done it for fun in longer." I say and Jean grimaces.

"Yeah, fun for you." He says and I watch Reiner and Farlan fight. Reiner is skilled, but obviously holding back. Farlan is good at everything except hand to hand combat. 

I watch as Reiner analyzes him, looking to take him down painlessly. He's too nice for his own good. Farlan struggles to keep up with him as he fights.

One thing that has always made me a good fighter is that I have no fear. I can tell weak points and take advantage of them. I might not have strategies like Armin, but I know what I'm doing. There's a reason I'm know as the best fighter in my class.

I don't mean to toot my own horn by any means. Honestly, it's just one thing. I still have improving to do on everything else, but this is something I'm _good_ at and it's killing me to have to just watch.

"Farlan, don't leave your chest open!" I yell and Reiner drops his hands.

"Eren, can you help him?" He asks and Farlans jaw drops.

"Dude!"

"Far, you were below Armin in this. Let him help you." Jean says and I choke back a laugh. Farlan sighs in defeat and I get up and walk over to him. 

"Get into your stance." I say and he lowers himself into a sloppy position. I walk around, tweaking things here and there until his weak points are gone.

"Keep your arms closer to center and be careful of your right side." I say and he nods. I back off of the mat and use my two fingers to whistle and they start again. Farlan does better with his form corrected, but I still ache to do it myself. Hanji never technically said I can't... No. I have to be good. I hear a groan from another pad and see Levi hovering over Eld as he taps out.

I go over as Oluo steps onto the mat, looking hesitant for probably the first time in his life. He looks up at Levi and sighs. "Do I have to fight you?" He asks and I practically run over there. 

"I'll fight you." I say and he smirks whole Levi sighs.

"Eren, that's not a good idea." Levi says and Oluo shrugs.

"Why not? He's getting a lot better at everything else, yet he hasn't been able to do this yet." Oluo answers and I nod.

"Please Levi." I ask, using my best puppy dog face and he groans.

"Fine whatever. But go easy on him." He says and I shake my head.

"Don't you dare go easy on me." I say to Oluo and he nods. He's had some trouble with training too as he comes back from his injury. 

Levi counts down for us and Oluo comes running at me. At the lasts second, I move to the side, swinging my leg around to hit his back, making him fall.

I land on his back and he's small enough that all I have to do is grab his hands and push him into the mat. He uses his head to tap out.

I stand up and notice the squad and Jean have come over to watch as Eld walks up with a smirk. "Impressive, but can you beat me?" He says and I take a few steps back.

"I know I can." I say confidently. I feel my pulse rising as he steps on the mat. Fighting thrills me in a way that love thrills a poet or sunsets thrill a photographer. 

Eld and I both charge at each other and he goes to kick me. I duck and dodge his kick, grabbing his leg and lifting I up until it's by his head as I stand up straight so we're face to face. He looks a bit pain as I grip his leg, not letting him move it.

Then he smirks and swings his foot, trying to swing me with it, but I just jump and land where he swung it, still in the air. He can't catch me off guard and he realizes that as I kick his foot out from under him.

He lands with a thud and I step on his tailbone and the backs of his knees, effectively trapping him with no hope of moving without damage. He taps out.

By this point, the guys I graduated with are clapping and cheering. Because this is what I'm good at. This is my thing. Gunther walks up to me and gulps a big before challenging me. He goes down much easier than the others. From the ground, he swears.

"Fuck, you're good." He says as I help him up and I smile. 

"Thank you." I say and Eld turns to Levi. 

"Let's see if he can beat you." He says and Levi shakes his head.

"There's no way he can beat me." He says and suddenly everyone's silent as I walk up to him.

"Excuse me, bitch?" I say and there are a few chuckles as I glare up at him. Including him.

"You're good, but you don't have an offence, only defense." He says and I roll my eyes. 

"If you think that then you obviously aren't as good as you think." I say and his eyes narrow. 

"Fight to see who tops!" Connie yells and I don't even looks away from Levi as I smirk.

"Who said I'd ever let him top?" I say and Jean chokes on his own spit, but the rest don't know I'm a girl. This is just smack talk.

"I'm not trying to offend you. This isn't smart." He says and I shove him a bit.

"Scared you'll lose?" I say and I know I may be digging myself a grave. He's the best of the best, but like hell I won't try.

"It's not me I'm scared for." He says and I actually scoff. I know he means well, but this isn't about me as a friend or whatever we are. No, this is about me as a soldier. An equal.

"Stop treating me like a damsel in distress and fight me." I say and he sighs.

"Eren, this isn't a good idea. You've only been out of the hospital for a week." He says with obvious nervousness and Farlan, Connie, Bert, and Marco just smile while Reiner and Jean actually laugh. They know it would be a decent fight and I haven't done this in ages.

"I'm gonna fight you whether you want me to or not. If you go easy on me, I won't go easy on you." I say and his eyes widen. Fighting has always brought out a more brash side to me. After years of doing it to protect Armin, I'm not bad at it. I've flipped Reiner before and he's almost twice my height and weight.

I turn away from Levi, walking to my side when there's suddenly an arm around my neck and a hand tightly holding my wrist. "Try me now, Jaeger." He says and I nearly smirk. He left two very obvious places open. I decide to go with the less painful one.

I elbow his armpit with my free hand, making his arm around my neck loosen enough for me to twist his other arm so I'm the one with a grip on him, his elbow locked. I try to ignore the fact that that's what I did to the guy we took captive and sweep his feet out from under him.

But, not surprisingly, Levi is more skilled at balance than the other guy and manages to land and using my grip on his arm, slams me to the ground. It hurts a bit, but I make sure my head doesn't hit first, so I'm safe. He lands on top of me when I don't let go of his wrist.

I grab his other wrist and push him up as he tries to fight against me. He's strong, but it's okay when he tries to flip us. I let him do the work so we're almost flipped and drop his wrist to roll out from under him. He falls with a lot more force than he anticipated and it makes a nice slam with him next to me.

I quickly climb on him, making my kneecaps dig into the apex of his knees as he tries to push himself up. I grab both of his wrists and yank them behind him, holding  them with one hand. Using my free hand, I lightly jab his neck before leaning in close to him.

"You tap out?" I ask and his heaves a breath.

"I would, but I don't have a hand to tap with." He says and I grin. I get up off of him, keeping an eye on him and he lifts both of his hands up in defeat, still on his knees. And the room is silent.

I look around the room to all the trainees and my squad mates and their jaws are dropped. Even Levi is looking at me a bit oddly right now as I stand up and offer him a hand. I have half a mind to check my wrap until Connie and Farlan start cheering obnoxiously.

"What?" I ask and Levi slings an arm around me.

"Believe it or not, no one has ever beaten me. Congratulations." He says with a smile and my eyebrows furrow.

"Wait, were you actually trying?" I ask and our whole squad erupts in laughter as Levi's cheeks turn a dark red.

"Would any of you care to fight him?" Levi asks everyone with a glare and that sobers them up real quickly.

Jean starts laughing suddenly and walks up to me. "That means you're the strongest _man_ here." He says and I can't even help the laugh that comes from me. It's short, but leaves me breathless and everyone but Jean and I confused. Because I, the only girl in here, am the strongest guy. 

As I go to walk away to get some water, Levi grabs my wrist and leans down to my ear. "How did you do that?" He asks and I smile.

"Do you know how many weak points you left open? You should be happy I wasn't feeling feisty or you wouldn't be able to have kids." I say and he shivers.

"Don't wanna think about that." He says and I smirk at his squeamishness. "So anyways, teach me." He says and my eyebrows furrow.

"You want _me_ to teach _you_." I say to clarify and he nods.

"Yeah. Honestly, I think you should help the whole team with that. The last thing we need is someone getting hurt because they can't fight." He says and I nod in agreement. 

"Okay, tell me what to do then." I say and he gives me a thumbs up.

"Wanna lift now?" 

"Is that a question?"

 

 

* * *

 

  

By the time we're done, I'm tired and annoyed. Levi lifts a whole fifty pounds more than me and while its super hot, it makes me feel weak as fuck. I'm also confused by how he's acting. He's acting a bit absentminded, as if not fully here and suddenly shocked back into reality when I talk to him.

Once we're standing in front of my room, I lean against it and look up at him. "What's going on with you? Ever since you said you wanted to tell me something, you've been acting all jumpy." I say, deciding not to beat around the bush. He sighs and runs a hand through his hair.

"It's because I don't know how to tell you. I don't know how you'll react to it." He says and I'm suddenly worried. 

"Is it about the mission or the Titans? Did Hanji say something about my mom or something?" I ask and he shakes his head. 

"Kind of. I know Hanji told you about the traitor and we don't know who it is, but something seems off. I don't know what it is, but..." He says and trails off and I find myself holding my breath.

"What? It can't be that bad." I say and he sighs.

"It's one of the trainees. We found a glitch in our systems from when you guys first got here. There are a few officials who believe it's you." He says and before I can even think, I pull him back into my room.

"What kind of glitch?" I ask and he shrugs.

"I'm not sure. Something about a few origins and maybe a gender. Apparently there was one with you. Plus what you said about Grisha somehow got reported." He says and I start pacing. 

"Then why would I be the only one to get hurt? Why do they want me?" I ask and he shrugs.

"All of the veterans from the squad brought that up, but there's one man who won't let it go. He's another one of the Erwin's advisors, like your friend. Only reason Erwin isn't convinced is because he respects you and somehow Hanji is absolutely sure it's not you. Hanji and your mom are the only things going for you right now." He says and I find myself walking to the door. Before I get there, Levi grabs my shoulder.

"Be careful. Something is wrong and there's no way for me to help you if something happens." He says and that stops me.

"You're one of the most respected captains here." I say and he nods.

"But I told you before, I'm only a man. And personal feelings get in the way of responsibilities sometimes." He says and my eyebrows furrow.

"Do you..." 

"That's another thing I've been trying to tell you." He says and takes a step closer to me, taking my chin in his hand and tilt my head up. "I... have feelings for you." He says and my breath catches in my throat. He pulls his bottom lip between his teeth before continuing.

"Romantic feelings, I should say." He says and I know I'm probably gapping at him. I had a feeling he did before but something about him saying it hits me like a train. 

And I want to hold him. I want to hold him and kiss him and make him know he's mine. If there wasn't so much I have to do, I would. But there's something gnawing at the back of my head.y

He doesn't know.

"Levi, I need to come clean about something, but I need to talk to Hanji first." I say, basically destroying the moment and he frowns.

"You don't have to say it." He says and my eyes widen as I shake my head. I worded that too harshly.

"Fuck, don't take this as a denial, it's not that at all." I say and his eyebrows furrow together.

"Then why can't you just say it?" He says and I lean up and press my lips to his. His eyes widen as I let mine shut and I move my lips on his. It takes him a second to get it and he mimics me.

My heart slams in my chest as I take in everything right now, good and bad, but just for a moment, I focus on the man I live in front of me. The man who also has feelings for me. I have to tell him. His lips taste just like I thought, cherry and mint, but I don't get to savor it as long as I want to.

I pull away to see him blushing, eyes opening hugely as I smile weakly up at him. "I'm not trying to hurt you, but it might already be too late. Please trust me." I say and he nods a bit unconfidently. I may be being cryptic, but it's necessary. If he wants to save his name, he can't know.

I turn around, leaving him behind as I hunt for Hanji.


	18. Weak Point

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You are all about to hate me so much I'm so sorry but this needs to be done.

Finding Hanji takes a lot more effort than I would've thought. I mean, she is the President's wife, but she sure as hell doesn't act like it, running around here and making it her own little lab. I finally find her at the end of the last hallway I search. She practically sprints at me and covers my mouth, pulling me into an empty room. 

She keeps my mouth closed until loud footprints grow louder and then much quieter as they leave. Then she starts talking. "I've been looking for you. Eren, they know you fucked up the files." She says and I nod, glad that she's being blunt with me.

"I need to come clean, don't I?" I say and she shakes her head.

"No. It's important now you don't let anyone else know. Not until they find out who it really is." She says and grabs my shoulders. "You need to listen closely to me. You can't let anyone know you're a girl, you can't let anyone know they're on to you." She says and that last park confuses me. 

"Why? Wouldn't it be good if they thought that I was being framed? The traitors would be more reckless." I say and she shakes her head.

"Nile is convinced and he can't be convinced otherwise unless it his him in the face." She says and my eyebrows furrow.

"Nile?" I ask and she nods.

"Erwin's adviser. None of this matters. Just listen. You can't tell anyone about this. I think they're after you in particular." She says and I rub my temple as my head throbs in frustration.

"Isn't there any way I could make it so the entire military isn't onto me?" I ask and she rolls her eyes as if the request is pointless until she suddenly has one of clarity.

"Tell Erwin. If he knows you're a girl, he can fully protect you. You'll still have enemies, but one won't be the state." She says and I almost throw up. 

"So, basically, my only choice is to tell the vey person I should be hiding this from?" I ask and she shakes her head.

"I can talk him down if he gets too upset." She says.

Yeah, hopefully.

"Okay. I'll tell him." I say and I'm suddenly being dragged through the hallway. I run behind Hanji as she runs me to the executive side of headquarters. People generally aren't allowed in there, so the fact that Hanji is bringing a maybe traitor raised a lot of eyebrows.

Speaking of eyebrows, we make it to a room where the president and Armin are sitting and Armjn is almost instantly standing, eyeing me nervously and I know he knows what's going on.

Erwin's eyes narrow in confusion as he takes in the situation. "Hanji, I told you not to meddle." He say and she nods.

"I know babe, but this is serious. She's not the traitor." She says and Armin stiffens as Erwin nods.

"I know it's not her, but Nile is convincing everyone it is." He says and Armin looks about as confused as I do. Hanji pauses.

"Did you know I'm a girl?" I ask and he smirks.

"Do you think I let just anyone into my military? You left holes in your work Ms. Jaeger. You're smart, but you can't rewrite permanent records." He says and Armin smiles.

"You're not mad?" He asks Erwin and he shrugs.

"Not really. I've been wanting to see how a girl would do in the program. You're probably our most committed soldier, anyway. And I contacted the doctor that delivered you to make sure that wasn't a bluff. You're not the traitor, but you've made this very hard on both of us." He says and intertwines his hands to rest his chin on.

"So, I don't get how this helps. Sorry to be rude, but other than not being kicked out, what good does this do then?" I ask and Armin shrugs.

"Honestly, nothing. You still need to train for your mission and be careful. Basically, other than them knowing, nothing has changed." Armin explains and Erwin nods.

"No, if you don't mind, Eren, I'd like to speak to you in private." He says and I nearly gulp. I'm not in the clear yet.

"Yes sir." I say and the other two excuse themselves. They leave and I find myself under Erwin's calculating gaze.

"I have a couple of questions for you. Please sit." I say and I follow suit. Once I'm settled, he starts.

"To prevent any confusion, I want to double check a few things. For starters, I am the only one who knows about your gender. I didn't even tell Nile." He says and I sigh.

"Thank you for that." I say and he nods.

"So, you are a girl? You're not male to female transgendered?" He asks and I shake my head.

"I'm a cis girl." I say and he looks pleased with that answer.

"You're one of our strongest soldiers and you're a woman. That just amazes me." He says and I shrug.

"It just took a lot of work. Plus I was training throughout highschool." I say and he nods.

"As you're probably aware, you can't let that loose. If it's true that you're father is part of the Titans, then we need to keep this on the down low. If he finds out it is you, which seems to already be possible, you'd be in even more danger." He says and I look down.

"I can't tell anyone." I say, thinking about earlier with a heat still burning my lips.

"Also, about Levi..." He says as if reading my mind and my eyes stay trained on the floor.

"I can't tell him, can I?" I say and he sighs.

"No. Not until it's safe. You can't even talk about being a girl anymore. This alone could be dangerous. The safer, the better." He says and my head continues to throb.

"Goddammit." I swear under my breath, uncaring of the stature of the man in front of me. Before I know it, he's sitting next to me.

"You love him, don't you?" He asks and I glance up to see a openly caring face. Not masked with professionalism, just Erwin Smith.

"Yeah, I do." I say and he frowns.

"Then keep him safe. I don't think you're safe here anymore and if you were to really start a relationship with him, it'd put him in danger." He says and turns away.

"I love him like a brother. I've known him for so long and he's never looked at anyone the way he looks at you. Which is why it kills me to tell you this. You have to break his heart." He says and I almost feel like crying at his words for the first time since before training. But I don't. I don't let myself as I make myself nod.

"Yes sir."

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

"Weak points." I say as I stand in front of my squad on the mat. "There are no moves that don't give away a weak point. You have to determine which is the best option. Open your arm to injury, or your chest." I say and many people nod. I can feel Levi's eyes boring into my head, but I ignore it. 

"Bert, come here." I say and he looks nervous as he approaches me. "I'm just using you as and example. I'm not hurting you." I say and he nods. I turn to the others and sigh. 

"This is the only way to hold someone for a long period of time without exposing yourself. You're gonna have zip ties with you for this." I say and angle Bert to the side so everyone can see me behind his height.

I grab his hands and tie them together behind his back. "Now, you have to protect yourself from I kick, so you place you're feet between there's." I say and do that to Bert as I pull him into a headlock.

"If I just need a swift kill, the tie isn't necessary. You just slit the throat or shoot him or whatever. But, if you're in it for a captive or questioning someone, you tie their hands so you have a free hand." I say, showing my free hand and everyone nods.

After I untie Bert and everyone starts practicing, Levi walks up to me. "How did it go last night?" He asks and I sigh. I had texted him that I was gonna speak with Erwin for awhile and to go home. He told me to text him how it went. I didn't.

"It was fine." I say, watching the others practice. He sighs and does the same, speaking quietly.

"I was wondering if maybe you were free after this today. I wanted to do something different." He says and I ignore the twist in my stomach at that. I can't agree. I can't see where this goes. It just can't happen.

"I'm sorry, I can't." I say and glance at him to see him shrug.

"It's okay. Maybe another night." He says and I look down. _You have to break his heart._ Well here goes everything.

"No, Levi. Last night was a mistake. I shouldn't have kissed you. I was unsure of my feelings and got caught up in the moment. I'm sorry." I say and there's a moment of silence between us as the world moves around us, unaware of mine crumbling.

"So, you regret it?" He asks and I shake my head.

"No, it's not that. It's just..." _Just do it. It may hurt, but it's gonna keep him safe. Away from you._ "I needed to see if I felt something. And I didn't." I say and it's quiet again. I wait until the silence is unbearable to look up at him, to see his eyes forward and jaw clenched.

"You're telling me you felt nothing? This whole time?" He says, not sparing me a glance and I have to look down again. Because I can't lie to his face. So I lie to the floor.

"No. I didn't." I say and he sighs after a bit. His voice is abnormally gravely and raw when he speaks again.

"Thanks for not trying to hurt me." He says and out of the corner of my eye, I watch him leave. I stand alone, pretending to examine the rest of my squad as I take in the gravity of what I just did. And I'm not proud of it. 

I found his weak point.

Me.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

I get back to my room to see Armin and Mikasa sitting on my bed with gummy worms and a laptop set up at the foot of the bed. Mikasa is the first to talk.

"Erwin spoke with everyone who knows. Armin asked about Levi and... I know I can't say much, but we're here for you." She says and I walk over to them and kissed both of their cheeks.

"This is sweet, but I really just want to sleep. Can we do that?" I ask and Armin nods. I crawl in as Armin moves to computer and food and I curl up between the two of them, my headache not my main pain. It's the pain in my chest that hurts the most.


	19. Maybe We Can Be Safe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's my birthday in an hour, so I did a time skip so I could write fluff, okay? Sue me. But do know, another arc is about to start. Please enjoy!

The alarm rings.

I don't want to get up.

Why would I? I have trained soldiers who seem to maybe be hunting me down. And I don't know who it is. That alone could make me never want to leave the safety of my bed. But that's not my main reason.

I have to face the fact I rejected the boy I'm in love rather harshly. That's what I've had trouble coping with. That I'm so in love with someone that I have to push away with every ounce of strength.

The alarm rings again.

I don't move.

I start thinking about what to do to build my motivation when I suddenly hear footsteps in the room. That has me sitting up, grabbing the knife on my nightstand to see a rather unexpected person: Isabel.

I sigh and set down the knife, running my free hand through my hair. "Sorry about that." I say and she doesn't really react as I slap my alarm off. Her face is shocked, not different from before though, as I get up and walk to the bathroom.

"You sleep with a knife now?" She ask and I nod.

"Yeah." I say, trying to be nonchalant but knowing it's not working. Paranoia is a scary thing when it's validated.

"I came because I was worried about you, and rightfully so I guess." She says and I shrug. It's been about a week since meeting with Erwin and six days since telling Levi off.

And I'm still hurting.

I think the squad has figured out something happened since nothing has been said since Connie got glared at by both of us after one of his innuendos. Levi's been ignoring me and that makes it hurt more. We had no barriers between us and now it's like we have a meter thick brick wall between us.

"I'm fine." I say as I pick up my toothbrush and toothpaste.

"Eren, you look sick. You're pale, Farlan told me you've been jumpy, I'm pretty sure you lost weight, and you sleep with a fucking knife." She says and I take a minute to look at myself in the mirror as I brush my teeth.

She's right about me being pale, and that's being nice. My eyes and cheeks are hallow and under my eyes are a bit blue. You can see my wrist under my shirt a bit and although I have gained most of my muscle back, my body fat percentage is very low. Also, my wrist is bruised from overuse, much like the rest of my body. I lower my arm and spit.

"I'm fine. Honestly." I say and she turns me towards her, holding both of my hands.

"We're worried about you. Farlan and Levi both are also worried about you. Levi practically passed out in relief when I told him I was gonna talk to you about this." She says and I break away from her, not really ready to hear his name this early in the morning.

It just sucks. Everything with Levi sucks. Working with him, ignoring him, loving him...

Isabel puts her hand on my shoulder and I sigh. "Maybe I'm not fine." I say and she pulls me into a tight hug.

"Erwin told me that you had to do that. I'm so sorry." She says and I try to mold with her, snuggle so close to her that no one could tell the different between us and I could hide from the world. But life isn't that easy.

"It doesn't matter. It's done." I say and she pulls away.

"You stay home today. I'm gonna come over tonight, okay? If Levi gives you shit about missing today, he can talk to me." She says and I rolls my eyes.

"Isabel, I can't miss..."

"Nope. I'm not listening. You're not training today." She says and I smile. 

"Thanks." I say and she sighs.

"Take a nap or do something that calms you down. You're wound up tighter than a guitar string." She says and I nod.

"Okay, I won't practice today." I say and she smiles widely.

"Good. I'll see you at ten." She says and leaves and I change into normal clothes as I decode what to do with the day. She said do something that helps relax and my mind goes to one person who I haven't talked to since before the mission. 

Mom.

I get get ready in my guys clothes and leave, not caring about the looks I get as I leave. I couldn't care less about them. I miss my mom and I need to see her. She can calm me down,

I get to the nursing home and walk up to the desk since I have no idea where her room is here. The receptionist points me to the direction of the room and I go straight there.

Opening the door quickly as well as shutting it makes Mom gasp. I turn to her and she relaxes. "Eren!" She says and gets up from her chair and comes over to me. She looks so small compared to before I went to training, but she still holds me tight. 

She pulls away from me and smacks my shoulder. "You just now see me after all that worry? Mikasa said you've been out of the hospital for two weeks now!" She says and I scratch the back of my head.

"I'm sorry." I say and her eyes narrow.

"You don't look well, hun." She says and I sigh.

"I guess you could say I'm not in the best condition." I say and she walks over and sits in her bed, patting her lap. I lay in the bed and put my head on her legs.

"Tell me what's got you so worried." She says and runs her hands through my hair.

"They think I'm a spy." I say and she gasps.

"What? How?" She asks and I explain everything to her. I tell her about the mission, my injury, my diagnosis, the file, Hanji and Erwin, Levi, and even a little about Grisha. By the end, she looks sympathetic at the least.

"Oh Eren, I'm so sorry." She says and I sigh.

"I'm just getting tired." I say and she nods.

"I don't blame you." She says with an airy chuckle and I groan.

"And I don't know what to do! What if it's someone I know? What if it's one of my friends? What if they already know I'm a girl? Why do they care?" I ask and she shrugs.

"I don't know, Sweetheart." She says and my heart clenches at the name. I close my eyes as if that would help. "You seem more upset about Levi than I ever thought you'd be over a boy." She says and I nod.

"I know, it's stupid." I say and she continues to pet me.

"No it's not. It means you really love him and that's great, even if the circumstances aren't the most desirable." She says and I choke out a laugh.

"Desirable? I have half a mind to completely block it from my memory it's so awful." I say and she sighs.

"But the other half?" She asks softly. I pause.

"Stop being right." I say and she giggles.

"I know it's hard. Being in love is probably one of the most painfully satisfying things we do. It can hurt sometimes, but when you're with them, it always seems worth it." She says and I look up at her.

"I just wish I could go back to the way we were. He's so sweet and caring and I really hurt him." I say and she nods.

"I know, but he'll understand. If he has the same feelings for you as it seems he does, then he'll come around." She says and I swear that man is on a cue, because he comes barging in.

"Levi?" I ask, sitting up and ignoring the butterflies and pain in my stomach. He looks as hurt as I feel and I know it's not about me. But I'm worried what it's about.

"Ms. Jaeger, I'm sorry to bother you and your time with your son, but this is extremely important." He says and my mom smiles.

"Okay, come sit down. You look stressed." She says and I have to stop myself from blushing at how pleased she looks over this.

"Um, okay." He says and walks in, obviously feeling awkward as he sits down in the furthest chair from us. He leans forward, feet pointed towards me. "They found a lead on who the traitor might be." He says and I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.

"Who do they think it is?" I ask and he frowns a bit.

"Your friend Ymir." He says and I nearly facepalm.

"She went to high school with me, how could she possibly be a spy without still being linked to me?" I ask and he reaches into his pocket and grabs his phone.

"We found these in her room." He says and crosses over to me and showing me the pictures. My mom gasps.

"That's him. That's your father." She says at the first photo. I find my eyes widening at the other photos.

They're photos of me from my room. Ones with me and Armin and Mikasa, ones of just me, ones of me with Isabel, and one with Levi. I don't miss the way he closes those ones quickly and my mom smirks.

"Eren, it looks like you have a stalker." He says and I can't really breathe all too well. My mom rubs one of my shoulders as I stare at him in shock.

"But... Ymir? Are you sure?" I ask and he shrugs. 

"It's the only thing that makes sense." He says and my mom sighs.

"Mr. Ackerman? May I speak with you for a moment?" She asks and he chuckles a bit.

"Sure, but just call me Levi." He says and they excuse themselves from the room and I have half a mind to go and listen to them, but I can't bring myself to move.

Ymir? The worst she's ever done was be a bit harsh, but to be a traitor? It takes a monster to do that. 

How long has she been doing this?

How long hand I been friends with a monster?

I'm taken from my thoughts as the walk back in the room and my mom hugs me goodbye. "Levi is gonna walk you back." She says before whispering in my ear. "I like this one." She murmurs and I find myself smiling. I force my face straight as I turn to Levi. I find myself both surprised and internally screaming when he grabs my hand.

"It was nice to meet you Ms. Jaeger." He says and she nods to him.

"You too, Levi." She says and I grin bashfully to my mom.

"Bye Ma, love you." I say and she smiles.

"Love you too, Eren." She says and Levi pulls me out of the room. He takes me out to a car I didn't even know he owned and I sit down in the passenger seat. Before I can say anything, he turns to me.

"Eren, why did you lie to me?" He says and I freeze. He looks more sad than angry and I have no idea what exactly he's talking about.

"Lie about what?" I ask and he sighs before just going for it.

"Eren, I don't mean to sound like a pompous asshole, but I know you have some kind of feelings for me. I've known since the mission and honestly that's when I was sure about me too. I don't know why you feel the need to lie to me but..."

"There's a lot I can't tell you, Levi." I interrupt. There are so many thoughts running through my head and the most prominent one being he doesn't and can't know I'm a girl.

"Why can't you? Are you in danger or something?" He asks softly and I notice there's something open about him right now. He's wearing his heart on his sleeve, letting himself feel.

He's letting himself feel emotions.

For me.

"Dammit Levi, you're making this so hard." I say and turn to him. "You don't get it. There's so much I literally can't let you know right now. What I can honestly tell you is that everything we've ever talked about privately is true, I can tell you that I'm honestly not the traitor, and I can tell you that I did lie about not having feelings for you, but I can't tell you anything else and I wish you'd respect that." I say in one breath and he stares at me with wide eyes when I'm done. Then he moves so he's looking forward.

"I will. If you tell me one thing." He asks and I sigh.

"I'll see if I can answer." I say and he glances at me.

"Why can't you be with me?" He asks and I look down. Now that's a complicated question.

"There's something you don't know that could change your opinion of me. That and I didn't want to put you in danger." I say and turn away from him a bit. "They had pictures of us together. They obviously know you mean something to me and I don't want you to get hurt. Not because of my fucked up family or anything else." I say and he laughs a bit coldly.

"God Eren, you're an idiot sometimes." He says before suddenly his hands are on my face and he turns my head towards him. "I love you, Eren, don't you get that? I don't care of I'm put in a little danger if I get to be with you." He says and my mind can't decide between grinning and frowning.

"You don't know what you're getting yourself into." I warn him and he shrugs.

"If everything you've told me about you is the truth, then I don't care. I could never want someone else like this. Can you please just try for me?" He asks and my mind decides on a venomless scowl.

"As long as you promise to keep this private. The squad can't know until we know for sure we're safe." I say and he nods with hesitation.

"Deal." He says and I smile up at him. He bites his lip a bit and starts to lean in, but his nose ends up bonding into mine. I can't help the giggle that comes from me at that as I place my hands on his shoulders.

"Tilt to the right." I say and he does just that as I press my lips to his.

His lips are warm on mine, enticingly so. They make me want to lean in and let his set my mouth aflame. His lips are chapped, but not to the point where it hurts, just enough to make a bit of friction.

He moves his lips slowly and lets one of his hand thread into my hair. He pulls me closer and keeps moving his lips in the same tender movements. It's not meant for seducing, just to express words that we've been desperately avoiding until this point.

I pull away from him and watch as his eyes flicker open and he smiles, lips still pressed to mine. I don't move them away as I say what's on my mind. 

"I love you too, Levi. Please believe that. I know it's probably hard with me having to hide so much, but believe me when I tell you I have reasons." I say and he nods.

"I know, Sweetheart. I trust you." He says and theirs a pain and relief to his words as he presses his lips to mine. Because we're both in too deep now. All of the warning on the world won't prepare him for the truth of the matter.

But maybe that's okay. Maybe he will know that I honestly can't tell him. Maybe we can together happily. 

With that thought making my chest warm, I continue to kiss the man I love.

Who loves me back.

_Maybe we can be safe._

 

 


	20. Drift

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically, this is a rather calm chapter compared to future ones. Keep that in mind. That's your spoiler. 
> 
> Btw, guess who finally got a laptop!!!!!! If their's any major errors, don't be afraid to bitch me out.
> 
> Anyways, enjoy!

I never thought I'd like kissing so much. Although I've only ever kissed Ymir because of a dare, I just didn't like it. But god, Levi is good at it. He makes something so innocent and sweet feel as passionate as sex because he puts so much meaning behind it. We ended up just sitting around for a while kissing each other and talking about how to make this work. I told him I don't want to go too far until he knows everything and he respects that.

But still, I can't stop the overwhelming sense that there's still a traitor out there. I mean, we have physical proof that it was Ymir, but there just seems to be some holes in it. I've gone to see her since then and she begged for me to believe she didn't do it, but I don't know. Even if Ymir is a bit hardheaded, she'll admit when she's wrong. I told her I'd look into it 

Right now, I'm examining Connie and Marco fighting and constantly checking behind me. I just can't shake the feeling that I'm being watched. 

Levi has voiced his worries more times in the past week than I think he should voice anything about us, but I get it. He doesn't want to stay a secret and neither do I, but we have to. I don't entirely think we're safe. 

It's not that I've had any proof... It's just a feeling. Levi and Armin think I'm paranoid, but can you really blame me? Everything has been so up and down, nothing is really that consistent.

"Keep glancing behind you and you'll break your neck." Levi says, making me jump since I forgot he was next to me.

"Shut up." I say and he chuckles.

"Everything is fine, Eren. We're going on the mission next week, we're ready, just calm down." He says and I sigh. 

"Levi, you know it isn't that easy." I say and he walks behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and his chin on my head.

"I know this isn't easy, but it'll get better." He says and I nod as Jean walks up to us. 

"Stop being so obvious." He says and Levi straightens up and I cough, awkwardly realizing we had been cuddling.

"Obvious of what?" I ask and Jean rolls his eyes.

"You're an idiot Jaeger." He says, but he's smiling. He walks away and Levi moves back next to me.

"We're pretty bad at this, aren't we?" He says and I giggle a bit.

"Maybe just a bit." I say and he laughs too.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

He comes back to my room with me and we go in to see the last person I'd expect: Erwin. His face is blank and it makes me gulp when I realize I've disobeyed his orders. He doesn't seem to pay much mind to it though.

"Good. I need to talk to both of you." He says and sits down on my bed due to the lack of chairs. We go over and sit with him too. 

"What's going on?" Levi asks and Erwin looks over to me and I try not to shrink under his gaze.

"So, the rumors I heard are true and you are dating." He says and I nod. Then he surprises me and turns to Levi.

"I told you not to go after him until this was resolved." He says and I feel my eyes widen. Did they have the same conversation?

"I told you I don't care." Levi says and I listen from the outside of the conversation.

"Levi, you're being stupid."

"Who are you to say that?"

"You're best friend and you're putting yourself in danger."

"I'm aware of what I'm doing."

"You mind is clouded by your feelings."

"On the contrary!" He yells and even Erwin seems shocked by that. Levi commands and talks sternly. Levi doesn't yell.

"I've never felt more sane. I think better about this then I do about most things. This is the first decision I've made for myself. Not Isabel, not Farlan, me. I don't care if I'm put in danger as long as he stays safe. Is it a crime to want to be happy with the person I'm in love with?" Levi says and there's a moment of silence and I'm about ninety percent sure they've forgotten I'm here.

Erwin seems to gain enough composure to talk again. "I knew you loved her... him... but I didn't realize you were in this deep." Erwin says and Levi scowls deeply.

"This isn't just a stupid crush, Erwin." He says and Erwin nods.

"As the president, I should really advise against this, but as your friend, I'm happy for you." He says and turns to me. "Both of you, really." He says with a smile an Levi takes my hand. Erwin's smile falters a bit before he speaks again.

"You know what I said still applies, Eren." He says and I know he means about my gender. I still can't tell Levi. Because he doesn't think we're safe either.

"Yes sir." I say and he laughs.

"You're dating my best friend. Call me Erwin for christs sake." He says and I laugh a bit.

"Thank you." I say and Erwin gets up to leave. Even after he leaves, it stays quiet for awhile until Levi finally says something.

"I guess that was a bad way to explain how I feel." He says with a laugh and I look over to him. He looks lighthearted, but his eyes are nervous. I let go of his hand and move closer to him, my hand finding the back of his neck.

"You don't realize you're too good for me." I say and he smile falls.

"That's where you're wrong. My life was just routine until you came around. You've changed everything for me." He says and I pull him closer burying my face in his neck.

"Is that a good thing though? I mean, you had a happy life with your sister." I say and he nods.

"And what would happen when she and Farlan get married? I'd be the everlasting third wheel? No. I would be alone." He says and I sigh.

"So do you love me or do you just want someone? What about Petra? She's beautiful." I say despite how happy I am that he loves me. Because although I am, I want him to be safe. And he's not safe with me.

He pulls away and takes my face in his hands and kisses me the way I love so much. We don't even need to talk when he kisses me like this. Every movement has a meaning and every sigh says a word.

He pulls away and looks into my eyes and I can't help but wonder if he's ever looked at anyone like this. In a way that makes them feel loved and desired and unique. 

"Do you know why I love you?" He asks and I shake my head barely since it's being held in place. His hands move around my waist and he pulls me into his lap.

"When we went on the mission, you let everyone else leave before you. You stayed back because you didn't want anyone else getting hurt. You're caring like no one I've ever seen before. You never stop fighting." He says and I sigh.

"I'm really tired of fighting, Levi." I say honestly and he nods.

"I know. You won't need to for much longer." He says and I glance down. 

"Then why do I have such a bad feeling about this mission?" I ask and he leans his head on mine.

"Don't think about it. The more you think about it, the worse it'll get." He says and pulls me closer. "Just for tonight, let me help you forget." He says and I look at him and shake my head.

"We're not having sex." I say and he nods.

"I didn't mean it like that." He says and pecks my lips. "I mean let's distract you. We can do whatever you want as long as you can relax. It's not healthy to be this stressed." He says and I smile. 

We end up laying down and listening to ocean noises, him holding me. It's calming and distracting as he absentmindedly rubs my back. It brings me back to our first night like this, on the roof.

I look up to Levi and place a hand on his cheek. "We're still going to see the oceans together, right?" I ask and he smiles and breathes out a small laugh.

"Yeah we are. We'll visit all off them once this whole this is cleared up. Once we defeat the Titans, I'm taking you far away from here." He says and I nods.

"A vacation would be nice." I say and he chuckles a bit.

"Time alone with you would be awesome since I'm still worried Armin is gonna walk in at any moment and kick me out." He says and I laugh. 

"His timing is far too convenient." I sat sarcastically and Levi scowls.

"Do you think he might like you?" Levi asks and I laugh obnoxiously at that. 

"Armin? Me? Oh god, no, he needs a real man." I say and he looks confused.

"Are you saying you're not a real man?" He asks and I shake my head.

"I'm not saying... Are you jealous?" I ask and he rolls his eyes.

"Of course not." He says, but the pink painted on his cheeks tells me differently.

"Oh my god, you're jealous of Armin." I say and he rolls his eyes.

"Maybe a little." He says and I stop laughing to stare at him, trying to contain my amusement.

"Why? I already told you I love you." I say and he nods.

"I know, but he gets to wake up to you every morning, even if you don't sleep in the same bed." He says and I start to blush. 

"But he doesn't get to kiss me, does he?" I say with a smirk that he mirrors as he leans over me.

"I guess that's true." He says and presses his lips to mine, but before he can even start to move them, there's a pounding on the door.

"Eren! I need your help!" A small voice yells and Levi gets to his side of the bed before Historia comes in, eyelids red from crying.

"Are you okay?" I ask and she shakes her head.

"Ymir didn't do it." She say and I move to sit upright.

"We have a lot of proof against her. What makes you so sure?" Levi says as she moves across the room to where a few pictures are pinned to my wall. Then she starts taking them down.

"They showed me this so call "proof". How old are those photos?" He says and my eyebrows furrow as Levi's widen.

"I didn't even think of that." He says as she rips down one, showing a hidden camera in my wall and it's suddenly much harder to breathe. So much for calming down tonight. She pulls it out of the wall and drops it, stepping on it.

"There's pictures from before the mission on there. There's no possible way it could be Ymir." Historia says, and Levi shakes his head.

"It still could be her, but she'd have to have help from someone." Levi says and Historia pauses before nodding.

"I guess that makes sense." She says and I shake my head. 

"No, it doesn't. She could've done something long before I went to the academy. We went through most of school together, so why now that I have security?" I ask and Levi looks up in thought before turning to me. 

"You're right, that doesn't make sense." He says and turns to Historia. "Your friend isn't off the hook yet. We'll question her tomorrow." He says and Historia nods. 

"That's understandable. I need to talk to you, Eren, but I'll leave you two alone for now. Sorry to disrupt." She says, much more upright than before and I realize that was probably the way she way raised and her barging in took a lot of courage for her.

"Thank you. I'll talk to you tomorrow." I say and she smiles to me in a more relaxed way and nods before excusing herself. I turn back to Levi and he wraps his arms around me.

"Goddammit. We were so close." He says and I nod. 

"I know." I simply state, because what else can we say. With the ocean sounds still in the background, out safety drifts further away.


	21. Helicopter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I'm gonna say major trigger warnings in this one. Kidnap, murder, finding a body... yeah. I'm sorry.

Training holds high tensions for all of us, word having gotten out about the traitor. For the first time ever, none of us joke and none of us relax. Hell, I swear Bert stopped breathing a few minutes ago.

Levi obviously doesn't care about boundaries or trying to keep us on the down-low today. He's been next to me the whole day, making sure no one stepped out of line. He's trying to seem put together and intimidating, but I know he's as scared as I am.

Although I want Historia to be right, I also want her to be wrong. I want to be safe, but I want Ymir to be free. I just don't think she's the one who did it.

Historia and I talked briefly this morning so that we could figure out when we could sit down and have a discussion. Something seemed to be really bothering her, so we agreed tonight. 

I'm just standing next to Levi when he turns to me. "Want to fight?" He asks and I eye him with confusion. 

"Why now?" I ask and he shrugs.

"We haven't done this for awhile and I want to beat you." He says and I smirk, looking forward.

"That's cute." I say and he scoffs.

"If you haven't noticed, I'm much bigger than you." He says and I nod.

"Yet I've beaten you before." I say and glance over at him to see him roll his eyes.

"I was caught off guard." He says and crosses his arms, making me narrow my eyes.

"Then prove it, pretty boy." I say and he smirks before walking past me.

"If we're gonna do this, we're gonna do this right." He says and I follow after him as he walks over to a mat. We set up in our own positions and he smirks.

"On three?" He says confidently and I roll my eyes. 

"Your count." I say he he smiles.

"Three." He says confidently as we start walking in a circle, neither of us approaching the other. I don't know how long this goes on until a voice next to me takes me out of my zone for a second. "Kick his ass, Eren!" A familiar voice yells and I nearly laugh as Jean is countered by voices cheering either of us on.

I charge at Levi, ready to punch him, but he blocks it with his arm. He punches my stomach while it's still open, sending me back a bit, but i quickly regain my footing. He's not messing around this time. He goes to kick me while I'm down, but I grab his foot and twist him so that he falls. I go to step on his ankle to prevent him from moving, but he kicks me while I'm only on one foot, making me crush to the ground. He climbs on me and pins me down and I stare up at him with wide eyes as everyone around us cheers. He has that smirk back on his face and I just want to slap it off.

_Maybe I will._

I buck my hips up into his and he groans while I roll us so he's on his back. I step on both of his legs and grab both of his arms with one hand, holding my other forearm to his neck. The people around us count to five as Levi squirms under me. Once it's been counted, I get off gently and Levi just falls back on the mat.

"Did you really have to hit my balls?" He asks and I shrug.

"When it was that easy, yes." I say and offer him a hand up, which he takes.

"That really hurt." He pouts and I reach up and put a hand on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry." I say and lean up, kissing his cheek and he takes my hand to start walking towards our team, staring in confusion.

"I don't get it. Are you a thing or not?" Eld asks and I start blushing as Levi pulls me closer. I kind of forgot about the whole hiding it thing and it's obviously out now.

"Yeah, I'm dating him now." Levi says and everyone cheers and I nearly cringe at the use of "him". I sigh and smile up at him, but if the look on his face is anything to go by, he seems happy to be with me. Proud even. 

He kisses my forehead lightly and everyone is cheering except for Jean. He's smiling, but I can tell he's as worried as I am. And god, i don't know what I'm gonna do when I have to tell him that I'm a girl. It might change everything and I'd hate it if that happened. But I just can't imagine something so great lasting.

We all spar for the rest of practice while everyone teases Levi and I about our newly announced relationship. One that practice ends, we all go our separate ways. I go to my room where I'm supposed to meet Historia, but before I go in, I pause at a noise inside. It's a loud crash, as if something is being slammed and I feel a sense of panic. I quickly try to open  to door to find it jammed shut somehow. I can twist the handle, so I know it's not locked, but something is holding it shut. 

In a stupid rush of an idea, I kick the door. When that doesn't work I repeat it over and over. I'm only stopped when someone physically holds me back. "Let go of me!" I yell as I turn my face to see Farlan and Connie with matching looks of concern. 

"What's going on?" Farlan asks and I shake him off of me. 

"Historia is in there and it won't open. I think..."

"Shut up!" Connie interrupts me and presses his ear against the door. Then he grabs Farlan and my arms, pulling us through the hallway. I don't question it as he pulls us to the staircase leading to the roof. Once we make it to the top and I understand why Connie brought us up here. Because there's an helicopter flying away and I know it's not ours.

"Fuck." Farlan reads all of our minds as I stare up. I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and pull it out to see that it's Levi. I answer it and put it to my ear.

"What's wrong?" I immediately assume and he pauses.

"How do you know something's wrong?" He says and I have to take a moment to form words.

"Because Historia was just kidnapped." I say and Levi swears. Profusely.

"Fucking... have you seen Isabel?" He asks and I swallow thickly.

"You don't think..."

"Where are you? I'm coming back to the base." He says and I barely have time to tell him where I am before he tells me to stay there and safe then hangs up. It's almost surprising how quickly he gets there after Connie goes to find Erwin and fill him in.

"Levi, where is she?" Farlan starts urgently and Levi swears again. 

"I was really hoping she was with you." Levi says and I think we're all starting to take in the urgency of the situation. I go past them and go back downstairs, not noticing they're following me until I reach me door. I just have a feeling of dread about what's behind the door, but at the same time, I have to know. One more time, I slam my foot into it and the door falls off the hinges. And I fall back as what I see as if it had hit me. But it didn't. Because a dead body can't hit you. I sit on my butt with my arms propping me up from behind as I stare at the corpse hanging in my room.

My mother's corpse.

Her eyes are closed, but there's blood around her neck from where the rope covers her skin. Her face is as white as a ghost, but that's without a doubt her. And I can't move. Can't even think really. There's no sadness or anger or anything except an empty feeling in my chest that's overwhelming. A pair of arms wrap around my shoulders and I lean into them as they take a seat next to me. I lean into the arms and blonde hair rubs against my face as I realize it's Farlan holding me right now. 

I look up to Levi to see him staring frozen at the corpse in my room and I know the look in his eyes. It's the one that I had when I found out about my father's case. That realization of how it could've been you. He knows that could've been him, too. How they could've easily chosen to kill my boyfriend over my mother. 

And that brings me back to why this was a bad idea in the first place. Why I turned him down to begin with. The pain of the knowledge he has might be enough to break him.

I stand up, removing myself from Farlan's arms and move toward the room, pulling the door shut. It takes every ounce of energy I have to close the door, forever removing myself from viewing my mother again. I fall to my knees, unmoving, as the world starts to move around me. That helicopter not only took people, but any piece of my sense of security I thought I had. 

The hallway seems to flood with people and pretty soon, investigative police and curious bystanders and people who might be involved. The only thing I manage to say is to Annie. 

"Keep Mikasa away from here. The last thing she needs is to see that." I saw, but Annie seems worried. 

"Are you sure? Maybe she she come see you and..."

"No. Don't let her see." I say and turn to her and I can see the concern and sadness in her eyes as she nods, walking back towards the girl's dormitory. Other's try talking to me after that, but I can't bring myself to respond. Farlan and Levi end up sitting on either side of me as the police slip in and out of my room, keeping it out of view until they take the body bag out of the room. I hide my face into Levi's neck, knowing that it's the last comfort I have. We have to take action asap. This isn't passive aggression, no, this is homicide. 

We don't have a choice.

They have two of our people.

We have to go after them.

 

 

 

 


	22. Sweet Kisses and Stolen Safety

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, for starters, I just want to say that this is the start of a darker arc if you didn't catch that from last chapter. It's not a very happy one but it's important. It's the first big climax of like three.
> 
> Also, I'm not sure how often I will be posting. I have like seven chapters written, but there a two chapter gap between those and this one because I write random scenes before I write the whole story. So yeah, It'll probably be soon, but just be warned that I'm not completely sure.
> 
> Also, thank you for supporting me so much in this! You are very patient with this whole thing. A lot will be revealed very soon and you're gonna get a lot of angst and a bit of angsty fluff. Just sit tight and enjoy the ride.
> 
> Enjoy a rather fluffy(er than last) chapter!

Levi and I end up taking a spare dorm room, him not wanting to go home to an empty house and me never wanting to return to that room. His arms are tight around me as we lay together. I don't care about my binder. I have my nose in my phone as I look at the private chat of our squad, Levi reading over my shoulder. We're making plans for tomorrow morning since Levi, Farlan, and I can't see them. Farlan ended up going back to his room crying after awhile and I still haven't brought myself to speak vocally. 

We're leaving in the morning to Sina since Petra believes that's where there new base is. It's not surprising since they're the biggest territory they could get a captive to quickly, but still, we can't be completely sure until tomorrow we just have to hope the odds are in out favor.

And really, are they ever?

We make a plan to leave early the next morning and we all delete the conversation from our phones with the plan. It probably wasn't very smart to text it, but it also wouldn't be smart for all of us to meet up right now. Levi holds me in silence for awhile as we both search for words. I mean, what can you possibly say about that? "Hey, I'm sorry that you sister is missing and we just found my mom hung in my room"? Yeah, I don't think so.

The weird thing is that neither of us have cried. I don't know if it's shock or numbness or just being too desensitized, but we just lay quietly. He occasionally will start kissing my neck or his arm will leave my waist to play with my hair or it will move to my chest, right over my heart. He's scared too right now after seeing that, so I don't blame him. Right now, his breath tickles me as his plants sweet kisses behind my ear. My hand is stroking his arm that's draped over my shoulder, keeping us both calm. His chest pounds violently on my back and I lean back into him, trying to get him to relax, but my mind wanders to dangerous paths and my stroking stops.

I mean, what if it had been him? Or Mikasa or Armin? As much as I'm torn apart about this, I can't help but wonder why only her? Are they trying to break me down slowly or did they just want to make the least amount of noise?

I also wonder what happens now for her. I don't know if I believe in a heaven, but she might be an angel now. The thought is comforting to me, yet saddening. To think that she's left us for good and I'll only see her again when I meet my fate. As long as she's happy, I guess I don't mind. What matters is that she's happy. I hope.

Levi sighs against my neck and I can't help but think maybe I should let him go. He deserves to be happy too and when you're always up against something worse and worse, you can't be happy. I don't know what I'd do if I found him hanging in my room.

I shiver at the thought, making Levi break his silence.

"Are you okay, Eren?" He asks and I shrug as I finally try to speak.

"Honestly, I've been better." I say and he kisses my neck. 

"I know. I... I wish I knew what to say to help." He says and I turn to him so that we're flushes in front, noses brushing and mouths pressed together in a way that can't quite be considered a kiss, but more of a need to be close. My lips glides over his closed ones as I talk.

"Just having you here is enough." I say and he pulls me closer as I think out loud. "What happens now?" I ask and he sigh.

"We hope for the best." He says and I look down.

"Levi, I think we both know you'd be safer if..."

"Don't even say it." He says sharply and I meet his eyes again to see them full of fire and passion I wish I could feel. Well, actually, I do feel it about him, but I just don't have the confidence in myself that he has in me. 

"Then stop pretending it isn't true." I say and his breath staggers.

"There's something I want to tell you." He says as his eyes open again and I feel him bite his lip. "I don't know if I'll make it tomorrow or..."

"Don't." I stop him and he pauses before continuing.

"I need to tell you this." He says and I nod. He takes a deep breath before starting. "I want you to know that if it comes down to you or me, please let them take me." He says and I feel my eye widen. 

"No, I won't." I say and his hand move to my cheek.

"I need you." He says and his eyes to stare right into mine as if looking into something deeper. "If you were taken or worse and I was fine, I'd never forgive myself. Please, just be safe. Whatever you do, don't die." He says and I can't find a response as I'm taken aback by the desperation of his words. He stares at me for a second as I shift closer to him.

"I don't think you get it." I say and his eyebrows furrow. "I feel the same way and there's no way I'd put you in danger just to save myself." I say and he sighs.

"I guess we'll just both have to make it out alive." He says with a laugh that's much more forced than it should be.

"Levi, it's gonna be fine." I say and his eyes fall closed.

"Can you really blame me for being worried?" He asks and I shake my head.

"Look at me." I say and his blue eyes flutter open and I smile against his lips. "We're going to be okay. I'm gonna make sure we're okay. I love you too much to let you get hurt because of me." I say and he frowns.

"But..."

"Stop." I say one of my hands find his hair. "I know it's not much, but we have tonight. We can't do anything more than we've been doing, but..." He stops me by pressing that much closer and kissing me quickly before pulling away.

"I couldn't want anything more than the privilege to kiss you." He says and I giggle a bit.

"God, you're corny." I say and he chuckles.

"But am I really? I get to kiss the most amazing person I've ever met and call him mine." He says and my eyes close so that he can't read the pain behind that word. "Him". Just the lie behind that. I wish I could tell him, but now more than ever, I can't. Not until we're safe.

"There..." I start as I open my eyes and look into his kind ones. "There are still things you don't know about me. Things I can't tell you."

"I know." He says and I shake my head.

"Let me finish." I say and he nods before I continue. "But those things don't change this. That I need you too and I'm in love with you. And maybe it's cheesy and maybe it's stupid, but I'm not losing you over something I can control." I say and he smiles softly against my lips.

"The feeling is mutual." He says and I close my eyes and lean against him.

"I love you, Levi. I don't think words can describe how much you mean to me. But I can't shake the feeling that everything is about to change." I say and he nods.

"Just for tonight, let's pretend it won't. Just you and me. No pushing boundaries or worrying, just us." He says as his hand once again finds its place at my waist and I nod and pull him a close as I possibly can, pressing my lips more firmly to his. He sighs into the kiss as his lips move against mine. He's gentle with it, but still into it enough that I know he feel something. There's a fire behind it that makes me open my mouth as his tongue swipes my bottom lip. His taste floods my mouth with cherry and something that's distinctly him and I can't get enough of it. Our tongue lazily fight as he pulls me so close, I can feel his staggering heartbeat.

I pull away from his and catch my breath for a moment as his arms fully wrap around me, making it so we're flushed. I love the feeling of his muscular arms around me, making me feel safe. He pecks my lips repeatedly, leaving short, soft kisses on my until he stops and presses his forehead against mine. "You're so beautiful, Eren. I don't think I've ever properly told you that, but I've never met anyone more perfect in my life." He says and it twists my stomach in a painful way. Because he's seen me as a girl before, if only in short passing. He even stopped me to tell me I was beautiful. So maybe he would only like me as a boy. But I still can't help myself from asking.

"What if I didn't look like this? What if I wasn't exactly who you think I am? Like, what if I was a girl?" I ask and he chuckles.

"You being beautiful isn't just about your looks, it's about you. Yes, you are a very good looking person, but it's what's on the inside that matters. And I wouldn't care if you were a girl as long as you were still Eren Jaeger." He says and I sigh.

"So you don't just like me because I'm a boy?" I ask and he chuckles.

"Of course not. I love you because you're you. I like people, not bodies. You're face just happens to be a plus. Especially those big, blue eyes." He says and kisses me lightly. "And I trust you a lot. Which is kind of important when you ask me cryptic questions like that." He says and I frown.

"I promise I'll explain everything when I can." I say and he nods.

"Okay." He says and I peck his lips.

"Thank you, Levi." I say and his eyebrows furrow.

"For what?" He asks as my hand moves to stroke his cheek with my thumb.

"For being you. For being here for me." I say and he smiles.

"There's nowhere else I'd rather be than with you, Sweetheart." He says and kisses me fully again and I find myself never wanting to leave the safety of tonight in his arms and face tomorrow, but I know I have to, so I bask in the moment. We languidly kiss until we can no longer stay awake and fall asleep in each other's arms while we dread the morning.


	23. Rescue: Pt. 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Armin symbolizes me right now. Just saying.

I wake up the next day in Levi's arms as my phone alarm goes off. He groans in my ear and I sigh. The last thing I want to do is face to day. It's supposed to be a protocol, basic mission but with everything from just yesterday, it's obvious that this is anything but ordinary. From what was supposed to be an investigative mission in a week is now a rescue in less than and hour. 

I open my eyes to Levi's closed ones and I wiggle myself out of his grip. "We need to wake up." I say and he sits up and wraps his arms around me, pulling me further onto his lap. He kisses my shoulder and sighs.

"Remember what I said. Please be careful." He says and I turn my head as he lifts his. I reach my hand to pull him down to lightly peck his lips. 

"You too." I say and get up, grabbing my still ringing phone from the counter and going to the door. I turn back to see Levi sitting on the bed with his face in his hands and I sigh. A lot is riding on today for him and I don't want to be a cause for more stress. I quietly leave the room and go to the closest room I know with people who are awake at the ass-crack of dawn. I knock on the door and a worn-out Farlan opens it.

"Hey Eren." He say and my eyes widen as I take him in. He's obviously gotten no sleep at all and he's no doubt been crying. Without much thought to it, I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him down into a hug.

"I'm sorry." I say and returns the embrace.

"So am I." He says and I know what he's referring to, making my chest heave a bit. 

"Where did Armin sleep last night?" I ask and Marco walks over and leans against the wall as I let go of Farlan. 

"He slept with Connie and Jean on the futon. He's pretty rattled about the whole thing. I'm just glad Jean kept him away after he found out." He says and I sigh in relief.

"Good." I say as Marco wraps his arms around me and for being awake so early, I'm really feeling the love today.

"How are you doing?" He asks and I shrug.

"I don't really want to think about it." I say and Marco nods. He pulls away and I remember why I came here in the first place. "Do you guys have any small clothes. Like, has Isabel left anything here." I ask and suddenly regret it as I see Farlan tense.

"Um, yeah. I'll grab some for you." He says and walks over. I gulp and look over to Marco who pats my back understandingly before walking over to his dresser. I follow him over to as he opens the drawer rather aggressively. I pat his back as he lets out a sigh. I notice Marco excuses himself and I figure now is a good time to talk to him. He can't go into the mission like this.

"You know we're gonna find her." I say and he nods.

"It's not finding her I'm worried about." He says as he pulls some jeggings out of the dresser. "I just don't know what will happen before then." He says and grabs a black t-shirt and hands them to me.

"She's gonna be okay, Farlan. She's a fighter. We're gonna find her and everything will be okay." I say and he turns to me with a sad look on his face.

"You sound like you're trying to convince yourself as well." He says as he sits down on the bed. I sigh as I join him.

"Maybe a bit. But I do think she'll be okay." I say and he frowns.

"You seem really worried, Eren. You have for weeks now. What's going on?" He asks and I think for a second. I could just tell him everything, but that would mean explaining so much. He's already so hurt, why would I want to make it worse?

"It's a long story." I say and before he can respond, the door opens and I can't even see who it is before a blonde little fluff is tackling me. I'm pushed back just as Armin looks up at me.

"Oh my god, are you okay? Please tell me you're okay? Why do you have to go? You need to stay safe. Oh my god, Eren, I was so scared when I couldn't find you last night. You're damn lucky Marco told me everything or else I would've hunted you down, you ass." He says in one breath and I just blink at him as he shoves his face in my neck. I rigidly wrap my arms around him as I notice his my neck is getting wet.

"Armin, it's okay. I'm fine. Everything is okay." I say for everyone now standing in the room. Marco is back, along with Jean, Sasha, and Connie, and I notice a bit of black hair peaking in and know it's Mikasa. She makes her way into the room as Armin pulls his head back. 

"I'm sorry, I'm just so shocked and I don't know, I'm just scared. Do you all have to go today?" He says that last part as he looks around the room. Mikasa sits on the empty side of me and rests her head on my shoulder. Nobody answers Armin as he starts to cry hysterically. 

I look up to Marco and Connie as they look at Armin and gulp. They look as lost as I feel. I mean, how could you not? Everything is so unknown and incredibly dangerous that nothing can be promised. Jean steps forward and pats Armin's back with a sigh. "You guys will be fine. Right?" He says, sounding unsure. "I mean, what are the chances of something bad actually happening?" He asks hopefully, but Mikasa crushes it. 

"High. Incredibly high." She says and draws her knees to her chest. Reiner, Annie, and Bert come in together, Reiner looking an absolute wreak. Guess I can't blame him after yesterday. The two of them are also ready for the mission. Only Farlan and I still have to get ready. Farlan does seem to care about Mikasa being in the room as he goes to the door and shuts it and turns to the wall as he changes. Marco walks up to Reiner and pulls him into a hug, which is hesitantly reciprocated. I pick Armin up and move him as I go to change in the bathroom. My binder has been bothering me a bit, so I want to fix that I'm not surprised when two pairs of footsteps follow me.

One of them closes the door behind me and I turn two make sure it's who I think it is. Sure enough, it's Mikasa and Armin. Mikasa walks up and wraps her arms around me, pulling me close. "You better make it home. Be safe and don't do anything stupid." She says and I nod next to her head. 

"I will. I'll try and be safe." I say and she pulls away and glares at me.

"No. You don't try. You fucking stay alive." She say and Armin puts a hand on her shoulder.

"Calm down. It's okay." He says and sniffles a bit. "Just be careful. That's all we can ask." He says with a sad smile. A sob he had been obviously holding back comes out and I pull him into a hug. Mikasa joins in and we just take a moment to just hold each other. I feel as though I'm being dramatic, but I don't know what's gonna happen now.

Our hug eventually ends and I pull away to start to change. Before I can even take off my shirt, Mikasa speaks up. "Don't wear your binder. Use a wrap or something less constricting." She says and I nod. I have a compression tank top and a binder on, so I can get away with it for today. Besides, she does have a point. If Hanji knew I've been wearing it as much as I have, she'd have my head.

We look around for a bit before finding one in a first aid kit. Once I'm all wrapped up and it's put away, we walk into the room and everyone just stands there quietly, all knowing what happens next, but no one willing to set it into motion. I grab Mikasa's and Armin's hands and sigh. "Isn't this what we were training for? Don't you think we're ready?" I ask and Mikasa shrugs and Farlan nods. 

"It's just so different than what I thought it'd be." He says and I nod. Jean sighs and for probably the first time in his life, says something with acting like he's too cool for everyone. 

"Just please be safe. Tonight should be exactly the same except we'll have two more people." He says and I smile and nod at him. We have to come back. Because even after this mission, it isn't over. I go up to Jean, still holing onto Mikasa and Armin, and bring him into a tight hug, the other two joining soon after. Pretty soon, multiple arms are around us and we all just stand there and hug as out last safety. That too ends soon and then the six of us are leaving with a promise to come back.

We get to the plane and meet up with everyone there, including Petra and the man that flies our jet. Petra fills is in on the plan real quickly before hugging all of us who have a personal relation to this missing. Right before I get on the plane, Ymir comes up and I find myself a bit releaved and terrified she's free as she runs up to me.

"Please save her." She begs as I hug her and I nod.

"We wil." I say and she wishes me safe before I leave.

It's not long before we're sitting on the helicopter on the way to Sina. Sitting next to Levi and Bert, most of them all talk. It's less tense than the first mission yet so much more at the same time. We know each other more yet we are in a much larger amount of danger. I lace my hand in Levi's and Eld and Gunter do the same, smiling to each other nervously while conversing with Oluo.

Reiner and Connie joke around while Bert and Marco talk quietly, but Farlan, Levi, and I stay very quiet. We don't dare say anything, too caught up in what happens next. Well, I know they are. To be honest, I'm just thinking about my mom and if I may see her sooner than planned.

We get there and land even further away than last time right as the sun is starting to rise. But when everyone stars to move, I don't. I can't really bring myself to. No, how could I? These thoughts and feelings of dread and fear shake me so deeply it's hard to move.

"You okay?" A warm voice asks and I smile sadly to Levi.

"What if we aren't ready?" I ask when I see that only the pilot and Eld are still there since they're staying here. They stay in the other cabin as we talk.

"You can't worry about that right now." He says and I stand up defiantly.

"Well, I am. And do you honestly blame me?" I ask and he sighs.

"I know. I get it, but we have to forget about it." He says and he wraps his arms around my waist. I close my eyes as he rests his chin on my head and for everything being so wrong, it still feels perfect in his arms.

All at once, I realize that this might not happen again and it nearly knocks the wind out of me. This can't _not_ happen again. I can't lose Levi. He's been in my life for several months now and now a life without him is unthinkable. 

He pulls me closer and I try to calm down, but it's like everything is hitting me at once. I really need him. I never realized how much I need him but, god, I really do. I take his face in my shaking hands and pull his so his forehead is on mine. I know this is so dangerous, but I need to say it. "Please don't die. Please. I need you and... fuck, please, Levi." I say and his hands come up and cover mine.

"I'll try, okay? I'll try for you. But you can't die either." He says and he closes his eyes, obviously having trouble breathing as well. I pull him close so I can press my lips to his, but it happens with more desperation than I intended. I knew I loved him before, but it just hit me how incredibly uncontrollable this is. I really couldn't live without him and that thought is both terrifying and amazing. His lips soon match my pace and if he wasn't already holding me up, my knees would give out.

It's that kiss you wait for your whole life. I thought we had had it before, but no. This one is different. Because this may be all we have. It's not want, it's need. It's not desire, it's necessity. It's as if we're kissing for what could be the last time. We just have to hope it isn't. But we have this moment, even if it only lasts a few seconds, and we put everything into it. He pulls away and I'm almost dizzy from the intensity of the kiss. It wasn't tongue heavy and didn't have any groping, but we both know what it means and that's more powerful than any physical action that could be done. 

"I love you." He says to me and I lean my head on his. 

"I love you too. Please don't die." I say and he pulls back to kiss my forehead and I close my eyes, unable to face the reality of the situation when it feels so great in his arms. But a voice behind us makes us move on, leaving our last moment of safety here on the plane, where who knows if we'll return.

"Sorry guys, but we have to go now." Farlan says quietly, knowing how much this probably hurts. If there's anyone here who understands the pain of the situation, it's him and Reiner.

I pull away from Levi reluctantly and make sure my gun is on my belt. "Okay, let's go."


	24. Rescue Pt. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, for my trigger warning for this chapter, I added a tag and a warning. I just feel like this fits into the story. So, here you go. Sorry.

With Eld on the plane, we split up the rest of us. I'm with Farlan, Levi, and Oluo while Gunther, Bert, Connie, Marco, and Reiner are all together. They're looking for Historia while we look for Isabel. Going to the castle is much harder than before since we have to start being careful as soon as we get to the gate.

It's still early enough that we have the rising sun to help us. We go with the rays to prevent them from seeing us, though looking over towards them, it seems rather slow, as if there aren't that many people there and it worries me. What if they aren't here? I shake the thought from my head. If I keep thinking like that, we'll never find them, even if they are here. When we get to the back entrance that Historia showed us last time we were here, we all turn to each other. "Once you're done, someone take them to the jet and help cover the other team. if they're done, meet up and we'll go." Oluo says and we all nod. I look to the other team and they all look horribly nervous. Bert is sweating more than normal, Reiner won't meet anyone's eyes, Connie is shaking, Oluo is chewing on his lip, and Marco is fidgeting nonstop. Connie tries smiling to me, but it's weak, but then again, no one can fully smile at the moment. 

With a nod towards them, we go off on our own way and I'm left with an uneasy feeling I try to shake off. We know this place well after meetings dedicated to learning it. We don't know what to except, though, so that makes us all the more cautious. Once we find the captive wing, we press out ears to door after door, waiting until we hear something. But we get through a whole series hallways and we still get nothing.

There's one more spot in the castle where she could be, so as we travel there, I notice how different Farlan's stance and eyes are. He's no longer scared. No, he's almost calm, scarily collected as we continue to look for her. It's confusing as he nods to me as we listen for any screams. 

We branch into a hallway and Oluo turns to us. "Levi and I will go to the end and you two look down. If you hear anything, kick the door. Don't give them time to get armed." He says in a harsh whisper. Farlan goes to the other side of the hallway and we start listening. I hear nothing for awhile and as I approach the middle of the hallway, I start to panic.

But finally, I hear muffled screams on the other side and kick it open to a sight I'm not prepared for. Isabel is tied to a chair by her arms, legs, and waist. Naked. Her legs are tied to the arm of the chair and her privates are completely exposed. And bleeding. 

There's someone who's holding onto the leg and other than the two of them, the room is empty. Without any thought, I grab my gun and shoot the guy through the heart. Isabel's breathing picks and she starts to cry.

Just as I hear someone call my name, I look in her eyes and know she's begging me for something, but she has a bar gag in her mouth. With my eyes still on her, I call out. "Farlan?" I ask and she nods as she full on sobs and my heart breaks for her. He runs over, but I stop him before he can see her.

"You have to make this quick. You can stay with her on the plane, just get her out of here. I'll keep the others out until you come out." I say and he looks terrified as he nods to me. I pat his arm and he runs into the room. I close the door behind him as Levi runs up to me. 

"Is she in there?" He asks and I nod. He tries to move past me, but I grab his arm.

"Let them be. You don't want to be in there right now." I say and he closes his eyes. 

"She's alive, right?" He asks and I grab his hand.

"She's alive, but she needs Farlan right now." I say and he nods before leaning down and kissing my forehead. He pulls back and I raise and eyebrow to him. "What was that for?" I ask and he smiles, although a bit pained.

He shrugs and squeezes my hand and I don't know what else to do but squeeze back. We lean against the wall, holding our guns in the hands not holding each other's. Oluo comes over and I jerk my head towards the room and they hum in understanding. He goes to lean on the wall across from us and we stand in silence. This may be dangerous, but Isabel is going to need time just to be coaxed to move.

The thought doesn't make me sad though. No, it makes me angrier than I've ever been before. The fact that the Titans could do this to her, kill my mom, and who knows what they're doing to Historia. It's doubtful they'd hurt her too much though. They need her. She's a princess, so they can't kill her. But still, with everything that's happened this far, I'm seething with rage that I don't know how to control.

Farlan comes out carrying Isabel who is wearing the sweatshirt that Farlan had gone in wearing. She weeping, holding the gag to her mouth to no doubt hold back sobs and that makes it all the more sad of a sight. I look up to Farlan to see him look as angry as I feel. The other two, though, look too shocked to show any real emotions. Farlan walks over to Oluo and hands Isabel to him. He looks confused and rather flustered as Farlan leans down and kisses Isabel's forehead.

"Take her to the helicopter. We'll help find Historia." He says as he turns off the safety on his gun. Oluo nods and lifts his gun to with a free. He starts to walk away as a loud scream suddenly echo throughout the halls. A rather masculine voice. I look to Levi and Farlan and Levi pulls his gun completely out. 

"Split up. Meet here in twenty minutes if you can't find them. If you find them, let everyone know." He says and I nod. Farlan and Levi leave and I turn to do the same before my walky-talky crackles and I hear Connie's voice. 

 _"We need backup. We found her and Gunther is taking her to the jet, but we're surrounded and Reiner..."_ The voice cut off suddenly and I hear another scream. I sprint in that direction and hope I'm not too late.


	25. Rescue: Pt. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yay for double posting today, but....... I'm appologizing in advance. Triggers: blood, shooting, gore, and death

I run to follow the source of the scream, gun in hand. I don't know if I can make it before anything happens, but... 

I find myself in an store room with only one other person in it. Cautiously, I step forward and I sigh in relief when I see who it is.

"Reiner?" I ask as he turns towards me with a surprised smile. 

"Hey, there you are. I lost my team." He says and I nod.

"What happened? I got a panicked call and..." I'm interrupted by a sudden bang of what sounds like a box. My grip on my gun tightens as I look around the room. It's filled with crates of all shapes and sizes and anyone could hide anywhere.

"You look at that half of the room and I'll look over here." He whispers and I do just that and I cross over to the other side of the room. I search through large crates as I scan the room, making sure no one is hiding and seeing if I can use anything.

Most of the crates are empty, except for the occasional tools or weapons. Nothing seems weird until I find a file box. I look through them until I find a name that stops me. 

Grisha Jaeger.

This couldn't be...

I stash the file into my backpack before looking again. It isn't long until another name stops me.

"Reiner, why is you're name in here?" I say and he stiffly turns to me.

"What does it say?" He says and I pause. _Those words can't be right. They can't be. But why would they be here if they weren't?_ I stash his file as the weight of what that said catches up with me.

He was born in Shinganshia.

"Um, nothing." I say and he's suddenly a couple of feet away from me. With a gun. Pointed to my head.

"You sure about that?" He says and my eyes widen.

"Reiner..."

"I'm sorry." He says and pulls the trigger. I manage to move so it barely skims my cheek as I pull my gun out. I know this shot wasn't as clean as the one from the last mission, hitting the same place. It will probably scar, but I couldn't care less about that right now.

I aim it for his hand and shoot. He screams and takes his gun in his other hand before shooting multiple times as I run away, trying to process this change in events.

Reiner is trying to shoot me.

And Bert is nowhere to be found.

It suddenly clicks in my head as a box bursts open right behind me after being shot.

They're traitors.

They took Isabel and Historia. 

They killed my mother.

I crouch behind a metal box as I reload my gun. I'm gonna need all the ammo I can get. When I'm running again, I try to shoot his arms, but he keeps the gun in place enough to cover the so I can't shoot them without opening my weak points.

Instict takes over and I shoot his leg. He screams in pain as I shoot his other. He falls to his knees and I manage to get one of his arms, right in the bicep. He holds up a single arm to shoot, but I shoot his shoulder, right above his heart and other vital organs, and he falls to the ground.

I shoot his now open arm and he lays limply. I walk up to him and step on his chest as he starts to cough and I no longer see my friend. I see a monster.

"You did it, didn't you. You killed my mother." I don't even ask. I state. Because I have no doubt.

"Maybe I did, Maybe I..."

"I've had enough bullshit!" I yell and shoot his other shoulder. Everybody trusted him. Especially his team. His team...

One thought pops in my head terrifies me as I lean down so we're face-to-face.

"What did you do to Connie and Marco?" I ask and he laughs. 

"See for yourself." He says and nods to a box across the room. 

_No._

_He didn't._

I walk over to the wooden box and let out a breath. 

_Please no._

Then I open in. 

And I nearly faint.

Connie still has his eyes open, that alone is terrifying. But his eyes are bloodstained. There's no white in them. He's bleeding from every opening in his body, natural or non. The box is bloody behind his head, so I think I can figure out what happened to him.

I can't figure out what happened to Marco, though. It's as though his body's been ripped in half. It's bloody and gruesome, flesh ripped in a way I didn't know possible. He has a resigned look on his half face that only makes it worse. He's still breathing a bit, with a soft cough coming out of him. I don't know how it's possible for him to be alive, but his eyes soften as he sees me.

A human isn't capable of doing this to them.

Only monsters are.

I turn back to Reiner and without a second thought, shoot him in the head. I turn back to Marco as he lets out a shuttered breath. "Eren? Is that you?" He says and I hold back tears. How is he even alive? He's missing an arm and a leg. I can see one of his ribs. His hair is clumped together with partially dried blood from a spot in his hair that looks as though it's been ripped out.

"Ye-es. It's me." I say, not even bothering to sound like a boy. In this moment, he doesn't deserve to be lied to. 

"I need you to tell something to Jean." He says and I nod. He heaves a wheezing breath before continuing. "Tell him to be happy. Sasha too. That's what Connie wanted. Tell Jean... tell him I love him and... he needs to be with someone who loves him... as much as I do..." He says and it suddenly much harder to breathe. He's giving Jean permission to move on. 

"Is there any way..."

"No..." He says quietly, knowing what I wanted to say. He coughs and smiles sadly. "I'm gonna meet my maker today. Don't let me hold you back." He says and I shake my head.

"You wouldn't.." 

"Yes, I would." He says with a groan. He closes his eyes slowly and I think he's actually gone for a moment until he reaches his hand to me. I take it and hold it with both of my hands. "Beat the Titans, Eren. Beat them... and live... and be happy and... and love and..." He starts crying as he trails off and I squeeze his hand.

"We will. We'll beat the Titans. We'll live." I say because I know I can't promise that I myself will live. I can only hope that I can be the one to do it. But it has Marco smiling, and he sighs heavily.

"Thank you, Eren. Thank you." He says and squeezes my hand and my lungs feel as if they have closed up entirely, but I force myself to speak.

"You're welcome, Marco. I'm sorry." I say and he shakes his head. 

"This isn't you. This is them." He says and coughs again, a bit of blood dripping out this time. He breathe a labored breath before smiling again. He's always smiling. "Goodbye Eren." He says and it takes everything in me not to collapse down after that. I use one of my hands to grip the side of the crate and I squeeze his hand with the other.

"Goodbye Marco." I say and he smiles before exhaling, emptying his lungs as he leaves the earth. I stare at his body for a moment as I take it in. Marco's dead. Connie's dead. Reiner... _What is happening?_ I remove my hand from Marco's still warm one as I reach in and close his eyes. I take one more look at the two of them before closing the box, forever removing them from my sight and life.

Then I fall to the ground.

_Oh my god._

_Connie..._

_Marco..._

It's all too much.

_And Reiner._

I hear the door open and before I can even try to hide, Farlan and Levi run in. They observe the scene, how Reiner is lying dead and how the lid of the box is now dripping blood.

Levi stops moving and Farlan pulls out his gun and points it at me.

"You have ten seconds to explain what happened." He says and Levi just stares at me with hopeful eyes, begging me to tell him that I didn't do all of this. And I didn't. Just some of it.

"Reiner is a Titan." I say and Farlan's eyes widen. I manage to get the file out of my bag, dropping it on the ground and kicking it to him.

"No...." He says as he skims it, obviously wanting to deny it, but he can't.

"He... he..." I say and point to the box, but when they approach it, I jump to my feet.

"Don't do it." I say and they look at me like I'm crazy.

"Why?" Farlan asks and I let out a shaky breath.

"Don't do it. You'll never unsee it." I say and his eyes widen. He nods with a devastated look on his face and moves to the side to call the helecopter.

"We found Eren. The others are dead. We just need to find Bert now." He says and I freeze. Levi walks up to me and grabs my shoulders.

"Are you okay?" He asks and I swallow.

"Where is he?" I say and his eyebrows furrow.

"What do you..."

"Where is Bert?" I ask and his eyebrows furow before the suddenly widen. What scares me is that he's not looking at me.

Levi shoves me to the side right as I hear a gunshot boom.


	26. Rescue Pt. 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll probably post a second tonight. 
> 
> Triggers: Non Con, violence, emotional distress.
> 
> I guess there could be more, so be careful. 
> 
> *Hides in corner*

He's on the ground next to me now. Levi groans in pain as blood leaks from his stomach. 

The bullet shot into him.

I know it's good. He didn't hit any vital organs. It's too close to his side, but he doesn't look too great, still bleeding profusely. I shoot the man the shot Levi in the head without much of a second glance. I kneel next to him as he heaves his breaths.

"Why did you do that?" I ask angrily. He's bleeding out on the floor for crying out loud. He doesn't deserve to be shot. I've killed so many people. If anything, that should be me.

"Because I told you yesterday. I need you." He says and lets out a short laugh and I just stare at him for a second. He was actually willing to take a bullet for me. I brush a hair out of his face as I lean closer to him, feeling a rush of affection overwhelm along with everything else.

"Some might call that stupid." I say, gently this time.

"I never claimed not to be." He says with a smile; pained but real.

"Well, I consider it loyal." I say as I lean to touch my lips to his. It's just a peck because there are more important things to do than kiss him at the moment. He's shaking in pain and bleeding out onto the floor.

"Farlan, you carry him and I'll cover you." I say and he snaps out of his trance. He still looks in shock from everything as he stares down at Levi.

"Yeah. Okay. Wow." He says and moves to pick up Levi. Levi groans loudly and Farlan shoves a part of his shirt in his mouth.

"I know, I'm sorry, but we have to be quiet. There's already been too much noise from here." He says and Levi nods, hands shakily coming up to press the fabric to his mouth.

We start running through the hallway until I hear footsteps behind us and yelling. We're not far from the door, but we aren't gonna make it. "EREN YOU FUCKER GET BACK HERE!" It's Bert.

I turn to them as I grip my gun. "Go back to the plane. If I'm not there on the roof in ten minutes, leave." I say and Levi's eyes widen.

"We're not leaving you." He says as he rips the fabric out of his mouth with a terrified look on his face because he knows what Farlan and I both know. There's no way he can stop me.

"Farlan, take him." I say before leaning down and kissing Levi. I pull back and turn around. "Good luck." I call over my shoulder.

"You too." Farlan says and Levi sighs.

"Please be safe." He says and I glance back to see the pain on both of their faces. I nod and Farlan turns around, taking them both down the extensive hallway and out of sight. I turn back around to see is Bert is there yet just in time to see him shoot. 

I move to the side, but it still hits my arm and I yelp in pain. Bert continues to shoot at me and I dodge them, not having anywhere to hide. He comes right up to me and shoots right at my head, making me move to the left. Right where his arm happens to be and suddenly I'm in a headlock. 

There's a knife digging into my cheek and I suddenly feel regret for letting my guard down. Both my arms are being held back when something suddenly closes around them and my legs are being trapped by someone else's. I can't move with their free hand around my waist. It's the move I taught him and even I don't know a way out. Bert leans down and whispers in my ear.

"I was worried I'd have to kill you before, but I know what you did to Reiner. Now it won't be so hard to hurt such a pretty girl." He says and I'm out of ideas. I feel myself start to panic as his hand with the knife drift down, leaving a path of pain behind. _How did he know? And why does his tone make me want to shrivel up and die?_

He's not pressing hard enough to completely break skin, just enough to sting and cut my shirt as he makes it to my breast. "I should've taken you years ago. Made you my whore. You would've liked that, wouldn't you?" He says and moves his other hand to grope my chest under my binder.

I don't exactly know when I closed my eyes, but I don't regret it. I take a breath and except that I don't have a way out.

I don't even feel his hand on my breast until he pulls, stretching the skin around it and I yelp. It's probably already been ten minutes and my team is gone, leaving me to suffer to this end.

His hand is suddenly shoved into my pants and he grinds against my butt as his hand starts to violently rub and at this point I'm yell at him. His hand is under my underwear, his finger pushing into me and I scream for him to stop.

It hurts as he continues moving in and my screams and whimpers of pain don't stop. I try to block it out, but he keeps whispering nasty things to me that have me almost vomiting. His other hand finds the hem of my pants and I know I don't have any possible way out.

Well, until I hear a gunshot in front of me and something splattering onto my side.

The limbs around me become limp and make me fall with them. I open my eyes to see Bert's lifeless eyes looking at me. And I don't even think as I scream and try to scramble away from him, kicking his arm out of my pants. My arms are still bounded together as I move backward.

My screaming ceases when I see a face I never thought I'd see again.

He's much more age-worn than I remember him. His hair a bit more grey and a few wrinkles now cross his face. His eyes widen as he knows who I am. "Eren? Is it really you?" Grisha asks as I stand up and back away from him.

"Get away from me." I say and he frowns. 

"Eren..."

"Get the fuck away from me!" I yell and I don't think I've ever seen someone look so devastated in my life. I turn around and ran away as fast as I could, going towards the roof.

I made it up there just as it's starting, but it doesn't move away as I frantically run towards it. Once I get to the ladder, I maneuver my arms so they're in front of me and climb up, arms still binded. I ignore the pain as I make my way up the rope. Eventually, someone helps pull me up. 

As soon as I'm on the plane, Isabel pulls me up so I'm kneeling next to the entrance and she hugs me as someone closed the door, but not excitedly like I would expect from her. She holds me despite the fact that I'm covered in my and Bert's blood. And I finally allow myself to cry. After days of worry and loss and just everything, I finally cry.

Everyone stares at me oddly as I do this but Levi, Farlan, and Isabel. Because there's no mask and no facade. It's just me, finally allowing myself to be weak. My voice is messy and in no way masculine like I normally force it to be. My walls are broken down and I'm bare for the world to see. 

Eld sets up a video of Hanji to see Levi and she gasps. "How deep?" She asks as Gunther sits Levi up.

"The bullet is still in and it's bleeding pretty badly. I don't think it hit bone or anything too important, but it's bleeing a lot." Levi heaves and I find myself relieved that the damage isn't worse. I examine my arm to find that although it's bleeding profusely, it's not nearly as bad as Levi's.

"You need to wrap his wounds." Hanji says and Gunther groans.

"Shit, we lost the first aid kit." He says and I almost weep at that, remembering Connie was in charge of it, but I make myself keep that much composure. I try to gain as much of it back as possible as I fall into thought.

We don't have anything to wrap his wound with if we take out the bullet. Well, actually we do. My wrapping. But that would mean telling everyone, letting them know that I've been lying to them. But if we don't put pressure on Levi's wound, he'll bleed to death by the time we get back.

_He can't die._

_I won't let him._

Everybody looks nervous as I sigh shakily. "I'm sorry guys." I say in my normal voice. There's no need to fake it anymore. I take off the remains of my shirt so I'm in only my compression tank.

_I don't have a choice._

_I need to do this._

_For Levi._

_Even if I lose him in the process._

I reach into my tank top through the neck and unravel the wrap. Everybody's eyes widen when the realize I had something in there other than skin. But it gets worse when I finish and you can tell what else I have in it. Levi is staring at me with eyes wider than I've ever seen before and the room is silent except the roaring of the jet.

"This is gonna hurt." I say as I kneel down next to him. I wait for him to give me a shocked nod before I put one of my fingers into his bloody mess of a side. 

"Fuck!" He screams and cringes as I scoop out what I can. I wrap it up, using a ripped piece of my shirt as gauze, and he's breathing heavily. 

"You okay?" I ask and his expression stays unchanged.

"Yeah. I'm... just dazed I guess." He says and glances down at my boobs again and I shake my head. 

"I'm sorry." I say and his eyes widen. I start crying a bit heavier as I feel a pair of arms around me. I look up to see Farlan hugging me.

"It's fine." He whispers to me and I continue crying as he sits down next to me. Isabel sits on my other side along with Eld who starts working on my own arm. Levi smiles to me, albeit a bit pain ridden, but that's to be expected.

But it's something. It might not mean too much, but it's calming. And I need calming as Eld gets the bullet out of my left arm. Because it had felt numb up until this point and now I definitely feel the pain.

And it's everywhere. My whole being radiates pain as I try not to cry out. Isabel hold my free hand and I squeeze it like it's the only comfort I have left. 

Because right now, it feels like it.


	27. Infirmary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess this ends that little climax there. I'll post again, maybe even tonight, but probably more like Friday or something. Here you go.
> 
> Triggers: blood, anxiety, ptsd, injury, etc.

Most of the airplane ride is quiet after that. Once we get back, people crowd the plane. I remember when I was in training, we would come watch. It was always a gamble, whether it had gone well or horribly. I know everybody was expecting this one to go well. Just a saving of a captive. Something they've done thousands of times.

Boy, are they in for a shock.

I wait back so I can help Levi out. The others get the idea and start getting out, slowly but surely. Once they're gone, I turn to Levi.

"So..."

"We should get out there." He said and tries to walk past me, but I gently grab his arm as he starts stumbling.

"Levi, please." I beg him and he sighs and turns to me.

"You could've told me." He said, moving to sit down again. We need to have this talk. I sit next to him as I try to explain myself.

"I wanted to. God, I really wanted to. But you're my captain and if word got out that you knew, we would both be in trouble." I say and he shakes his head while he turns to me.

"I may be your captain, but I'm just a man. I wanted you to tell me. I thought I had fallen in love with a boy." He says and I feel like start bawling again at that. He _had_ loved me.

"I'm sorry to disappoint." I say, not meeting his eyes, but he grabbed my hand and had me look up at him.

"I'm not disappointed at all. I've fallen for the most strong, beautiful women in Trost." He says and starts leaning towards me, but I dodge him.

"I don't want to... after all that." I say and he nods.

"I get that." He say as he stands up and looks at the door. "I'm gonna need you're help getting out there. I can stay on your left side and..." I get up and stand by him as I take his hand on his good side in mine. He looks over at me and smiles sadly.

"I love you." I say, but I'm not smiling. I don't really feel like smiling. Although I'm thrilled that he actually loves me for me, so many other things have happened and I just can't think of being a smiley, happy person right now. He interlocks our hands and squeezes them and it's way more reassuring than it probably should be. I don't let go as we slowly walk outside and I keep him starting upright.

When we reach the door, we're met by silence except for two gasps: Mikasa and Armin. I know it's not a happy gasp, either. It might be about the fact that my boobs are showing to the shocked public. It might be that my arm is wrapped and bleeding through. It might be the bleeding on the left side of my face and the blood splattered on the right. It might be the thin red trail going down my body from the tip of a knife that never fully penetrated but still almost completely cut through my compression shirt.

They look pained as they look as me, and I try to offer them a smile, but I know it turns out to be more of a grimace. I get off the plane to see Erwin at the bottom. He extends a hand to me. "It's nice to finally meet the real you." He says and I shakes his hand weakly, that hand slowly losing strength.

"I'm sorry, sir." I say and he shakes him head.

"Don't apologize. Your service today was enough. Revealing and finishing off two spies is quite an accomplishment." He says with a genuine smile that lets me know that I'm not being arrested or dishonorably discharged. But I can't look him in the eye after that. Because of who they were. And what they did.

"I ask permission to search their rooms." I ask, staring at his eyebrows so I seem more confident than I feel and don't have to see his eyes.

"Permission granted." He says and I let go of Levi's hand and start walking away, only to be stopped by Erwin's voice. 

"Eren, you need to get taken care of . And probably shower." He says and I look down at myself. I have so much blood all around me. Reiner's blood, Bert's blood, Connie's and Marco's blood.

And suddenly it's hard to breathe.

I practically sprint to the empty showers, stripping as quickly as I can and leaving my makeshift arm wrap on. I scrub and I scrub, but it just doesn't go away. I don't even notice the door opening until someone grabs my hand with the soap. I turn to see Armin, sad look on his face as he extends his other arm to me. And I just fall into his arms. Both from exhaustion and crying. Because, honestly, I'm tired. I'm so tired.

He picks me up and carries me over to the towel stand and wraps one around me before picking me up again and carrying me to the infirmary. If it were anyone but Armin carrying me butt naked, I know I would break down, but Armin is kind and good and he's not trying to hurt me. He's trying to help me. Even so, I have to remind myself of that as I draw my legs to my chest.

We're met there by Mobilt and Hanji and I start crying all over again. Armin sits me down at a bed and they get to work on my arm, unfazed by the fact I'm only wrapped in a towel and sobbing. That's when Jean storms in and I don't think it would get any worse.

"Tell me it isn't true." He demands and Hanji straightens up.

"Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave." She says, but Jean stays persistent.

"Tell me Marco isn't dead!" He yells and Armin's eyes widen. _He doesn't know._ Hanji tries to to push him out, having an argument loud enough for the whole hall to heard.

"You need to go."

"Not until she tells me..."

"She has had a long day and..."

"I don't care, I need to talk to Eren."

"Leave her alone."

"I need to talk to her about Marco."

"He's dead." I say just above a whisper, but it makes everyone look at me.

"Pardon?" Hanji ask gently, but my eyes still fall.

"Reiner Braun, Bert Hoover, Connie Springer, and Marco Bott all died in the line of service today." I say and the room falls silent. It might not be much, but two of them deserve a moment of silence. Jean starts hyperventilating after a moment and I look up at him.

"Did anyone see him die? Do we know the person who did it?" He asks and my voice is so dark, even in my female voice, that I barely recognize it.

"I could think of two." I say and the silence returns as everyone collects their thoughts.

"Eren? Who were the spies?" Armin asks softly, as if scared I'll break. And I honestly don't blame him. I'm far past breaking.

"Bert and Reiner. They..." I can't finish. I can't tell them that Reiner killed the other two. That would hurt even more than just know they're dead. Than Jean knowing Marco is dead. So, I leave it vague, knowing he'd find out later down the road, but for today, it's one blow at a time.

I laughed bitterly at myself. Funny how I'm trying to protect Jean, of all people. I would've protected Reiner and Bert much more willingly if this was yesterday. It's funny how life changes. Everyone's looking at me like I'm crazy and I don't blame them. I'm covered in diluted blood and laughing. I end it with a cold laugh and look up to Armin as Hanji gently moves my towel to examine my body.

"They knew. They knew I'm a girl. They knew who my dad is. I met my dad. So that's great. He shot Bert, then let me go. I don't understand." I say and by the end, I'm frowning again and his eyes widen. I'm interrupted from thoughts as Hanji cautiously calls for me.

"Why are there nail marks on your breasts?" She ask and a whole other storm of tears flood over. I can't stop them. Armin sits down next to me and holds my hand as Jean moves over and sits next to him. Mobilt finishes my arm and moves to my cheek, stitching up my reopened wound as Hanji covers me again, wrapping the towel around my breasts and everything below.

My eyes clear up enough for me to notice there's someone else in the room. Levi. He sits shirtless in a wheelchair, pushing himself over to me where I sit stark naked except for the towel and crying. Mobilt moves out of the way so that Levi can wheel himself right in front of me. He doesn't say anything, stays quiet and takes hold of my free hand. He runs circles into it with his thumb, trying to calm me, but I can't help but stare at his side. He's lucky it was a clean shot or else it would look a lot worse. But it's still big and still a bit bloody and even all stitched up, it'd make me cry if I wasn't already.

"I'm sorry." I sob and he shushes me.

"None of this is your fault." He says with such honesty I almost smile. He stands up, ignoring Hanji's protests, and wraps his arm around my waist as Mobilt finishes, but I shake my head and tap him so i can push him away without hurting him. He sits back down as I stand up and walk to the sink, making almost the whole room gasp. Hanji walks up to me as I turn back to them and wraps her arms around me, making me shove her away.

"What?" I snap and she looks at me sadly and for moment. I'm scared I offended her until she points back to where I was sitting to where a small puddle of blood sits. I look behind me and see that I was bleeding through my towel still around my waist and I know this wasn't because of my period. With all the pain all throughout my body, I hadn't even noticed that there had been damage down there.

I turn back around and grip the sink to keep me standing upright as everything once again hits me, overwhelming me. I'm caught between wanting to pass out and punch a wall at the same time. My head is throbbing harder than the rest of my body and I find myself thankful as Levi rolls up next to me, holding a blanket from the bed.

I take it from him and wrap myself in it before carefully settling in his lap. He wraps his arms around me in a way the protective as opposed to violent and I start to cry again. The door clicks shut and I know we're alone as I hide my face in his neck, deciding there's no other place I'd rather be than safe in his arms where I won't get hurt.

"It's okay." He whispers in my ear and I shake my head.

"No, it isn't okay." I say and he sighs and barely tightens his grip.

"I know." He says sadly and I cry as he covers my knees with the blanket that had started to fall and I wish it could've all just been a bad nightmare. I sob and curl up, careful not to hurt him as I pull myself as close as I can to him.

"Why, Levi? Why did they..."

"Shh. Not now. Just try to relax." He says and I scowl.

"How do you expect me to relax?" I ask angrily and kisses my hand while my face is still shoved in the crook of his neck.

"I don't. I said try. Eventually, you'll sleep." He says and I can't stop the chuckle that comes out despite everything.

"How sad." I say and pull back to see his face. He smiles painfully and presses his forehead to mine.

"Well, I know I can't help you right now, so that's the only constellation I can give you." He says and his hand finds its way to my dripping wet hair and he runs his fingers through it. I close my eyes and sigh.

"I'm sorry I snapped." I say and he shushes me.

"Don't be. Anyone would be a bit uneasy after what you saw and... went through. Even if we don't know exactly what that is." He says and I realize I've given him almost no explanations to anything. But the last thing I need is to think about it.

"I need to shower. I feel disgusting." I say and he sighs.

"You're not disgusting." He says and I open my eyes into his concerned ones.

"I'm covered in blood, of course I am." I say and now he just looks confused.

"Other than... your wounds, you don't have blood on you." He says and I look down to see that he's right. My skin is rather raw, but the blood I thought was still coating my skin is gone. I look up to Levi to see the worried look on his face. He starts to roll us towards the bed and I get off of him so he doesn't have to strain to lift me. He stands up with me and kisses my forehead before sitting back down.

"I'm gonna get Hanji to help you with that." He says and starts to roll away, but I feel myself panic a bit.

"Wait." I call and he glances back at me, waiting for me to continue. "Can you come with her and just not look or something?" I say before I really think about what I'm saying. I close my eyes in embarrassment. "Sorry, that's stupid, just forget I..."

"It's fine, Eren." He says and I don't realize he was in front of me until I feel his arms loosely around my waist, making me open my eyes and jump a bit until I see it's for sure him. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm just gonna grab Hanji then I'll be right back, okay?" He says and I smile to him. He's trying so hard for me and I can't help but be relieved by it, if only just a little. That he's still here for me after everything. I take his face in my hands and his eyebrows furrow in confusion.

"I love you so much." I say and he smiles and breathes out a short laugh.

"I love you too." He says and I pull his face down a bit to press my lips it his. It's nothing but lips moving softy against each others, barely touching, but it's exactly what I need. He lets me control the pace, lets me just taste him against my lips and feel his heart beating against my chest and it's enough. Just knowing he's there and he's not going to hurt me. I'm safe with him.

After what probably ends up being a couple of minutes, I pull away and we're both panting and out of breath. He pecks my lips one more time before before turning to sit in his chair, but stopping when at the same time I hear another voice in the room. "God, I was wondering if you two would ever stop." Hanji says with a laugh and Levi groans.

"Dammit Hanji, don't just watch people without them knowing. That's called stalking." He says and I look over to the door where Hanji just shrugs.

"I was coming in to see if I was okay to work with her and you were making out. Now would you please sit back down? You may be on pain meds, but you're not invincible. For fucks sake, you got shot today." She says and crosses the room with her hands on her hips and Levi lifts his hands in defeat and sits down next to me instead of on his chair. He turns so his back is towards me and I grab his hand. He squeezes it as Hanji spreads my legs open and I pass out.


	28. Point of View

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are a lot of things I could say about this chapter, but the main one is I wanted to show you some things Levi is going through on the side and I wanted to show you what Eren's breakdowns look like from an outside source. Plus it's not one of my fics if I don't switch the POV just once. Also, don't blame Sasha. Part of grief is point blame. Keep faith for Erwin too. He's just being an ass right now, but he has reasons. Maybe I'll do another Levi POV chapter later. Anyways, enjoy!

Levi's POV

 

Hanji examines Eren while her head lays in my lap, looking the most peaceful I've seen in weeks. She's probably too worn out to even dream right now. That's good. She doesn't need the nightmares. I refuse to look at anything but her face because that's all I really should look at. I haven't seen her body before and I don't have her permission, so I don't have the right. Although, I think she may have had that right stolen from her today.

It's funny how everything changes so fast. You go from holding the boy you love in your arms just a night before to having their head passed out in your lap. As a girl. Of all the thing I thought her secret was, I completely overlooked that one. And considering last night alone, that was pretty stupid of me. I'm glad I said what I did or else it would've been a lot more awkward. Hell, somehow I'm not even that surprised. I was actually a little scared that she had flat out lied to me or something, but she didn't really. She's still everything I fell for.

"Levi?" Hanji starts quietly and I nod to let her know I'm listening. "She was penetrated, but it wasn't by their... ding dong. It almost seems like it's a nail mark." She says and I gulp.

"Oh... okay." I say, not knowing what else to say. What she's been through in the last twenty-four hours is more than anyone should go through in their lives. I don't even realize I'm crying until a tear drips onto her cheek and I cover my face with my arm.

"Is the pain medicine waring off?" Hanji asks and I shake my head. She comes over to me and gently moves Eren before wrapping her arms around my neck and holding me. "I'm sorry." She says and I push my eyes into her shoulder, making her shirt wet but not really caring.

"Why her? Why does it have to be to her?" I ask quietly enough that it won't wake Eren up and Hanji sighs.

"I don't know. It's not fair." She says and I nods. She was just getting to the point of being okay and now she has to deal with this. Her mom dying along with two of her teammates, killing someone she thought was her friend, then be sexually assaulted. And she deserves none of it. If there's anyone in the world that should never experience pain, it's her.

Knowing all that she went through and knowing she wants me to hold her after being held against her will... it's sobering. She's been through hell and back and still tells me she needs me like I need her. I pull away from Hanji as I calm down and look down at Eren's face, seemingly twitching as she wakes up. She doesn't open her eyes before sitting up quickly, almost hitting me in the nose, and screaming. Hanji moves to grab her arms and hold her down only to be punched in the face by a not-fully-conscious Eren. She opens her eyes and I watch as he eyes go from dilated to normal. Once she seems fully aware, she looks at Hanji with wide eyes.

"Fuck, I'm so sorry." She says as Hanji grips her cheek. She smiles painfully as Eren throws her arms around her. Hanji returns the hug with both arms and I know the pain on her face isn't because of the punch. She knows what Eren is going through. Hanji soon backs away from the hug to go get a tee shirt and underwear from a closet. After hugging Eren and I again, she leaves the room. I turn away as Eren stands and puts the clothes on. When she sits back down, she takes my hands and I look at her. Her eyes don't meet mine as she gets up and lowers herself gently into my lap, resting her head on my shoulder as she starts shaking a bit, keeping both of my hands between us, as if she's still scared, even with me. Although it is understandable, it doesn't make it hurt any less. Not even because she's pushing me away. It's because she feels like she has to when just last night, I held her so tightly. It hurts because she feels as though she can't trust anyone.

I press my lips to her shoulder so they're just barely there, not knowing what else to do. I have no idea what Farlan must be doing right now. I push that thought away for now. He was the only one allowed in the room to see her. Hanji said she would probably panic with more than one person in there and above all, she needs Farlan. So, I focus on the girl who somehow needs me as much as I need her.

"You okay?" I ask stupidly and she shakes her head.

"No, Levi. I'm not okay." She says and hides her face in my neck more. "God, I don't... I just don't..." She stops herself and looks up at me. "I don't know what to do." She says as if it's some awful realization. Her eyes are wide and her breaths are shallow.

"You don't have to. We have time to figure this out." I try, but she shakes her head.

"No we don't. We don't have time at all. We need to do something and fast or else..." She trails off and I notice the blank look on her face, as if a robot had been turned off. The only way I would know for sure it wasn't for her heartbeat against the back of my hand and the tears rolling down her face. I want to wipe them away, but moving right now might be the worst thing. She's broken. She's so broken and as much as I want to, I can't fix her. She brings both of our hands to her face to shield herself as she start to sob, wetting our skin.

She then leans her forehead against mine and I can feel her shiver violently. She leans so close that our lips brush as she talks, as if she _needs_ the proximity. "Levi, what if they hurt you again?" She says and I find myself shocked that in this moment, she could actually think of me over herself. I smile a bit as I slip my hands out of hers and put them on her shoulders, rubbing them soothingly. 

"It doesn't matter, Eren. I don't matter." I say honestly. I know how bad that sounds, but that's the fate I accepted when I joined the military. It didn't change until I met her. And now, I'd gladly die for her. Her eyebrows furrow in anger.

"Yes, you do! Don't say that!" She yells at me and I shrug. 

"As long as they don't hurt you." I say and she just stares at me for a moment before shaking her head.

"Dammit Levi, you don't get it." She says and I find myself confused, but she continues. "They couldn't hurt me more than if they hurt you." She says and her eyes fall and I sit for a moment in shock. It's not as though I didn't know she loved me, but to have her say something like that out loud shows just how much she means it. Especially considering she wouldn't even talk to me in fear of getting me hurt. I notice her gaze is fixed on my side with the shot and before I can say anything, the door bursts open.

"Sasha, stop!" Mikasa yells as she's dragged into the room. The girl who must be Sasha is sobbing with hysterical anger as she's followed in by multiple people. Two of them don't leave the doorway, but Mikasa, her girlfriend, and Sasha come in. Sasha comes up and tackles Eren, pushing her out of my grip and back onto the bed.

"Why didn't you stop them?! Why did you let Connie die?!" She yells and in that moment, I'm joining Mikasa in pulling the girl off of Eren. Even stares at Sasha with wide eyes and doesn't move. She doesn't even look able to move, paralyzed in pain. It's something that almost has me crying again I yank at the girl's arm. "Why did you kill him?!" She yells and Eren's eyes close as tears start pouring out, but she still lies motionless. Sasha continues her screaming and I curse this gunshot wound and these pain meds for taking away any ability I have to stop her. Everyone is yelling and screaming, even Armin and Jean as they come over to help. But then, Eren's eyes open and with almost no effort, she flips them. Sasha stares with terrified eyes as the room falls suddenly silent. And I mean silent. She holds Sasha's arms above her head and she startles her waist, not putting all of her weight down so she can stay balanced. It's shocking as she closes her eyes and lets her head hang in the air. Tears trickle down to Sasha's face as she takes a soft breath. 

"I'm sorry." Is all she says before she gets up, leaves the room, and slams the door. We all stay in motionless silence as Sasha slowly comes back to life. She sits up and all anger fades away and she's left with a painfully obvious emptiness. I pat her shoulder as Mikasa sits next to her and takes her hand. Armin walks up to me and grabs my arm, pulling me to the side.

"Do you know what happened during the mission?" He asks and I shake my head. 

"Not in detail, no. She wouldn't let us see what happened to them." I say and he nods.

"I have a feeling it was worse than she's letting on. Though, this is Eren, so that's not saying much." He thinks out loud and I look to the door, now closed and wonder just what exactly she went through back there. Armin squeezes my shoulders and I look down to see her sad smile. "I'd be surprised if she went far. Probably in your room." He says and I sigh. 

"Shouldn't you be the one to help her? You're her best friend." I ask and he smiles.

"I may be her best friend, but you're her rock. And the more I see you look at her, the more I see she's yours too." He says and looks to the side. "The boy who's been my rock is falling apart, and as painful as it might be, I have to be his now." He says and I realize he's looking at Jean, now on the other side of Sasha, crying with her and I realize he loves someone who loves someone else. And has lost them. I look back to him and see the pain in his face and know he's not going to try anything. He really just wants to be a friend to the man he loves. And suddenly I have a newer respect for Armin, willingly putting himself last in this scenario. It's obvious he's hurting for so many reasons, but he still knows what he has to do.

"You're a good guy, Armin." I say and he turns to me in surprise for a moment before smiling. 

"You too, Levi." He says and nods to the door. "She needs you right now." He says and I return the smile to him before taking my exit. I leave the room and hurry down the hall before I run into a glaring Erwin.

"Why aren't you in a chair?" He asks and I roll my eyes.

"I'm trying to find Eren." I say and he sighs.

"Levi, sit down." He says and points to a bench next against the wall. I try to push past him, but he grabs my arm. "Please. You have to." He says uncharacteristically weakly and I sigh. 

"I don't have to listen to you." I say. Ever since my argument with him in Eren's room, I've been short with him, but it's not just that. It's that he didn't tell me Eren was a girl, the fact that he's said nothing about Isabel's kidnapping yet or the trauma she's went through because he was more worried about Historia who wasn't even hurt, and the fact he left it to Gunther, Eld, and Oluo to tell the partners or the deceased that they're significant other is dead.

"Yes, you technically do. I'm your boss." He says and I grit my teeth as I glare up at him. 

"Fine." I say and sit down. He sits down next to me and sighs. 

"So, how is everything?" He asks and I stare at him in disbelief.

"I got shot and my girlfriend is on the verge of an emotional breakdown. Actually, no, she's having an emotional breakdown and you want to sit around and catch up?" I spit and he sighs.

"I just feel like we should talk about everything that's been happening." He says and I turn to him, ignoring the way my stomach turns. 

"Well, then care to explain why Hanji is working again? Didn't you insist when you won the election that you wanted to support her?" I ask and he looks down.

"Yes. Originally, she just wanted to work with Eren as her patient. But, I recently found out she was working behind my back. That she knew Eren was a girl and didn't tell me." He says and my eyebrows furrow.

"You literally did the same thing to both of us. And she had a good reason not to tell. What about you?" I ask and he ignores my last question.

"So, we decided we should go on a break. I don't want to be with someone who I can't trust and she had some strong words to say as well." He says and my jaw drops.

" _You're_ leaving _her_?" I practically yell and he shrugs.

"I'm not sure yet." He says and now I'm getting up to leave, but before I do, I turn back to him.

"Then do it. She deserves better than you if you're actually thinking about leaving her after all of this time." I say before walking away, not looking back to see if he's at all affected. I try to forget about him as I keep walking. The thought that he'd leave Hanji after all of this time is sickening.

I turn a corner to see the very person I'm looking for sitting wish her arms wrapped around her knees, head hanging between her arms. I sigh when I realize she was out of earshot so she didn't hear the argument. She doesn't need to be bothered with that right now. I kneel in front of her and she jumps, head lifting and I can see the knife mark prominently, brought out by the salty water dripping from her eyes. It actually looks horribly painful, but it doesn't seem to be the reason she's in pain. She sighs and closes those big blue eyes that I've grown so fond of. 

"I should've ran faster. I should've at least tried to save them, but there was _so much_ blood, Levi." She says and swallows roughly. I take her head in my hands and lean my forehead to hers as she cries.

"Hey, that wasn't your fault." I say and she sighs.

"You don't even know. You weren't there." She says with a plain face, but everyone of her words is bursting with meaning. "Connie was already dead, but Marco... oh god... why didn't I get there earlier? I could've saved them." She says and the tears pour from her eyes in a much heavier way and I feel my heart break just a bit more with every word. Marco was alive when she found him and she blames herself for this. I open my mouth to say something, but she shakes her head.

"I'm tired of talking. Please just lay with me." She says and I nearly cringe at the state of the floors, but she needs me more that I need to be clean right now. I sit down completely and she falls onto me, her legs draped awkwardly to either side of me, but she doesn't seem to care. No, her storm of tears starts to calm again as she pushes me back enough to lay on me. She finds one of my hands and pulls it close to her cheek as if my arm is a stuffed animal and I would've laughed if i didn't feel her thumb lightly touching my pulse, literally checking if I'm alive. And I don't even hold back the silent tears that come with that, letting myself express just that much sadness at the loss of security. It doesn't take long for her to fall asleep (or pass out; I can't be sure) on my chest as pain starts to seep into my side. I laugh sadly when I realize she's laying on every part of me except my gun wound. She really is awesome, and I mean that in the most literal sense of the term. I run my fingers through her hair as her breathing softens and the pain in my side becomes too overwhelming to stay awake, so I join her in what it hopefully peace.

 


	29. Losing Wind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's progress, I guess. This chapter is both sad and happy, but she's making small improvements. Plus, a relocation that makes me rather happy. Anyways, enjoy!
> 
> TRIGGERS: Nightmares, self-blame, pushing people away

I remember the first time I got the wind knocked out of me.

I had gotten tackled by their main defensive lineman. I hit the ground with a thud and suddenly couldn't breathe. That's the first time I even really thought about the danger I was putting myself in. How maybe I could've already taken my last eased breath.

That's what waking up feels like now.

I scream at the nightmare that I wakeup from, only realizing that I'm safe when there's a soothing voice in my ear. "It's okay, Eren." It says. I wish I believed it. It sounds so sincere. 

I open my eyes and squint at the fluorescent light shining from the ceiling. My throat is raw and my body is shaking, but it's like I have no control. I scream and I shout because I don't fully believe that everything's okay. The phantoms from my nightmares follow me, clinging to my back like a leech, taking the life from me while I stand in danger of death.

"Calm down, it's okay." The voice says and I turn to it and instantly stop screaming as I realize who it is. _It's Levi. Levi won't hurt me. I'm safe with Levi._ My mind finds my body as I take in what exactly is happening. I'm on the floor and Levi has his arms around my waist, one on my cheek, rubbing shapes into it. Why are we on the floor? I look around and notice that we aren't alone. Historia sits calmly next to us along with Ymir, leaning against each other. Historia smiles sadly and Ymir frowns with no attempt to hide it. I try to think clearly, but nothing fully registers. I know what I dreamed about, but why do they look so sad? And how the hell did I get Levi to agree laying shirtless on the floor? Shirtless with a long black stitch and...

"Did that... are they... did it really..." I can't formulate words. I had almost thought it was a bad dream, but now I'm awake and he's still shot. I also notice the enormous amount of pain my body is in. His hold softens as he moves so he's in front of me.

"Yeah, it did happen. But everything is okay now." He says and everything just hits me all over again. That actually happened. It hurts and it's real and they're dead and it's all my fault. And suddenly I'm holding back the urge to scream again. I swallow thickly as Ymir and Historia move closer to me and I flinch. They stop as I try to regain composure that I don't have. Historia reaches her hand out to me innocently and I actually smile at that. Despite everything, I'm glad she came out unharmed. I grab her hand and Ymir smiles at me as well. It's a smile I can't return though because I can't manage to smile. I used the only smile I have to offer right now. 

A new voice makes me jump, despite how soft it is. "You're awake." Isabel says and I think that's the only way I fully make it to my feet. I shoot to my feet and walk up to her, pulling her into my arms. Her already tense body relaxes in my arms. Her breaths are heavy and I lift my head to see Farlan standing behind with wide eyes and a large grin. This must be progress or something because she's writhing and that doesn't seem too good. It seems as if everyone is too scared to state the elephant in the room and I'm looking at the wall, unaware that it's even there. She pulls away and looks at the shot in my arm before looking at my face, hands hovering above them all. 

"Are you okay? Does anything hurt? Is there anything I can do or..."

"Calm down, Isabel." I ask softly and she stops. Farlan steps forward and grabs her hand. He looks lovingly at her as she squeezes it. 

"What she's trying to say is thank you. You were the one that saved her from that and we're both really thankful." He says and my eyebrows furrow.

"You saved me." Isabel says and I gulp.

"I didn't save you. Somebody else would've if I didn't." I say and she seems confused and I literally jump when someone stands next to me. Historia stands next to me with a similar look on her face. 

"Yes, you did Eren. You saved us. If it we're for you, Reiner would've killed all of us." She says and I think I stop breathing at that. 

"But... He..." I can't seem to form the words that are going through my head. He did kill people and I couldn't save them. I couldn't save them. Isn't that as bad as killing them in the first place? He killed Connie and Marco and Mom. I killed them. Shake my head and back up until I'm suddenly tumbling backwards. Levi catches me before I can hit the floor and he pulls me into his chest. He moves us upright and holds me close.

"You didn't do it, Eren. It wasn't you." He says and I just start wailing as he voices his thoughts in complete opposition to mine. I pound on my head with closed fists and shout into his chest. 

"Yes I did! It was me! Why did he do it?! Why couldn't I save them?!" I scream loudly. He closes his hands around my wrists and holds them behind my back. He's gentle as he takes both of them in one hand and uses his other hand to pull me closer as I sob. He shushes me and tells me sweet lies that it wasn't my fault, but I can't help but feel that he's lying. I push away from him and turn to a group of shocked faces. I push through them and go back to my room, but after about half a minute of walking, I realize that not only do I have no idea where I'm going, but someones behind me. I turn around to see Levi standing there. I raise an eyebrow to him and he shrugs before walking up to me and taking my hand. 

"So, where are we going?" He asks and I sigh.

"Why do you keep chasing after me?" I ask, and I don't only mean literally. He's always waiting for me and I don't really understand why. He's patient and kind and all sorts of wonderful that I'll never be able to be enough for him. He has a soft look on his face when he turns to me.

"Because you keep running from me." He says and I look down.

"Where's my room?" I ask and he pauses before sighing and walking in front of me, pulling me along by hand. When we get to my room, I'm relieved to see that it's empty. I don't want to deal with anyone right now. I just want Levi and to relax, but that doesn't seem possible anymore. We sit in tense silence on the bed for a few minutes before he turns to me. 

"Why do you think you did it?" He asks and I can't even look him in the eyes.

"I couldn't stop him. When I got there, Connie and Marco were basically dead." 

"Then I killed them too." He says and my head darts up to him. 

"How was it your fault? You did nothing?" I all but yell at him and he nods.

"Exactly. And neither did you." He says and I suddenly feel stupid. I glare at him and he smirks. 

"It's not that simple." I say and turn away from him. He sighs and wraps his arms around my waist.

"Then what makes it not simple?" He asks and I groan.

"Why do you keep trying?" I rephrase my earlier question and he rests his head on the back of mine.

"Why are you only questioning this now?" He asks and I pause at that. This has seemed so right before and although it still feels natural, I can't help but question him now. 

"It just seems like everything changed and shouldn't that include you?" I ask quietly, thinking out loud and he kisses my neck.

"I'm not going anywhere, Eren. Not unless you really want me to and I don't think you do. Nothing between you and me has changed except I have a girlfriend as opposed to a boyfriend." He says with a chuckle and I turn around to face him.

"So, you're really okay with the fact I'm a girl?" I ask and he nods.

"I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm in love with Eren Jaeger, not the body I thought you had. _You_." He says and leans his forehead on mine. "I love it when you laugh, I love it when you squeak when you yawn, I don't love it when you cry, but I love that you're honest when you do. I love that you don't hide you're emotions and I love how thoughtful you are. You need to see how good you are. And that you didn't hurt anyone. Just the fact that you're hurting so much shows that you didn't do it." He says and I sigh.

"I just wish I could've saved them." I say and he puts his hands on either one of my cheeks and tilts my head up to him.

"I know, but look at all of the people who you did save. Isabel and Historia alright and even though you did kill Reiner, it was the lesser of two evils. It was him or you and everyone else." He says.

"Maybe you're right." I murmur and he smirks.

"I'm glad you're seeing that now." He says and I swat his arm, making him laugh. We both calm down and he looks down at me with a look on his face that makes my face heat up more than I ever thought it could from just a look. Before I can tease him about it or get him to stop, he kisses me sweetly. When he pulls away, I'm a little bit breathless. After what feel like ages since our first kiss, it still makes me feel as though I lose wind in the best of ways. I open my eyes I didn't even realize closed and look at him.

"I'm sorry if I run from you. I don't mean to, I just feel like you deserve better than me." I says and he shakes my head.

"There is no better for me than you." He says and smiles to me. 

"I love you." I whisper to him and he closes his eyes.

"I love you, too. I always will." He says and I close my eyes too and I don't know how long we sit here with our foreheads touching and eyes closed, but I know it's awhile, because Hanji seems a bit panicked when she barges in.

"I've been looking for you two everywhere!" She says and Levi sigh.

"You really like to interrupt us, don't you?" He snaps venomously and I giggle and look over to Hanji who looks happily surprised to see me smiling. I guess this is the most calm I've been since yesterday. I'm actually surprised, but when it comes to Levi, I really shouldn't be that surprised. She walks in the room and closes the door.

"With everything I've been hearing, I thought I'd walk in to a panic attack or something." She says and I scratch the back of my head.

"Sorry, I'm not very good at handling this." I say and she shakes her head.

"Trust me, dear, I've seen worse." She says and walks up to a chair by the bed. "So, I came to talk to you about where you go after here." She says and I jolt.

"I'm not going back to that room." I demand and she nods.

"I did't plan on making you. I just wanted to ask if you planned to find a house for yourself or get another room here." She says and I pause. Ever since graduation, I have been getting a decent pay. Plus, although I hate to think about it, I have my mom's inheritance, including her apartment, although I don't think I could live there after all this.

"I guess I haven't put much thought into it." I says and she nods.

"I mean, it's probably still a lot to process, but in a few days, you'll probably be free to go. Your injuries are bad, but not fatal like your concussion could've been." She says and I nod. "There's also one other option." She says with a smirk that isn't directed towards me. I turn towards Levi to see one of his rare blushes.

"I've planning on asking you since everything two days ago, I guess it just seems like it would make sense for you to move in with me." He says and he must see the shocked look on my face, because he starts stammering. "I'm not implying anything further than everything this far, it's just I love you and it just seems like we end up sleeping together most nights. Wait, that came out wrong. I mean..." He shuts up when I grab his hand and lace it in mine.

"That actually sounds really nice." I say and he smiles and I know his intentions are pure. He's not gonna push me or hurt me. For some reason, he wants me and lord knows I love him. Besides, thinking it through, it does make sense, but this is implying something that we haven't really talked about before. Permanent. Like, this isn't gonna change. He wants me to move in with him. My heart is beating like a teenaged idiot at the thought and it's so stupid. His face is tender and a bit relieved as he sighs and squeezes my hand. 

"Then it's settled. You'll move in with Levi when you're discharged." Hanji says and stands up. "Now, I'm leaving because your couple-iness is disgusting." She says with a laugh as she stands up and turns to leave, but she stops at the door. "Levi?" She asks and he hums as he turns to face her. "Have you talked to Erwin?" She asks and bites her lips, making me a bit worried as he sighs.

"Yeah. I did." He says and stands up, crossing the room to her. I sit and watch, trying not to completely intrude on the situation.

"Does he really not get it? I was just trying to do what was right. And he did the same thing!" She says and he nods.

"I think there's something weird with him. You don't deserve that." He says and she wraps her arms around his neck and he hesitantly hugs her back. When she pulls away, her eyes look a bit too red. 

"I'm gonna talk to Petra. I'll see you later." She says and he waves to her as she rushes out of the room and I can't help the pull of my heart as I hear a sniffle before the door closes. Levi walks back over and stands in front of me.

"What was that about?" I ask and he sighs.

"They're just at a rough patch. It'll be okay." He says, but I can tell even he's a bit unsure as he moves to sit next me me. I lay my head on his shoulder and hold his hand.

"I'm sorry." I say and lets out a sad chuckle.

"Thanks." He says and kisses my forehead. I guess that's one thing that always seems to work for us. We understand each other. We just fit well together. Despite everything that's been happening, he can keeps me in balance. And from the way he clings to my hand, I think I might do the same. I hope so. I hope I help him in some way, because I'm not going anywhere. I don't know why I keep trying. Maybe I can slow down and just try to be okay with him. Maybe we can be okay together.

It's like the moment after you lose wind and you can breathe again, knowing you're safe from harm, if only for now. If nothing else, you can live to see another sunrise. And the sunrise is exactly what I need. It's where I am now with the man I love and a promise for tomorrow with him. It's a new start: a new dawn. 

And now, this is the moment I can breathe again. Raggedly and harshly, but it's breathing nonetheless. 


	30. Chance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS A GOOD ONE DIRECTION SONG SUE ME. Look it up. If I Could Fly- One Direction
> 
> So, this is a long, slightly fluffy chapter you all deserve. And just so you know, I'm not making everything suddenly perfect. This isn't the end of Eren and Levi's emotional problems, this is just a good day. Also, I wanted to lightly brush upon a subject that will probably come up later. The problems aren't gone, just relaxed for the day I guess. Also, this is a pretty long chapter and believe it or not, I'm building to something. 
> 
> Anyways, enough about that and onto an apology for taking for-fucking-ever to post. Basketball is starting and sleep is actually necessary right now. (Go figure!) So, here you go! Enjoy!

It takes a lot of time to get to a point where the pain isn't mind-numbing. Same for Levi. He had trouble walking when he started getting weaned off of the pain meds. He finally allowed himself to swallow his pride and sit in the wheelchair. He's trying to hide his pain, but he got shot for christ's sake, of course it's gonna hurt. He's getting better though, to the point where walking is okay for awhile, but he will sit back down on the chair after while of walking.

My problem isn't as much the injuries. Sure, my arm and face and female parts hurt, but that's not the worst of it. No, it's the constant struggle to tell myself that I'm not the reason any of this happened. Because I'm decently sure that's a lie and a half. Just considering that my father was somehow involved, I don't know, it seems odd.

I try to keep it together. There's no way we can stop them if I'm caught up in this. It's does hurt though. The image of Marco's and Connie's faces haunt me and choke me, making progress hard. But I try. I have to try.

Mikasa, Isabel, Farlan, and Armin stay with me a lot too. Jean and Annie come too, eventually followed by Ymir and Historia who are still a bit uncomfortable with the others.

Sasha, who still hasn't made direct eye contact with me since she tackled me, comes too with a quiet, but honest applology which I accepted. Everyone is still a bit tense, but we all have our burdens to bare. 

Another thing I recently found out is that Isabel and Farlan are moving in together. They're finally getting their apartment together as soon as Isabel is completely free to go. She seems hopeful about it, so I'm happy for her. She deserves to be with Farlan after all of this time.

They're sitting across the room from us right now while Armin and Jean sit on the floor, hand in hand, but I know not to think anything of it. Armin is being very careful around Jean right now. He doesn't want to push him into anything and he certainly doesn't want to be a rebound.

Mikasa and Annie are getting closer as well. I've noticed that Sasha almost seems a bit lonely next to them and I guess I don't blame her. She lost Connie and Mikasa is hanging out more with Annie that her. I mean, Mikasa is also dealing with our mom's death, but I feel bad for Sasha. At least she's becoming closer to Ymir and Historia. 

My head lays on Levi's shoulder right now as he lays in my bed. Well, our bed. He basically ended up moving into my room which is kind of nice. I noticed a lot of my nightmares involve losing him, so waking up to his pulse in my ear is calming. I've woken up on more than one occasion to him lying awake next to me, just staring at the ceiling, either just thinking or crying or surprisingly, sometimes singing. I really like waking up to his singing. Next to his laugh, it's probably my favorite sound. The sound of said laugh brings me to reality and I realize I've been staring at him as he talks animatedly with Farlan. Well, I wouldn't say animatedly. But he's smiling, so that's something. 

This is a slightly calmer day. Everyone is getting ready to be discharged and work their way back into training. Oluo and Petra will be leading the plan meetings while Eld, Gunter, and I work the physical training. We're making the team bigger soon then expanding into the full military for a full-on war. Erwin decided we can't wait anymore, so it's happening in two months. For some reason though, instead of dread, I feel hopeful. Hopeful to avenge the dead and right the wrongs that have been done. That starts in two weeks and Levi and I get discharged tomorrow, so we have some downtime. It's weird to think I'm going to be living in his house when I've never even been there before, but I am. 

"Hey, Eren?" Jean asks from across the room. I hum and turn to him to see a pretty genuine smile that really helps the light atmosphere. "When are we gonna see you dressed up like a girl? We've only seen you wear sweatpants and I'm getting curious." He says and I laugh.

"Maybe soon. I don't remember much about getting dolled up. I don't even have my own bra anymore." I say and it kind of hurts to think out loud. I don't know, I just don't like to think I've completely lost that part of me because lord knows I feel that way.

"Well, we can always help you." Armin says and Isabel straightens up.

"Oh _hell_ no. She said I could be the first one to do her makeup after she told everyone and I intend on doing just that." She says rather passionately and Armin puts his hands up in defeat. 

"Fine, you dress her up for the fucking ball then." He says and the room suddenly falls silent as we all look at him in confusion. His eyebrows furrow. "Did you not know about that? All of you are invited." He says and Farlan shakes his head. 

"Erwin is having a ball? I feel like that's very un-Erwin." He says and Levi sighs.

"Erwin seems very un-Erwin." He says and turns to Armin. "When is that gonna happen?" Levi asks as I lace my hand into his. It's pretty obvious thins Erwin/Hanji thing is getting to him. I mean, I don't blame him. They're his best friends, of course he's a bit upset. 

"Well, before the mission, he wanted a celebration of the progress we've made, but after everything, he decided it was more of a thanks and a celebration of honor." Armin says and I don't miss how the room tenses slightly at the mention of the mission. For of us were there and the two that weren't were greatly affected by it. I press past the tense air as best I can.

"That's kind of a shit reason." I say and Armin nods.

"Yeah, but Erwin is dead-set on having it." He says and Levi sighs.

"Well, then he probably has a reason for it." Levi ponders and shrugs. "Doesn't matter though, we're all stuck with it." He says and Farlan shrugs.

"I mean, it'll be just like prom." He says with a chuckle and Levi groans.

"I'm twenty-five years old, I'm too old for that shit." He says and Isabel laughs.

"Your girlfriend isn't, so your stuck with it." She says and I blush at the mention of the word "girlfriend". It's still weird for me, but I like it.

"You know, I skipped my senior prom. Both years, actually." I confess and Jean, Farlan, and Isabel all gasp and look to Armin who just nods. 

"Why would you do that?" Isabel nearly shrieks and I roll my eyes.

"Because it's not important. I only went to homecoming because I played football, so I kind of had to." I say with a nonchalant shrug. "Plus I don't like the idea of going to a dance in a full length gown just to grind with a guy I didn't know. Like, that's weird." I say and Jean snorts.

"Oh god, I forgot about that." He laughs. "I used to hate that at dances." He says and Levi facepalms.

"Believe me, these things are worse. As soon as speeches are made and cameras leave, it's basically old people dry humping." He says and I nearly gag.

"Ew. Old people." Isabel says and Levi nods his head in understanding.

"Didn't you just say you were too old for that?" Farlan asks and Levi glares at him. 

"Mentally. Mentally too old. Physically, too young, you shit." He says and Farlan just laughs. I notice Jean and Armin are having a conversation of there own as these two continue their banter, Isabel on her phone while I find myself trying to keep up with the conversation while not staring at the man next to me, which has become a rather hard task.

One thing with Levi rooming with me now and never wearing a shirt is that one you get past the gunshot wound, you notice he's fucking jacked. Like, I don't know how I didn't notice it before, but he's very muscular. Luckily not to the point of grossness, but he looks good. And I'm actually starting to feel attracted to him on a more physically level. And I don't really like it.

That's one thing about the mission I don't know what to think of. When Bert assaulted me, he basically called me a whore with absolutely no grounds. I know it shouldn't bother me, but it does. I mean, I've been trying to disregard it for a while now, but especially now that I'm starting to feel these sorts of things for Levi, it feels like he could be right. So, I've just been trying to control myself. What else is there to do? He wouldn't want me like this.

By the end of the day, everybody leaves and it's just Levi and I. His fingers trace my back and I sigh into his chest. We're laid down next to each other and his eyes are closed and his nose is buried in my hair. And it's moments like this I love so much with Levi, just laying next to him with no boundaries. Maybe that's why I accidentally ask the question that's stuck in my mind.

"Am I a whore?" I ask and he pauses his administrations.

"No, of course not." He says and I laugh bitterly.

"You don't even know if I'm a virgin or not." I say.

"I don't need to." He responds and I tilt my head up to see him. "Trust me, just the fact that you've pretended to be a boy for so long says a lot. If you fooled around a lot, shit would've surfaced much quicker. And even if you had, that doesn't make you a whore." He justifies and I sigh.

"I don't know. I just feel... dirty." I admit and he shifts so his face is in front of mine.

"Eren, I know what you're thinking, and that wasn't your fault. It was an awful guy who couldn't keep it in his pants." He says and I nearly cringe at his crude wording. 

"But, I've had urges since then, and it feels weird after that. Like maybe I'm proving his point." I say and Levi's eyebrows furrow in confusion.

"Urges?" He confirms and I flush when I realize what I just admitted. 

"Umm... yeah... umm..." I say, awkwardly lifting a hand to his unclothed torso and his mouth forms an understanding "o". 

"Shit, I'm sorry. If you want, I can put on a shirt or something..."

"No, it's not that." I say and he looks even more confused. "I've dealt with shirtless guys for years and felt nothing, but it's different with you and I don't know why." I say and he actually laughs for a second before regaining his composure.

"Eren, you like me. You've told me you love me and you've never taken into account that that means you've been attracted to me. It's just increased as you've gotten closer to me. I can say the same thing and I can say with confidence that I'm not a whore and neither are you." He say and kisses my nose as he lays his head on mine. "Does that help at all?" He asks and I nod as I close my eyes.

"Yeah, it did." I say and he sighs.

"Good. And know this doesn't change anything. We're still going at your pace." He says and I open my eyes into his calm ones and once again, I speak without thinking.

"You're too good for me." I say and he shakes his head.

"You deserve the best." He says and I roll my eyes. 

"How did I even get you? You're sweet, cute, always say the right thing. It's not fair." I say and he rolls his eyes too.

"I'm not that great." He tries and I laugh.

"You took a bullet for me, you're pretty great." I say and he just shrugs.

"Like I said, you deserve the best." He says and I look down. He sighs and pulls me closer. "As long as I can, I'm gonna fight for you." He says and I don't know why, but it comes out as relieved as it makes me feel. Almost like there's a freedom in saying that. It doesn't make sense to me. I'm still so weak and he's so strong and I'm so dirty and he's so clean. I'm a flicker and he's a flame.

But he wants me. I have to remind myself that he honestly wants me. That he loves me. And although I have no idea why, I know that it's true and I couldn't ask for better if I tried. There's no better than that man loving me.

And I don't know why. Everything sucks right now but he can still make me feel like everything's okay. It's almost as if I'm reliant on him, but I know that's not true. I can still hold my own for the most part. I think. Lately I'm not as sure. 

I know of our circumstances were normal, I wouldn't be, but they're not. I'm still in pieces if I'm being honest with myself. Sometimes I feel dirty, sometimes I feel this is all my fault, sometimes I'm just grief riddened, and sometimes I just want it to end. But when that happens, he's always there, making sure I know it's okay and he's not leaving me. But every time he says that, I'd be lying if I said I believe him. Because we don't really have a say in the matter anymore. How long either of us have can't be determined by us ourselves. Not with the mission coming up. I mean, how can we be sure of anything?

But right now, he's holding me close and one of his arms wraps around my waist as the other finds my face and I fear the day he isn't laying next to me. "I hope so." I say honestly and he kisses my lips. 

"I will. You're moving into my apartment tomorrow, for crying out loud, isn't that commitment for a couple in their 20's?" He kids and I laugh.

"We're not really a typical couple our age. And why do you keep mentioning your age? Big birthday coming up or something?" I joke back and he blushes slightly.

"Twenty-six this month." He says and I gasp. 

"You never told me when your birthday is!" I faux scold and he shrugs.

"You never asked." He says and I thump the back of his head, making him laugh.

"It's December 25th." He says and I pause.

"Is it really that late in the year already?" I ask and he nods. 

"I know, it's crazy." He says and he leans towards me sleepily. I'm about to just give in and let him kiss me when something crosses my mind.

"Christmas." I say and he hums. "Your birthday is Christmas." I say and he chuckles.

"Sharp as ever, Jaeger." He says sarcastically and I blow on his face.

"You're an ass." I retort and he giggles. Like, honest to god giggles and it's adorable.

"You love this ass." He says and I kiss his nose.

"Yes, I really do." I admit and he closes his eyes.

"Good, because you're stuck with me. Plus I need a date to this stupid ball." He says and I nod.

"Yeah, twenty-six is pretty old to still be going alone." I mention nonchalantly and he groans.

"Forget it, I'm going alone because apparently I'm dating a child." He says and I pause at that.

"That's really weird. We're dating." I say and he opens his eyes and looks at me in confusion.

"We've been dating for months." He says and I nod.

"Yeah, but we've never been on a date." I mention and he stops.

"Wow, you're right." He says and closes his eyes. "I have to properly ask you out." He says with a smile that worries me a bit.

"Please done do..."

"Oh, but I must." He says and I groan, but close my eyes anyways.

"If you do something stupid, so god help me, I will..."

"Don't worry. It'll all work out." He says and kisses me softly. "Goodnight, Love." He whispers against my lips and I smile in spite of his cryptic answer.

"Goodnight." I whisper back and let my head fall under his, tucked in his neck as if it's my own to hide in. I mean, he is mine, isn't he? I can't even control my grin at the thought. It still blows my mind that he could want me, knowing everything about me. He knows all of my flaws and insecurities and he still chooses to fall asleep next to me. He knows everything and still calls me clean.

And that's what's so crazy. How he says these things like he's so sure of them. Like nothing bad could happen, but he's not that stupid. Maybe this is his way of telling himself he's gonna be here. I move my head up and kiss his forehead and he hums softly, eyes not opening as he smiles and for some reason, I feel the same. Like I can tell him I'll always be next to him. Because god, I want it more than anything.

A few months ago, my greatest fear was losing people I care about. And now that's happened. And it's hard. I think of them everyday, but I'm making progress. I'm working on living without them and although it hurts, I'm getting to the point where I'm okay. I'm getting there. It's taken me this long to get used to everyone being gone and I still almost cry when an awkward silence isn't filled by laughter caused by Connie or I notice a cheery smile missing from Marco or I go to call my mom to realize I can't. But I'm living. I am. As Levi sighs next to me, I know I am. All of my friend are helping me although none of us are okay. We're working through this together. 

I don't realize I closed my eyes until I hear a soft voice next to me that would be sinful to disturb.

 

_If I could fly_

_I'd be coming right back home to you_

_I think I might give up everything_

_Just ask me to_

_Pay attention I hope that you listen_

_'cause I let my guard down_

_Right now I'm completely defenseless_

_For your eyes only_

_I'll show you my heart_

_For when you're lonely and forget who you are_

_I'm missing half of me when we're apart_

_Now you know me_

_For your eyes only_

_For your eyes only_

 

He sings sweetly, slowly. His voice gives me chills as he expresses with meaning through the intimate words of the song.

 

_I've got scars_

_Even though they can't always be seen_

_And pain gets hard_

_But now you're here and I don't feel a thing_

_Pay attention I hope that you listen_

_'cause I let my guard down_

_Right now I'm completely defenseless_

 

He sings the chorus again and I have a sneaking feeling he knows I'm awake as he runs his hair through my hair.

 

_I can feel your heart inside of mine  
_

_I've been going out of my mind_

_Know that I'm just wasting time_

_And I_

_Hope that you don't run from me_

 

I don't even hold back the sigh at that line because I know it's directed towards me. Because that's Levi's fatal flaw. He's not scared of emotions, he's scared of what causes them. A fear the same as mine. He fears people he cares about leaving him. I blindly search for his hand, linking them together when I find it, as he continues to sing.

 

 

_For your eyes only_

_I'll show you my heart_

_For when you're lonely and forget who you are_

_I'm missing half for me when we're apart_

_Now you know me_

_For your eyes only_

_For your eyes only_

 

He holds me tightly and kisses my forehead, then my cheek, then my lips. He doesn't keep them there for long, but I get the message, because as much as we joke and flirt, we're both fighting. We all try to keep it under wraps when we're all terrified of what's to come. I know if I lost Levi, I would never be okay, but I think this is the first time I've realized that he wouldn't be okay without me. 

My free hand thread into his hair and I allow myself to open my eyes into his ones, staring at me with a look as desperate as a gaze can be. "I'm not running. Don't worry. I'm not leaving you." I say and the tenseness by his eyebrows soften. He lets go of my hand as his comes up to cups my cheek and he looks at me sweetly.

"That's all I could want." He says with a smile as he peaks my lips. _I couldn't go anywhere if I tried._  As he pulls away with his eyes still closed, leaning his forehead on mine, I feel something that I can only describe as okay. Not great, not bad, but okay. Because I have the person I need most holding me in his arms. 

 _Okay. Yeah. We're okay._ I think with a small smile as he sighs against it. He tightens his hold on me as a feel washes over me with something like ease. A certain peace of knowing that at very least, I'm waking up next to him. I'm moving in with him tomorrow. We have a chance. I let that be the last thought that runs through my head as I fall asleep.

_We have a chance._

 

 

 

 

 

 


	31. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eren and I are the same in this chapter. I don't like shopping it all. Or at least not bra shopping. This is besides the point. I wanted a nice, calm chapter to get through some stuff. Btw, when the ball chapter happens, I'm gonna mass post on tumblr all of the dresses and suits for the main characters because it's go big or go home. 
> 
> Anyways, I FINALLY GOT TO WRITE SOME DOMESTIC FLUFF I AM SO PLEASED.
> 
> So, enjoy:)

I hate everything. Well, not really, but Levi and I are both red with embarrassment and anger as we wait to get discharged.

"Aww, you guys are like a married couple."

"I can't believe big brother is going to be living with a girl! That's not me!"

"I can't believe Eren is settling down."

"I don't think settling down is the right term for it if you catch my drift."

"You know, we're right here." Levi says next to me and everyone looks at us like they had honestly forgotten that we're here. Then they turn back to their conversation.

"No way. Eren would've told me if they did it." Armin says and Levi looks at me in surprise and I just shrug.

"I can't say he's wrong." I say and Levi squeezes his eyes shut.

"That's disturbing. But I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't tell Farlan." He says back to me and Farlan smirks.

"Okay. He's still a virgin." He says honestly and Levi groans.

"Why is this conversation happening?" He says as he throws his head back and Ymir chuckles.

"You know, I alway thought Eren would want a less awkward guy." She says and Mikasa hums in agreement. Levi flips them both off.

"Fuck you, too." He says and Annie wraps her arm around Mikasa protectively. 

"Don't talk to my girlfriend that way." She says with no real visible emotion, but I know she's just as protective over Mikasa as Oluo is over his pride. 

"So, anyways." Isabel cuts through the tension, making Levi relax at the hopeful change of subject. "I want to take Eren shopping before she goes to your place." She says and my eyebrows furrow. 

"Why? My clothes are fine." I say and Historia giggles. 

"Eren, I've only ever seen you in sweatpants and baggy jeans. You need to get clothes." She says and looks to Isabel. "I'll come too. I haven't done much since I've gotten here." She says and Isabel shrieks. 

"That sounds fun!" Isabel agrees but I groan. 

"When did I agree to this?" I ask and look to Mikasa for help, but she offers nothing of the sort.

"You're going. When was the last time you did something fun outside of this place?" She says and I throw my hands in front of me.

"I could ask you the same thing." I respond and she shrugs.

"I'll come too." She says and turns to Annie. "Wanna come?" She asks and Annie shakes her head.

"As great as that sounds, I have less exciting things to do." She says sarcastically.

"Can I join?" I say and she smirks.

"Sorry, Jaeger. Can't help you with this one." She says and I sigh.

"Fine. It looks like I'm doing this." I say and Ymir laughs. 

"I'm coming. I've never seen Eren go to a mall, let alone a Victoria's Secret. This is gonna be fun." She says.

"That sounds fun. I'll go too." Sasha says and I pause.

"Wait, who's Victoria? And why is this place a secret?" I ask and the whole room grows silent. Isabel opens her mouth and closes it like a few times and then turns to Armin.

"Help me here. You speak her language." Isabel says and Armin sighs.

"It's the lingerie shop for teenagers or young adults. Plus they have some good smelling lotion." He says and I nod.

"Okay..." I say and I hear Levi chuckle next to me a bit, making me elbow him. Farlan and Jean both laugh a bit too.

"How do you not know that?" Jean ask and turns to Mikasa who shrugs.

"I mean, superstore bras are good too." She says with a small smile and I roll my eyes. 

"You guys are mean. I don't like shopping, okay?" I say and Isabel giggles.

"Well, you're gonna like it after today." She says and I groan,

"Fine. Let's get this over with."

 

 

* * *

 

  

They drive me to the mall and takes me to a Victoria's Secret. After living with only guys for three years, it's... a bit odd. It's made to look like a "sexy getaway" or whatever and it's making me feel uncomfortable. "So, what size are you?" Historia says and I turn to her.

"I haven't worn a bra in years. I don't remember." I say and her eyes widen.

"Years? Oh wow." She says and I blush.

"I just need to find a good one now that I can start wearing them again. I only really wore sports bras in high school too expect for special events." I say and Isabel shakes her head.

"Eren, you are one of the hottest people I've ever seen. Even as a boy you're hot. You could be the sexiest girl ever if you just use what you have. Hell, you're a sexy girl now. I doubt you even need a push-up bra." Isabel says and by the end of her speech, I'm blushing like a tomato.

"Umm... thanks?" I say and she laughs and grabs my hand. She pulls me into a dressing room and closes the door after Mikasa makes her way in too.

"Okay, let me see them."

"What!" I shriek and she smiles and shakes her head like I'm the oddest thing she's ever seen. I guess I can't blame her.

"I need to see what size you are. Don't worry." She says and though that did nothing to ease my nervousness, but I know she means well. I take my shirt off so I'm only in my wrapping and set it on a bench. I take off the wrapping and she pulls out a measuring tape and I gulp. She wraps it around my ribs and then around my boobs.

"Okay, you're a 32 C. You definely won't need a push-up." She says and I nod.

"Cool. So, can you grab one for me to try on?" I ask and she nods happily. What I don't expect is for her to come back with twenty different ones, all differing in colors and models.

"Did you get the whole fucking store?" I ask and she shakes her head.

"Just a few. You're gonna need more than one. We don't know what kind of dress you're gonna wear." She says and I groan.

"Can't I just get a black one and call it a day?" I say and she stares at me like I'm an idiot and not someone who's forgotten this is part of being a girly-girl. Thank god I was never a girly-girl.

"What if you get a sheer dress for the ball?" She asks and my eyes widen.

"No sheer. I want it to cover everything. Plus I have to hide a knife." I say and Mikasa gasps.

"Eren!"

"I have to. It's a military event and we're in a time of war." I say and Mikasa sighs and Isabel chuckles.

"You're like a spy." She says and I shake my head.

"Definitely not a spy." I respond and her eyes widen when she realizes what she said. She gulps and changes the subject.

"We'll keep it to ten bras."

"One."

"Eight."

"Two or I'm leaving in my wrap." I say and she groans.

"Fine. But I'm getting you a cute one." She say and I laugh.

"Fine. Show me these things work."

We end up leaving with a tan one, a white one, and a black one. Mikasa and Sasha also got some for themselves, but Mikasa also took three of them out of her bag and handed them to me, along with some underwear. "You need more than three. We have sports bras at home, but you need regular ones." She says and Sasha walks up to me. 

"Hey, I wanted to get a bath bomb. Wanna come?" She says and I find myself surprised she's directly talking to me, even if she's avoiding my gaze. 

"Yeah, sure." I say and Mikasa points behind her to the store where the other girls are. 

"I'm gonna get a phone case. We'll just meet up here." She says and I nod. I follow Sasha to a store with good smelling soap in the front and handwritten notes everywhere. I go to smell a bar when Sasha finally speaks.

"Did you... did you see him?" She asks quietly and I look around. The store is busy and no one pays any mind to us. I nod.

"Yeah." Is all I can choke out and she picks up another bar, just holding it in her hands.

"Was he..." I nod and she stops. It takes a moment before she turn to me. "It was Reiner, wasn't it? Reiner killed them." She says as if she has already come to the conclusion on her own and I just confirm.

"Yes. It was him." I say and she looks down.

"Is he dead?" She asks with a bit of anger in her voice and I finally realize why she's been so upset.

"Sasha?" I say and she looks up at me, eyes meeting mine. "I killed him." I say quietly and she actually sighs before quickly pulling me into a hug.

"Thank you." She says and I return the gesture.

"It needed to be done." I say and for the first time since the mission, I believe it. We each end up leaving with a bath bomb and she gets an overly expensive face mask that smells like mint and looks like vomit. We meet up with everyone else and end up going to this weird clothing store. Well, part clothing and part bongs and part- oh my god, please tell me those aren't dildos. "What are we doing here?" I ask innocently as Mikasa, Historia, and Ymir go back to that area and suddenly, my eyes widen. "Oh." I say and turn to Isabel and Sasha, who just nod. I turn and decide to ignore that and look at the beanies. I actually end up buying a grey one and a black one and some tall socks while trying not to think about Mikasa's and Annie's sex life.

Once that whole this is over, I get pulled into a normal clothing store where I'm immediately put in a dressing room with Ymir. "Make sure she doesn't try to leave." Historia says to Ymir and I sigh.

"I'm not a dog or anything, you know." I say and she smiles.

"I know, but Ymir wants to be here about as much as you, so you both have to stay." She says and roll my eyes. 

"Fine." I say and she grin before leaving. Ymir turns to me.

"We can both make a break for it." She plots and I laugh.

"And this is why I love you." I say and she smiles back at me.

"No, but we should probably stay. You have to look hot going home to your boyfriend." She says and I flush at that.

"Right. I almost forgot about that." I say. The closer I get to it, the more nervous I am. I'm sure it'll be fine, but it's just nerve-wracking. He's never seen me look like anything but a mess or a boy. What if he doesn't like it? What if he doesn't like me? Maybe I'm just being too shallow about this whole thing, but I still don't know how to feel about it. 

"Stop overthinking it." Ymir says, taking me out of my slight mental crisis. "He loves you and it's painfully obvious. How you look in leggings isn't gonna change that." She says with a small smile that I mirror.

"Thanks. I needed that." I say and she nods.

"I know. But I'm not lying about the leggings thing. Seriously consider it." She says and I laugh.

"Call my crazy, but I think yoga pants would be better." I say and see nods in agreement.

"True. But, you should probably know you're not leaving without a skirt. And we have to go dress shopping." She says and I groan.

"Kill me."

 

 

* * *

 

 

We leave that store with lots of baggy sweaters and shirts, some yoga pants, shorts, and a few circle skirts. I pay for it before walking to the bathroom and changing out of my sweats and my baggy shirt into a big, forest green sweater and a pair of leggings with my grey hat and my old pair of worn out, black high tops. When I come out, everyone looks at me in surprise.

"Whoa. You look good." Sasha says andI try not to fix the way that the underwire holds everything up. It's a new feeling, but I can't really feel my chest anyways, so it could be worse. I scratch the back of my head and look down.

"Oh. Um, thanks." I say and Isabel smiles widely.

"You look so pretty." She says and I guess I don't know how to respond. All I did was change my clothes. I'm not even wearing makeup, yet just well-fitting clothes can somehow make a difference. It's odd, but I'm not exactly opposed to it. After a run of gushing and me just flat out walking away, we end up going to get our dresses for the ball. As stupid as it may be, this is actually what I'm most excited for. I don't exactly know why, but I'm excited to do this. It doesn't take long for Ymir, Sasha, and Isabel to find a dress, but Historia, Mikasa, and I end up going to a second place to find one.

Historia finds a pink, princess dress that fits her perfectly and Mikasa finds a red mermaid dress that looks amazing on her. I only find my dress in the back of a rack after looking for a good twenty minutes. Once that's all done, Isabel takes me to a makeup store. I suck it up as she does my makeup and forces me to get some for the ball. After all of that, everyone goes back to the barracks except Isabel and I. She stops outside of the apartment complex and I sigh.

"Isabel?" I pause and wait for her to hum. When she does, I continue. "What if he doesn't want to live with me? Like, it ends up that we don't work well together and..." 

"I'm stopping you right there." She says and turns to me. "Eren, I know you're going through a lot of change, but his feelings for you aren't. He has never looked at anyone the way he looks at you. It's gonna be fine." She says and I nod, a bit more reassured. 

"Maybe you should come in too." I say and she rolls her eyes.

"It's #13. First floor. You'll be fine." She says and I sigh.

"Fine." I say and get out, grabbing my bags from the backseat. Before I leave, I stop. "Thanks for today, by the way. I think I needed that." I say and she smiles back to me.

"I know. And it was my pleasure. We need to hang out more often. You know, when neither of us are in danger." She jokes and I actually laugh at that. 

"Will do. Bye!" I say and she waves back to me as I close the door behind me and look up to the complex. I walk up to the door and press the buzzer for Levi's room and after a minute, I hear his voice. 

"Who is it?" He asks, voice deep and intimidating and I almost laugh."

"It's the police." I say into the speaker and it buzzes, indicating that it's unlocked: I take a breath as I pull open the door and walk into the main hallway. I find his room and knock. 

"It's open!" He yells and I walk into his apartment. To say I'm surprised is an understatement. I guess I didn't know what to expect, but a normal apartment apparently wasn't it. It looks like an apartment any young adult would have. I walk into a living area and I assume if I turn the corner into the big opening, I'd hit the kitchen. The walls are a pale pink much to my amusement and and has cream carpet. There's one big window in the back, but other than that, it's pretty calm. I hear something from the open area I can't see and smell something awful in the air.

"What's dying?" I call and Levi groans.

"Everything. You can put your stuff down in the room. It's to the right, on the right." He says and I'm not sure whether to be concerned or entertained by his answer, so I go to the hallway and open the door to the room. Again, it's very simple, but cute. The comforter is a dark red and the walls are still pink. There's a closet, a door I'm assuming is the bathroom, a dresser and a nightstand and I don't know why, but something about the simplicity of it makes it all the more homey. _Home. This is home._ Now that's a weird thought. I neatly put my things in the corner and hang my dress in the back of his closet so he can't see it I was it to be a surprise. 

I go to what is indeed the kitchen to see Levi cooking in the kitchen. He is wearing jeans and a white t-shirt and I don't think I've ever seen his wear casual clothes and I have to say, it's a nice change. I look at what he's doing to see him cooking Mac 'n Cheese. Well, kind of. Something about the sight makes it set in. _Yeah, this is home._

 

"You know you're supposed to add milk, right?" I ask and he lifts a finger as he turns to me.

"I'm getting there. You see, the instructions say..." He starts and doesn't finish as his eyes widen. He just stares at me for a moment with a look of amazement I've only seen from when I beat him in sparing and I feel my face heat up. He walks over to me as I look away. "You look amazing. Like, wow." He says and I chuckle. 

"Eh, it's just the tight pants." I say, but he lifts my head up with a finger on my chin and makes me look up at him.

"No, it's just you." He say and I roll my eyes.

"Now you're just being corny." I try to stop his gushing, but it doesn't work.

"I'm being honest here. You're beautiful." He says and I don't really know how to react to it. He must sense this, because he leans down and pecks my lips. "It's not that you look different, you just look more comfortable. More yourself. Well other than the makeup." He says and strokes my cheek with his thumb. "It looks good, but someone like you doesn't need it." He says and I roll my eyes. His lips press to mine again and I can't help the stupid smile that is pressed to my face because of it.

He pulls away all to soon and leans his forehead on mine. "It's weird though. You're so domestic." He says and I snort.

"You're one to talk." I say, tugging on his shirt. "Mr. V-neck and jeans. Who are you and what have you done with my shirtless boyfriend I've spent the past month with." I joke and he rolls his eyes and lifts his shirt, revealing his abs.

"Happy?" He says and I laugh, pushing his hand down to cover him again. 

"Very." I say as I lean up to kiss his lips. He pulls away and sniffs the air. I do the same and nearly laugh as his eyes widen at the smoke. 

"Shit!" Levi yells and runs to the stove, taking the pan from the stove quickly to the sink and turning it on and I can only laugh as he struggles with it. When the fire goes out, he turns to me. "So, takeout?" He asks and I pull out my phone.

"Chinese or sushi?" I ask and he just chuckles and walks up to me, kissing my forehead. 

"Chinese. Sushi tastes like shit." He says and I laugh again.

"I'm so glad you said that, oh my god." I say and he full on laughs at that. We end up on his couch with Chinese and chopsticks, just sitting and talking. 

"So, are you normally this shitty at cooking?" I ask and he covers his eyes with his hand.

"Yes, okay?" He laughs embarrassedly and uncovers himself. "I've never had time to learn how to cook. That was more of Isabel's thing." He admits and I giggle.

"It's okay. Mikasa is just the same. She can't cook for shit, but she can decode a computer." I say and he laughs.

"Then I guess inadequate cooking is a good sacrifice." He says and I nod.

"Yeah, I was more the cook in the house. Mikasa is a much cleaner person though." I say and he shrugs.

"Don't worry. A few days here and you'll learn how to clean pretty well." He say and I can't help but laugh at that. He rolls his eyes and sets his food carton down. "You're an asshole." He says and I hum in agreement.

"And you pout like a child." I backfire and he literally pouts.

"So what if I do." He says and I laugh and lean forward to peck his lips, but he turns his head away.

"Nope. You're not allowed." He say and I roll my eyes and set down my food too.

"You're a five year-old. You know that?" I say as I move closed to him and take his face in my hands.

"And you're a meanie-butt-meanie." He says and I stop.

"Isn't that from Spongebob?" I ask and he pauses too for a moment.

"I'm not sure." He says with a laugh and we both end up cracking up after that. He calms down and leans his head against the couch. He has a soft look on his face that has me blushing against my will.

"What?" I ask and he sighs and closes his eyes. He opens them before talking.

"You know, I've seen you in the weirdest situations, I've seen you as a boy, and I've seen you almost die, but I've never seen you just relaxed." He says and if I really think about it, he's right. Something about today has been a distraction I haven't had since I've met him and I just feel calm. I feel calm. And same with Levi. Although he's level headed most of the time, I've never seen him quite so relaxed and it makes this all the easier.

I should be way more nervous about this, but for some reason, I'm not. It just seems right. "It's weird." Levi says, breaking me from my thoughts as he grabs my hand. "I didn't think I could love you more." He says and I groan, making his eyebrows furrow. "What?" He asks and I throw my hands in front of me.

"How? How do you always know the right thing to say?" I say with a laugh and he just smiles.

"You know, I never thought I'd hear anyone say that to me. I'm awful with words. I just really like you." He says and I chuckle and grab his hand.

"Well, I really like you, too." I say and he chuckles. He pulls my hand so I'm basically on him and he pulls me into a embrace. I don't really know how long he holds me like this, with me straddling his lap and his arms wrapped around my waist, but he eventually pulls away enough to rest his forehead on mine and smile.

"By the way." He says and pecks my nose before continuing. "Welcome home, Sweetheart."

 

 


	32. Christmas Eve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, Christmas fluff! There will be more, but it might be a day or two after Christmas. I think the last line of this will explain why it's gonna be late. So, enjoy this chapter!

The time we get for our break carries on and I have to say, I like having a normal life with Levi. Well, as normal as we can get. We both have panic attacks pretty frequently, but for the most part, we're able to calm down better being in our own safe home. His happen in the middle of the night while mine tend to happen in the morning. We lay around and cuddle a lot, but we both go and do our own thing other times. Levi has Hanji over a lot too, but she normally stays next door because apparently Petra lives there. We sometimes have dinner with her and Oluo, who I found out are roommates. Or... I guess I shouldn't call them just roommates with the way Oluo looks at her.

Mikasa, Isabel, Farlan, and Sasha come over a lot. Armin, Historia, Ymir, and Jean are over almost as much too, or I'm there with all of them. Annie has been busy with family stuff, but she promised she'll come over for Christmas. Well, until we found out the ball is that day. Levi was absolutely seething when he found out, but I kind of understood. I mean, who starts battles on Christmas? Mikasa helped me get Christmas presents for everyone this year, even Eld and Gunther. They've been moving into their new house together, so we haven't seen much of them either, but they want to have New Years at their house. 

Right now, on Christmas Eve, I lay next to Levi on the couch as we watch fucking Hallmark Christmas movies and I have to hold back my laughter at how focused Levi is. His arms and legs are blanketing me and I just watch him as he groans. "You don't dump a guy just because you don't think he can be the next Santa. You're an idiot and Jack Frost is a fuckboy." He says and I accidentally let out my giggle, making glance down at me. I bite my lip to stop myself again and he rolls his eyes. "You're mean. This is a quality movie." He says and I full on laugh at that.

"You wouldn't know a quality movie if it slapped you across the face." I banter back and he lets out a short, sarcastic laugh, but I see his little smile.

"You're lucky I love you or I would beat the shit out of you." He says and I smirk. 

"I'd like to see you try." I kid and he uses his head to push my face towards the tv.

"Leave me alone." He pouts, but he cuddles closer to me, so I guess it's okay if we watch a shitty Christmas movie. All of our friends are going to Petra's tonight, so we have the whole day just to relax together. Plus I know Isabel is kidnapping me until the ball, so we have to appreciate this time together before it.

I glance up at him to find him looking at me instead of the movie and rolls his eyes when he gets caught. "I give up. This movie is shitty." He says and I giggle as I lean up to him.

"I told you so." I say and close the distance between our lips and kiss him. He smiles into the kiss and pulls me closer so our bodies are flushed. He starts nipping at my lower lip and I just open my mouth, taking the opportunity to add my tongue to the equation and I taste the familiar taste of Levi. I pull away from him when it becomes hard to breathe and he smiles. 

"Maybe I should admit I'm wrong more often." He says and I laugh.

"You know, you're funny for an old man." I say and he rolls his eyes in a non-playful way for the first time today and he lays back down so he's facing up instead of towards me and I know I may have crossed a line. I move so I'm laying on him and I prop my chin on his chest. "You know I'm kidding." I try, but he just sighs.

"I know, but is this at all weird to you? You're so much younger than me." He says and I shake my head.

"That doesn't matter." I say and he looks at me skeptically. 

"I was in kindergarten when you were born." He says and I laugh at his serious tone. 

"When did you take the time to figure that out?" I scold and he sighs.

"I just don't want you to think of me as this old man who can't keep up." He says and I laugh again, making his eyebrows furrow.

"Levi, trust me, you don't have to worry about that." I say and I move more onto his so we're face-to-face. "You're only five years..."

"Almost six."

" _Five_ years older than me. That's gonna seem like less and less the longer we're together." I say and he smiles.

"You think we're going to be together that long?" He asks with a peaceful smile and I know that that somehow helped him.

"Yeah, I do." I admit. He throws an arm around my waist and closes his eyes.

"What do you think life will be like?" He asks and I move so we're closer together as I think out loud with a stupid grin on my face.

"Well, we'd travel a lot. I'm still holding you to seeing all the oceans  with me. Then maybe we'll buy a house, if we settle down. To be honest, I don't really have a dream future, though." I admit and he raises an eyebrow. "I just want to be with you. I never was even sure if I wanted to fall in love until I met you." I say with flushed cheeks. It's weird thinking back to when I first met him and wanted to shove him out of my life to prevent this. Now I can't imagine anything else.

"Same here." Levi says. "Isabel thought I has gone crazy when I first came home from the mission telling her I was in love. I had my ankle messed up and I had been crying over your injury and she sat me down and treated me like I was sick. When I finally explained myself, she basically shoved me out the door to go to you. And when I did, I couldn't leave." He explains and I smile fondly, thinking back to how he didn't leave my side the whole time. 

"God, it's weird to about how crazy this whole thing is." I think out loud and he nods.

"But it's almost over." He says and I close my eyes. Our last mission isn't what I want to think about. Oh god do I not want to think about it. He must sense this, because he changes the subject. "But there are a few things I know will happen." He starts and I hum curiously.

"We'll get married during the summer. Probably by the ocean or some water. You'll look beautiful and I'll hopefully not look like a blushing idiot." He laughs and continues. "Seeing all the oceans will be our honeymoon and then we'll come back here. We'll probably still work in the military, but it'll be calmer. Maybe we'll have a kid, but that's not important. What's important is you being there." He says and my eyes widen at his in depth answer. His cheeks are flushed, but I'm sure mine are not any better as I lean up and peck his lips, just barely pulling away to talk.

"You're perfect." I admit and he closes his eyes and sighs.

"I'm pretty sure that's you." He tries, but I just lean down and kiss him again, making him laugh a bit and pull me closer. Once the kiss ends, I don't move away from him as something crosses my mind.

"Um... Levi?"

"Hmm?"

"I can't have kids." I say and his eyebrows furrow in confusion, so I explain. "During training, since I not only trained so hard, but lost most of my body fat percentage, I kind of became infertile." I say and his eyes widen. 

"Oh wow, I'm sorry." He says and I shake my head.

"It's okay. I always wanted to adopt kids anyways." I shrug and he smiles.

"Okay, then it's good?" He asks and I shrug again.

"I guess it's kind of either or. For me at least." I say, realizing that he might want kids of his own, but kisses my nose.

"So maybe we'll adopt." He says and I nods with a small smile on my face, realizing we're basically planning our future together and I can't help but love it. 

"Do you actually plan on all of this?" I ask seriously and he nods.

"Yeah, I do." He says confidently and I just don't know how he can be that confident. I mean, I want that too, but with everything about to happen...

A thought crosses my mind that I have been trying to push away.

This might be all we have.

My hand moves up to his face and I stroke his cheekbone with my thumb. "I want that too." I admit and he grins at that, as if I confirmed something that he needed to hear. I remember something else as I move to get up. "I'll be right back." I say and I lean down and kiss his cheek before getting up and running towards Isabel's old room where I hid everything. I find the envelope with Levi's name on it and run into the living room. I sprint to the couch and basically jump on him as I hand it to him. He groans as I get situated atop him. "Merry Birthday Eve." I say and he chuckles as I move so I'm sitting crisscross on his lap. He moves into a sitting position before opening it, and when he does, his eyes widen.

"Are these plane tickets?" He asks and I nod. "I found a place online to stay too. It's a bed and breakfast right on the coast." I explain and he just has a shocked grin on his face. He looks down at the date and smiles.

"So, we're going next summer?" He asks and I shrug.

"Maybe it's wishful thinking, but I'm hoping everything will be calmer by then." I confess and he kisses me to pull me out of my thoughts.

"It's gonna be great." He says and puts them on the coffee table behind him. There's something in his hand as he shifts so he's sitting even more upright. "So, I've been thinking..." He's interrupted by a knock on the door. Levi sighs and pulls his legs from out under me and goes to answer the door. As soon as it's open, Petra comes barging in and goes into the kitchen. 

"I ran out of sugar and I haven't finished the cranberries." She yells even though she's not that far away and I giggle. Leave it to Petra to get this worked up over feeding people. She's such a mom. Levi groans and walks in there too. 

"It's above the microwave." He says and Petra hums as she finds it. She walks into the living room where I'm sitting in sweatpants and one of Levi's t-shirts and gives me an exasperated smile. 

"Do you think you can help me cook? Oluo can't cook for shit." She asks and I nod. 

"Okay, sure." I say and Levi shakes his head.

"We said we'd be over by six. It's three." He say and I shrug.

"It's fine. I like cooking, anyways. You should come, you might learn  something." I taunt and he chuckles. 

"Fine. But I'm changing first." He says and walking into our room and I realize I should probably change too.

"I'll be right over." I say and Petra nods before quickly walking out. I love Petra, but she can be manic sometimes. I go into our room and go to my side of the dresser to pull out some underwear, a skirt, and some socks before going to the closet and grabbing a sweater. I turn to Levi to see him struggling with a white button-up shirt and I giggle as I walk to him and take the bottom hem, buttoning up from there.

"So, what were you saying?" I ask and he shrugs. 

"I'll tell you later." He brushes the subject off and I stop buttoning to look up at him. His cheeks are a bit red and his breathing is shallow. His hands and a bit shaky too, fumbling over his button. 

"Are you okay?" I ask and he nods. 

"Of course I am." He says, but I cover my hands with his and he finally looks up at me and relaxes a bit.

"You sure? Is everything okay?" I try again and he smiles this time, his hands finding dropping to my waist as he leans down and pecks my lips.

"It's fine." He says with a soft smile as he moves away from me to pull on a pair of black slacks. I start changing too, at this point, not really caring much if Levi sees. Especially with the second part of his gift coming tomorrow. When I'm done changing, I go to brush my teeth and put on some makeup on before meeting Levi in the living room. Hand in hand, we go to Petra's apartments.

 

____________________________

 

By the time everyone comes over, Petra and I finish making a full meal. We all eat and exchange gifts, but the night doesn't end there. Hanji seems determined to get everybody drunk, which she starts pretty successfully. By 9 o'clock, everyone is at least tipsy except me. I just like to watch and take videos. Mikasa turns out to be a bit of a giggly drunk, but Annie is a calm drunk, so it works. So is Armin, so he just keeps Jean, the angry drunk, in line. Farlan is flirtier that I remember, but I also didn't see him drunk around his girlfriend. I'm hanging out with them and Sasha while Ymir and Historia flirt in the corner. I don't really know how their relationship is going, but from the looks of it, it's going well.

Armin is laying with his head on my lap and playing with my hair, wearing a sweater he got from Mikasa that make his eyes looks brighter than normal. He's crossing over from calm to ditzy the more drunk he gets and he giggles as he plays with my hair.

"Oh, guess what!" He says as if he's remembered the most important thing in the world. I laugh and shrug.

"What is it?" I ask and he smiles.

"You look cute in a skirt. Levi was staring at your ass while you were cooking. It was sexual, yet loving in a way. It was fascinating." He says Annie, Farlan, and Sasha laugh while the other three fake gag. I'm blushing deeply as Mikasa straightens up from leaning on Annie.

"Yeah, how long are you gonna wait? I'm starting to think you'll get married before you even orgasm." She says and even Jean cracks a smile at that while everyone else laughs at my misery.

"My sex life is none of your business." I say and she rolls her eyes.

"I'm your sister. Of course it is." She says with a chuckle and Annie smiles at her.

"But seriously, before this whole shit show, you should do him." Annie says with a shrug.

"I agree." Sasha says and I turn to see the honest look on her face. "It's obvious you love him and he's obviously not planning on leaving you. But just do it. You don't want to regret it." She says and I know, coming from her, this actually means a lot. I nod and smile to her and she returns the gesture. I look to Jean to see his jaw clenched and that he's looking away from us and out the window. Armin doesn't seem much better as he watches him with a much more sober look on his face. I pet his hair and he tries to smile for me, but it isn't quite there. 

By the end of the night, I end up driving Isabel and Farlan home and crash on the couch at their place. While I lay down I think about what Sasha said. I was thinking about tomorrow night with Levi, but now it's clear that this is what I should do. We'll still have two days after just to relax, so it'll be okay. And I honestly feel ready. I know he isn't just going to fuck me, either. No, it'll mean something. 

It's decided. I'm gonna make love with Levi.


	33. Ball

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY WRITERS BLOCK.  
> I'M SO SORRY I HAVEN'T BEEN POSTING. Seriously, I've had the worst writing's block. Like, I know what I'm doing for the next few chapters, but this one just took foreverrrr. I'm sorry.
> 
> Everyone's dresses are on tumblr under the #fic: has  
> My URL is at the end of the chapter.
> 
> I like dropping subtle hints. This chapter is full of them. Be on the look out:) 
> 
> Triggers: Sexism, panic, anxiety, and smut.

The next morning, I'm pulled out of bed at like 9 in the morning by Isabel who is screeching. "Wake up! It's time to start getting ready!" She says and I groan. 

"What the hell? Why can't we do this at like... I don't know... 4?" I ask and she gasps.

"We're meeting them at six! We need time! We're meeting the other girls at the nail salon and..."

"Wait up." I stop her, still waking up and confused as to how she's not hungover. "Nail salon? Why do we need to do that?" I ask and she laughs as if I'm entertaining her.

"Eren, we're going to a military ball. Even Levi takes like three hours to get ready for these. You have to look perfect." She says and my hand instinctually finds my cheek to cover it. Isabel must notice my sudden insecurity, because she sits down next to me. "Okay, you have a few other things you need to consider here. You're the first women to not only make the elite squad, but also survive two high risk missions with only minor scars to prove it." She says and I'm suddenly regretting getting a strapless dress. I guess I hadn't thought people would actually pay attention to me, and now that I know they are...

"I have a scar that literally runs down my whole body, Isabel." I say and pull down my collar, showing it to her. "And I got shot in the arm. How am I supposed to hide that?" I ask and she smiles.

"You don't. You wear them proudly." She says and I find myself confused. "You survived hell and you're still not only alive, but well. So show it off. I know my scars will be showing." She says and pulls off her shirt, turning around and I see what looks like three knife cuts across her back. 

"Oh Isabel." I nearly cry before she pulls her shirt back on and turns to me. 

"Yeah, they're bad, but I'm not ashamed of them. It's something I went through. It's become a part of me." She says without really looking at me. Her eyes finally find mine and she leans on the couch with me. "You shouldn't be ashamed of yours either. They each tell a story." She says and points to my arm. "You survived a shot that's level to your heart. A foot further on either side and you'd be dead." She reads and points to my face. "You almost got killed again here. You're damn lucky it was a skim." She then points to my chest. "I'm not going to lie, it's obvious you got sexually assaulted, but you're going to look beautiful and confident tonight and you can say that didn't stop you." She says with a calm smile. "You're strong and you show that in just who you are. Now let me help you flaunt it." She says and after a moment, I nod. She's right. These scars show what I've been through and theres no reason to hide that.

"Okay. Explain how this whole thing works."

 

 

* * *

 

  

Mikasa and Annie do Ymir's makeup while Historia does Sasha's and Isabel does mine. Everybody else is basically ready and we're meeting at HQ with the guys. My knee won't stop bouncing in anticipation as I wait for Isabel to finish. It's weird, I shouldn't be this nervous, but it's not just this. It's the ball then _after_ the ball then everything after _after_ the ball. Yeah... that makes sense.... Anyways, she's leaving my hair down and curled it into waves so their not to tight to my head. The longest part of it still brushes my shoulder and I can feel it now as Isabel examines my face.

"She needs one more thing but I can't figure out what it is." She says and turns my chair so the others can see me.

"Um... I don't know." Historia says and Ymir shrugs while Mikasa looks closely at me.

"Lipstick. But not the shiny kind. Just a peach or nude pink. Something muted." She says and Isabel bounces.

"Perfect!" She says as I look at Mikasa who smiles at me.

"You are my sister. Of course I know what looks good on you." She says and I stifle a laugh since Isabel is brushing something on my lips.

"And... done. Now, you can't see until you put on the dress. Go!" She says and I grumble as I listen. I take my dress of the hanger, careful not to get dust on it, and slip into it while the other girls talk and zip it in the front before turning it. I adjust the strapless dress and bra before turning to them.

"Is this on right?" I ask and they all shut up to look at me. Ymir's and Mikasa's eyes widen and Sasha's jaw drops while Isabel shrieks.

"You look amazing!" She says and I blush, looking down.

"Thank you." I say and Mikasa smiles as Sasha regains her composure.

"This is so weird for me. I've only known you were a girl for a month and like... holy shit, you're a pretty girl." She says and I smile. Mikasa gets up and takes my hand before walking me to the mirror. When I see myself, my jaw almost drops. I don't even recognize myself. I mean, I do, but I forgot what I look like as a girl. The makeup isn't heavy either. It's actually pretty natural. She put on some white eyeshadow near my tear duct and made it fade out into brown as it goes out. She put some bronzer and highlighter on to make my features pop. She put a thin layer of black eyeliner on and a little bit of mascara. Along with pink blush and soft, but not over done pink lipstick, I look like a girl. Especially in my dress. I've always wanted a dress like this. It's light blue, close to white, and is lace on the top before pooling out into a tule ball gown. It make my boobs look good without making a show of them and makes my waist look small. The color of my dress makes alongs with my makeup make my eyes look really blue and I actually look... pretty. Even despite the scars. Isabel make sure not to cover them at all, but somehow, they aren't as daunting. Even my arm doesn't look too bad and maybe it's just a mental thing, but they actually add to me. They're a part of me.

All the other girls get dressed and they all look stunning too. Like, it's actually amazing. It's weird to see after so many days of losing like shit in training and really never getting anymore dressed up than casual clothes and now everyone is basically dressed in a ball gown. Once everyone does final touches to their makeup, we go to headquarters. One thing I notice as soon as we get there is that all of the guys manage to match their dates perfectly, although Jean matched Armin which makes me smirk. Jean is technically going with Sasha for formality reasons while Armin works, but we all know what's really going on. Another thing I notice is that I have no idea where Levi is. I look around for him in the small group of us and Farlan walks up to me. 

"Go upstairs. He wanted to talk to you in private, but if it takes any longer than five minutes, I'm coming up. Hanji is on my ass about when we're getting there." He instructs and I laugh.

"Thanks Farlan." I say as I go inside the building. I pick up my skirt as I go upstairs, totally ungracefully fixing my boobs while I'm alone. This thing is nice, but I'm not used to my boobs being up.

I walk through the door to the roof and I only see Levi from behind at first. He's wearing a grey suit jacket that makes his shoulder look defined and similarly colored pants that look really good on him. He's holding one of those flower wrist things and he's looking at the sunset. The rays of the sun bounce off of him in a way that makes him look more like art than human. He's beautiful. I almost don't want to disrupt him, but then I remember Farlan's warning. 

"Happy Birthday." I say and he turns towards me and I can see the fact that he matches me suspiciously well with a light blue tie and hanky that make his eyes pop. His hair is pushed back and out of his face that shows a look of pure shock. I resist the urge to scratch the back of my head nervously. He takes a few seconds before snapping out of his little trance and chuckles in surprise.

"Wow. I just... wow." Is all he really gets out and I don't even really know what to do with myself as he walks up to me and takes my hand, putting the wrist this on me and then lacing our hands together. He looks up at my face again and sighs. "I don't even know what to say. No words can do you justice." He says and I laugh awkwardly.

"T-thanks." I stutter. I don't know why this is affecting me nearly as much as it is, but I just don't know what to do when he looks at me that way, especially when he looks so good himself. "You too." I say stupidly and he chuckles.

"Um... thanks." He responds and I feel like we're an awkward couple going to their high school prom or something, just staring at each other in a hopelessly lovestruck way. His hand finds my cheek and he moves to kiss me before the door swings open behind us. _Has is seriously been five minutes?_

"Hey, it looks like you two are finally..." 

"Shut up, Farlan." Levi says surprisingly sharply and I find myself lost as Levi turns back to me. He offers me his arm and I can't help the laugh that falls out, prior confusion forgotten. As I loop mine through. Farlan holds the door for us with a shit-eatting grun on his face before following us down stairs. When we get down to the main level, I hear a gasp.

"Who the hell are you and what have you done with Eren Jaeger?" Jean says as we walk outside and I roll my eyes.

"Shut it, Horseface." I scold as Armin turns towards me and even his eyes widen.

"What the hell?" He says as he walks up to me and examines me. "You look amazing." He states and I move more behind Levi, who just steps to the side.

"Doesn't she? She's beautiful." He brags and I close my eyes in embarrassment at his gushing.

"Let's just go." I say as I pull Levi tighter and everyone laughs. We actually do the whole limo thing for the night, but apparently, that's normal. I really don't know what to expect of the night and it's really getting to me. Levi squeezes my hand as we sit down and leans over to me.

"It's going to be fine." He whispers and I shrug.

"I'm just worried. This is the first time anything like this has ever happened." I explain and he nods.

"I know, but you're gonna do fine. You earned a spot in this military and you deserve it." He says and I sigh.

"I just hope they think so." 

When we finally get to the ballroom this is being held at, I pat my leg to make sure my knife is in place. When I feel it is, I sigh and get out of the car. Levi offers his arm again and I'm rather liking how proper he's being. "Aren't I supposed to be the good one? It's your birthday." I murmur to him and he smiles.

"Being here with you is my present." He whispers back and I have to hold back from swooning. _That sly bastard._ We all walk up the stair and I find myself surprised when Levi, Isabel, Farlan, Sasha, Jean, Historia, Ymir, and I are all held back. Armin, Mikasa, and Annie all go in with confused looks as to why we were held back, but the guard holds up a finger.

"Wait here." He says and slips inside before coming back outside with Erwin.

"So, you're all being announced as guests of honor." He explains and Jean shakes his head.

"No way. I don't want to be pointed out as a weeping widow." He says and Erwin smiles.

"It's not that. Marco and Connie both had special requests for if they were to pass. You two will have the first dance of the night." Erwin says and Sasha's eyes widen.

"They planned this?" She asks and Erwin nods.

"Yes, and you two will find your guests of their choice inside." He says with a genuine smile. "Try to enjoy the night. They would want you to." He says and step inside, taking a dumbfounded Sasha and Jean in with his. I hear clapping on the other side, but I ignore it as I find my mind slipping into a panic. I turn towards Levi who looks as confused as I am.

"How did they know?" He murmurs and turns to me. "They must have made wills before the mission. Erwin wouldn't lie about that." He explain and I look to Farlan who nods.

"Marco made his will the night before we left. He must've known something was going to happen. Same with Connie." He clarifies and I find my stomach uneasy at that. Just remembering how brutally they died...

"Are you okay?" Historia asks as she takes my hands, helping me escape from my thoughts and I nod.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I say before Erwin comes back. 

"Now the four of you. Levi and Eren wait here." He instructs and Levi nods, turning to me as the door closes and taking my face into his hands.

"Are you okay? We don't have to stay if you don't want to. We can go home and rest and..."

"No, we have to do this. For them." I say and he hesitates before sighing.

"What happened that makes you so stiff at the thought of them?" He asks gently and I gulp.

"I don't mean to. It's just..." I trail off and I look down. "I promise I'll tell you, just not right now." I vow and he nods in understanding.

"Okay." He says and kisses my nose, making me smile a bit. This night is about Levi. Levi and Connie and Marco. And they'd want me to be happy. They obviously want us to be happy; they planned a fucking ball. So I can do this for them. The door opens again and Erwin comes back out. 

"I hope you guys don't mind that you're co-guests of honor. You both deserve to be recognized for your bravery." He preaches and Levi groans.

"Cut the shit, Erwin. What do you need us to do?" Levi responds coldly and I notice how Erwin's face falls. He quickly composes himself though, but a sigh still slips out.

"Just follow me and try to look happy." He says and turns towards the door, opening it and walking through. I turn to Levi and murmur under my breath.

"Play nice." I say and he rolls his eyes.

"He doesn't deserve nice." He whispers back and I sigh.

"Tonight isn't about that." I say and he nods in defeat.

"You're right." He resigns and kisses my cheek. With my arm tightly looped in his, we walk in and I'm instantly stopped by the sheer volume of people clapping as we walk in. Levi seems shocked too as he look at everyone and gulps. 

"Um... this is weird, isn't it?" I ask and he nods. 

"I mean, just the fact this whole ball is happening is weird, but this makes it weirder." He whispers back and we smile uncomfortably as we walk down the staircase and Erwin announces our arrival, but I don't pay attention as I take in the room. The walls are tall and marble and that alone is surprising, but it's also fucking huge. There must be at least five-hundred people in here, all standing comfortably. There are hallways that branch off of the main room and I don't even want to think about how big this place is. 

We reach the bottom step and the crowd dies down, I find myself struggling to keep a straight face when I see who's with Jean and Sasha. Obviously Armin is with Jean, no surprise at all there, but what I find odd is how Sasha was paired with Mikasa. I look around to find Annie standing off to the side, looking positivity livid, but Sasha looks rather pleased to be holding Mikasa's hand. Levi pulls me in another direction and I follow him, trying to snap back to reality.  _This is his night._  

We walk over to Eld, Petra, Oluo, and Gunther and Eld whistles as we walk over. "Damn, you guys look _good_." He says and Gunther rolls his eyes. 

"What he means to say is you two look nice tonight." He translates and Levi laughs.

"Well, thanks, but in pretty sure she just makes me look good." He responds modestly and I shake my head. 

"Stop it. You look good." I say and Petra giggles.

"You two act like a _married couple_ sometimes, I swear." She says curiously and I find myself confused as Levi stiffens. He seems like he's about to say something when suddenly there's someone hugging Levi and I.

"Oh thank god you guys got here, I'm dying." She groans and pulls away, glancing behind her to Erwin talk to Nile. I feel my eyes narrow on instinct at the sight of the two of them together, but I turn my attention back to Hanji who is wearing an obviously fake smile. I know this night is probably hard for her, so I'm glad that she has friends to support her through everything. I look back to Erwin to see him staring at Hanji with a sad smile and I find myself confused as I look back to Hanji who is ranting to Levi and Petra. This whole night so far is confusing to me, I swear. 

When I look over to Gunther, I find him staring at my arm with a worried look covering face and I unconsciously cover it with my hand. He looks up at me apologetically and I shrug, trying to resist the urge to run out. I don't like people seeing my scars. I barely like people seeing me as my own gender, for christ's sake, and I'm wearing a dress. Honestly, being this open is a little terrifying.

Hanji eventual leads all of us into a big room I didn't notice before and I'm assuming that's where dinner is supposed to be and my eyes widen as I walk in. It's the biggest room I've ever seen next to the main room. There's a table long enough to seat everyone here and I find myself even more surprised as Hanji leads Levi and I to the center.

We all sit together, plus some people I remember from my training. My fighting coach, Keith Shadis, and my shooting instructor, Dot Pixis. They both smile at me as I walk over and sit across from them. On Pixis' left is someone I'm about surprised is allowed here.

Marlo was not very high in out ranks, but not because he wasn't strong or able. No, he was just a smart ass through all of training and it didn't go over well. He glares at me as I sit down and turn to the other two. _I guess some things never change._

"Eren, how have you been?" Pixis asks and I shrug.

"I've been doing alright lately." I answer, trying to be nonchalant, but this whole night has me on edge. Levi must sense this, because he grabs my hand under the table and squeezes it. 

"How's your mother doing, by the way?" Shadis makes small talk and I don't notice how hard I'm squeezing Levi's hand until he winces next to me. I guess that must have been kept private, because he looks confused by my look of probably horror.

"She... um..." I trail off, looking down at the empty plates and water glasses sitting on the table and wishing I was like them, not being viewed as something to be made a show of. 

"She was killed about a month ago." Levi helps me out and I nod. Coming to terms with your mom dying is hard. Coming to terms with your mom being killed because of you is even harder. I thought I was getting better with handling these things, but I guess I just haven't had many triggers until this point. And this night is full of them. 

Shadis' face falls and Pixis just looks uncomfortable. I decide to change the subject to something lighter. "So, Marlo, what have you been up to?" I ask and he shrugs.

"I'm an instructor-in-training." He responds, bitterness edging his bored tone. "What about you? How was the sex change?" He asks and my eyes widen.

"Wait. What?" Is my dumbfounded answer as the table by me grows more tense.

"Your sex change. I see it went well." He says as if it's nothing and I know I'm probably gaping at him. 

"I never got a sex change. I've been female all my life and so has my body." I explain and his eyes widen.

"No way. I call bull. You were the strongest trainee." He says and I nod. 

"Yeah, so?" I respond in confusion and he lets out a conflicted huff.

"How could you be a girl and still be top of the class?" He asks and my jaw drops. 

"I'm sorry, what?" I practically spit at him and Levi cuts is.

"I really don't think her gender should matter." He says and his glare is enough to make anyone flinch, but Marlo just seems set to figure this out.

"But I don't understand it. You were a girl throughout all of training?" He asks again and Levi squeezes my hand under the table, trying to help me keep my composure.

"Yes, I've always been a girl." I respond and Pixis rolls his eyes. 

"Leave the _girl_ alone." He says and I turn to him to see him wink at me. "She's a good soldier. Probably better than you'd ever be." He pokes fun at Marlo, making Farlan chuckle next to me. Marlo huffs and rolls his eyes, making me frown. I don't understand why this is such an issue. Why is it so hard to believe that I was born a girl and I can still be as strong as a man?

We have dinner and a the others make small talk, but I stay silent. I don't know if he's just being an asshole or everyone else thinks this too. I mean, yeah, I had to work harder than the others, but I _did_ it. I pick at my food, not really wanting to eat. My stomach is at an uproar along with my mind, trying to wrap my head around this. We eventually get up to go out to the ballroom when I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn to Historia, who grabs my hand and pulls me towards the dance floor. "The first dance is about to happen." She smiles, but something seems off about it. She pulls me over to where the music is starting and Armin and Jean and Mikasa and Sasha walk on the dance floor. Jean and Armin look like flustered and nervous like they always do next to each other, but Jean wraps his arm around Armin's waist and lifts his free arm, making Armin grin up at him. Mikasa does the same with Sasha who giggle at Mikasa's smile, but I notice how much more lively she is compared to how she's been acting lately and I wonder exactly what Connie had in mind when he planned this. 

They start to dance and Historia tugs on my thumb discretely and I lean more towards her to listen. "I've been wanting to talk to you about this for awhile and it hasn't been convent for either one of us, but I really need your help tonight." She explains and I nod.

"What's up?" I ask and she takes a breath before whispering so quickly I almost miss it.

"I-love-Ymir-and-I-don't-know-what-to-do." She spills and I hold back a grin.

"Okay. So what's the problem?" I question and she sighs.

"I'm a princess and if we end up getting the kingdom back, I'm going to be made queen. And therefore, people will demand I find a king." She explains and pauses before continuing. "If I come back with another queen, there will be protest. I can't have an heir with another girl and non-heterosexual unions where just made legal a few years back." She worries and I nod.

"But Historia, you might not get your kingdom back." I say honestly and she turns to me. 

"I know, but..."

"Listen to me for a second." I demand and she nods. "You have feeling for her. So, what if you don't become queen and she moves on? Are you willing to lose her?" I ask and her eyes widen.

"I don't think I am." She answers and I smile.

"Then here's what I say. You go up to Ymir and kiss her. Right now. And if you're really worried about an heir, adopt a kid later. Some of the greatest leaders come from rough pasts." I suggest and she grins.

"I think you're right, Eren." She says as the music ends. As soon as everybody turns to do their own thing, she turns to me. "Thank you." She thanks me before rushing across the room and grabbing Ymir by the face, pulling her to her level and kissing her. Ymir's eyes widen before she closes them again, grinning into the kiss as she reciprocates. Levi walks up next to me and lets out a snort.

"Finally." He says, looking at them and I laugh as he grabs my hand. I lean into him a bit, trying not to let my smile fall, but struggling to keep it up. What Marlo said is still bothering me and I can't help but think maybe others think this too. That I'm not capable because I'm a girl. I know they're wrong, but it still hurts.

After the first dance happens, Levi was right, everyone starts dancing dirty and it's a bit disturbing to watch. He rolls his eyes and goes to talk to Hanji who looks like she's struggling to stay happy and sober. I look over to where Erwin is watching her and decide to walk over. _This is one thing I can do._

I walk to him, standing next to him and facing the crowd. He sighs and crosses his arms. "So, there are probably only three things you could be here to talk about and two of them talking to each other." He questions, leaving out the implication of the third. Luckily, my job is more simple than that.

"Why are you pushing them away?" I ask and he laughs. 

"You have no room to talk, Eren." He says and I frown. 

"What do you mean?" I ask and he snorts.

"Eren, you are a distant person. And I went to school with Levi and I'm saying that. You've put up walls while helping everyone else tear down their own. I mean, have you and Levi even talked about how bothered you've been all night?" He questions and I look down.

"Why would I?" I respond and he sighs.

"Exactly. He has to pry to figure out what's wrong with you because you won't let yourself open up without him putting in effort." He explains as if he knows me and I shake my head.

"That's not always true." I answer and he hums.

"But it is about your feelings for him. Your scared, aren't you?" He asks and I guess this guy is president for a reason because damn, he's got me figured out pretty well.

"How could I not be scared. With everything about to happen." I whisper as someone passes by us. He nod.

"I understand. It's... not going to be easy." He stops himself, but I shake my head.

"Tell me what you're really thinking." I demand and he sighs. 

"I just fear something is going to happen to one of you." He justifies my thought and I try not to frown as I nod.

"I have a bad feeling about it, too." I admit and he sighs.

"Just be careful. If you're lucky, neither of you get hurt, but just keep and eye out." He says and looks around the room. "Something hasn't been sitting right with me and I can't figure out what." He murmurs and I accidentally blurt out what I've been thinking all night.

"Why are you leaving Hanji? You're obviously in love with her." I ask rudely and he just laughs sadly.

"For the same reason I'm warning you." He tries to say as if it's something positive, but his fácade cracks a bit and I can see what he's thinking. He doesn't want anyone getting hurt, so he's pushing her away. 

"If she finds out that's why, it won't work." I add, remembering how persistent Levi was with me. I know Hanji would be the same.

"Because that's just it. I don't want her to. If anyone is going to get hurt, it's going to be me." He explains as he continues to scan everyone. "These things bring out the best, and worst, in everyone. I have guards here to take anyone suspicious. I refuse to have a repeat of..." He trails off, side eyeing me and I nod.

"I understand." I say, really not pleased about how often the mission is being brought up tonight. I mean, I basically wear it on me, isn't that reminder enough? 

I feel a tap on my shoulder and I jump a bit as I turn to the source. I feel my eyes narrow I see Nile holding his hand out in front of him. "May I offer you a dance?" He says and I'm about to say no and bitch him out when Erwin taps on the small of my back. He walks past me and nods, going in the direction of Hanji and I know he's planning something.

"Okay" I choke out and lay my hand in his. His closes around it and he practically yanks me close to him, holding me close enough he can murmur in my ear. "So, how has your night been, _War Hero_?" He sasses and my eyes narrow. 

"Fine." I respond shortly, wishing the silence would stay, but of course it doesn't.

"So, when did you just... suddenly become a women?" He ask and I shrug.

"Since birth." I answer and he hums.

"And why did you feel the need to hide that?" He says and I feel as though this is an interrogation rather than a dance. 

"I think it's pretty obvious." I retort and he spins me around, pulling me back and nearly trapping me in his arms. 

"I don't think it's obvious with the way you look tonight. Might as well have just worn nothing." He says and I stiffen in his arms. 

"Excuse me?" I croak, hating the way my voice sounds small as he laughs darkly.

"I mean, everyone knows what happened during the mission. For the second time, you had to have someone save your ass." He says and I close my eyes.

"Stop it."

"How did you even get into the squad? Did you sleep your way in? Maybe I should ask Levi. He seems to be..."

"Stop." I demand and pull away from him, not holding back as I slap him across the face, making him fall on the ground. Erwin is there quickly, grabbing his arm and pulling him to his feet as Nile swears. 

"What the hell was that for?" Nile yells and everyone who wasn't already staring sure is now. I feel my face flush as Erwin twists his arm. 

"You're coming with me, Nile." Erwin says and drags him out of the room. Many people carry on, but a few others swarm me with questions, some positive, some not. I only find an escape when Hanji wraps her arm around me. 

"Leave her alone." She commands. "This is a night for her and Nile was being uncivilized." She says, voice strong and I feel young and protected next to her. I mean, she _is_ the First Lady for a reason. The crowd leaves and she turns to me, putting a hand on either of my shoulders. I don't realize I'm shaking until she holds me in place. "Are you okay?" She asks gently and I nod. 

"Yeah, I'm okay." I answer before I hear a voice behind me. 

"What just happened? Is everything okay?" Levi asks and Hanji lets me go as I turn to him, burying my face in this neck and his arms wrap around me.

"Yeah. I'm fine." I say and he sighs. 

"You sure? What happened?" He asks and I just pull away, looking up at him. _Did he take me on his squad because he was interested in me? Was he interested in me back then?_ Hanji grabs my arm and pulls me out of the room, leaving Levi confused. She turns me towards herself and smiles.

"Don't listen to him. You're an amazing fighter and you know it. Just because you're an attractive young girl, doesn't mean anything." Hanji says and I bury my hands in my face and groan. 

"I don't know, Hanji. Isn't bad that I've been saved twice?" I ask and she shakes her head.

"You've saved others more than you've been saved. Eren, you are just as capable as anyone else on the team. Two people died during that last mission. What happens during missions means nothing if you don't survive." She says and I close my eyes.

"Okay, that's enough." Levi says and walks into the hallway, anger written all over his face. He rubs his temple and lowers his arm as he finds words to say. "I'm caught up now, and I have to say that's complete bullshit he said." He starts and I look down, but his next words make me look up at him. "Truth is, I was attracted to you at first. And that's why I didn't want you on my squad." He admits and I find myself staring at him with wide eyes as he continues. "I didn't want you on my squad because no one ever made me feel the way you did and it scared me, but all of your teachers had told me prior to our meeting that they wanted you to be on the elite squad and it would've been selfish of me to reject you." He explains and I look to Hanji who nods with a small smile on her face. Levi grabs my hand and I look back towards him to find him smiling at me sweetly, eyes begging. "Don't believe him. You're just beautiful and it's more than he can handle. You're not offering yourself to anyone by being yourself." He says and laces our hand together, making me smile.

"Thank you. Both of you." I respond and they both smile. Hanji leaves as Levi pulls me into a tight hug and something crosses my mind as he pulls away.

"You were attracted to me back then?" I ask and he snorts.

"You're not exactly hard to look at." He shrugs and I pause.

"So, is that why you always let me stay back with you in the office?" I ask and he shakes his head.

"No. I was more curious about you than I was attracted to you." He says with a crooked grin. "I've always been fascinated with you. You're this cute person who is small and sweet and suddenly can kick my ass and save my life when I fall out of a window. You were shy, but still had the balls to stay with me after meetings for basically no reason. You're strong and sensitive. You're sarcastic and considerate, and I don't think you'll ever stop surprising me." He gushes and leans down, pressing a quick kiss to my lips, leaving me completely flustered. He keeps hold of my hand as we start to walk back to the main room.

When we come back out, I look to Hanji to see her next to Erwin, a small smile on her face. Levi's eyebrows furrow and leans down. "Why did Erwin get into that?" He asks curiously and I sigh. 

"Because he's a good guy. Trust me, Levi, he means well." I explain and turn to him to find him still frowning stubbornly. "Please talk to him." I beg and he closes his eyes.

"Okay, but not tonight." He whispers to me and turns, facing me. "Tonight is about you and me." He says and I hold back a snort and a blush at the cheesy line. He bows down in front of me and puts one of his arms behind his back as he offers his other hand to me. "Would you like to dance with me?" He asks and I can't stop the grin from spreading over my face.

"I'd love to." I say and place my hand in his. He leads me to the floor and everybody stops dancing as he brings me forward, clearing a spot. I ignore them the best I can as he stops and lifts our hands, putting one of his hands on my waist and mine finds his neck. He pulls me close as a new, slower song starts to play. The piano plays slowly as he takes the lead, moving us in circles, eyes locked on mine.

 

_Wise men say_

_only fools rush in_

_but I can't help falling in love with you_

 

He spins me around before pulling me in closely so that we're inches apart and I can't even bring myself to breathe as he continues moving us. I can barely do anything but follow his lead under his gaze, so loving it makes me swoon a bit. I allow myself to just go with him movements and step just a bit closer to him.

 

_Shall I stay_

_Would it be a sin_

_If I can't help falling in love with you_

"Sing to me." I ask and he smile for a second before rolling his eyes.

"You know, there are people watching. You sure you want me to?" He asks and I nod.

"Quietly, though. It's just you and me." I request and he lets out a breathy laugh before leaning down a bit more so only I can hear him as he sings along to the music.

 

_Like a river flows_

_Surely to the sea_

_Darling so it goes_

_Some things are meant to be_

 

He dips me suddenly so that I'm nearly falling back, but I feel safe in his arms. He lifts me so that our mouths are barely apart and I sigh as I lose myself as he continues to sing with his lip basically on mine. 

 

_Take my hand,_

_Take my whole life too_

_For I can't help falling in love with you_

 

The song comes to a close and a new, slightly faster tempo one comes on, but Levi and I just stay like that, continuing to dance. I think people are still watching us as we smile at each other like idiots. I don't even care about them, to be honest. Not when Levi is looking down at me with a soft look in his eyes. I recognize the songs and feel as if it's scarily fitting for how I feel about Levi. Like this perfect thing we have could be temporary. It's almost funny when Levi leans down obviously to whisper in my ear. "You sing now." He says and stays so we're close enough for only the other to hear as I actually let myself sing because Erwin's right; I don't show Levi enough of this side of me and I think it's time I did.

 

_I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart_

_But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start_

_You put your arms around me_

_And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go_

_You put your arms around me and I'm home_

 

His eyebrows furrow as he turns to me and I sigh before continuing singing for only him.

_How many times will you let me change my mind and turn around?_

_I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown_

_I hope that you see right through my walls_

_I hope that you catch me 'cause I'm already falling_

_I'll never let our love get so close_

 

I guess he's starting to get what the song means to me and he twirls me around and pulls me tighter than before.

 

_The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved_

_I never wanna leave you but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone_

_You put your arms around me_

_And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go..._

 

His eyes are loving as he looks down at me and I still don't understand it. How did I get so lucky as to get a man like him? Because I have no doubt he loves me, but why? With everything being so up in the air, so undecided, why me?

 

_I try my best to never let you in to see the truth_

_And I've never opened up_

_I've never truly loved till you put your arms around me_

_And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go_

_I hope that you see right through my walls_

_I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling_

_I'll never let our love get so close_

_You put your arms around me and I'm home_

 

The second the song ends, his hands move from my waist to my face as he leans down and presses a kiss on my lips. It's modest, but I can still feel everything he's trying to say, which makes him pulling away almost pointless. "I'm never leaving you, okay? I love you and I want forever..." He's interrupted by a roar of applause and I suddenly remember we're in the middle of a crowd being watched. I can see Armin staring at Levi's hand behind his back with wide eyes and I find myself confused as Levi takes my hand and pulls me out of the room and into an empty hallway. He turns to me and opens his mouth to talk when Annie comes walking through, pushing her hair out of her face. Levi lets out a heavy breath and Annie rolls her eyes.

"Don't get your panties in a twist, Ackerman." She says and keeps walking down the hallway. I turn to Levi to see him looking down at me with a soft smile.

"Eren, I want to ask you..." He starts before we're suddenly interrupted by Isabel walking down the hallway and grabbing my arm.

"I need to talk to you." She begs and Levi actually groans, taking me by surprise. He puts on a tired smile and leans down, kissing my cheek. 

"I'm going to talk to Eld. Find me when you're done, okay?" He says and I nod.

"Okay. Love you." I respond and I don't miss his blush as he tells me he loves me too. I turn to Isabel to see her chewing on her bottom lip, something obviously bothering her. Before I can ask what it is, she spits it out.

"I want to join the military!" She yells, as if it takes all of her effort to get out and my eyes widen. 

"Oh wow. That's great!" I exclaim and she shrugs in concern. 

"I don't know. I've been wanting to talk to you about it ever since I got kidnapped and I just couldn't wait any longer." She says and I smile.

"That's great. You can be enrolled in the academy and..."

"No. That's not what I mean." She stops me and sighs. "I want to go on the mission with you guys. I can do first aid or learn to shoot or..."

"Isabel, that's great, but you need to talk to Erwin about this, not me." I say and she smiles.

"Do you think I can?" She asks honestly and I nod.

"I think so. You'll have to train twice as hard as the others, but you can do it." I answer and she squeaks, throwing her arms around me.

"Thank you!" She yells and I sigh.

"No problem." I answer. We go back to the main ballroom and as soon as I step out, Armin grabs my left arm. He looks down at it then up to my face.

"You should go find Levi." He says with a giddy grin and I look at him in confusion.

"I was just going to. What's going on?" I ask and he shrugs.

"Just... text me later." He responds cryptically before running back over to Jean. I scratch my head in confusion before going to find Levi. I get stared as by almost everyone I pass with smiles similar to Armin's and it's a bit unnerving. When I finally get to Levi, I lace my  hand in his as he continues his conversation. When he finishes it, he turns to me and sighs.

"I'm so done with this." He groans and I laugh.

"Then let's just go home." I suggest and he smiles.

"Good idea." He says, grabbing my hand. We say goodbye to the people here before he leads me to the door. He wraps my arm around my waist as he hails a taxi and I take a moment to realize what I'm about to do. Or at least, what I'm planning on doing. This whole night has thrown me off and I can't help the rush of worry that washes over me. We get in the taxi and drive home, My head on his shoulder and his on top of mine and it helps to calm me. _It's Levi. I can do this. It's just Levi._

When we get back to our apartment, Levi pulls me in by the hand. He turns to me once we get inside and scratches his head. "Well, I wanna change, then I'll make you dinner." He says and a confused chuckle falls out of my mouth.

"But I already ate." I laugh and he shakes his head.

"Bullshit. You barely touched your food and I doubt Isabel actually fed you today." He justifies and I just look at him as he glances back at me, toeing off his shoes. _Just do it now. You can do it now._ He shoots me a confused look as I walk up to him, grabbing his face and pulling him down to my level before kissing him harshly. He freeze in surprise for a second before kissing me back, wrapping his arms around my waist. I blindly lead him to our room and he follows, albeit a but hesitantly. When we finally go in there I pull away and just blurt it out. 

"I want you to make love to me." I say and his eyes widen.

"Are you sure?" He asks and I nod.

"Yeah, I'm sure." I confirm and I blindly unzip my dress, pulling it down to reveal the white lace panties and bra I wore under my dress. I don't miss the way his eyes widen when he sees it. 

"Okay, so, you planned this." He examines nervously and I stop.

"Wait, do you want this? Because I don't want to..." He stops me by walking up to me and crashing his lips on mine. Almost instantly, his tongue slips into my mouth and I know he's not messing around. My arms wrap around his neck as he suddenly picks me up by my thighs, making my legs wrap around him instinctually. He pulls his mouth away for a second and takes a deep breath. 

"I want this too, but you have to remember I'm as new to this as you are, so you tell me when you feel something. If it's good or bad, let me know." He says and I nod before leaning down and kissing him as if he's water in the desert as he instinctually rolls his hips into me, revealing his hard-on. He kisses me back with the same vigor and passion and I start to feel something strange that I've never fully felt before as he sets me down on the bed and starts undoing his tie from above me. It's the same thing that has me rushing to unbutton his shirt, wanting it off as soon as possible. Because god I _want_ him.

He moves his kisses down my neck and chest, not even bothering to stop at my chest and I find myself grateful. His kisses move lower and lower until he reaches the edge of my panties. He looks up to me questioningly and I nod, already knowing what he's going to ask. He starts to take them off carefully, but against my will, my mind flashes to that day. To those cold hands. That awful voice. That despicable...

"Eren?" Levi asks, but it's not enough to take me from my thoughts. His hands don't feel like his. Soft feels painful. The sweat dripping down my face feels like blood. 

_I can't do this._

Suddenly, Levi's hands are on my face, but my eyes aren't opening. I can't unseen it. That storage room, that hallways, all of their faces... I don't even realize I'm shaking until Levi holds me in place.

"Eren, it's not real. You're okay. You're not there. You're with me. I'm not going to hurt you." He reassures me through my flashback and I finally manage to open my eyes. I look to see Levi's blue eyes staring into mine and I try to calm down. I'm laying under him, but he's basically in a plank in an attempt not to touch me as I control my breathing. 

"I'm sorry." I choke out and he shakes his head.

"Don't be. You're just not ready." He says and I wrap my arms around him, pulling him down onto me. 

"I am. I was ready. I wanted to do this for you." I whisper and he shifts his weight so he's laying next to me, one arm around my waist. 

"That's different than being ready for it." He insists as his free hand finds my face, wiping tears I didn't realize where there. He smiles and kisses my nose. "It means everything that you were willing to try. It's okay." He says and I groan.

"No, it's not okay." I whine. "This was going to be your birthday present. I was going to be your first and you were going to be mine and it would've been great, but no, I panic as soon as you lay a hand on me." I rant as tears roll down my face.

"That doesn't matter. Having you here with me is enough of a present." He says and I roll my eyes. 

"You have to say that. You're my boyfriend." I mumble and he laughs.

"But I mean it." He responds, his hand on my cheek turning my face towards him and I see the warm smile on his face that still gives me butterflies. "I love you and you love me. That's all I need." He says and kisses my softly. "It's you and me. That's all I want. Now and after all of this." He insists and I bite my lip.

"Levi?" I whisper and he hums.

"Eren?" He responds and I sigh.

"Do you think everything is going to be okay?" I ask and there's suddenly a pair of arms around me, pulling me close to Levi's bare chest as he lays on his back. 

"I think so." He says and I suddenly feel like the cynical one in the relationship, but that's nothing new. I tilt my head and kiss his neck, cuddling closer into him as he asks something that takes me by surprise. "Do you think so?" He asks and I pause, thinking about how to answer this. He'll know if I lie, but I don't want to be too brutally honest. I can't help it. Nothing has worked out for us until recently and it just feels like a temporary bliss.

"Honestly, I'm scared something will happen." I admit and his hand trails up and down my back. It's a comforting motion, but it mostly helps in keeping me warm.

"So am I, but that's not what I asked." He responds and I look up to see his face, just barely visible in the moonlight reflecting off his face. "I asked if you think it's gonna be okay." He rewords his question, making me sigh happily.

"I hope so." I say and climb on top of his so we're face to face. "I love you, Levi. And I'm scared of losing you." I answer honestly and for the first time, I think he truly understands the depth of what I'm saying. He has a loving smile on his face as he breathes out a laugh.

"No matter what happens, I will always be yours. If I die, know I did it with every intention of being with you for the rest of my life." He says and I close my eyes. 

"Levi..." I start as I try to find the words. "Me too." I say and he nods.

"But that doesn't matter right now." He says with a smile, trying to draw me out of my thoughts, but one becomes so forefront in my mind that it just spills out of my mouth.

"I never thought I would fall in love." I start his face shifts more into confusion before I continue. "My mom always told me I would, but I didn't believe her. I thought I would be alone and I was okay with it. But when I saw you, I was scared too." I say and he frowns as I move my hand to stroke his cheek. "I don't like relying on people. I never have. But, now, I depend on you. And it's still terrifying." I admit and he sighs with a sympathetic smile.

"You really depend on me?" He asks as if surprised by the idea. I nod.

"I love you. I live with you. You keep me sane. You help me make progress. For fucks sake, you just calmed down my panic attack while calming your boner. Everything had changed since I met you and I don't think it could ever go back to normal." I spill my guts and close my eyes in defense, not knowing what to expect. I don't know why, but I don't expect his soft lips pressing against mine. His lips move slowly, not initiating anything, but it's just like our first kiss and I know what he's trying to profess. It's slow, sweet, and long. I honestly don't even know how long we kiss for, but it feels like ages and by the end of it, I'm laying on top of him. He pulls away and presses his forehead to mine.

"Eren, you're everything to me. You make me want to stay alive. You give me a reason to come home and without you, I actually would've died by now. You've saved my life like four times now." He says and my eyebrows furrow.

"When did I save you?" I ask and he laughs as if the question is silly.

"You stopped me from falling off a wall, you stayed back and got yourself hurt so we could leave, and you saved me from bleeding to death." He say and I look down. I didn't even realize I did all of that. Two of the times I've gotten most hurt, I was protecting Levi. But, to be honest, I'd do it all again to have him hold me like this. He has full trust in me and I don't think I have had the same until this point. It's not hope I need; it's trust. And I have to have it in him. That's why it didn't work earlier. I wasn't willing to give up control. But as he looks at me right now with love and companionship, I'm ready.

"I need you to help me with this." I request and his face morphs in confusion.

"With what?" He asks as his hold on me tightens.

"Trusting you. I already trust you, but I need to trust that everything really will be okay." I say and he smiles.

"I'll try." He answers and I lean down to kiss him. This kiss is slow, but different than any of our others. His tongue slips into my mouth and my back just arches onto him. It's natural as his hands move down to my butt, just resting on them, but I push it into his hands. It's pure desire, not rushed like before. Nothing about it is forced as I suddenly feel a throbbing down there for the first time, making me shiver. When I break the kiss, he just lays there with his eyes closed for a couple of moments, just catching his breath and I don't think I've ever seen anything sexier in my life. He opens his eyes and I lean my forehead against his and sigh. 

"Then let's try this again." I say and his eyes widen.

"You really don't have to." He insists and I nod.

"I know. We'll try together. It'll be okay." I reassure both of us. Because it will be okay. "But we both need to do this." I say, undoing the button of his pants. I can't just be here in nothing but a bra and panties and expect for this to work. This is about both of us, not just him or not just me. I press my lips to his as I push down his pants and underwear. He blindly takes them off as he kisses me back with the same emotion as before and I suddenly feel safer knowing that I'm not the only one exposed. 

I decide to take the lead, moving my lips to his neck and latching on. He moans a bit as I start kissing down him and I know he's enjoying it by the sudden hard-on right by my ass. I move down, so I'm seated behind it as I kiss down Levi's chest and wow, penises are not pretty. Not that I expected it to be, honestly I expected it to be worse, but it's so _big_. I take his large erection in my hand and he groans loudly as I move my kisses closer to where my hand is. I may not know much about this, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try. And Levi seems to be loving it as I press a kiss to the tip of his erection. 

"Fuck, Eren..." He moans as I lick up the underside, right on the vein and I know I did something right. It may not be the hottest thing, giving Levi a blow job, but his reactions are as I look up to see him breathing heavily, eyes closed and head back against the bed. It has something deep in me stirring as I suck on the head of his cock. He grunts from above me, obviously not prepared for that and it's actually so sexy. I move my head down onto him and rather enjoy the moans he makes. It's almost odd that pleasing him turns me on more than when he was pleasing me. I take an experimental suck and he jerks so he's sitting upright. "Oh my god." He groans, hands threading into my hair. I go up and down on him and he throws his head back as I continue. I do this for awhile until he uses his grip on my hair to pull me off of him. I look up at him in confusion as he catches his breath. "If you don't stop now, I'll cum." He explains before kissing me. He puts his thigh between my legs and I can barely stop myself from grinding onto it as he starts kissing down my body. This time, when he down there, I don't panic. I do, in fact, gasp as he licks over my hole.

He wraps his lips around my lips down there and practically kisses me, opening me up and making me moan. I can feel myself dripping into him mouth and I wonder how he can keep at that but fuck, it feels so good. Especially when his tongue slips inside of me. "Levi!" I yell, my hands finding his hair and fisting it. He licks down there for awhile longer before he pulls away. 

"Would you be okay if I finger you?" He asks, mood changing from arousal into worry, but I can't help but just stare at him. His pupils are blown out and he's breathing heavy. He's practically glowing in sweat and wow, he's really a beautiful guy. I'm so lucky to have him, especially as he makes sure I'm okay before taking it further. I nod and he smiles. "Okay." He says and moves back down. He rubs his finger around the entrance as a secondary warning, but I grind down on him and he takes the hint before slowly pushing it into my hole. I moan embarrassingly loud at that. He moves his finger in and out as he suddenly sucks on my clit, making my back arch. "Yes, Levi!" I scream, finding myself surprisingly close. Before I can voice that, he slips in a second finger and I cum with a loud moan.

After a second of regaining composure, I pull Levi up to me and kiss him, moving him on top of me. He kisses me back, quickly slipping his tongue into my mouth and I moan. I pull away from him, keeping eye contact as I wrap my legs around his waist. His hands instinctually find my hips and he leans his forehead against mine. 

"Are you sure?" He asks and I nod.

"I'm ready if you are." I answer and he sighs before pressing a kiss to my lips. He breaks the kiss before slowly pushing into me and _wow_ , he's big. He takes pauses, letting me adjust before pushing in more. When he's all the way in, my eyes fall shut.

"Oh my god." I moan and he kisses me.

"You okay?" He asks and I nod.

"You feel so good." I respond and he chuckles, but it turns into a bit of a groan.

"Open your eyes. It's okay." He says and I comply, smiling and kissing him.

"I'm fine. You're just really big." I respond and he laughs.

"Thanks, I think?" He chuckles and I laugh too. 

"Yes, it's good." I say and he gains a bit more composure, but he still has his crooked grin on his face.

"You're beautiful." He blurts and I see by the way his eyes widen he didn't mean to say that, so of course, he starts stuttering. While _in_ me. "That was so corny, I'm sorry, I just love you and you look..." I grab the back of his neck, pulling him into a kiss. He sighs a laugh before kissing me back, smile on his face. He nips on my bottom lip while I honestly start to lose it under him. I break away, whimpering from how turned on I am.

"Please move." I moan and he complies, pulling out before pushing in, making me groan loudly. He pulls out again before pushing back in, a bit harder this time.

"Yes!" I yell and he continues that. In and out for awhile and I'm just so full of him. When I said he was big, that wasn't for flattery. And he's above me, grunting and groaning as he pushes in and out of me, and clenching and I almost moan at just the sight alone. His hair sticks to his forehead and he's practically shining in the moonlight. _And I'm the beautiful one?_

He fills me again before pulling out and pushing back in, hitting somewhere in me that makes me scream. "Yes, Levi, yes!" I scream as I run my nails down his back and he groans from above me as he picks up his pace. There's a buildup in my stomach as one of his hand move down to play with my clit and _oh my god._

"I'm close." I try to say, but I moan it out instead and he nods. 

"Me too." He responds, sounding so overwhelmed and on edge. With one last pump, I'm seeing white as pleasure washes over me. I squeeze around Levi and he cums in me. He just sits there for a minute, breathing heavily before pulling out. He grimaces before kissing my nose.

"Sorry about that." He says, but I honestly couldn't care less. I pull him down to me for a much lazier kiss. It's a bit sloppy, but we're both smiling into it as I wrap my arms around his neck. He pulls away just stares at me for a second, making me blush.

"What?" I ask and he just presses a quick kiss to my lips.

"I love you so much." He responds as if it's a suitable answer, but it has me blushing even more.

"I love you, too." I say and he kisses me again. This time when he pulls away though, his face is a bit less giddy and a bit more worried. I raise an eyebrow and he sighs.

"Nothing." He says as he lays down next to me, pulling me into his arms, but I'm not taking that. I turn to him and I know I probably have a bitch stare on my face, because he finally gives in. "I am scared. I'm really scared. Like, I'm finally at a point where I don't want anything to change, but I know it could all end so easily. I don't want to be, but I'm terrified." He explains himself and I nod, blindly finding his hand and lacing it with mine.

"I understand." I admit, nuzzling into his chest. "But... I think we can make it." I say for the first time with honesty. We can make it. I know we can. We just have to stay safe. He sighs and smiles, pressing a kiss to my forehead.

"I think so too." He murmurs and I smile to. We're going to make it. _I know we will._


	34. Taken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this sudden? Yes. Yes it is. 
> 
> Btw, it's a two chapter night. I hope you enjoy.... Well, maybe now enjoy.

I wake up the next day to a pair of warm arms around me and a smile spreads on my face as I remember the night before. I sigh and turn my face upwards to see Levi's still sleeping one and he seems as peaceful as I feel. He breathes softly as I fall in love with him all over again, seeing the way he simply is. The rise and fall of his chest, his godawful bedhead, the upturn of his lips he gets naturally in his sleep as if it's a secret that I get the privilege to see. His arms holding me tightly as if protecting me without even thinking about it as his eyes as they flicker open and his smile grows as the fog lifts from them. And wow, do I love this man. "Good morning, Love." I say and he chuckles. 

"What a wonderful way to wake up." He murmurs and I pull him close with the arms wrapped around his neck. 

"I could say the same. You're beautiful when you sleep." I admit and he actually laughs a little bit.

"You're so cheesy." He says and I kiss his lips.

"You are too, so it's okay." I sigh and he chuckles.

"So... last night happened." He says softly and I nod.

"That, it did." I agrew and I kiss him again. "And it was amazing." I confess and he smiles.

"Good. Because I was kind of worried I sucked." He admits and I giggle.

"Technically, you did suck." I say and he groan.

"That was awful." He laughs and I do too. We end up just laying around and making out for a little while before he decides to get up and make us food. I stay laid down in bed for awhile and text Armin the update.

 

 _From Ar_ \- YOU DID IT?!

 _To Ar_ \- Yeah:)

 _From Ar_ \- That's great, oh my god. How did it go?

 _To Ar_ \- Well. Very well.

 _From Ar_ \- I want details soon. You enjoy your time with your fiancé.

 

I pause at that and look at my phone for probably a good ten minutes before answering.

 

 _To Ar_ \- FIANCÉ? 

 _From Ar_ \- I thought you two were engaged...

 _To Ar-_ WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?!

 

After I press send, Levi walks into the room with two plates of eggs and toast before moving next to me and sitting down. He leans in to kiss me, but I move away. "Do people think we're engaged?" I ask and his eyes widen.

"I don't know. Do they?" He asks as he hands me a plate. I set it to the side and look at him.

"Armin just called you my fiancé." I say and he shrugs.

"I mean, I guess I get how they'd think that, but I haven't proposed and neither of us have said anything about it." He states as he takes a bite of his eggs and I find myself surprised that he's taking this so lightly.

"Does anyone else think we are?" I ask and he shrugs.

"Maybe Farlan, I don't know." He says and shoves another bite into his mouth. He must see my surprised look because he swallows and sets his plate down. "It's not that big of a deal. I don't plan on this being temporary and I don't think you do either, so it's like we're engaged." He justifies and I shrug.

"I mean, I guess that makes sense." I admit and he smiles before pressing a peck to my lips.

"Don't worry about it too much." He mutters against my mouth and I nod.

"Okay." I say with a grin and kiss him again because for the first time, it crosses my mind that this really has a chance to be my forever. I really can marry him someday. He nips at my bottom lip and right when I'm starting to think we might have another round of last night, my phone rings next to me, making me groan. I pull away from Levi, picking up my phone and seeing it's Armin. I pick it up and groan loudly enough for him to hear.

"What do you want?" I ask as Levi starts kissing my neck, making me have to hold back a giggle. It's only when he starts talking do I realize that this is serious.

"Erwin wants you to come to HQ. He found some things in Reiner and Bert's room." He explains with a bit of hesitation and yeah, that can kill a mood.

"Okay, I'll be right there." I say and hang up. Levi pulls away from me, looking at me in confusion.

"What's up?" He questions as I move to get up and I sigh.

"They found something on Reiner and Bert. I have to go." I explain and he frowns.

"Do you want me to come for support?" He asks and I smile at his concern.

"I'll be fine, thank you though." I say, leaning down to kiss him and he smiles back, still a bit worried.

"You sure?" He makes sure and I nod.

"Besides, do you really want to come in with sex hair?" I ask and his eyes widen.

"Do I really?" He responds and I giggle.

"Maybe." I say, quickly walking to the bathroom before he can, but he follows. He towers over me at the door and I just grin up at him.

"Do I really?" He repeats and my smile grows.

"And you have scratch marks on your back." I say and he growls in fake anger.

"You brat." He snarls and I just lean up and press a kiss to his lips.

"Calm down." I demand and he groans.

"Fine." He whines like a child, but I kiss him again and that has him smiling. I walk into the bathroom, giggling, and he stands behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist as I brush my teeth. "So, what do you wanna do when you get back?" He asks and I spit before answering.

"I don't know. Movie night? Something that doesn't involve makeup or a bra." I say and he laughs.

"Fine by me." He responds and kisses my cheek. "I think you're prettier without, anyways." He says and I roll my eyes.

"If last night was anything to go by, you're lying. You were gawking at me while I was all dressed up." I rebut and he shrugs.

"That's because I'm not used to it. And don't pretend like you weren't checking me out just because I was wearing a tie." He sasses and I smile.

"I'm pretty sure I always check you out." I admit and he nods in agreement.

"You have a point." He says with a chuckle and I finish washing my face. He's leaning against the doorframe with a worried look on his face as he actually checks me out. Before I can ask about the sudden change, he fills me in. "You're getting pretty thin again." He observes and I roll my eyes.

"I'm fine, Levi." I laugh. It's true that I have gotten thinner, but I can't really help it. I can't gain weight and eating is honestly just hard for me sometimes. He still frowns, but kisses my forehead after I walk over to him.

"Okay, but you're eating tonight. Like, a lot. You need to makeup for last night." He commands and I nod.

"Fine..." I groan and he smiles as I walk past him, going to find clothes. I'm glad I actually took a shower last night, unlike a certain someone who goes to check his phone as I start to change. He hums in surprise as he slides it open.

"Hanji texted me. She said she needs to talk to me about something." He says as I pull on a shirt.

"See, you have to stay here anyways. It's our last day off." I explain and he sighs.

"And you have to go in to work." He complains and I smile.

"It's okay. I want to find out about this." I say and he nods.

"I get it, don't worry." He sighs and I pull on my pants. I walk over to Levi and wrap my arms around his neck, moving to straddle him.

"I'll be back soon." I whisper against his lips and he pecks mine.

"Okay." He says, pressing another kiss to my lips and if he keeps this up, I'll never go. I move out of his lap, going to the room outside and grabbing my shoes. He follow me and leans against the doorway to our room, running a hand through his hair. I smile at him before opening the door. 

"Bye, I love you." I call and he smiles.

"I love you, too." He responds and I leave with a smile plastered to my face despite what I'm about to do. Sure I'm not thrilled about this, but it's something that needs to happen and honestly, I feel on top of the world right now. I walk to HQ since it's only a few blocks away. It might not be the fastest option, but I'm not making Levi drive me 2 miles. That's just stupid.

I get to HQ and go inside, walking the hallway down to Reiner and Bert's room. I don't know if I'm really prepared for what I'll see, but I know it'll be okay. It has to be okay.

When I get to the room, I find Erwin, Armin, and surprisingly, Mikasa there. The room looks basically torn apart, Mikasa using a laptop while sitting on the mattress on the floor. Armin is staring at a picture with a confused look on his face and Erwin is shifting through a variety of paper from the closer, I'm about to ask what's going on when Mikasa talks.

"Got it." She says and Erwin walks over to her.

"Great. Any way you can get into the camera's too?" He asks and Mikasa nods. Erwin turns to walk back to the closet when he notices me. "Eren, there you are. So, we found some files in he closet, like the ones you brought back from the mission, but not about people. It's about their bases. Mikasa was able to find the exact location of each of them, but we don't know what happens at each of them right now." He informs me and I smile.

"It's progress though." I respond and he nods.

"Yes, but there seems to be something they're after." He says and walks over to the closet, pulling out a file. I look up at him again and he nods, handing it to me and I notice the name on it. My name. I open the file to find all of my information from my high school to my favorite food. I look at it a bit longer before closing it, glancing back at Mikasa.

"Do they have one for you?" I ask her and she turns to me before shaking her head. 

"That's another thing. Armin thinks there has to be someone else here. It doesn't make sense that Grisha would just go after you, even if I was adopted. Mom always said he was the one who brought it up." She says, looking down at the computer. "But you said Grisha looked surprised to see you, which leave me confused. I'm trying to hack into their system to see if I can find a motive, but as of right now, it's just seems like world domination and then you're involved someone." She explain and I take a second before answering, trying to wrap my head around it, but I can't.

"How am I involved in all of this?" I think out loud and Armin sets down the picture he had been staring at.

"I'm not sure, but something seems off. It doesn't make sense that Grisha just let you get away. If he wanted you killed, he would've done it." He adds to my confusion.

"Then why did Reiner try to kill me?" I inquire and everybody turns to me.

"What?" Armin asks, face pale and Erwin's phone rings as I realize how little they really know about what happened.

"Hey Hanji." Erwin say, voice confused and I look to him in time to see him freeze up. "Yeah, I'll tell them." He responds to whatever Hanji said and hangs up his phone, worry plastered to his face. Before any of us can ask what's happening, he tells us. And I wish he hadn't.

"It's Levi. He's been taken."


	35. Gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I'm sorry.

I don't think I've ever been this shocked. It's like I'm literally frozen in place. I feel all the eyes in the room fall on me, but I can't bring myself to even think about that or them. Because I can't even think. 

Mikasa wraps her arms around me and pulls my head to her shoulders. It's so hard to breathe. Her shirt is moist against my face and it takes what feels like hours to realize I'm the one making her shirt wet as I allow myself to fall completely on Mikasa.

"It's okay." She whispers and I don't weep or sob. My face is unchanging, in her shoulder, as tears just pour out.

"How? How did it..."

"We don't know. Hanji searched everywhere. He's gone." Erwin's voice says softly, snapping me. My sense of shock from before is gone and I turn to him, glaring as I walk.

"How the fuck did this happen? How did we not know?" I don't even recognize my voice, sounding so filled with rage. I know I shouldn't direct it towards Erwin, but he's the nearest punching bag.

His eyes widen and his breath staggers a bit and I suddenly regret that decision.

"I don't know. I don't know." He repeats to the air and I realize he's as lost as I am.

"Sorry." I rasp and he nods, surprising me completely and pulling me into a hug and it helps if just a little.

"We're gonna find him." He says and I shake my head.

"No. This is my battle. No one else is getting hurt." I say and his chest puffs against my face.

"Eren, that's not smart." He says and I move away from him.

"And letting everyone else get hurt because of me is?" I say and he closes his eyes.

"This isn't your fault. You're not responsible for your father's actions." He says and I shake my head. 

"Even if that is true, he's after me. Let me be the one to handle this." I say and Mikasa pulls my arm so I'm facing her. 

"Eren..."

"Wait." Armin says as he picks up a picture from Bert's night stand he was looking at before. It's a childhood picture of him and Reiner, but Armin is staring intently again at it like there might be more to it. His eyes widen and suddenly he's working on taking out the back of the frame. The three of us move behind him to look and I feel my stomach drop when he pulls the picture out of the frame. It was folded back so you couldn't see the third person in the picture.

Annie.

Armin and I turn to Mikasa to see her face of sheer shock. "No... she couldn't have done it." She says, staring at the picture before she suddenly rips her phone out of her pocket. She quickly opens it and dials, putting it on speaker as her free hand covers her mouth. A calm voice answers.

"Hey babe." Annie says nonchalantly and I can't help but worry. I've heard indifferent voices say awful, _awful_ things. 

"A-Annie... a-are you-u from..." Is all she gets out before Armin takes the phone from her hand.

"The gig's up, Annie. What are you doing with Levi?" He asks and Annie laughs.

"Took you long enough. Well, I have instructions for you, so I guess I have to go through that." She says and by the time she finishes that sentence, Erwin and I are both reaching for the phone, but I beat him to it.

"What did you do with him, you fucker?" I practically growl and judging by the looks on everyone's faces, no one is taking the phone from me anytime soon. She chuckles.

"I'm getting to that. He's only been knocked out. When he wakes up, he will be put in our prison. Now listen closely: you can't come after him. If we find out you're anywhere near our territory, we'll kill him where he stands." She says and my heart stops. Erwin runs a hand through his hair so harshly that it looks painful, Armin just stares with wide eyes, and Mikasa looks like she's about to pass out.

"Why are you doing this?" Mikasa almost whispers. 

"You left me no choice. Eren killed the only family I had left." She says and I snap.

"Bullshit! What about us?! We were your family, too! And you think I wanted to kill them?! I didn't have a choice! Bert fucking tried to rape me and Reiner killed Connie and Marco and tried to kill me too! He shot Connie in the head and literally tore Marco apart and left them to die! Did they mean nothing to you?! Do you feel anything?!" I scream. This whole time I thought maybe she did have emotions and maybe she did love people but I was so wrong. There's a pause on the other line before she sighs. 

"I'm following orders. You should too." She says before the line goes dead and all I can see is red. Before anyone can say anything, I chuck Mikasa's phone at the wall, shattering it.

I look to Armin and Mikasa and to find both of them staring at me with dumbfounded looks on their faces and I realized I hadn't told either of them about what happened during the mission. No one knew it was Bert that hurt me or that Reiner killed the other two except Sasha, Farlan, and Levi, but only partially. They all had pieces missing, but they're the only ones who knew. Even Erwin has a sadly concerned look on his face and I think I understand as it all really hits me. 

Annie betrayed us and Levi's gone.

And suddenly I'm sprinting out of the room. I can't be in there. Not now. No, I have to go home and see it with my own eyes. I have to go home. As soon as I leave the room, I notice how all of our friends are standing just outside of the room as if they had come to listen in and they're staring with similar looks that Mikasa and Armin had had, but I push past them. A hand on my shoulder tries to stop me, but I break through it, not caring who tried to stop me. I rush out of the building, ignoring everyone who says my name to stop me with concerned looks on their face. I don't need concern. I need Levi. 

And that's what stops me from going out the front doors of headquarters. I need him. And he's gone. It feels like everything around me is closing in on me. There are people around me and I'm not sure if I'm blocking the door or they're worried about me. It's like my brain won't work. I can't move at all, except for when my legs give out from under me. Hands hover over me as I fall to my knees. It's hard to breathe. I can't even think normally and my body fights me to the point I can't move.

Because he's gone. 

_He's gone._

 

 

____________________________

 

 

All of our friends end up coming back to the apartment with me. They help me move and make sure I don't fall when I walk on my own. I just feel off. Like nothing is quite where it should be even though only one thing is out of place. 

Well, that's what I thought until I got home.

Everything is torn apart. All of the rooms look destroyed as if they had rummaged through everything to find something, leaving nothing unsearched. Hanji is pacing frantically, phone pressed to her ear as she makes calls to try to find Levi, obviously not ready to give up and I can't help but feel hopeful at that.

Everybody starts looking around to see if there's a sign of where he went or a note. Isabel, Armin, and I go to search our room. Isabel is obviously holding back tears and Armin isn't letting me out of his sight. He's having Sasha watch Mikasa so he can follow me closely.

As soon as I walk in, I almost collapse again. Everything is all over the place. His clothes are all over the room, his covers are thrown off the bed, and there's a broken lamp in the corner. There's a bit of blood on the wall and I don't even want to think about where that's from. Isabel turns to me and grabs my hand.

"You don't have to stay if you don't want to. Go to Petra's or..."

"I found a note." Armin says somberly as he opens the one in his hands. His eyes widen as he reads it and he lowers it from his face with uneasy breath. "Well... it's not a ransom note." His voice cracks as he speaks and Isabel takes the note from him, keeping it out of my sight. She gasps and frowns deeply.

"Eren, you should probably go." She says and I shake my head.

"What is it?" I ask and neither of them move. Isabel tries to move past me, but I grab her arm before she can. 

"What are you guys not telling..." I stop when Isabel suddenly walks over to the dresser and picks something up. She looks to Armin who nods before walking over to me.

"This is for you." She says and hands me the note and a small black box with velvet outside and I'm frozen in place. Because I know what a little black box like this means. I don't even need to open it to know what it is. 

And suddenly it makes sense why Levi was acting weird this morning. I don't realize I'm falling again until a jolt goes up my back from landing, but it isn't painful. No, I feel numb. This numb feeling fills me and I can't really move. He was going to propose. It was our first step to forever and it was just ripped from us. I don't even know what I'm doing until I drop the items and get up to go outside. _I need air. I need to get out of here. I need to calm down and not think about how that could never happen for us._

I go outside and sit down on the front porch, wrapping my arms around my legs and hiding my face. I can't face the world right now. I let out a staggered breath as the magnitude of the situation hits me. There's no reason for him to be kept alive, is there? I don't know which one I'd rather have. He could be dead, or he could be alive and tortured. A broken sob rips through me at the thought and just like that I'm weeping loudly. An arm wraps around me has my jolting up. I look to see that it's Hanji, smiling sadly to me and I know she's run out of options. Erwin and Farlan are behind, obviously not knowing what to do. I hate the pity in their looks but I can't deny I probably look pitiful to them. Hanji wraps her arms around me and I continue to sob into her shoulder. Farlan comes to the other side of me and hugs me while Erwin sits next to Hanji, rubbing her shoulder. The sobs don't stop for what seems like hours before I'm just sitting there, seemingly calm, but actually going insane. My muscles fight me as I try to move and they win. My mind is finally too weak to fight. 

The only way I'm able to move is when Armin comes and picks me up, bringing me to Levi and my room and my lungs decide not to work properly. It all just reminds me of him. His pillow still has a dent where his head should be. The whole room has a distinct smell that could only ever be his. And I can't help but think he should be laying on the bed, laying under the covers. He should have his kind smile on his face that he only learned to do during our months together. He should have bed head and say my name softly like he does whenever I cry. But he's not.  He's somewhere far from me and if the box still laying on the floor says anything, he wasn't planning on ever leaving. No, he didn't plan on leaving. He didn't plan on being taken. He didn't plan to...

"Eren? Can you hear me right now?" He asks in a voice similar that you would talk to a baby and somehow, I still can't respond. I force myself to nod, but it takes a good thirty seconds to function my body in any way. "Do you want me to leave you here, or should I stay? I can get Mikasa and we can stay in here." He says and with nearly all the effort I have at the moment, I speak. 

"Don't leave me in here." I say and he pauses for a moment before his eyes widen in understanding.

"Sorry, that was stupid of me." I say and I shake my head.

"It's okay." I nearly whimper through the pain and he carries me out, taking me to Isabel's old room. He lays me down and leaves, coming back minutes later with Mikasa and she comes over and lays in front of me with water soaked eyes. She's hurting too and I feel bad for the fact she's not getting any support with it, but it's not her fault. She just fell in love with the wrong person. I wrap my arms around her neck as Armin settles behind me and joins in the hug. 

We lay like that for awhile before Armin orders food on his non-broken phone and Mikasa finds some day-after-Christmas shit on tv before cuddling next to me. When the food comes, they basically force me to eat, despite my protests.

After awhile of watching random movies and them making me eat, I finally choke out a question.

"Can I see the note?" I ask and Mikasa looks at Armin who looks at me for a second before nodding and getting up. He goes into the room and comes back out with it folded in his hand. He hands it to me and I look at it for a second. Do I really want to do this to myself? Should I read it or wait until... he comes back? Will he come back? _Oh, god, what if he doesn't come back?_ With that thought in my head, I open the letter.

 

_I know I told you I'd formally ask you out, but I guess I'm skipping that step because honestly, we are far past that. I still remember the moment I fell in love with you. It was when you fell on me on the rooftop, laughing hysterically. And after everything we talked about that night, I knew I could never let you go. So, maybe this is a bit drastic so soon, but this is the only way I could think to do this. I want forever with you. Please marry me._

 

I start sobbing as soon as I read the last line. Mikasa plucks the letter from my hand and by the time she's done reading it, she's covering her mouth with her free hand and her eyes are shut. Armin moves next to me and holds me as I start to full-on weep. Mikasa moves to the other side of me and wraps her arms around both of us, face emotionless, but I know she's just conflicted. I don't blame her. The women she loves just kidnapped her sister's boyfri... fiancé. I guess that makes him my fiancé. My shoulders shutter and my crying become audible and god, I wish I could go back to this morning when everything was perfect and I was laying in bed with my boyfriend who I knew was _alive_. _Dammit, I don't even know if she meant it when she said he wasn't dead._

"He can't die!" I let out a sob and Armin just pulls me tighter, bringing Mikasa too and sighs.

"He's not dead." He says and Mikasa sighs.

"We don't know that. She's lied before." She deadpans and _fucking thanks, Mikasa, you're really fucking helpful right now._ My crying increases at the justification of my thoughts and I just want Levi. I know how stupid that sounds but I want him back. I want him to hold me and to know he's alright; to feel his heartbeat against my chest. But I can't. He's gone.

He's gone.

And just like that, nothing is okay.

 


	36. All Because of Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here this is...

That night, I have a nightmare. It's about Levi. I'm forced to just sit there and watch as Levi is tortured. I watch as people hurt him, drawing patterns into his skin with knife points, pulling out fingernails, punching, kicking, just tearing him apart.

It feels like hours of this until I'm abruptly pulled out of the moment and into the real world where Armin has literally slapped me awake. I look up at him with wide eyes for probably about two seconds before I remember the cause of the nightmare. _Right, he's gone._ I notice how raw my throat feels. Calming myself, I rasp out a question.

"I was screaming, wasn't I?" I ask and he nods, looking at me oddly.

"Is this normal?" He rebuts as if it's perfectly strange that I wake up screaming, but little does he know that most of my squad has trouble sleeping.

"Yeah." I answer shortly as he starts to move off of me. I get up, walking away from them him and Mika to the bathroom. I splash cold water on my face, trying to get myself to a state of calm even though I'm nothing but. Even so, I need to be. Training starts today and the invasion is happening soon and... 

"Eren?" Mikasa peaks her head in and I turn to her.

"What time is it?" I ask and she ignores my question.

"Erwin told Armin to tell you to take  today and tomorrow off to rest. Come back to sleep." She says gently and I shake my head. No, sleep is the last thing I need right now.

"I'm going back today." I conclude and she sighs.

"What's wrong? Talk to me." She says and I paused, considering her question. What is wrong with me? I was bawling last night, but now I feel nothing. Numb. Just like I was last time. All I know is that I know I can change it this time. And I can't do that without doing something.

"I can't keep sitting around waiting for something to happen." I answer and she blinks.

"Eren, we can't do anything. If we do, they kill Levi." Mikasa reminds me and I nod.

"I know, so we need to get a plan and the longer we wait, the more they do to him and the more they plan against us." I explain.

"You just got better. You really shouldn't push it." She tries again and I sigh.

"I get you're worried, but I have to do this, Mika." I say, grabbing her hand. "My squad is missing their captain. They can't have me missing just because I'm sad." I insist and she sighs.

"He's more that just a captain to you." She responds and I stop.

"That's why I have to save him." I tell her and she nods.

"Do you want me to grab clothes for you then?" She asks with a sigh and I smile.

"Thank you." I answer and she pulls me into a quick hug.

"Just be careful. I can't lose you too." She says and I kiss her cheek.

"You know I will." I reply and she sighs. She pulls away and moves towards the door before turning around.

"You should wear the ring, though." She says out of the blue and I pause.

"But he hasn't technically..."

"Wear it as a promise ring. Until he can propose." She insists, walking out of the room before I can answer. I get ready for the day before driving with the other two to headquarters. When we get there, I notice how the doors are being watched by guards and I don't know if that relieves me or scares me, but I shove that away. Numb is good right now, save feelings until later. I rub the ring on my left, middle finger and sigh. This is for him. Stay strong for him.

I go to the normal meeting place and as soon as the door pens, the room falls silent. I can only hear the squeak of my shitty running shoes o the wooden floor as I take my normal seat and take everything in. It's the first meeting since the last mission and It's just Farlan, Eld Gunther, Oluo, and I. Automatically, I shrug. "So, it looks like we have some spots to fill." I say, ignoring the tense atmosphere. Everyone turns to me in shock at my unfeelingness except for Farlan. Only he truly understands what I'm going through. He nods.

"I'll talk to Pixis about who he recommends, but I know we have two people who want to join." He responds and I turn to him.

"Who?" I ask and he sighs.

"Isabel and Jean. I told Isabel if she even wants a chance, she has to work her ass off until the mission, but I think Jean would be a good addition." He explains and Eld sighs loudly.

"I didn't think it would happen so fast." He says and Gunther nods as Oluo groans.

"This is sick." He exclaims, surprising us all. "You've been on two missions, four of our men died, Levi's basically a goner, and yet you're still willing to do this? You're both young. Get out while you can." He begs and the other two stare at him in shock while Farlan and I look down. For people with more experience than us, they know nothing. 

"Listen, What he means is that we know it's personal for you two and..."

"No Gunther, it's _been_ personal." Farlan snaps and I turn to him. "I had the love of my life almost die from injuries she got while getting raped. Some of my best friends have died. Now the man who saved my life is kidnapped. It's been fucking personal. And for fuck's sake, Eren has been assaulted, shot, she's had to kill people! She didn't have a choice bit not to fight before; She had a bullet injury which is why she was off, which, might I mention, is the second time in four months..."

"Stop." I say quietly. I have to stay in control of myself here. I can't break. Not now. "I'm lucky. No, I've been to hell and came out. It's been personal ever since the first mission." I explain. "But then I saw my Mom. And Marco and Connie. Then everything with Reiner and Bert..." I trail off, fighting back flashbacks. "Now, it's not just personal. This isn't about me. This is about the fucking country. We're going to be under attack if we don't do something. And we have to save Levi. He's hopefully still alive and we may be able to save him. It's anything _but_ personal now. It's about anyone but us." I explain, looking up to them. "We're going to save him, but this isn't just about him or any of us. We have to _end_ this." I end with a finality that silences everyone. Because I'm right. I refuse to lose. We will save everyone and him and it'll be okay. Even if I don't end up okay. I'm taken aback when Oluo speaks up.

"You're a good women, Eren." He whispers. "Better than any of us are. You're able to keep a clear mind while wearing the ring he got you. I think you should lead us for now." He announces and my eyes widen.

"That's not a good idea." I admit and Farlan shakes his head.

"Eren, you're perfect for this. You're strong and smart and you have something to fight for." He justifies and I hate how weak I feel as a tear runs down my face.

"It's not big of me. It's not strength. I refuse to let anyone else get hurt because of me." I murmur, looking up to Farlan to see the pain in his eyes to as I compose myself. "It's not smart. I've been argued that I can act pretty stupid. But, I do have something to fight for. Someone, I should say. But that doesn't matter. If I have to die to save him and everyone else, I will." I admit and he shakes his head. 

"Eren..." 

"Eren!" A new voice says as the door bursts open. It's Historia, Petra, and Mikasa. They pause as they notice the walked in on something kind of important, but I wave them in.

"What is it?" I ask and Petra opens her laptop.

"We figured out where he is." She announces and they all perk up, but I don't miss her hesitance.

"Where is he?" I proceed with caution and she glances to the side before answering me, looking me dead in the eye.

"He's in Shingashia." She informs us and the room freezes again. He's there?

"He's as good as dead, isn't he?" Farlan asks and Petra shakes her head.

"No. I think he's still alive. They have their most protected prison there." She says and Mikasa nods.

"But I think something is going on over there. The only thing I've been able to hack into there is a security camera for a shop in their town square. And it wasn't pretty what I saw." She explains and opens her own computer and I can't help but worry. I didn't even know they had a town, let alone supporters. That terrifying, to think they have a city full of supporters. But when Mikasa plays a clip, I realize they might not have supporters.

The kids and adults are all in uniform, red shirts and grey pants. The walk around in what seems to be a farmer's market, in peace, but something is off. Everybody walks stiffly, constantly looking over their shoulders. Their faces are flat and they don't talk to each other, only speaking when they are making business. 

Suddenly, a little boy with orange hair runs through the yard, grabbing an apple from a stand and sprinting. Everyone else freezes and I suddenly wonder why they seem to fear the little boy. He was frail, almost underweight. He couldn't put up a fight.

Especially when three guard come out of hiding.

I hadn't even notice that they had been standing in the corners, watching closely. I watch as one of them catches up to the boy, kicking him down. Another comes up and hits him with some bat-like thing as the citizens watch in fear and I suddenly realize something.

"They aren't supported. They're feared. By their own people." I say, watching as the boy gets his arm broken, wanting to look away, but I can't. It's just so.. cruel. I can't imagine he's much older than ten, and they're just beating him ruthlessly. Mikasa pauses the video and turns to me as she opens another file. 

"I think that's where you come in." She cues herself as she pulls up an article. I read the title and my eyes widen.

"This is about me." I state the obvious and Farlan takes the computer, quickly scanning the article.

"Damn, these people really like you." He says in a bit of surprise and I turn to Mikasa.

"They heard that you took down one of their leaders and now you're all they can talk about." She explains and I suddenly find it's hard to breathe.

"But that wasn't even on purpose. I didn't want to kill him and hell, I didn't even know who he was!" I responds and she nods.

"But they don't know that." She hints and my eyebrows furrow.

"So, why do they want me?" I pick up on her hint and she sighs.

"I think the head Titans want you to be their face. Someone that the public supports. Even if they have to blackmail you into it." She explains and Oluo groans.

"It makes sense now! That's why they took Levi." He exclaims and my heart stop. No. This wasn't...

"...Because of me?" I ask in shock and he nods as if he's finally figured it out.

"They're trying to get to you so they took they person who you care most about. It makes sense, especially if Annie saw him propose at the ball." He says and my eyes widen.

"He _what?_ " I cry out and the room freezes as if everybody else has figured this out and I haven't.

"Didn't he..."

"No." Farlan stops him, pinching the bridge of his nose. "He never proposed. He was planning on it, but Eren had other plans for his birthday." He tells the whole room and I blush.

"I didn't... I..."

"It's not you're fault. He thought he had time but..."

"But he didn't." I cut him off. _I knew it. I knew I should've ended it all that time ago. I knew I should've cut him off. He shouldn't have gotten close to me. Dammit, why didn't he listen! He could be dead because of..._

"Eren, why are you crying?"

_He could be dead because of me._

"I... I'll be back." I say, getting up and leaving the room without saying another word.

 

 

 


	37. Command

It's been a few days since I found out everything about the Titans and everyone has been tiptoeing around me. All of the new information went to Erwin and he sent me home. Maybe it had been to soon for me to come back, but it needed to happen.

He also permitted Jean to join the Special Ops. I don't know why Jean didn't apply in the first place. He's more capable than most of the people we graduated with, but it was probably for Marco he didn't before.

Now, I'm pacing around Levi and my room, unable to sleep. It's my first night back in here. Petra put it back together one day when Armin and I went grocery shopping and it's only today that I'm in it.

Everyone has been worried about me and to be honestly, I'm probably not helping it. I'm really only talking to Mika and Armin right now. Everyone else I kind of just brush off. Opening up to two people is hard enough, and I still don't fully even. How do I explain that it feels like I'm dying yet more able that I've been in my life? How do o explain how motivated I am to save home but how I can't even bring myself to all asleep?

I'm also going back tomorrow, but Erwin told me he has a specific job for me. I hope that doesn't involve a uniform because even the clothes I got when I went shopping with all the girls basically fall off of me. Even my underwear is baggy. 

Just functioning normally is a bit of a struggle. I mean, I've been doing paperwork and stuff that needs to get done, but the whole self-maintaining thing isn't very affective. It's just that everything feels off.

Honestly, days without Levi are more difficult than I ever though they'd be. They just don't seem complete. I hadn't even considered what life would be like without him, and now that I'm faced with it, it's crushing. Mikasa, Armin, Isabel, and Farlan all stay at Levi's place with me because I just can't bring myself to leave. I should, but I can't. I can't shake the feeling that he's gonna walk through the door at any moment and lay down with me, telling me everything is okay as he holds me.

But everything isn't okay. It's been five days since he disappeared and we've had no signs of him. Right now, I'm pacing the bedroom, waiting for some idea to come to my head. But just like every other night, nothing does. It's stupid, but it's better than sleeping and dreaming of the terrors he's seen that can't be confirmed or denied. The moonlight shines through the window as I groan and sit down, burying my head in my hands as I cry from frustration. Again.

I never thought it would hurt so badly. To be away from the one you love, not knowing if they're even alive. And maybe that's the worst part. The not knowing if he's actually alive or not. And knowing it's my fault. And all I can do is sit here hoping he'll walk in the door while he might not even be walking on earth anymore. A sob rips through me at the thought and there's a soft knock at the door.

I ignore the way my heart flutters hopefully as I move to get the door because I know it's for naught. Especially when I open the door just to find that it's Mikasa. She holds a pillow to her chest as she walks in and goes over to the bed without a sound. She's hurting too, I know that, but that doesn't make it any easier to smile at her. No, it's actually impossible, I decide as I see her cringe at my grimace. I give up that effort close the door before walking to bed, sitting next to her. "Couldn't sleep either?" I ask as I wipe my face to look slightly more presentable and she nods.

"How could I?" She deadpans and I nod.

"I know." I respond and she shakes her head.

"This isn't about Annie, Eren. It's about you." She explains and I find myself confused.

"Why..."

"If I had just figured out what was going on... I mean all the signs were there, but..."

"Mikasa." I stop her. "It wasn't your fault. It was her's. Don't feel responsible for her actions." I stress and she nods before turning towards me.

"I see you're wearing his shirt." She says and I pull the sleeves over my hands. I almost forgot I had put on his sweater.

"It's comfy." I try, but she gives me a "nice try" look and I look away from her. "It helps, okay?" I justify and she sighs.

"How are you?" She asks honestly and I shrug.

"I'm okay." I say, but I don't even believe myself and I don't need to look at her to know she doesn't believe me. "Maybe okay isn't the right word. Living. I'm living." I replace my prior statement and she lays her head on my shoulder.

"Are you sure you can do that tomorrow? Have you even slept lately?" She asks and I bury my face in my hands.

"No, I haven't been sleeping, Mika. I've been laying in bed wondering how the hell I'm going to get my boyfriend home alive. Sleep isn't exactly easy to come by right now." I snap and she lets out a sigh.

"I'm sorry." She says and I shake my head.

"It's not you're fault, it's just... god, Mika, it hurts." I say and she wraps her arms around my shoulders. It's a sweet gesture, but it just feels too different to put me at ease. "I miss him so much. I didn't know it was possible to be so connected to someone so fast and now it's like something's missing." I explain. 

"I know. You two have something really special. I've never seen anyone look at someone the way you look at him except for when he looks at you. It's weird. I didn't even know who he was and then I found out you were in love with him, but it wasn't weird to me. Armin and I watched you guys talk from outside your room in the infirmary the first time and I just knew that's who you should be with." She tells me and squeezes my shoulder. "And if there's anyone who can save him, it's you." She says and kisses my cheek. I give a half smile and shrug.

"I can only save him if he's not already dead."

 

 

* * *

 

 

The next day, I walk into Erwin's office in sweatpants and the least baggy shirt I could find. He raises an eyebrow but doesn't question it as he runs a hand through him hair. 

"I'm having you train the recruits." He blurts nonchalantly and my eyes widen.

"Excuse me?" I snap and he sighs.

"It's useless to have you sit in an office and talk through plans with them. You'll be moved back after the plan is made. Until then, you're commanding them." He says and I roll my eyes.

"Can't Jean do that?"

"I'd be more effective if you did it."

"How come?"

"Because you're going to be the one commanding them throughout this mission." He tells me and I freeze.

"What?" My voice sounds small as I ask and he smiles softly.

"I'm making you commander. It's effective for this mission. Not only will they listen to you, but you may be able to get the Shinganshian citizens' trust." He explains and I look down.

"I don't know what to say." I admit and he puts a hand on my shoulder.

"Just say yes. I'll be in the room to help you if needed, but I really don't think you need my help. The only thing you'll need to food gain their respect. There are many opinions of you around here." He says and I look down.

"I just wish I could blend in again." I respond honestly and he nods.

"I know, but theres no going back, so rise to the occasion." He tries and I shrug at the attempt. He means well and maybe this is good for me.

"Okay, I'll do it."

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

"Listen here!" Jean yells and I watch as the the trainees straighten up. They look at him with a mix of fear and respect and I almost smirk. Damn, Horseface is actually good at this. "This here is Commander Eren Jaeger. She graduated when I did and has already gone on two missions with the elites. And survived." He swallows before continuing. "She will be taking over your training. You will all be going on the next mission. I leave it to Commander Jaeger to explain the details." He finishes, patting my shoulder and I step up. Everyone's attention is towards me, but I notice that some of them lose their strict posture or their eyes travel down and I scowl. Now I know what Erwin meant by people having their opinions. I resist the urge to drop back into my man voice as I step up. I look over to Erwin for help to see him mouth a single word. Levi.

_I guess I'll start there._

"As many of you have heard, we have heard, we recently have had one of our most elite captains be taken captive by the Titans. This is not the first time this has happened, but it is the breaking point. This mission will not just be a rescue mission. This is..."

"Permission to interrupt?" A boy standing in the front says. He's a bit shorter than me with bulky muscles and a sneer that just screams "I-think-I'm-better-than-you". My eyes narrow.

"Well, since you already have, I guess you don't have much to lose." I respond and instead of putting on a slightly more humble face, he raises an eyebrow and barely contains a smirk.

"Why do we have to risk men to save one man?" He sasses and I grit my teeth. I glance to Erwin and he shakes his head, obviously pissed too.

"That "one man" has saved your life more times than you know. He's stronger, faster, smarter, and better than you'll ever be." I cross my arms and the kid actually rolls his eyes. 

"Yet he could be beaten up by the girl he's fucking." He laughts and I look back to Erwin who looks positively livid. This time he nods. And about two seconds later, my foot hits the cadet's head and he falls to the ground. I reach down and pick him up by his shirt collar, pulling his so far above me, his feet are dangling. 

"And that "girl he's fucking" can tear off you dick faster than it would take for you to cry to your mommy." I say and throw him to the side so he's on the ground. I step on the middle of his chest and he stares at me with eyes wider than I've ever seen.

"Listen here, you little shit. You need to learn some respect. I'm not just some girl who's dating Captain Ackerman. I was the strongest fighter in my graduating class and I can beat your ass, even if I have a vagina. If you expect to go into this mission and _live_ , you better fucking listen to me. I've seen some of my best friends die, some turn out to be traitors, have to kill them seconds later and you have the fucking nerve to think you're better than me? Learn your place, cadet." I snarl and put more weight on his chest until his face is blue and one of his hands is slamming on the floor. Before he can stop breathing, I let off and he erupts in a fit of coughing.

I point to a cadet that looks like he's about to piss himself and roll my eyes. "Take him to Mrs. Zoë. He can come back tomorrow if he fixes his attitude. Come back when you're done." I scoff he salutes me.

"Sir! I mean, Ma'am!" He yells before helping the guy to his feet. I look to Erwin, who looks very pleased with my little show and I continue.

"Any other questions?" I ask and the room stays silent, making me smirk. I straighten my face as I continue. "If any of you fuckers have a problem with being commanded by a woman, I suggest you grow the fuck up or leave. Feel free to take this chance." I say and nobody does. They stand their ground. I smile. "Good. Now, as that idiot obviously didn't hear since his head was up his ass, this is not just a rescue mission. This is the final battle. If we lose, we're done for. If we win, this war is over, and yes, this is war. We're recruting two of you to be with the elite squad, but other than that, you will be fighting on the back line, but only if needed. If all goes as planned, no more lives than necessary will need to be taken. Do you hear me?" I scold and in unison, they answer.

"Yes, Commander!" They shout in response and I clap my hands together.

"Now, get to work." I command and there all move faster than I've ever seen trainees move in my life. I don't know where all this sudden anger is coming from, but it's better than that painful numb I've been feeling. This is productive. 

Erwin walks over to me and smirks. "Not bad." He murmurs and I shrug.

"He deserved that." I respond and he shakes his head.

"No, I'm impressed that it didn't break you." He corrects himself and my jaw tightens.

"Just because..."

"Don't take that the wrong way." He stops me, still looking forward. "If I were in your shoes and it was Hanji, I wouldn't have been able to do what you just did. I'm genuinely impressed." He says and pats my shoulder. "You're a good leader." He smiles and I frown again.

"I don't know why people keep saying that." I whisper and he sighs.

"Listen. I know we don't know each other all that well, but I see a bit of myself in you. You're smart, you're loyal, and you're way too hard on yourself." He says and lifts a hand to the cadets. "They're listening to you. Hell, you probably inspired some of them." He smiles and turns to leave. "You're much stronger than you think. And that's all that being a leader really is. Being strong enough to help others." He explains and walks away, leaving me with an odd sense of calm as I turn back to the trainees.

_Yeah, maybe I can do this. Even if it's all I can do right, it's something._


	38. New Years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for all the support. All of the comments were so helpful and wonderful and I just want any to emphasize how amazing you guys are. Thank you for that.
> 
> Also, I'm going to try my best to answer any comments for now on. I used to be good at it, but taking compliments has always been awkward for me, but I want to show you guys I really do appreciate it. The only reason I didn't last chapter was because I knew I'd have to delete it anyways.
> 
> So, chapters will be coming slow because I just changed something that will be happening in a few chapters, so for now, here's a bittersweet chapter the mark the slow return of chapters! Thanks again! I hope you like this one:)

It's been a week.

A _week_.

It's New Years now, but I can't bring myself to be happy about it.

It's been a week.

Tonight I'm "celebrating" in the apartment with the whole crew. I know they probably planned this just to make it better, but it still burns a bit. The comfortable numb I had before is gone, taken over by a nearly paralyzingly pain. So, I just do as I'm told while everyone else does their own thing. Armin and Jean are setting up the fireplace while Hanji and Isabel makes egg nog. Petra and Eld are in the kitchen with them making dinner as Erwin, Gunther, and Oluo work on hanging lights everywhere. Well, almost everywhere. Levi's door stays shut. We all try to avoid that. Mikasa, Sasha, Farlan, and I sit on the floor untangling the rest of the lights.

And I hate it.

I hate how we have to sit idly by as he could be tortured or even dead. Well, hopefully not dead. They said he wouldn't die, but that does nothing to put my mind at ease. Especially when it's my fault. I just hate how domestic we can all act while this is happening. I don't realize that I've stopped until Mikasa puts her hand over my motionless one. "Want to help Petra cook instead?" She asks. But no, that's not at all what I want to do. I _want_ to go and fucking get Levi back. I _want_ to scream at everyone in here for smiling and laughing and celebrating a holiday while Levi's still missing and we're all in danger. But instead, I just nod and get up. But I don't go to the kitchen. I instead step outside and get some fresh air.

I know everyone is worried and this is the last thing I should be doing, but I don't care. It hurts so badly to just sit there and pretend to be okay. Because I'm not okay. _How could I be? How are they?_ That's the worst part, actually. How am I the only one going insane? Or, I guess, how am I the only one who can't hide it? I swear I always hear his voice somewhere or see him out of the corner of my eyes. Maybe I just miss him that much. It's been a week since he's still not back. How could he be? The top of our military are all dressing the apartment for a holiday that has me hurting so much.

The cold air makes me shiver as I sit down and listen to the music blasting all over town. I know somebody will come out and check on me soon, so I enjoy the time to myself. Well, enjoy is an overstatement. It's hard to enjoy things right now. I was just getting to a good point before he was taken and now it's even worse. I keep up the shattered facade that I still try to wear. I have to try. They can do it so easily, so I should too. I close my eyes and bury my face in my hands because it really does hurt. I miss him. I miss him so much.

The door opens and closes and before anyone announces who they are, they sit next to me, making me jump. I should really be used to that by now, but I'm still not. I look up to see Jean sitting next to me with a sad look on his face, but he's not looking at me. No, he's not here to bother me as to why I left. And thank god for that. He turns to me with a sigh before looking forward again. "Sorry to steal your spot, I just need to think." He says and I nod.

"Feel free." I say and we continue to sit in silence. He's been getting closer to Armin lately and I know he still has feelings for him. You can tell in the way he looks at him. But there's obviously still a problem that's associated with it. "This is about Marco, isn't it?" I ask and he buries his hands in his face. 

"Yes. It is." He says and I put my hand on his back. 

"I'm sorry." I say and he lifts his head.

"I love Armin. I really do, but Marco only died a few months ago and it's wrong to move on that quickly." He says and I shake my head. 

"He'd want you to be happy." I manage to get out. He scoffs.

"That's what everyone is saying to me. I need to be happy. None of you actually know what he wants." He says and gets up, shoving his hands in his pocket and walking away. I look down and take a breath.

"It's what he told me." I say and I suddenly don't hear footsteps.

"How did.."

"I was there. He was still just barely alive when I found him." I say and he pauses before sitting down next to me.

"Was there anyway that you could've..." I look up at him and shake my head, making him stop. He looks down.

"Jean, he wanted you to be happy and find love. He wants you to move on and you have someone who's willing to be there for you. A really great someone too." I say and he smiles a bit sadly.

"Does he really have feelings for me too?" He asks and I nod.

"He's head over heels for you." I say and his smile grows.

"Thanks Eren." He says, but doesn't move to go back inside and I know what's about to happen. "What if Levi..."

"Don't. Please don't." I say and close my eyes and he sighs.

"I really think you should come back in. It might be good to try and relax with people who care about you. It's surprising how much it helps." He says and I nod and get up.

"I think that would be good." I say and he smiles in what seems like relief as I move to go back inside. He walks slowly so I can walk next to him as we walk inside. Everybody looks at us as we walk in, but no one says anything before turning back to their work and I try not to scream. I'm so done with everyone being so careful. I walk up to where Armin is starting to hang lights and hold up the end of it so it won't tangle. He smiles to me as he starts to hang it and I stand there, not really feeling up to doing anything. I feel a mixture of pain and just feeling dead.

_Dead. Like he is._

_Because of me._

I try to shake these thought from my head, but I can't. I just can't stop thinking how he really could be dead. It's not even logically, he's probably alive, but it just feels like this is it for us. And it's not because of our choice.

_Dead._

_It can't be._

_But it is, isn't it?_

 

 

* * *

 

 

It's around midnight when I actually drink. I don't get drunk, though. Not even tipsy, which is a bit disappointing. My first time where I don't try to stay sober and I find out I have a high alcohol tolerance. Great.

Armin and Jean have been flirting all night, not drunk as much as tipsy. I think Jean might finally make a move on him too, from the looks of it. Mika looks relaxed for the first time, cheeks flushed from alcohol as she sits next to a drunk Sasha who is staring at Mikasa like she's the most fascinating thing she's ever seen and I can't help but  smile as I realize that she has a crush on my sister. _Now the ball makes sense._

I frown again thinking about the ball.

Farlan sits down next to me and grabs my hand. Isabel passed out awhile ago, cuddling with Hanji, and he's been chatting with Eld until this point. He says something that surprises me as he squeezes my hand.

"I understand what you're going through." He murmurs, making the conversation quiet in the loud room. "To lose someone you love. When they took Isabel, I thought I was going to die too. It's stupid, I know, but I have a feeling you're feeling something pretty similar." He says and I nod.

"Farlan, I know you get it, but I really don't want to talk about this." I respond. I just wanna people watch until I fall asleep. I want to avoid thinking for as long as possible.

"Listen to me for a second." He says and I turn to him. "I know you love Levi, probably more than even Isabel and I do, but please don't close yourself off like you did when you found out about your stalkers." He practically begs, eyes falling to the ground. "I know the only reason you didn't after the mission was because Levi basically forced you not to. We all want to help you, but we can't. Not like him. You two understand each other like no one else can. But know we want to help you. We all love you and we get this is hard, so please don't shut us out." He tells me and looks back up at me, waiting for my reaction. I don't know if it's what he said or everything just adding up and breaking me yet again, but I start crying. What's different about this time though is that I don't feel quite as alone. Especially when Farlan starts crying too.

We smile through the tears, but they're still there. It's as if we're the only two people who will acknowledge it. Even Isabel tries to deny it, but it's there. And suddenly, I feel much less alone. Because Farlan really does get it. Not only with what happened to Isabel, but Levi is a large factor in Farlan being alive right now. He's not compressing it. And neither am I.

Ymir yells that it's almost midnight, but Farlan and I don't move. We continue crying bittersweet tears of pain and relief. We aren't alone. Even if it's only really is for now, we get it. Although, I don't doubt that pretty soon, others will break too. Especially when Erwin sits next to Farlan. He doesn't say anything, just gives us a forced smile then looks at the floor. "He normally gets really drunk on New Years. It's his way of starting the year right." He murmurs to us and I find myself smiling. That makes sense considering he doesn't really get drunk any other time during the year. Farlan erupts in a fit of giggles and I can't help but laugh too, despite how gross it is with the fact I was just crying so breathing is rather hard. Erwin smiles and raised his cup to his lips. "What an idiot." He jokes with affection and it almost makes it hurt more. I wish it was just me that was hurt by this. I wish I didn't have to cause so many people pain. Farlan squeezes my hand and makes me look up at him.

"Don't." He scolds and I fake dumb.

"Don't what?"

"Think so much. I know it's not good thoughts you're thinking, so stop." He says with a warm, understanding smile. I match it and lay my head on his shoulder.

"Thanks Far." I whisper to him as the others cheer for midnight and he kisses my forehead.

"It's nothing." He answers. The three of us make hushed conversations about frivolous things and for the first time in awhile, I feel something other than pain. It's not quite happy or even okay. But it's some kind of light that may be at the end of the tunnel.

If this tunnel ever ends.

After all, it's been a week.

Who knows what can happen next. 

 


	39. Tape

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy April 1st! I already did my joke for the day and it was wonderful. Anyways, hi! I've been binge writing, but it was for like 10 chapters ahead of this and I need to fill in the gap. I'm hoping that I can get at least one more done before the end of my break. I'll try my hardest! Now, please enjoy this chapter(kind of). There are a lot of bombshells, but nothing crazy at the same time.
> 
> Also, I realized I've never given you guys my tumblr, so here it is!
> 
> http://lavalampwriting.tumblr.com

"Come on, you can run faster that that!" I yell at the cadets I'm running with. Naturally, I take the rear to make sure none of them slack of. Their times are notably better when I do this.

It's been two weeks since I've started training them and I have to admit, they've been a nice distraction. They demand a lot of my attention at once, especially since I have to keep an eye out for anyone decent. Isabel does part of the training, but most of her training involves being a medic. Farlan convinced her to do that instead of full training for field, it'd be better if she trained to help that way. It took some convincing, but she agreed she didn't have enough time to be ready for the mission.

She takes it seriously though. She treats me as her superior when in training and she's actually pretty good. She's near the front of the line and she's near the middle of the lifting amount. Levi would be proud of her.

We finish up back at headquarters where I find a group of people huddled around the door. Only, it's more than just the trainees. There are a group of reporters who seem to be trying to get inside and I suddenly worry. Did something happen?

I walk up to them, going to break through the crowd only to be instantly pushed back. I tap one of the reporters not he shoulder and she turns to me. "What's going on?" I ask and her eyes widen.

"You haven't heard? The military has it's first female commander and her boyfriend was kidnapped! It's all over the news." She tells and my eyes widen.

"This is all about that?" I ask and she scoffs.

"Of course it is! This is the first time in history this has happened. You obviously don't appreciate strong women." She flips her hair and I roll my eyes. 

"Whatever." I retort. It just seems strange. We're going to war and this is all they can focus on? I look around to all the people talking to the reporters and a couple of them turn to me in shock. I really don't look as strong as I am. I'm only about five-foot-seven and while I still have most of my muscle, it's lean and plus I'm very thin. It annoys me further as one reporter lifts a camera and takes a picture of me.

"Get inside. Any stragglers will be punished. You're still being timed." I demand and all of the trainee's straighten up and go inside. Reporters start taking pictures and asking me questions, the lady who I had talked to earlier too. I honestly don't even give a shit as I walk past them. One of them grabs my arm and pulls me down and I suddenly start to panic. I turn to the man holding me and instantly punch him in the face, making him fall backward. A couple people catch him as some fall silent and others ask more questions. I ignore them as I go inside, slamming the one-way glass door and all of the cadets stand there with wide eyes. I open my mouth to say something when another voice starts speaking. 

"Are you okay?" Hanji asks as she walks over to me. "I was just coming to tell them off when I saw that. What did he..."

"Get back to the training room! Get to work and if I find you slacking, there will be consequences." I demand and everybody scatters as I turn away, looking at the window as Hanji moves to stand next to me.

"I didn't know I made this big of a splash." I whisper, watching as the reporters bang on the door. "It's awful. All they care about is the fact that I did this while being a girl. They don't know me. They weren't on that last mission. They probably don't even know I was assaulted!" I end up yelling in frustration. The media has always bothered me in this way and I've been able to avoid it until this point, but now I fear I can't. She wraps an arm around me cautiously and I lean into her. 

"Why does everyone think I'm so strong? I don't get it." I admit. It's sad. I honestly don't get why people think all this makes me strong when I always feel like I'm falling apart. A guy grabbed me and I freaked out so much that I punched him in the face! Hanji sighs and squeezes my shoulder.

"No matter how hard this may be, you're surviving. That alone makes you strong." She says to me and I shrug.

"That's like saying everyone wins." I retort and she smiles.

"People teach that for a reason." She chuckles and I shrug.

"I don't feel like I'm winning much these days." I tell her and she nods.

"I know, but it could be worse." She says, gesturing out the window. "All these people support you, so that alone puts us ahead." She tries to ease my worry, but for once in my life, it just feels like I can't bury this in what needs to get done. It honestly feels hopeless. We'll all just end up like Connie and Marco, dying before our times.

Mikasa, Sasha, and Armin suddenly come running in and sprint up to me.

"Eren... we..." Mikasa hyperventilates, and it's rare she runs out of breath. This isn't just running. This is something else.

"What's up?" I ask and Armin speaks up.

"We found it. The video of where Levi is." He announces and my eyes widen. 

"How? Where?" I respond breathlessly and Armin point to Sasha.

"She ended up finding it. We had our coding wrong." He explains and I ask a question in the forefront of my mind.

"He's alive, right?" I have to check. It's been my biggest fear his whole time that he was just dead.

"He's alive." Mikasa says and I nod. 

"Then let's go." I suggest and Hanji nods. 

"I'll get Jean to watch the recruits." She says and runs down the hallway. Mikasa grabs my arm and pulls me along down the hall. The other two join as she drags me through different paths. When we get to the room, she unlocks it and opens it for me. I walk in and go to the main computer on and look at the screen to find it showing a room that looks a lot like a prison. I look closer to see a figure laying on the bed and soon see the raven black hair and a familiar physique with a scar on his stomach.

"Levi." I whisper to myself. He has a wrap around his head and ankle, making me frown. _What have they done to him?_ People move in next to me, but I pay no attention as I watch him. His chest rises and falls evenly, helping a bit. I can see it moving. I can see that he's alive.

I also notice that he's with a cell mate, a young boy with red hair. It was the boy from the other video that was beaten in the marketplace. He sits, watching Levi with curious golden eyes. He doesn't look scared or worried, again, doing wonders to calm me. He's alive. He's alive and he's okay. _Kind of._

I don't know how long I sit just staring at the screen before a head on my shoulder makes me jump. I look next to me to see as Isabel grabs hold of my arm and cuddles up to me. "Hanji let us out." She says shortly as she stares at the screen and I know Hanji must be here too. I notice Farlan is next to her, holding her hand and looking almost pained as he looks at the screen. 

I look back and watch as Levi flinches in his sleep. The little boy crosses the room to him and shakes Levi awake. Levi jolts up, but his face softens as he looks at the little boy. He ruffles his hair. "Thanks Finn." He says and the boy smile.

"You're welcome Mr. Levi." He responds and Levi chuckles as he pinches the bridge of his nose.

"Just Levi." He corrects with a smile, although it seems a bit forced for the boy. Levi sits up and the boy jumps up on his bed, sitting criss-cross on Levi's pillow. He has a few bruises on his face and you can see how stiff his arm is, hinting at a cast under his long sleeve shirt. He still shines with happiness as he leans against the wall. 

"How'd you sleep?" He asks and Levi shrugs.

"Better than last night. Thanks for waking me up." He says to the kid and lifts a fist to him. Finn returns the fist bump.

"No problem." He smiles and Levi raises an eyebrow.

"You look tired. How did you sleep?" He asks his and Finn looks down.

"Fine." He answers, but Levi doesn't look convinced.

"Don't lie to me. You couldn't sleep, could you?" He questions and the boy nods. 

"I couldn't." He says quietly and Levi sighs.

"You have to get some sleep." Levi told him and he frowns.

"But I can't. It's scary in here." Finn says and Levi nods.

"I know, but you have to." He scolds the boy who just looks up at Levi.

"Can I sleep here instead?" He asks and Levi chuckles.

"Sure." He says, scooting down to the foot of the bed so Finn can lay down. What surprises me is Finn picks up the pillow and props it up against Levi's leg. Levi smiles at the kid and lays his head back against the wall behind him. He closes his eyes as the kid curls up against him.

I notice how stiff his leg is and wonder what else happened him. He's been gone for awhile and he still has a patch on his forehead along with jaw. His hand absentmindedly plays with the boy's hair as he lays there and he looks much older than he is. He's worn and tired and something about that just tears me apart inside. And I just want him back. Safe. I'm tired of this constant hiding and seeking. Constantly trying to be safe but end a war at the same time. To be together but constantly torn apart by some obstacle. I'm just tired of it.

Suddenly, someone walks in that makes everyone either tense or glare at the screen.

Annie.

She walks in with a paper in her hand and a smirk.

"You're girlfriend is in the papers over there." She announces as she crosses the room to Levi. A worried expression crosses his face, making her laugh.

"Don't worry. It's good." She tells and him I find myself suddenly confused. Not over the headline, but the way Annie is acting almost as if they're still friends. Levi takes the paper and reads the headline, his eyes widening.

"Wait, we haven't had a commander since..."

"The last time you went to war." Annie finishes and Levi's eyes widen along with our own. Levi's jaw clenches as Annie smirks.

"Don't do it. Don't tell him." He says and she lifts her hands. 

"This isn't my business. My business was getting either you or Eren. I don't need to do anything else." She announces and my eyes widen. She could've taken me. She should've taken me. It would've saved everyone so much trouble. "Besides, Nile said he's leaving today and bringing Erwin." Annie announces and my head snaps back to Hanji and her eyes widen.

"He's in a meeting with him now." She hisses and Farlan and I are immediately on our feet. I nod to him and we both run, soon followed by Jean. We sprint through corridors, leading to the presidential wing. Guards raise eyebrows as they see up run, but don't stop us. Or follow us. _What great security guards!_

Jean is the one that kicks the door in and I notice instantly how bad the situation looks. Erwin is still in his chair and Nile is across from him, eyes wide as he looks at us.

Then he pulls out a gun.

"Get down!" I yell as I sprint at Nile, full on tackling him as he ends up shooting the leg of the desk. Farlan crosses the room and covers Erwin who is just watching in shock. 

I push the gun out of the way over to Farlan as Nile gets up and does something that shocks me. He jumps out the window. I run and look out the window to see that he landed on the roof a floor below us where the building branches out. On the other side, a helicopter waits.

"Shit!" I yell and move to jump out the window as well, but a pair of arm around my waist pick me up, leaving me unable to move. I kick back at them, even going so far as to kick their groin before Jean steps in front of me.

"It's not worth it, he's gone." Jean says as Farlan puts me down. I look out the window to see a helicopter fly away and swear.

"That was our chance! We could've found out so much more about them!" I yell at them and Erwin walks over to us.

"We'll search his stuff and talk to his wife. He had to have left some kind of trail." He calms me down and puts a hand on my shoulder. "But thanks to you three, I'm alive. Thank you for that." He says with a smile as Hanji comes sprinting in.

"Oh my god, Erwin!" She exclaims as she runs across the room and falls into his arm. He looks shocked to see her do something like this, but I just smile. Maybe this will be his wake up call.

Jean, Farlan, and I excuse ourselves and go back to the room we were in before. When we walk in, everyone turns to is expectantly and Farlan shrugs.

"Erwin's fine. Nile got away. Did we miss anything?" He states and Mikasa moves to the computer to rewind the tape. It's back to when Annie was standing in the room and Levi is looking at her with wide eyes.

"Why are you telling me this?" He asks and he smiles.

"It's not you I'm telling." She answers and he doesn't seem to get it, but we do as she glances at the cameras.

She's helping us. 

But why?

An anger flares up in me at the thought. Why now? Why not before she took Levi? Why not before she had to go back and be recognized as a Titan?

I glance to Mikasa to see the way she's standing stiffly, standing a good foot away from Sasha and I frown. I hope she doesn't let this change what she might be feeling for Sasha. They had just seemed to be making progress and it'd be awful if they lost that just because Annie may not be as shitty as she seem. 

We all sit down again and watch the tape. Not much else happens. Levi reads the article, eventually frowning and setting it down and buries his face in his hand. He eventually falls asleep and people start to leave except Farlan, Isabel, and me and I understand why they're still here. It's the comfort of watching his chest rise and fall. It's the sweetness as the boy curls up to Levi's leg. It's knowing he's okay. He's alive and he's okay.

Hanji and Erwin eventually find there ways in the room too, but by that time. Isabel and Farlan are both leaning against each other asleep. Hanji and Erwin sit next to each other on the other side of me and Hanji takes my hand. I look over to her to see that she's crying as she leans her head on my shoulder. Her other hand is holding Erwin's and he's watching the screen with sadness in his eyes and it's not hard to guess what he's thinking. 

The five of us end up falling asleep in the room. The last thing I see as I slip is Levi's sleeping figure and for the first time in a week, I sleep with no nightmares.

 

 


	40. Plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers are gore. Just a pre-warning.
> 
> Hi! So, today is my last day of spring break, so as promised, here's another chapter! Idk when I'll be able to post again, but hopefully it's soon! Comments are appreciated. Thank you and enjoy:)

Days carry on slowly. One week becomes two which surely enough becomes three. Jean helps me with training as I help make a plan. Which doesn't happen. We can't think of anything and it makes me nervous.

Isabel actually turns out to be a natural. She can shoot a guy behind her in the head with seventy percent accuracy. She's one of the fastest people in her class. She's not too strong, but she's a smart fighter.

Erwin added her to the elite squad and that also makes me nervous. Farlan as well. Neither of us voice this to her though. That would just be stupid.

I've been finding myself hanging out with Historia a lot lately as well as Ymir. We looked through all the tapes of the prison and Historia's father was nowhere to be found, leaving us to assume he's dead. She's taken it rather well, but she doesn't have much of a choice. She has to prepare for possibly becoming queen.

Sasha and Mikasa still aren't dating, but they're close. Armin and Jean haven't made it official yet, but Armin came home squealing after a night hanging out with him and after he calmed down, he told me they had kissed. All I have to say is fucking finally.

Petra and Oluo finally started dating too. Erwin and Hanji are back together as well. I've been spending a lot of time with them too. Most of the time we just watch the security footage in silence. It's one of the few reassurances I have. That we can save him. That it'll be okay.

But today felt wrong from the start. I woke up in my apartment and instantly I noticed that Mika and Armin were acting weird. I went to my meeting and the whole squad was just a little too quiet for comfort. Even trainees were being careful around me. By the end of the day, I had had enough.

So, right now, I'm walking into Erwin's office, completely uncaring that there may be other people in there. No one is and I relax a bit until I see the red rimming his eyes. My heart drops.

"What happened?" It's barely a question as much as a command. His eyes fall to his desk.

"We need to deploy within the week." He says and my eyes widen.

"You're kidding, right? The trainees need another three or four weeks still and..."

"We don't have that time anymore." He stops me and I gulp.

"Erwin..."

"Please don't make me tell you." His eyes don't meet mine and I know something's up.

"Just do it." I ask, thinking the worst already. They're on their way here. People are already dying over there. What could I have possibly missed?

"We think Levi might be dead." Erwin tells me and my heart just about stops. 

"Dead?" My voice is quiet and he finally looks up at me. Tears are rolling down his face and I realize he's serious. Levi is... 

"What do you mean "might"?" I ask and he sighs.

"We know he's getting punished somehow, but we're not sure how. He just got dragged off. The boy he was sharing a room with was shot and killed." He tells me and my eyebrows furrow. 

"What spurred that on?" I ask and he looks at me with confusion in his eyes.

"They found out we were on the signal. Said we had to deliver you by this time next week or else they're invading."

"Then he's not dead." I conclude. It's a bit hopeful of a conclusion, but they need him alive. Because they still need me. He's still bait.

I voice these thoughts to Erwin and he frowns. "Then what are they doing to him?" He asks and I look down.

"I'm not entirely sure, but if they were going to kill him, they would've just done it then on the camera, made an example of him. We would've heard something. They have nothing to gain from killing him quietly." I assure both of us. I don't know why my mind is suddenly realizing all of this, but I know it's not a good thing. They're doing something awful to him right now and it's still because of me. They're planning something.

"Do you think we stand a chance?" Erwin ask and I nod.

"I'll make sure the trainees are as ready as they can be and..."

"I'm not asking this as the president." He stops me. "I'm asking as you're friend." He tells me and I force a smile.

"That doesn't change my answer." I inform him and he smiles before I turn to leave.

 

  

* * *

 

  

Despite Erwin's wishes, I go and watch the tape. Sasha pulls it up for me, literally holding my hand as we watch it. It starts out calm. Levi and Finn are sleeping like they had been when I first watched the tape; Finn curled up with his head on Levi's lap. Then the cell door flies open. Grisha is the one that comes in. He shoots Finn in the head and Levi gets the backsplash.

Sasha starts gagging a bit as Levi stiffens, having only woken up to the gunshot. He stares in absolute shock at the now dead boy and it doesn't take a genius to see just how devastated he is. His eyes are wide and his mouth is hanging open as another man walks in and starts walking towards Levi. That's when he snaps to of it.

Levi gets up and instantly kicks the man in the ribs, making him fall to the ground and I then realize it's Nile. A third man steps in Nile gets back to his feet. Grisha just watches with a smiles as the two men gang up on Levi who is obviously still too injured to fight. He ends up restrained by the two men.

Grisha turns to Levi with a sickening sneer. "Say hello to your girlfriend, Levi." He says and that just pisses Levi off all the more.

"What the hell are you talking about, you fucker?" He growls and ends up getting hit again. Sasha suddenly whimpers and I realize I'm squeezing her hand to the point where it's purple.

"Your girlfriend has been watching you of a few days now. You see, they've been on our signal for quite some time." He says and Levi's eyes widen as Grisha turns to the camera. "So, we have a proposition for you. Bring Eren or we will overthrow you." Grisha says and Levi shakes his head, but one of the men slap a hand over ELvi's mouth before he can say anything.

Grisha then raises a gun and shoots the camera before the signal goes dead.

"Eren..."

"Please don't say your sorry." I practically beg as my eyes fall shut. The last thing I need is pity.

"I was just going to say good luck." She says as she kisses my cheek. I try to smile, and for her sake, I hope it worked. I know what I have to do now. And I'm not all that happy about it.

"Thank you. For everything." I say and she smiles as I get up and leave. I rush down the hallway, walking until I find our squad's meeting room. We decided to have another meeting today and I think they were planning on informing me on what I just found out. _Great. Now they're back to being careful around me._

I walk in and the room quiets again. Everybody is looking at me nervously and I nearly roll my eyes. Instead, I slam the door.

"Listen. We're a team here. You guys have to fucking tell me this stuff even if you think it's going to hurt." I scold them. The young ones look at me with concern while the veterans look down like children. I walk over to the table and sit down. "So, I think it's obvious what we do next." I say and they all look up at me.

"And what is that?" Oluo asks, obviously aware of the fact we had no plan. But I have one. They just have to play along.

"I have to turn myself in."

 

 

* * *

 

 

"You're not fucking doing this." Mika swears at me that night. I informed her on the plan and now she's going ballistic. I guess I don't blame her. Nobody is really fully supporting my plan. But it's going to work. It _needs_ to work. 

"Yes I am." I correct her. Armin has yet to say anything and honestly, he's the only person who matters. He can think clearly despite how much he cares about me. He sighs.

"Do you want chances of this working or chances of surviving?" He asks and before I can answer, Mikasa cuts in.

"What are her chances of surviving?" She inquires and Armin frowns.

"About fifty fifty." He says and her eyes widen. I, on the other hand, smile. It's better than I thought.

"And chances of this working?" I ask and he shrugs.

"About eighty percent. Are you really not taking anyone with you though? Is that safe?" He asks and I nod.

"I turn myself in and they take me to the square where the others will be waiting. When I go to make a statement, they shoot." I tell them and he looks down.

"I guess that makes sense. But what happens if they catch on? And how are you going to get Levi?" He interrogates me.

"It's a trade. I'll only go with them if they set Levi free."

"Then shouldn't someone go with you?"

"No one can come with me. What would be the reason for them not to get killed?" 

He pauses.

"Yeah, I guess you have a point." He concludes and Mikasa looks at both of us as if we'd just told her Armin was pregnant.

"I... I don't understand how you can be so casual with your own life!" She yells at me and I look down. I know I'm gonna hear it whether I want to or not, so I might as well just take it. She doesn't get it. This is my battle. I can easily die because of this, but it's me or everybody else. I refuse to protect my own life when they killed that little boy, Finn, just to make a point. But I can't deny I feel a bit guilty. Mikasa has lost so many people in her life, but it's better this way. She can be safe. She'll have Sasha and Armin. Everybody else going on that mission has a Mikasa or an Armin or a Levi. I can't focus on me anymore. This isn't about me. I said it before, this is anything but personal.

Mikasa eventually goes to Isabel's old room, slamming the door behind her. Armin and I end up in Levi and my room. We lay in silence for awhile on opposite sides of the bed before he sighs.

"I can't talk you out of this, can't I?" He questions quietly and I shake my head.

"You understand I have to do this, don't you?" I ask and he waits a minute before answering.

"You know why I said fifty, right?"

"Because there could always be an accident and aiming could be off and..."

"Eren, you killed one of their leaders." He reminds me and I gulp. I actually almost forgot. The last mission was hard enough to get over that I must have blocked that out of my memory.

"They want me dead."

"No, they want you alive, but they will kill you if you mess this up." He tells me. "If you give them any reason to think that you're hostile, you're going to be killed." He explains and I close my eyes. That makes this so much worse.

"Armin..." He reaches across the bed and grabs my hand.

"I know you have to do this."

"I'm so scared."

"I know."

"But I think I'm ready."

"I know." He says and moves closer to me. He curls up to me and sighs.

"Just... try to live. Mika and I need you. All of us need you. And we don't know what Levi's going through, but I can guarantee that it's going to be ten times worse if he comes back without you." He reminds me and I squeeze his hand without really realizing it.

"Of course I'll..."

"No you won't." He snaps and my eyebrows furrow in confusion. He continues. "What I want you to do is make sure you make it out alive, even if that means someone else with you may die. What I know you _should_ do is be ready to die for your squad." He says and pauses and I can't find words to say. He's right. So he continues. "I'm not trying to stop you. It's not my place to. But, I love you. You're my best friend and it would really suck to lose you." He tells me and I wrap my arm around his waist and kiss his forehead.

"I love you too. And I know. I guess I never thought we'd be doing anything this big. I never thought about dying when I joined." I explain and he sighs.

"I never thought so either. To be honest, I'm a little surprised you've made it this far." He says and for some reason, I start laughing at that. Like, full on cracking up. Maybe it's nervousness or exhaustion or maybe I'm just going crazy, but honestly, how have I gone from being a trainee to the commander in less than a year?

Armin starts laughing too and the sound is like a bell to me. What if this is the last time Armin and I can laugh like this? What if I never get to see Mikasa settle down? What if I never get to hold Levi again? It's strange to maybe be on death row.

So, I pull Armin closer and try to act like I'm crying because I'm laughing so hard and not because I'm fucking terrified.

 

 

 


	41. Change in Plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter before the big stuff starts to happen! Enjoy!

The next week goes by a little too quickly for comfort. I prepare the trainees with the plan. A few of them even show concern for me, but I shrug them off. Jean is pissed at me for the plan and he makes it very clear during training. I've had to talk to him several times about it, but he just doesn't cooperate. It's annoying, but he's not the only one. Oluo has expressed his annoyance that I was willing to put myself in danger. Mika is just talking to me again and Armin won't leave me alone. I can tell that the two of them are preparing for the worst so that's why they're having around me so much.

And it's honestly terrifying.

Just the fact that people are expressing that they think I may die says a lot. It's not a 'maybe' as much as a 'probably' and that makes this all the scarier. I try to push that out of my head. I can't deal with that right now. 

Right now, I'm packing for the mission. Shingashia isn't an eight hour long trip, so we're leaving tonight. Armin and Mikasa are sitting on the couch as I gather my things.

"Are you gonna wear a wrap?"

"I have to, none of my sports bras fit anymore."

"What snacks are you bringing? You can't have anything slow you down."

"Granola."

"Are you bringing a backpack with you?"

"No, just a gun."

"That's dangerous though." Mikasa expresses and I just look at her with a raised eyebrow.

"And bring a backpack would make it less dangerous?" I ask and she pauses.

"Yeah, forget the backpack." She decides. With water, granola, a charger, and a first aid kit packed, I sit on the couch with them. Mikasa automatically scoots closer to me and wraps her arms around me, basically hanging off my shoulders. "You know, you can always not do it. I could shoot you in the foot." She suggests and I laugh.

"I don't think that's such a good idea, Mikasa." I tell her and she huffs.

"I know." She sighs and Armin frowns.

"You should probably head over." He announces and the mood in the room gets darker if at all possible. Instead of letting me up though, he wraps his arms around both of us, joining the hug. He stays there before pulling back and wiping his eyes. "I know there's not much I can say now, so just call on your way back. So we know you're safe." He asks and I nod.

"I will." I say, ignoring the elephant in the room. But why ruin everything and acknowledge it. I know it's there and I'm about to have to deal with it, so for this moment, I can just say goodbye with that thought. Mikasa kisses my cheek as she breaks away.

"I love you." She whimpers and I use my thumb to wipe her tears.

"I love you too. Both of you." I tell them and they both smile. They walk me to the door and with one more tight embrace, I leave. I try to fight away the melancholy feeling knowing this might be my last goodbye.

_No. It can't be. I refuse._

I make it to headquarters and go to the roof. It's just us and the fifty trainees. The trainees are leaving tomorrow thought, other than Isabel. I guess they thought against adding another member, because I never heard of any. I guess I get it. We need to be discreet anyways. I'm the first one not he plane, so I find a cozy area to lay down and allow myself to fall asleep.

When I wake up again, I find everyone sitting around me and the jet is roaring. We must've taken off. They all look at though they have something they don't want to tell me and god, do I hate that look. I sigh and sit up.

"What do you need to tell me?" I ask and they all look at Farlan who has a determined look on his face.

"I'm coming with you." He tells me and I instantly shake my head.

"That's a stupid idea. Why would you need to come if I was just gonna turn myself in?"

"To trade." He tells me. "I can be there if they end up just shooting and I can take Levi if they agree." He explains and I shake my head.

"No..."

"Dammit Eren, we're not losing you too." He all but yells and everybody is looking at the ground except Farlan, Isabel, and Jean. I close my eyes as he continues. "We've lost so many people because of not being able to trust each other. We need to do that. Because we can't trust them at all and..."

"I'm coming too." Isabel says and everybody's head snaps to look at her. "I'm not letting you two go alone." She murmurs and Farlan pinches the bridge of his nose.

"No. I refuse to let you and..."

"You guy saved my life." She interrupts and Farlan's eyes widen. "And now, I'm trained. I can help. And I'm not letting you say no."

"Don't I have any say in this?"

"No." They both say to me in unison and I groan.

"If you two are coming, I'm only letting it be you two. No one else." I point around the circle accusingly and nobody objects. I take a breath then lay back down. "We have a big day tomorrow. Go to sleep." I tell them and after a bit of shuffling, there silence and I know everyone is at least trying to sleep, but I can't. I had only been able to sleep earlier because I forced myself awake for so long, but now, worry clouds my mind.

So I lay down and close my eyes, hoping I'm not dragging the two of them down with me.

 

 


	42. The End Pt. 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YEAH so you guys are literally about to hate me so much, soooooo I'm posting both parts of the mission today to make up for it because honestly if I didn't post the second chapter as well, I'd be worried about getting death threats or something like that. So here you go.
> 
> Feel free to blow up my tumblr!
> 
> http://lavalampwriting.tumblr.com

I look out the window as we start to fly closer to Shiganshia. It looks more like a base than a city, the whole places surrounded by high walls and guards. It becomes obvious that the only way for this to work is to land outside. There are already cannons pointed at us.

I start by waking everybody up. They all awaken with a nervous jolt. I make sure they're coherent before talking. "Isabel and Farlan should bring their guns. I can't though. It'll make me seem hostile. But they should be put in your belt. Just put away." I tell them and everybody looks at me like I'm crazy, but nobody protests. 

"Good luck." Eld says and surprises me when he comes up to me and hugs me. I find myself even more shocked though when everyone else does. I hug them back before ending the moment of comfort. I can't stall. I have to do this.

"Okay, lets go." Farlan puts a hand on my shoulder before turning to the door. I look to Isabel to make sure she's okay, but I'm surprised when I see her face. She looks confident and more ready than I've ever seen her. I just hope she's really as ready as she seems. I'm not even as ready as I seem.

The door opens and the three of us leave with one final wave behind us. We walk the clearing with our arms up as they point their guns at us. When we get closer enough that the guard can see up, their eyes wide almost comically. They drop they guns as we walk the rest of the way over to them.

"Are you..." 

"Yes, I'm her. I was told to come here." I announce and they nod. 

"Oh. Yes, right, come on in." I can't help but notice their strange accents as they speak. The take us through a gate, each of them holding on to one of our arms as they pull us to what I assume is headquarters. People stop and stare at me as I walk past them and I find it interesting. Even the guards are acting not like they hate me, but almost as if they didn't expect to see me. Like I'm some kind of celebrity. The idea is laughable.

We're brought to a room that looks almost like a foyer from a horror movie. It's like a big cement block with a couple of doors. One of the guards turns to me. "Stay here. You will be meeting with Grisha soon." He tells me and I try not to act disgusted by the name. Some family I have. _No, he's not family. I can't start considering him that now. Not after everything he's done._

I am glad to say I don't look much like my father. In fact, I look exactly like my mom for the most part. I notice the slight confusion on Isabel and Farlans face and I guess they notice this as Grisha walks in. He crosses the room and extends a hand to me. I just look at it in distain until he lowers it.

"I thought you were coming alone."

"I'm staying alone. But first, we're making a trade." I tell him and he smirks.

"What kind of trade?" He asks as if amused by the idea, but I stand my ground.

"Me for Levi. That's why they're here. To take him to safety." I explain and he crosses his arms.

"And If I don't agree?"

"Then I leave."

"And if we just capture you?"

"Do you actually think I would cooperate if you just capture me?" I ask and he shrugs.

"I guess you have a point." He says and turns towards the door. "Let Levi in and take Eren. But, lets give them a moment to get reacquainted." He commands and my eyebrows furrow as I turn to Farlan. Once Grisha leaves the room, he speaks up.

"Something is wrong. That was too easy." He whispers and Isabel nods. The door opens again to reveal someone I haven't seen in what feels like ages.

He's limping as he walks. It's the same leg that he hurt on our first mission. He's completely beaten up, from a bloody bandage on his arm to his split lip, he's a wreak. But he's okay. Well, sort of. He looks as if movement at all hurts. But he turns to me and my last bit of restraint breaks. I may die after this an this is the last time I get to see him.

"Oh my god." I sigh as I start sprinting towards Levi before I could notice the way he stood. The stiffness in his shoulders. The cold cut of his gaze. I stop suddenly as I realize that glare is directed at me.

"Eren, run." Farlan says from behind me as Levi suddenly lifts a knife, swiping it in my direction. I dodge it, but it leaves a gash in my forehead. I feel blood trickle down my face as he comes at me again. I duck and kick his legs out from under him, but he regains his footing. He grabs my defensive arm and uses it to throw me to the ground, making me land head first. The room is spinning as he lowers himself over me, pointing the tip of my knife at my chest, pressing just enough that it's starting to bite as it breaks through my skin, cutting upwards.

And I can barely process it. This is Levi.

_And he's trying to kill me._

 

 


	43. The End Pt. 2

He's trying to kill me.

My mind is livid with itself. How have I been so stupid? How did I not see this? How did nobody see this? How the fuck did this happen again?!

A sudden burst of rage makes me flip us and he grunts in pain. I don't get time to examine him for some kind of sign of what the fuck is going on before he flips us, slamming my head to the ground. I look up at him, but I can barely even see him, but it looks like there's three of him. And as he continues his works from before, I feel my skin breaking, but something else in me is breaking. It's everything I felt for him. Why did he do this to me? Why is he doing this to me? For fuck's sake, why do through all of this just to get me. Why make me fall in love? Or maybe that wasn't it. Has he been with them the whole time? Has this whole thing been I lie? Have I given up my life to save someone who has wanted to kill me since day one. Everything in me is screaming as I look at the man above me because someone who once held me with so much love is currently cutting my chest.

Are they making him do this? Did they do something that...

My mind starts slipping out and I can't even form a coherent thought. This is worse than last time. This is so much worse.

Right when I feel like I'm actually going to die this time, he whispers under his breath. "Make a lot of noise. This is supposed to be me killing you. Feel free to go limp at any given time." He says and my eye widen as I take it in. I can't tell if that was a strange attempt at last words or he means something else.

I don't get to find out before Farlan is tackling him. He knocks Levi to the ground next to me, but it doesn't take long until Levi is on top of him. Farlan is on this stomach and Levi has Farlan's arm above his head. He leans down and murmurs something right he moves his hands to Farlan's neck.

Then he snaps it.

I don't know if I start screaming or it's just Isabel as she falls to her knees. Levi walks past me and over to Isabel, who frantically crawling away from him. It's pointless though as he picks her up and throws her over his shoulder. He walks over to Farlan's limp body and picks him up and I feel myself whimper from a mix of the physical pain and the pain knowing that of all people, Levi killed Farlan.

I feel myself slipping out of consciousness as someone learns over me. It's a different face his time, but still one I know.

It's Annie.

Her eyes are wide and crazy looking, scanning me as I lay vulnerable under her. It's crazy and it's terrifying as she straddles my waist, putting a patch of gauze over my head and taping it. She looks down at my shirt which is covered in blood now and he hands hover over it, not touching, and that's when I realize the look of her face isn't crazy.

It's panic.

"This wasn't supposed to happen. This wasn't..."

"I know. He took it too far." Another voice says and the voice sounds familiar. I can't see the person nor can I put a face to it, but it makes me cringe. My vision is starting to fade to black, almost as if I'm going blind, but the same is happening with sound. And really any ability to move. I can't tell if I'm falling asleep or passing out or dying, but it's pulling me under. I feel what seems like light taps to my face, but the full smack I hear tells me differently. The world around me fades out and I finally lose.

 

 

* * *

  

 

I wake up handcuffed to a bed. The room is dark. I don't exactly know what's going on. Someone is pressing ice to my head and someone else is stitching my chest. Wait. Stitching my chest...

Right. 

Levi tried to kill me. 

I try to look at the person, but it hurts too much to move. They must notice my struggle because they speak in a hushed voice.

"You're awake." The voice says and I recognize it. 

"Why are you helping me, Annie?" I ask and the voice chuckles.

"I paid my debt." She answers and the other voice speaks.

"If you tell Erwin or my wife, tell them I'm sorry." He says and now I'm even more confused.

"Nile?" 

"Yeah." He answers shortly as he continues work. I start to panic suddenly.

"What are you doing to my chest?" He chuckles at my nervous question as well.

"I'm helping you. Like Annie said, we're done." He announces quietly as if it's an accomplishment and I find myself confused, but I'm slipping away again.

"Thank you." I murmur as I pass out.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

I wake up standing against my will. My feet are on the floor and something has propped my back up. My arms are behind my back, also unable to move, being tied around something round and metal. I open my eyes to be nearly blinded by a bright light. I force my eyes to stay open as they adjust once they do, I survey my surroundings. I'm in a dark room. It looks like a warehouse. There are tall poles that lead up the the ceiling. That's probably what I'm tied to. Annie is standing to the side as if a prisoner. So is Nile. What? Why is he a prisoner?  

Behind them is a man in a mask, pointing a gun at Annie's head. Next to him is Grisha, pointing a gun toward someone in front of me. The person in front of me is Levi, pointing a gun at me. I keep looking around, trying to find a distraction somehow only to see two bodies lying limply on top of each other, a pile of blood underneath them.

It's Isabel and Farlan. 

And suddenly I'm screaming.

"How could you!?" I shout towards Levi who stands with his jaw set.

"They were in the way." He speaks coldly. I've never heard him speak that way. So lifeless. And it has me questioning everything I know about him. One of the reasons I fell for him was because of how much he loved Isabel. And he killed her.

Out of all on the pain in my body, nothing hurts more than looking at the monster who was the person I loved most.

"In the way of what?" I ask, trying to get an answer from anyone at this point. Everything seems off and I don't fully understand what's going on. Maybe that's because of my head. Thats honestly a little worrying. Grisha moves next to Levi, gun still pointed at him. 

"Of you." He says. "You see, we need you to help us. We seem to have a revolt on our hands." His words are sickeningly sweet. 

"Of course people are revolting. You forced them into dictatorship." I spit and he chuckles.

"I consider it a form of monarchy." He responds and I don't even stop myself from rolling my eyes.

"Some king you are. Forcing your people to starve. Beating them whenever they step out of line. Killing people just to gain control." I glance at Levi. "Destroying people to get to others." I don't miss the way his eyes fall ever so slightly. I turn back to Grisha to see him shrug.

"Sometimes people are dispensable when it comes to your goals." He shrugs and I remember just why I wanted to stop him. Because that's just sick. To say you can get rid of some people because they aren't considered important.

"They're still human."

"And so are you and I can kill you if need be." He says and my eyes widen.

"Wow. Some father you are." I sass him, but I don't miss the way his jaw clenches slightly. "I know you know Mom's dead. Probably your doing, especially since you obviously never cared about her, but you know, people are..."

"Shut up!" He screams and I smirk. I'm getting through to him. Good. I want him to know just what kind of person he is before he kills me. "You don't know anything." He says, turning his gun towards me. "I loved your mother. She was just..."

"Too good of a person to help you with fucking world domination? I do have to say, you've made it far from the drug dealing asshole who cheats on his wife. Dictator is such an improvement. I think you've topped the asshole chart." I continue to act like a five-year old. I glance over to Levi to see the way his lips are just slightly upturned and find myself confused by it.

"Are you willing to help us or not, Eren?" Grisha asks and I glare at him.

"What if I don't?"

"Answer his question, women." Levi bites suddenly and my eyes widen. The Levi I know would never say something like that.

"Excuse me?" I snap, and he walks up to me so we're face-to-face. His jaw his set and anyone around us would think he were about to hit me, but I see something in his eyes that makes me question everything. Pain. Him begging me not to do this. And while nothing makes sense, I can see this isn't Levi's intentions.

"Answer the damn question." He retorts, voice unwavering, but something is off. I know I know him well enough to know that. He mouths something that surprised me though. _"Say no."_ He says silently and steps away from me. He holds the gun up as he steps next to Grisha again and I still don't know what to do. Do I trust Levi, or do I go along with it?

Wait. No. That was _never_ an option.

If I agree, this whole thing is pointless, but if I say no, I die. I knew I could going to die from the start. Expected it, even. I think the answer is pretty clear. I look over to the pile of people on the floor and think to myself that I may be joining them soon. But then I notice a sudden movement. A hand, clutching a gun just a bit tighter. And suddenly all the doubt in my mind clears and I realize a new plan is in action. I just have to go along with it.

I turn to Grisha and smirk. "No." And in that moment, five shots are fired. Levi shoots, the masked man shoots three shots, and Isabel shoots. Isabel shoots the masked man, Levi shoots Grisha, and the masked man shoots Annie, Nile, and I before falling to the ground. All four of them are dead on contact. I get shot in the chest. 

And it's the worst pain I've ever felt. I can't even breathe. It's just coughing and feeling as if I'm drowning. Levi sprints over to me as Isabel helps Farlan to his feet. Levi's eyes widen as he sees the gunshot and he stops.

"No. No no no no." He stutters as he lunges to untie my ropes. He's swearing profusely as suddenly nothing is holding my weight and I fall into Levi. He falls with me to the ground, but he quickly moves so he's over me.

"Fuck, Eren!" He says as he moves to pick me up, but pauses. Isabel shrieks as Levi moves his hand from my back to in front of him and my eyes widen too.

It's covered in blood. 

The bullet shot all the way through me.

"Farlan, give me your shirt right now." Levi says, but out of the corner of my eye, I see something moving. Something that shouldn't be moving.

"Le..." 

Grisha picks up a gun as Levi looks to me.

"What is it?"

"I love you." I slur, using the last of my strength to push him to the side, once again getting shot in the chest, but this time, everything suddenly slips away and it's black.

 

 

 


	44. The End Pt. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't kill me until you at least read until the end. Triggers are in here, so be wary.

Levi's POV

 

I stare with wide eyes at Eren, now laying on the floor. Farlan shoots Grisha and he's obviously dead for good this time. She lays face first, blood seeping out under her. Isabel moves immediately to flip her over and all I can do is watch in shock.

She... she saved my life.

But... her's might not even be happening anymore.

Isabel presses her fingers to Eren's neck while putting her ear to her chest. He eyes widen as she sits back up. "She's... dead." She tells me and my heart stops.

She... she's...

Oh no. Oh _fuck_ no. I'm not letting that happen.

I move on top of her and stable her, pressing down on her chest and wondering if it's even going to help at this point. I do thirty compressions before leaning down and blowing air into her mouth. I continue this for several minutes as Farlan calls for help. By the time Eld comes running in, I feel something under my hands.

It's a heartbeat.

"Levi, she's..."

"Her heart's beating." I announce and Eld's eyes widen as he moves to sit down next to me, first aid kit in hand. I move off of her and he instantly takes over, pressing gauze to the front of her chest and Farlan crouches next to him.

"She was shot all the way through. You have to patch up her back too." He tells Eld and stares at Farlan in shock.

"How the fuck is she alive?" He asks and moves her so she's sitting upright. He puts the gauze on her back before wrapping all the way around. He moves over and I pick her up. 

"Where do we go?" I ask and he nods in a direction before getting up and running. I look to Isabel and Farlan and Isabel grabs Farlan's hand and sprints after him. I follow not too far behind. We get on the jet and as soon as we get on, I have three gun pointed at me. Eld turns to me in confusion, obviously not sure what's going on. Farlan steps in front of me and the three look at him in shock.

"You're... alive?" Oluo asks and Farlan's eyebrows furrow, but I know what's going on. They hacked the system again and saw the foutage.

"I didn't actually kill him. It was part of a plan." I tell them and everybody but Gunther lowers their gun, but I can tell he has a different worry in mind.

"What happened to Eren?" He demands of me as we leave the ground. He walks over to me and takes Eren out of my arms and takes Eren to a bench on the other half of the jet. He lays her down and walks over to me. "You stay on that half of the fucking plane. You're not allowed to even touch her. You hear me?" He says and I honestly don't know how to react. Farlan steps in again with Isabel holding his hand.

"Dude, it's not his fault."

"We don't know that for sure yet."

"Yes we do." Farlan says. "We were there. You weren't. Things just didn't go as expected. We heard everything and this wasn't supposed to happen."

"How do you know he isn't lying?"

"Because they thought we were dead and talked in front of us now shut the fuck up Gunther!" He yells and everyone flinches. "Unless there's something you want to tell us." His voice is deadly low when I finally catch up with the situation and it suddenly all makes sense. My hand moves down to my gun as it hits me.

"Why are you so derer mined to protect Eren?" I ask and everybody gapes at me except for Farlan. He knows what I'm thinking.

"I'm trying to save her life."

"You know I am too. You more than we think, don't you?" I say it in the air and I notice how his hand starts to move towards his pocket. I shoot the hand. Eld moves to intervene since I just shot his boyfriend, but Oluo stops him and I know he's caught on.

"What the fuck?!"

"You know, when I was kidnapped, there was someone other than Annie there. Someone who didn't show their face, but they were just about your height. And they had the same gun." I blatantly state and by that time, Jean is next to him, with a fire extinguisher aimed at his head. Gunther takes his gun and points it at Eren suddenly.

"I'll kill her if need be."

"And to think you were trying to protect her." I rebut and he smirks.

"She's valuable property." He says and at that point, Jean has obviously had enough, because he swings and hits him in the head, making him fall to the ground, passed out. Jean crouches next to him and checks his pulse. 

"He's alive." He reassures up before disarming him and tying him up. I turn to Eld. His jaw is locked and he is crying.

"That fucking..." He doesn't finish. He just buries his face in his hands and cries. Farlan sits next to him as I move to Eren, pressing my fingers to check her pulse. She still has one. Good. 

I sit on the floor next to her, my back to the bench, and I take her hand and feel for a pulse on her wrist, making sure it doesn't go away.

The rest of the plane ride is silent.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When I was younger, Isabel had to go to the hospital when she had phenomena. She obviously ended up being okay, but I remember something specific. The waiting room. Everyone around me was either crying or yelling. It was tense. I tried to avoid going there and it was pretty easy since I could stay in her room most of the time, but one day she was with the doctor and I remember something specific.

There was a young man sitting there alone, talking to one of the other doctors, and he was weeping. I overheard something about a surgery gone wrong and how his wife had died. 

I looked at the man with pity back then.

Now I'm scared I might become that man.

I sit in the waiting room, hands folded, across from Mikasa and Armin who are staring holes into my head, asking the obvious question. How the hell did this happen?

I don't bother with an answer. Jean isn't even talking. We're all pretty quiet. Not just about this, but just in general. None of us have spoken much since we came back other than Farlan. He's doing the whole reporter thing right now. Everyone else is here, even Historia, Ymir, and Sasha.

Except Isabel. She won't sit in the same room as me unless Farlan is there. I think she's a little scared of me still. I can't say I blame her.

Everyone was tense when I got here, because apparently, Sasha hacked the system and pulled up the tapes. The second one wasn't found until yesterday since it happened so much later. It was about a two day gap between the two important tapes.

Hanji and Mobilt walk out together after about a 12 hour surgery and Mobilt frowns. "She had to have her lung removed, but luckily, since the bodies were shipped here, we found that Annie's was a perfect match. She was a registered downer. Now we just need to see if Eren's body accepts it." Mobile explains and Armin shakes his head.

"You're not telling up something." His voice is tired. He's been awake with me the whole time while the others slipped in and out of sleep. Mobilt sighs.

"It's not import..."

"Don't you dare finish that sentence." Armin bites and Mobilt flinches. Jean rubs Armin's shoulder as he glares Mobilt into giving him an answer.

"She's weak. She lost a lot of blood, plus she has that head injury." He looks and me at that part and I look down. I really didn't mean to hurt her head again. It was the only way it would work though. "Because of that, if she accepts the lung, it's going to take her up to a month to wake up. Her body need to heal and there's no way she can be awake for that. She's lucky she made it out of that surgery." He says and Mikasa's eyebrows furrow.

"What do you mean?" She asks and he bites his lip, obviously regretting that statement.

"She died on the table at one point. We were able to revive her and solve the problem, but I think she's going to have problems waking up." He continues despite just dropping that bomb. "She has potential for brain damage and not just because of the concussion." He offers me a small smile as if telling me it's not my fault. Well, _all_ my fault. "She had a very small amount of oxygen going to her brain for that whole plane ride. She still shows brain activity, but it's slow. Hopefully this is temporary, but we have to keep watch over her." He tells us and I bury my face in my hands. Eld, who was sitting next to me, puts a hand on my back to comfort me, but it does little to help. I may or may not of caused her permanent brain damage.

People eventually start to clear out until it's just Armin and I. I expect him to scream at me or something, but he just moves next to me and looks at the floor.

"I know you didn't mean for her to get hurt." He starts. "But she did. Her chances are okay. So stop blaming yourself." He says and I gape at him.

"But..."

"The concussion isn't bad enough for brain damage. She was speaking fine in the second tape and she still had enough strength to push you aside before the second bullet." He lays it out for me. "This isn't your fault. I actually respect you for what you did. And I have to thank you. You saved her life." He look at me and I shrug.

"Well, she obviously saved mine too." I state the obvious and he smiles before it suddenly falls.

"Be careful, Levi. You're gonna have to deal with a lot of people who only know half the story. A lot of people see you as a bad guy. Even Mika is mad at you, cause as smart as she is, she's not gonna think logically right now. She's going through a lot." He says. "And also, you know Eren will try to push you away." He says to me and somehow, that just makes sense. She's pretty good at pushing people away sometimes. 

"Yeah."

"Don't you dare let her." His voice is strong when he says it. Deliberate. "She loves you and you love her. This is going to be a hard few months and you need each other. Be there when she wakes up."

"Actually," a new voice adds, "don't be there." Mobilt says. He has a frown on his face. "When she wakes up, I don't want anyone in the room. She need slow exposure to people and Levi probably shouldn't be the first person she sees." He explains.

"Why not?" Armin asks, but I know what he means.

"You think she might be scared of me?" I inquire and he nods.

"We don't know how much she's gonna remember. Plus, even if she remembers all of it, there's a lot of mental trauma that happens when someone sees the ones they love attack them. I'm not saying it's going to be screaming at you or something, but you will be a stimulant. We'll start with Armin. Armin was the only person other than you that she let hold her after the last mission." He tells us the plan and I frown.

"So now what?" I ask and he sighs.

"Now we wait."

 

 

 

 


	45. Wake Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SHE'S AWAKE

I wake up, immediately jolting up. That was some dream I had. We went to battle and... 

A faint beeping make me wonder if it was a dream at all. 

I take a moment to focus on something other than how my mind is racing. There's beeping of a heart monitor. The walls are white. My head hurts and I can barely sit upright. My body is numb. And heavy. It feels heavy, but looking down at my wrist, they've never looked frailer, especially with the IV going in.

I look around and notice I'm alone. I don't know how I feel about that. I mean, being alone is fine and all, but I feel as though there's something serious to this isolation.

I think back over what happened. I got shot in the chest. Twice. 

Grisha was alive.

I rip out the IV and move to stand up. What happened? I need to know. As soon as I try to put my weight on my feet though, I fall to the ground. I hit my head again, making pain return to my body. And it hits me like a bus.

I can't move. At all. I can hardly breathe. Just enough so I'm not suffocating. But it feels like it.

Suddenly someone is running in, helping me to sit upright. It's Armin. The sight of him calms me down a bit. He motions for me to take deep breaths until my breathing regulates. Then he pulls me into a loose hug. And I don't know what it is, but something in me snaps. 

Before I know it, there are two people restraining me and Armin is sitting against the opposite wall, clutching his stomach and looking at me with both concern and fear. I look up to see Farlan and Isabel holding both my arms and I rip away from both of them, scooting to a corner away from them.

I go to ask what's going on, but I can't even produce enough air to make a sound. My lungs feel like someone is driving a knife through them and I freeze.

My hand moves to my back to feel the thread sticking out from my gown from my skin. I really did get shot.

There are more people than I remembered in the room when I look up. Jean, Mikasa, and Sasha are here too. I feel panic rise in me when I notice how many people are missing. Are they alive? Are they all okay?

Levi. If he is alive, is he free? I mean, he didn't technically try to kill us, but the whole thing is a bit weird. It was for our own good. But still, he almost killed me. I have this concussion thanks to him. And this one if worse than the last.

But I still took that bullet for him. And I know why. Because he's still Levi and although he injured me, it wasn't him who shot me. That cut was survivable. He was trying to save my life. He's still the man I love.

A man who I'm honestly a bit scared of right now.

I look at everyone in the room as they look back at me, I feel as though there's a barrier between me and them. Neither of us will cross it, but we can sit in acknowledgment of it. My eyes flicker cautiously from person to person, aware of their every move. It's almost a prey-like feeling. I don't like it.

I try to take even breaths, try to function like a normal human being, but I fail. The edges of my vision are fading and I feel something slightly deeper than sleep coming on. It's not what I felt during them mission, no, that was heavy. This is just a deep kind of peaceful. The world is forced out of my mind as blackness overcomes me.

 

 

* * *

  

 

I wake up this time to see a face that has me conflicted. It's Levi. I'm half in relief and half in fear as he sits next to my bed. He isn't holding my hand. He's staring at me with a look that tears me apart inside. His eyes are red like he's been crying and hasn't gotten any sleep.

He looks at me sadly and I don't know what my face looks like, but it's probably not helping much. We stare at each other for what feels like ages before he looks down.

"So, Grisha is dead. The Titans lost. All the refugees are here. Historia is having a coronation. She and Ymir are getting married before then. The wedding is in two months." He informs me, voice quiet. "Hanji and Erwin are happy as ever. He finally told us what's going on. Apparently you were the push he needed." He has a small smile during that part, but it falls when he looks back up at me and I have a feeling I know what's coming next. "You're heart stopped twice after you got shot. Once in Shinganshia and once during surgery. You had an organ transplant. You also have screws in four ribs." He tells me, looking at my chest. "You saved my life." He says quietly, as if the thought brings him pain. I understand how he feels. It's how I felt after the mission before this. But he's even more at war internally. Because he was part of the cause.

I wish I could say something, but even if I could, I wouldn't know what to say. I guess if start with the fact I still love him. Then that I'm scared of him. Or, maybe just what he did. The thought of seeing Farlan go limp sends a shiver up my spine. But, it wasn't real. He had to pretend to save us.

But apparently, it almost wasn't enough. I... died? The thought is terrifying. Do I not remember it? I guess the life flashing before my eyes thing kind of happened. It's been happening a lot lately.

But even with this questioning little bit of fear in me, I still want to hold him. I still want to let him know I'm his. That I'm not as scared of him as what I thought I saw him do. But he didn't. That's what matters.

But I can still see it.

I can see the good and the bad. Him swinging his knife as me and him laying asleep next to me, his eyes opening with immediate happiness and love.

_Does he still love me?_

Because he doesn't look like it right now. He's staring at the ground and he looks an awful lot like he wants to leave. I wouldn't be surprised; I'm pretty broken right now.

I look down at my middle finger to see that I'm still wearing my thin silver band. He probably wants it back. But, I don't think I'm ready for that yet. For him to truly leave me, even if he's already left emotionally.

Is it sad that that is what actually has me crying? The fact that I might have to do this alone? I don't even know if it's as much being alone as it is being without Levi. I thought when I had him back, we could go back to normal, but we can't, can we?

I look up at him to see the sad look on his face. He moves his hand towards my face, then thinks against it and lowers it. I try my best to say something that's on my mind, but it only comes out as an airy "I'm sorry." I say and he shakes his head.

"I should be the one saying sorry. I've brought you so much pain." He responds as a tears start rolling down his face. I shake my head as well.

"No... This was... my choice." I whisper. I can't talk loudly. This is all I can do. He looks down to my chest and takes a deep breath.

"Do you still want me?" He asks, not looking up. He wants a verbal answer.

"Of course." I answer honestly and he sighs.

"I hurt you so badly." He says as if that'll change my mind.

"Do you... still want me?" I ask, having to pause to breathe and he nods.

"Always." He responds and I nod.

"Then you get it." I whisper. I have to take a deep breath to catch up on air after all that talking. I continue when I can. "It was my fault... you got kidnapped... in the first place." I justify. It's true. Him having to do that was my fault.

"But I chose to." He admits quietly and I'm suddenly sitting upright.

"What?" I breathe out. It's barely audible, but I know he hears it when he huffs a breath.

"Annie told me it was either she take me or you. So, I went with her." He says and my heart stops. He... he left? On purpose? He did what I had feared would happen. He got hurt because he was trying to protect me.

He did this to protect me. 

But that's not enough this time. 

No, he betrayed me. He stabbed my in the back. I had begged for him not to do this, but he did anyways. It's the reason I didn't want to be with him in the beginning. I didn't want him to do something like this. To get hurt because of me. My face must say all of this, because his eyes fall to the bed. So do mine.

"Leave." I murmur. I see out of the corner of my eye the way his head shoots up. He opens his mouth, but I don't give him the time. "Go. Now." I demand and after a moment, he does move. He walks over to the door and pauses. 

"I did it because I love you." He says to me and I close my eyes.

"If you... really did, you... would've known... not to do it." My voice is gravelly. I can barely recognize it. Tears are still rolling down my face, but I start fully weeping when I hear the door open and then close.

And I sit there alone, a new pain coming in that hurts more than anything. My heart aches knowing he did this.

I don't care if he did it because he loves me, it was what I had literally _feared_. I was stuck here thinking he was going to die because there was nothing I could do about it. But there was. And I would've gone if I had had the choice. But he didn't give me that choice. He left and wow, didn't that do a lot of good protecting me? I might as well be dead right now. I have my doubts about how much I'll be able to recover. Will I ever be able to run again? I can barely talk and sitting up winds me.

I just... I don't know. I can't even think straight right now. I'm mad at him. I'm so mad at him. But I don't want him to leave me. And I don't know if it's stupid or selfish or what, but I need him.

My hands find my face as I sob and wonder if I just pushed him away for good.

 

 

 

 


	46. I Can

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, if you saw my tumblr post, that's my shitty excuse of why I've been gone. I'm really sorry. Things happened and it kept me from writing and getting really anything done except graduating. Snaps to all of you who tolerate me, honestly. I can't thank you enough:)
> 
> Now, about the chapter, this is Levi's POV and it's a bit all over the place, but I think it does what needs to be done. Enjoy:)

Levi's POV

 

I leave the room before I can start to cry. It doesn't take long after the door shuts that I do though. I walk by people who all eye me wearily. I don't blame them.

The only reason the police didn't throw my ass in jail is because Farlan spoke up about what happened and Erwin believed him. Isabel won't talk to me. Nor will Mikasa. Armin does, but I feel as though his eyes are stabbing my soul every time we talk.

I walk through hallways, just trying to find somewhere to be alone. I have to stay here for awhile while they check my apartment and see if they can get Eren to talk.

I might end up in jail after all.

I eventually find myself on the roof, laying down as I try to collect myself. I can't go down there sobbing like an idiot. I just don't get it. She's pushing me away because I was trying to protect her. Even if it didn't seem like it.

I turn back as the door behind me opens. I relax when I see it's just Erwin. I turn away and wipe my face as he moves to sit next to me.

"Hard day?" He asks and I nod.

"At least she's awake." I try, but he wraps an arm around me and I break down again. I cry into his shoulder, not liking how young and emotional it makes me feel. I'm not an emotional person, but Eren has always had her ways of making me feel things.

I explain everything to Erwin and he hums in understanding at the very end. Before I can ask what he's thinking, he decides to enlighten me.

"You do remember she took a bullet for you, right?" He asks and I nod. 

"That's not exactly something I can forget." I tell him and he nods.

"But when you did the same thing for her, what was her initial reaction?" He inquires and I pause.

"She cried and yelled at me." I remember and Erwin nods.

"This is like that for her. She doesn't want anyone getting hurt because of her. And you kind of did just that." He explains. "She loves you. She really, really loves you. That's why she's mad." He finishes and I frown.

"So what can I do now?" I ask and he sighs.

"Be there next time she wakes up and wait until she comes around. She will, eventually." He says and I nod.

"If I'm not thrown in jail by then." I laugh, but he frowns.

"This isn't you're fault, Levi. You need to understand that. You had no way of knowing any of that was going to happen." He tells me and I look down.

"Then why won't Isabel even talk to me?" I ask and he sighs.

"Isabel isn't talking. Period." He says and my head snaps up to look at him.

"Wha..."

"She's in shock. She hasn't looked anyone in the eyes since she came back. She only makes a sound when Farlan leaves, and she just screams until he comes back. I don't think it's you as much as thinking you killed him." He informs me and I almost start crying again.

"Dammit." I growl. At who? Probably myself. I wish I had had a choice, but I didn't. I can't take it back. This is what happened and I did the best I could.

I just wish that could've been enough.

Honestlu, I know nothing is the same. And I mean that. If that happened to me, I do t know how I'd react, but I still have hope. If I've learned anything from Eren, you can never fully run out of hope. There's always a little glimmer of light.

Still, I'm scared of what's to come.

Armin eventually comes up too, not saying anything as he sits on the other side of me. He's been my solace in these past few weeks. He's gotten me through this without losing my mind. He's Eren's best friend, so he tells me things about her as it is; different scenarios of what could happen. To bad he didn't account for this one.

He stays silent, just put his hand on my shoulder for support before lowering it. None of us talk for the rest of the day.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It's been three days and Armin, Mikasa, and I stay in Eren's room. Armin tries to make casual conversation, but Mikasa just glared at me and Eren won't look any of us in the eye. I don't know why she's acting like this to them, but the part that's the worst is I can tell she's trying, but just can't do it, even for them.

Jean and Farlan talk to her when we leave the room sometimes, both coming out with stories. She talks to Jean about everyone who has died and he's trying to help her come to terms with it. She talks to Farlan about life in general. Isabel, her friends, the country, the refugees, me; anything and everything. Isabel comes by, but she's not ready to talk. She's a lot like Eren in that way since Eren only seems to talk to Jean, Farlan, and Hanji. Even when she talks to Hanji, it's strictly medical.

Erwin comes and visits, mostly just to catch us up and offer support. He doesn't bother talking to Eren. He knows that she's not ready and he doesn't push it. Sasha still tries, but that normally makes Eren close up on herself for awhile. Historia is in Sina for business, but Ymir stayed here to see if she could help. She's helping refugees while visiting Eren once a day.

I can't tell if Eren's making progress or not. She just... lays there. She's talking, so at least she's got that going for her. She hasn't moved much since the first day either. 

This is the first time I've heard her voice since she told me to leave. Mikasa, Armin, and I left the room and I'm just coming back in when I hear her crying. Farlan speaks in a soft whisper with her as she sobs. 

"It's going to be okay. You know he didn't actually hurt us. You know..."

"I know, Farlan!" She screams before coughing profusely. She calms down and after a few minutes of heavy breathing, she takes again, voice quiet and rough. "I know. And that's what makes it harder... It's like two halves of mind... are fighting. I just remember what happened and how... how he had a gun pointed at me. And for some reason, I... can't remember just who shot me. But I told him I... loved him and took... a bullet for him, so it obviously wasn't him... But he... he went willingly."

"To protect you."

"I know, but... doesn't he know how much easier it would've been if I... had been taken? How much easier it would've been... if I just died?!" She's yelling again and this time she breaks into a sob. At this point, I'm just sitting next to the door, only open a crack and I know other people in the hall can hear what she's saying. I'm crying too as I sit there, fighting my instinct to go in and try to help.

"Far, I'm still in love with him. I'm so in love with him. But it's so hard. I want to hold him, but... I choke up even talking to him. I don't know... how to handle being around him. I've hurt him so many times... and I don't want him to get hurt because of me ever again." She says and I'm just short of sobbing. Because all I want is to help her and tell her that no matter what, I want to be with her, but I know I can't walk in now.

And I'm also angry that after all this time, after everything we've been through, after all the times _she's_ gotten hurt over _me_ , that she's pushing me away because she's trying to protect _me_. She's almost died so many fucking times. Hell, she did die! And she's trying to protect me!? She said it would've been easier if she had died than for me to be kidnapped, but does she not realize I feel the exact same way? That this isn't a one sided feeling? I'm in love with her! I have been for a while now and it's not changing. I'm just able to stop myself from barging in when Farlan says exactly when I wanted to say.

"Eren, you're trying to protect him... after being in a coma after being shot twice in the chest?" He points out and she pauses.

"Yeah. Yeah I am." She answers with certainty and he sighs.

"Just... think of him right now. And not just his safety. Think of his feelings. Think of him when your heart stopped beating. You were in his arms. Do you know what that did to him? It was a miracle that you survived. Just remember that." He reminds her and she doesn't say anything for awhile, just stays silent before speaking.

"When we were there and I took the bullet for Levi... I remember exactly what went through my head." She says and I hear her shift in her bed. "I didn't want him to die. I wanted him to live, even if it was without me. I wanted him to be happy and move on with his life. So I let myself get shot. I wanted him to move on." She says and I can hear that she's crying. "And I still want that. Farlan, I still want him to be happy and move on. I... I... I'm so weak." She's crying uncontrollably, but keeps talking. "I'm so weak and... he deserves someone better and... I don't know if I can fully recover. But I love him and I want him and I don't know if I can..." Before I know what I'm doing, I'm walking in and sitting down. I don't look at either of them, my eyes on the floor, but I know they probably know something is up. I sigh and talk.

"Stop trying to push me away." Is all I say. Farlan stays in the room while Eren and I cry not really to each other, but certainly about each other. Farlan gets up after awhile and leaves, patting me on the back to announce that he's leaving. When he's gone, Eren sighs.

"You heard all of that, didn't you?" She asks and I nod.

"Just about." I admit and she sighs. I think she's about to say something when she breaks into a sob. I look up at her just in time to see her reach out and grab my hand, looking as if she's in pain because of it. She probably is. Anytime anyone touches her she has a panic attack.

"I love you, but this... is getting so hard... I can't see you get hurt anymore." She tells me and I frown.

"You think I don't feel the same? I've seen you in a hospital gown too many times, Eren." I say and she actually chuckles.

"This isn't how I thought this... would end, but I guess I can't change it." She says and I look down.

"Are you seriously leaving me?" I ask, ignoring how even the question breaks my heart. Her hand tightens around mine as she answers.

"I... I want you to decide." She says. "I want you to tell me if you still want me. After everything I put you through. After..."

"Yes." I don't even give her the chance to answer. I just cover her hand with my other one and she jolts a little, but smiles a little as well. "Eren, I still want to marry you. I know we have a long way to go, but I know you're the one for me." I tell her and she genuinely smiles.

"I didn't think you would say that, honestly." She admits and I shrug.

"Well, I love you. I always will." I honestly say and she surprises me by getting up and walking over to me. She sits on my knees, as far as she can and takes both my hands.

"I don't know how long I can do this... so just let me." She says and before I can ask what she's talking about, she lays her head on my shoulder. Her breathing is ragged like she's trying not to panic, but she's trying, so I don't push her away. She wants to do this. She's trying to make progress. "I... I don't know what's happening to me. Everything feels... different but... you feel the same." She says and I smile.

"Well, I'm glad." I whisper and her breathing regulates bit by bit until she's breathing steady. Her hand lace into mine, but I know it's more just to keep me from moving and scaring her. I don't blame her. Self-preservation is important for her right now, and that alone is progress. Her taking care of herself.

She stays like this for while until she decides she's had enough and sits up, staying where she is, but just looking at me. She uses a free hand to move up to my face, but it fall short and she lets it drop. I can tell she's trying, but just can't. She offers me a weak smile and I give her a small one in return.

"I really do love you." She whispers and I close my eyes for a second before looking back into those big blue eyes of hers.

"I love too. I always will." I say and she lets out a soft, breathy laugh, almost like a sigh and I see her first genuine smile.

"Levi, we did it." She tells me with a grin. "We made it out. It's okay now. We're alive and... and we're okay." She says and just stares at me with loving eyes like she did before I left and right when she found me. Eyes that make me believe everything will be okay. And it is. It's finally okay.

"We did." I say, eyes falling to her hand where she still wears a ring on her middle finger. I take her hand and take it off, leaving her with a confused expression until she looks up at my face. 

"I... I want to marry you, Eren. I do. I want to be with you for as long as I can and I know you may not be ready yet, but know I am. I'm okay with waiting." I explain, holding up the ring. "Will you eventually marry me?" I ask and she has tears rolling down her face as she nods. Her hand moves to my cheek to wipe tears I didn't know we're there.

"Yes. But, I don't want to get married until I'm out of here. Until I know I can leave here. Okay?" She says and I take her hand, slipping the ring onto the correct finger and nodding. 

"Okay."

By the time she's asleep and I go to get something to eat, the whole clinic knows it's official.

 


	47. Blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here I convinced you all that you're in the clear.

Armin and Mikasa set up blankets and pillows in my room to sleep with me. They sleep on the floor, me still not being okay next to them. Levi settles on the wooden chair, refusing to leave. It's been about a week since I woke up and I found out it's been 3 since the mission. I wouldn't wake up because of my head and they had been becoming scared that I wouldn't ever wake up. 

I weigh under 100 pounds now. I haven't been this small since middle school. I haven't looked in the mirror, but my arms are frighteningly small. Mikasa keeps trying to get me to eat, but I'm nauseous all the time and the very idea of chewing makes my head throb. They feed me through another iv.

I'm always hooked up to some kind of cord. It's annoying. I once almost choked in my sleep because of my oxygen cord, ironically. They try to avoid chords, I know they do, but I can't avoid an oxygen cord. My problem is in my lungs.

Well, one of my problems. My head is up there too. My body hurts. My lungs kill like a bitch. And I haven't been able to touch Levi since I woke up in a panic and that hurts more that I thought it would. I want him to lay with me. I want him to hold me and for everything to be okay, but it isn't. Not yet. He doesn't leave my side and I give him some props for that. Especially since Mikasa looks about ready to murder him.

She's far more angry that I was. I'm not sure if anyone told her what happened, but I can tell she's heard something about him going rouge. She probably just doesn't know how it ended. It's not even that he hurt me physically, it's the fact that he basically destroyed most of the trust I have for him. For anyone, really.

I have to be held down whenever people change my needles or something. Not even Armin can touch me. He's tried to hug me once since I threw him at a wall and I flinched. He stopped trying since after that.

Isabel and Farlan visit a lot. Farlan tries to bring up what happened a lot, but he's silenced by Isabel and me. Isabel just shakes her head, still not talking, and I'm really not ready to deal with every thing. Not yet.

Jean visits a lot too. We don't talk much. Not because either of us have any beef towards the other, but because he knows it's useless to talk about it. It's over. So, small talk is all that's needed, along with the occasional deep talk when I kick Armin, Levi, and Mika out. They get that I need alone time still and nobody can really distrust Jean. I only really talk to him, Farlan, and Isabel. The others are still a bit too much for me to handle.

Sasha's never knows what to say when she comes in, but she always has a flower and leaves it next to my bed. I have a full bouquet now from the sheer amount of times she's visited me.

Hanji limits how much people can see me other than Levi, Mika, and Armin, knowing they won't leave. The light is dimmed at all times and I have to have "quiet hours" where no one can make a sound. She's worried since this is my second major head injury. She said there are slight signs of damage, mostly with my motor control and how I respond to strong emotions since I often end up having panic attacks when I'm overwhelmed. She's worried that not only am I going to have trouble healing, but this might worsen my PTSD. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if it has. I literally can't even hug my best friend or my sister or my fiancé. Something about that isn't right.

Today, Hanji kicked he others out for a little while and she has toys for toddlers she's making me use them. And it's pathetic.

"Okay, where do you put the cube?" 

"Up your ass." I retort and she sighs.

"Eren, can you please take this seriously." She asks and I scoff.

"You're having me... tell you that I have... to put a damn cube... in a square hole... I've been able to do that since I was two." I sass, stopping to breathe and she writes something down. I groan. "Why do I need to do this?" I ask and she pinches the bridge of her nose.

"Because frankly, this is the most you've talked since you've woken up and I need to do my fucking job to make sure you don't have damage. Please cooperate. This isn't any easier for me than it is for you." She snaps, voice not rising though. Always careful. Always thoughtful. I look down.

"Sorry." I say and I watch her shadow go to put a hand on my shoulder, then retract. 

"It's fine. I understand that it's hard. But remember, I'm more than just a doctor; I'm also your friend. Just tell me if anything is bothering you." She says and I sigh.

"I don't know exactly what... you're digging for, but chances are, I... don't wanna talk about it... Sorry." I heave at the end and she smiles calmly.

"It's all good. But if you do, I'm here." She assures me.

"I'm sorry I've been so... snappy. Talking is... literally painful." I tell her, knowing I'm going to have to stop soon. This has been enough exercising my lungs for one day. I think she senses that, because she flips to a new page in her notebook and hand it to me, along with a pen.

"It's fine. I know you're not gonna like this, but I gotta make you finish the puzzle." She says and I pick up my pen. I press the tip to the paper to write a retort, but after a few seconds of thinking, I realize I completely lost my train of thought. I look up to Hanji to see her worried face and my eyebrows furrow. I go to ask what's wrong when I realize what's going on.

How the fuck do I not know how to write?

I drop the pen as my jaw also drops. I think this is the first time it really hits me that there might be something wrong with me that's not just pain. That I can't overcome. Can I overcome brain damage?

"Calm down. It's okay." Hanji tries to calm me. I look up at her and take a deep breath.

"Something... is seriously wrong... isn't it?" I ask and she bites her lip.

"There's a good chance that this is temporary, but we still have to be careful. We need to cut back on the stimulants for now. Mikasa and Armin should probably stop sleeping here for a little while, just until we can figure this out." She explains to me, but it does nothing to ease me.

"Hanji, I don't... understand what's going on. Why... can't I write? I can't even... remember what to do. That's not normal." I'm basically just sighing out words at this point. My heart monitor is beeping too fast and there's a new beeping I haven't heard before. Hanji swears.

"Shit, stop talking." She says and before I can ask what's going on, I start coughing. But what comes out isn't spit.

It's blood.

Hanji stares at the puddle on my chest before snapping out of it. My vision is starting to blur as Hanji runs to the hallway before coming back in with Mobilt. And it feels like I'm suffocating again. That feeling that pulls you under and you feel like you're drowning. I close my eyes and wait until I'm pulled under again, hoping I'm able to be pulled back out. 


	48. Help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heh... heh... *hides*

Levi's POV

 

"She's _what_?!" I shout. People around me freeze as Erwin grabs my arm and pulls me into his office. Once we're in there again, he tries to calm me down.

"Eren was taken into surgery again. Her wounds reopened in her lung. She's going to have to be put on a ventilator for a little while." He says and I don't even realize I'm falling until he pulls me into a hug, supporting my weight. "She gonna be okay." He comforts me and I shake my head. 

"Dammit Erwin, this is all my fault." I whisper and he pulls away from me so we're face-to-face.

"She'd already be dead if it weren't for you." He reminds me and I look down.

"What if she doesn't make it out this time?" I don't know exactly who I'm asking. He sighs and looks back up at me.

"She's going to be okay. Don't worry." He says confidently and it honestly helps a bit. I leave the room, knowing Erwin is on my trail. We walk to the infirmary and I look around for a waiting room where Armin and Mikasa could be.

When I find them, I also find everyone else. They all glare at me except for my squad, Armin, and Isabel. Isabel gives me a weak smile while Farlan comes up and hugs me. Erwin and I both sit down, but before I can, Mikasa pulls my arm to keep me standing. Then she slaps me across the face. Sasha gets up and holds her back as she starts screaming.

"This is all your fault! You're the reason she's in surgery right now!" 

"Mikasa, stop." 

"No Farlan, you stop!" She shouts and turns back to me. "You almost killed her in the first place! It's you're fault she's dying and..."

"No, it's not." Isabel says quietly. It's the first time she's talked since coming back and everybody notices. Her eyes don't lift off the floor as she continues. "He had a plan. A good plan. He knew Annie and Nile were starting to regret helping the Titans. He knew if he made her pass out, they would make sure she didn't die. He was confident and he was right. For the plan to work, she needed to be weak.

"He pretended to kill Farlan so everyone would think he was serious. He carried us to a place with no cameras and right when I was about to kill him myself, Farlan stood up and I knew Levi was still with us. He told us the plan. He knew it would work. And it did. Almost.

"He got her to say no to them because she loved him. She trusted him. But apparently, they were onto his plan, because Grisha's assistant shot Eren as well as shooting Annie and Nile. It wasn't what he was supposed to do. But he did.

"Then, when we were fussing over getting Eren to stop bleeding, she saw that Grisha hadn't totally died and he was trying to shoot Levi. So, she pushed him out of the way and took a second bullet to the chest.

"She could've recovered from one bullet, but she took the second one knowing she probably wouldn't make it. It's not Levi's fault. No, it's Eren's. She sacrificed herself for Levi. And now she's paying for it." She just lays it all out for us. What we all had been overlooking this whole time. The fact that Eren didn't just get shot. No, she took the bullet. Accepted it. To the point where she told me she loved me as if those would be her last words.

And suddenly, I'm crying again. Tears falling down my unchanging face. Mikasa is looking at the ground and Sasha is holding her hand, her spare covering her eyes. Armin is staring at me in shock and Jean is rubbing his shoulder, but I don't miss how both of them look like they've been crying. Farlan wraps an arm around Isabel as she pulls her knees up to her chest. Ymir and Historia, who came as soon as they heard what happened, have similar reactions. Eld looks down and Oluo stares blankly ahead as he holds a crying Petra.

And I think that's what makes it the worse. The fact that she was trying to save me while knowing she was probably going to die. She was leaving behind so many people who love her just to save me. I don't know whether to feel guilty or honored.

There's suddenly a pair of arms around me and I look down to see Armin's face buried in my chest. Jean and Mikasa both look shocked, but Sasha has a look of understanding on her face. Armin pulls away and looks up at me.

"Thank you. You did your best." He says before leaving the room. Jean sigh and covers his face with his hands as it hits me.

"She's not going to make it, is she?" I ask and he sighs.

"She has pretty shitty chances, but she's a fighter." He tells me but now I'm just flat out worried.

I turn to Erwin who frowns and looks down. I guess he wasn't as sure as he thought he was. I sit next to him as we sit in silence, waiting to see if she makes it out this time.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Everyone else is asleep when Armin comes back. He sits next to me and lays his head on my shoulder. He doesn't say anything, so I wrap my arm around him. I can tell he's done all of his crying by now, so he's just waiting. Mikasa was, but she ended up crying herself to sleep.

Fifteen hours. Is been fifteen hours and not so much as a peep from any of the doctors and I'm terrified. What if she doesn't make it out? I've been weighing out what could happen and I've come up with millions of situations. I mean, I've had fifteen hours.

Armin sighs and looks up at me. "Stop thinking. It's easier if you don't think." He whispers and my hands clench and unclench nervously.

"I can't stop thinking." I admit and he nods.

"I get it, but we don't know anything. She's good at healing. She is. She has a long road ahead, but she can do it."

"But what if..."

"Just wait until we know. Even if you're expecting it, it's not gonna be any easier. So just keep hope. It'll help you keep sane." He tells me and I look to the floor.

"Thanks." I murmur and he chuckles.

"Glad I can do something." He says bitterly and I look up at him to see a glimmer of self-disgust in his eyes. "I never understood why Eren would want to do something like this. Now, I do. I just feel like I'm useless." He tells me and I shake my head.

"Armin, you do realize that you have one of the highest positions for your age possible. Even if you aren't doing that much right now, chances are, you're going to be the one who can change everything." I tell him and he looks up at me in confusion.

"What do you mean?" He ask and I smile.

"You're only going up from here. Erwin has a lot of respect for you and your mental ability. We were in a time of war which isn't really his jurisdiction as much as mine. Now's your time. I know you've been thinking about how to rebuild a lot of these developing states. Propose your ideas. I know he'll listen." I suggest to him and I see the way his mind processes the idea and he lights up.

"You're right." He says. "Thank you."

"It's nothing." I respond and he settles back on my shoulder.

"I think we should hang out more. You know, you being my bests friend's fiancé." He says and I ignore the elephant in the room for both of our sakes.

"I'd like that." I say and Hanji comes into the room looking horribly tired. She looks at me and smiles and I can suddenly breathe again.

"Mobilt is closing her up. She's stable, but we have to put her into an induced coma. She'll be on the ventilator and we're keeping her under until her stitches dissolve." She tells us and I sigh.

"Oh my god." I basically breathe out the words and Armin nods.

"I only want a few people. there when she wakes up. You can decide who that is, but it should be someone who will constantly be there. Her anxiety is at a peak right now. It should be people she's comfortable with. So, probably you two, Farlan, and Isabel."

"Shouldn't Mikasa..."

"No, I shouldn't." Mikasa cuts me off and I notice how her and Farlan have woken up. "She's my sister and I love her, but I'm too emotional. You guys can keep her level headed easier." She says and Farlan nods.

"So, it'll be the four of us." He says and Hanji smiles.

"Okay, you guys can see her in a couple of minutes. I'll let you know." She tells us and goes back to the back room. Armin and Farlan turn to me and say the same thing at basically the same time.

"You should go alone."

 

 

* * *

 

 

When I get into the room, I find out more details. Like how Eren died in the table and was revived and how she'll most likely be in this coma for at least two weeks. They say she'll lose a lot of strength and weight. They say she'll be on edge a lot, and it'll be hard for her. God, is it going to be hard for her. She has a predicted recovery, possibly a full one, but most likely, she will be limited physically.

Hanji tried to lighten the mood to tell me I can't have sex with her until she's recovered enough to breathe normally and I just rolled my eyes. I honestly don't give a shit if it ever happens again. I just need her to be okay.

When I see her, it actually hurts a little bit. She just looks so frail. She has like 10 different iv's in her and a breathing tube going down her throat. Her eyes are hallowed like she's not sleeping enough despite being in a literal coma.

"Levi..."

"I just... I don't know why she did it." I say, turning to Hanji. "I don't know why she was willing to do all of this for me." I tell her and she smiles sadly.

"I know you would've done the same." She says and I look down.

"Yeah, I guess." I murmur and she sighs.

"I think you should go home. You can come visit every now and then, but take care of yourself. I'll let you know when she's going to wake up." She tells me and I nod.

"Thank you, Hanji." I say as I get up and she comes over to hug me.

"It's nothing." She tells me against my shoulder. She pulls away and kisses my cheek. "Get some rest and eat something. If you're gonna be here for her, you gotta keep yourself out of a hospital bed." She jokes and I chuckle.

"Will do, Doc." I joke and she rolls her eyes before shooing me out of the room.

I go home to find Farlan, Isabel, and Erwin in my living room. They're watching a movie with pizza and tequila in front of them. Erwin turns to me as the door opens and I walk over and sit next to him. We both look ahead at the movie.

"We're here for you." He murmurs and I notice how he other two have fallen asleep, but honestly them being here means everything.

"Thanks."

"Mhm." 

We sit there and Erwin and I get drunk together, along with the other two when they wake up, and I know that with them, I can get through this. And so can she.

 

 


	49. Out in the Open

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took so much creative freedom with this chapter because like it's only three weeks and she had her FIRST surgery five weeks ago so even this much movement is highly unlikely, but whatever, I don't care. I needed something happy. Please enjoy! And yes, we're getting closssssse to the end kind offffffff. Lots of falling action. Lots.

My eyes open in a strange state. I can tell it's been while since I've been awake. I can't tell how long, but it's been awhile. All I can do at the moment is open my eyes. I can't even feel my body. It's more of an out-of-body experience. I move them enough to see Levi at the foot of my bed. He's looking at me with wide eyes. I try to move my head up to look at hI'm better, but my head feels like it weighs a hundred pounds.

I use my hands to feel around, trying to figure out my body again. One of my arms are too heavy to move much, but I lift it enough to see the multiple chords in it. My other hand moves to my chest and I feel a bump on one of my breasts. It's uneven and and I suddenly realize that's where I was shot. Both shots are next to each other, making it come from the same stitch. I move my hands to my mouth and realize with a jolt that I can't breathe. I'm not the one breathing. The tube is.

"Eren, it's okay. It's just so you can focus on healing instead of breathing." Levi informs me and I just barely nod. Levi is sitting next to me, a worried look on his face. It breaks my heart. 

He fills me in on everything I missed while I was passed out. But what they don't know is I had a lot of time to think in the past... I think they said three weeks. It was a strange feeling of thinking. Like have a dream where you just talk to yourself. Think about life.

One of the things that I realized was how fucking stupid I was for pushing him away. I mean, it makes sense, but not enough for me to make him leave. I realized why I keep doing shit like this.

I keep getting scared he's going to leave on his own.

And I think he already knows this. 

But, for fuck's sake, I _want_ him. I always have and it's only grown with the time away. He's the man I love. I'd go so far as to say he's the love of my life. I mean, I said it before, but that was _before_. I keep thinking every time something like this happens, it's going to change everything. I was just scared. Because for some reason, the idea of him choosing to be taken to save me was equal to him freely leaving me. I've never been too bright. I honestly didn't consider him just saving my life. I still do have that little bit of doubt in my mind, but that comes with being crippled. And I mean crippled. No one has told me whether or not I'll fully recover yet and I'm worried I won't.

Levi tried to continue acting normal until something in him snaps and I watch as he crumbles. He sobs, still trying not to appear as broken as he is and it kills me. "I've been in waiting rooms for the past two months, waiting to see if I can even get a second chance. To see if maybe I really fucked up this time. To see if you survived." What shocks me most of everything he says right now is when he breaks down crying. That has me propping myself up on my arms to look at him as he sits in the chair next to my bed. It's like he's just been waiting to let it out; like he's been shoving his emotions to the side and it's just blowing up.

"Eren, you saved my life. And there you are, laying in bed after your second near-death surgery and I'm walking just fine. And it _kills_ me." He whispers and my eyes widen. "You have no right to be mad at me because you've almost died three times now because you were trying to protect me. Stop pushing me away. All I want is to be with you." He say and it hits me like a truck. I'm putting him through what I went through. I look up at him to see him sigh as a tear rolls down his face. He moves to get up, but I quickly grab his hand. He looks down at me in shock.

"Eren..." I shake my head to stop him. This is all I can to. The only way I can tell him I want him to stay. That I need him here. And suddenly, the touch doesn't hurt. Because it's Levi and I trust him. I love him. And I need him here with me. 

He sits on the edge of my bed and I smile around the tube. He leans down and kisses my forehead gently and I squeeze his hand. "Don't worry, I'm not leaving." He whispers to me and I cry tears of relief I didn't know I was holding back. I squeeze his hand again since there's not much else I can do and he smiles. I know he gets it and that's all that matters.

We just sit, both of us crying but relaxed at the same time. This is the first time we know for sure we're safe. The war is over. We're both alive and I know it can still work out.

It's going to be slow coming back. I mean, I can't even talk to him right now. There's no way for us to talk about where we pick this up. I mean, last time we were together we had just had sex and he was planning on proposing. We're so far from that now, but I don't doubt we can make it back there.

I scoot over to make room for him to lie down. I don't care if I wake up in a panic attack, I feel a literal ache I want him to hold me so badly. I pull on his hand and after a moment of hesitation, he settles in next to me. I use my free arm to wrap around his neck, the other being occupied with an IV. One of his hands finds my waist and the other one tangles itself in my hair. He sighs and closes his eyes.

"This is what has gotten me through the past two months." He says and opens his eyes. "Hoping I would get to come home to you." He smiles and I feel my cheeks heat up. I want to tell him the same, but I can't really talk. I want to kiss him, but my breathing tube is in the way. I want to write to him, but I haven't tried since my stitches broke. I want to communicate with him in some way, but I know I'm lucky. This is Levi. He understands me well enough to know that this is a big step for me right now. It may have been easy before, but I'm still a bit tense in his arms. Still, it's nice. Even if my body doesn't fully believe me, I know I'm safe.

Safe.

I haven't felt that in a very long time. 

I mean, I guess it is a bit my fault. I didn't have to take the second bullet, but in that moment, I knew I could die as long as Levi could live. And to me, that was worth it. I guess I don't have much room to talk. I mean, it's been over a month and I'm just getting to a stable point, and that's while being on a ventilator.

I hate being this weak, but it really does help to have Levi. I wouldn't go so far at to say he's a distraction. More like an accomplishment. We're alive because of each other. And that's a strange thought. That now, with everything so calm and my head resting on his beating heart, it might not have been possible. It almost wasn't.

He's right when he says I have no room to be mad. If I did, then he'd have grounds to just up and leave me. But he didn't and that alone says it all. No matter what happened before, we were doing it for each other. And maybe that's why as my hand moves up to stroke his cheek, I feel as though we're still as connected as we were two months ago. Because we did it all for each other.

In a last resort kind of way, I lift my hand and sign to him "I love you". It's something Mikasa, Armin, and I have been doing for years, but I don't know if he gets it. A look of surprise crosses his face and he smiles.

"I love you too." He says and kisses my forehead and I smile, again almost crying in relief from just getting that one point across. Because really, at this point, it's the only point I need to make. He pulls me closer and we sit there in silence, listening to my artificial breathing. It's not comfortable, but it's comforting. It's what I need. He's what I need. Everything has been so crazy, I just want someone to be my constant. I want someone to call home.

And even after this, he's still my home.

I still have so many worries and questions, but he's not one of them. I don't know why after everything that happened during the mission, I have no fear towards him anymore. At least, him personally. People are just hard for me to deal with right now, but here I am, staying as close to Levi as physically possible.

He whispers words he's been telling me for almost a year now. "It's okay." "You're safe." "I love you." "I'm not leaving." While rubbing shapes into my back, me makes everything feel normal again. He's Levi. The one who is s neat freak and can't cook and like Halmark movies and when I wear sweatpants and his t-shirt. The one I fell in love with.

I close my eyes, basking in the moment. It's like the end of a movie where the lighting goes from dark to bright and the music is more uplifting and suddenly everything is okay.

Everything is okay.

I can finally believe that. 

Levi kisses my forehead and asks me something that has me actually looking up at him.

"So, are you done running?" He asks and I lean my forehead on his, careful of my tube that's almost bumping into him. I nod against him and he grins. "I really want to kiss you right now." He and I roll my eyes back in an over dramatic, troubled damsel way and point to myself before holding up two fingers. He laughs and god, did I miss the sound of his laugh. I think it really is my favorite thing about him. It's just so sweet and real and it feels like a privilege to listen to it. And it is. After all this, I can just bask in him. Even if it's in a hospital bed that's seated at basically a 75 degree angle so I can rest and breath at the same time.

Honestly, if it wasn't, even this much cuddling wouldn't work because you know, it's a little hard to move. Levi is basically doing all the work, turned on his side and balancing just to stay up. He moves so one arm is under my head like a pillow and the other is resting on my hip and it's a good position. He seems more comfortable and it seems less likely that his arm will fall asleep. Which is good because I feel myself drift off. He kisses my forehead and I smile as I fall asleep, knowing I couldn't be happier anywhere else.

I'm done running.


	50. Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would come up with an excuse, but I honestly don't know where to start. We're not gonna talk about how I've been. Sorry this is so late. I hope you like it.

Hanji said I probably had about two weeks on the ventlator, so I thought I would be fine. It's just two weeks. How bad could it get?

It could get pretty fucking bad. 

I'm only a week in at the moment and I'm already struggling to occupy my time. I picked up a pad and paper and tried writing again, which is working decently. When I started, I could only use up to four letter words, but now with a week of talking to Levi, I'm improving. It's still endlessly frustrating and it takes me five minutes to write three sentences, but it's progress.

I've been using that to talk to people around me. Isabel and I talked about the mission and she mentioned that she's still a bit scared of her brother. I told her I get that, but pretty soon it'll be easier. It clicked for me so maybe it'll click for her. 

Jean and I talk a lot. He tells me things are serious with Armin and that made me smile. Armin won't tell me that kind of stuff until I'm off the ventilator. Jean also told me that the media is going crazy about me ever since the tape of what happened got released. I'm the girl wonder, which is bullshit. I wasn't even part of the plan; just lucky. And even still, lucky got me on a fucking _ventilator_.

Apparently people have been fighting to interview me which I find funny. They obviously don't know their facts considering I can't really answer questions right now.

Armin tells me about the movement to make the Shighanshian citizens legal here. He suggested it since people still didn't want to live there after the events. The hard part was subtracting that radicals, but Armin had created a psychological assessment for just that. Erwin mentioned it to me and said that it was revolutionary and I couldn't be more proud.

Farlan tells me about everyone but him. Unsurprisingly, since it's Farlan. I know he's probably been better; he looks exhausted, but when I bring it up he tells me he's been busy. He's handling the public part of the Special Ops. and it's not an easy job, but he gets paid well and he gets to go home to Isabel, so he couldn't be happier.

Mikasa doesn't say much. She comes in holding Sasha's hand. Sasha is much better this time around, babbling and cracking jokes. Before they leave, Mikasa will always say she loves me and is glad I'm alive. She hugs me and leaves. Sasha came alone one day and assured me she isn't mad, just adjusting. She has a fragile heart and stuff like this got to her so much. She wishes that it would've been her to get hurt. She did tell me that one day and I just wrote down four sentences.

"I'm sorry. I love you. I'm okay. The war is over." 

It had her sobbing in relief. She stayed that night (we even kicked Levi out to get food and shower since I swear he's becoming an insomniac.) and we talked about everything. She told me about Sasha and Armin and Hanji and Isabel and everything. She told me she approved of Levi and I being engaged. Told me she couldn't think anyone could be better fit for me. When Levi came in, she moved to sit criss cross by my feet and all three of us, or more so the two of them, talked. Mikasa, for the first time, brought up a wedding and that just threw me off. Something about a wedding at this point just seems like a formality and since Historia and Ymir...

_Wait._

"Did Historia and Ymir get married?" I ask in writing and Mikasa shakes her head. 

"They decided to postpone it. They want you to be there. Ymir was gonna make you her maid of honor, but she decided against it because she didn't want to stress you out. But you are a bridesmaid. You don't have a choice." She tells me and I smile and nod. I let them continue to talk as I close my eyes to take a nap.

When I wake up, Mikasa is gone and Levi is on his phone. The lights are off a lot of the time in my room since I constantly have headaches because of my concussion, so I haven't been able to see Levi in the light. He has marks by his eyebrow and one on his cheek. He has a long cut going up his arm, ending just before his shirt sleeve. I remember during the mission all the injuries I noticed when I first saw him that I doubt he's paid any attention to. I lean oven on the bed to look and Levi notices I'm awake right when I notice a thin brace.

"Hey, what's up?" He asks gently and I point to his foot and he looks at me in surprise for a moment before kissing my forehead. "Don't worry about me. I've done a lot of sitting in the past month and a half. It barely hurts anymore." He tells me and I smile as he takes my hand.

One think that's nice about Levi is that he isn't coddling me. He's still treating me the way he would before, knowing just when to stop. He does sugarcoat some things for my wellbeing, but it's not as bad as it used to be. He's very real with me now and doesn't hide things he thinks I shouldn't have to worry about. If I ask, he tells me straight.

A lot of people come in here and treat me differently, but he doesn't. Never has, actually. I'm always Eren to him and that's really nice. He's patient with me as I heal and I couldn't be happier about it. I'm still taking everything slow to come back to our relationship and he isn't pushing me.

He doesn't sleep with me all that often just because I wake up in various states. I still have a lot of nightmares. I'm sure he does too; a kid got shot in the head right next to him, you don't go through that unaffected. There are no doubts in my mind that he doesn't have problems that he should probably talk to someone about.

I wonder about Farlan too. He says he only really talks to me about what happened and I don't think that's very healthy. At least Isabel is seeing a therapist.

I've wondered about asking Levi about what he went through and decided against it. I mean, he still doesn't know everything that happened during the second mission. It only makes sense that he would react similarly. Even if he didn't, he'll tell me when he's ready. 

I drift off again and don't even realize it until someone else is sitting in Levi's chair.

Now, I've heard a thing or two about Eld. About how he wasn't ready to see me. Levi scratched the surface; Gunther was really on our side, but I haven't heard anything from Eld. Just looking at him, I know it's not good.

"You don't look too hot." I joke on paper and he chuckles, giving me a genuine, but tired smile. His eyes are deep and he's let his facial hair become shaggy. He's gained a little weight, but thats probably more from the lack of training. He looks okay; not great, but okay.

"You don't look too good either. How you feeling?" He asks and signals for a thumbs up or down. I wiggle it in between and he smiles. "Well, then you feel like shit and you're lying." He jokes and I'd be laughing if I could. His smile slips and he looks down.

"I... I understand what you went through. When you thought Levi was against you. I talked to Gunther after we got back and he admitted to using me. It's just..." He pauses and closes his eyes before looking up at me. "I have to thank you." He says and he must see my confusion, so he continues.

"I watched you stay strong through everything and you had it worse than everyone the whole time. You had to hide that you were a girl. Your friends became enemies, you had to kill people, you almost got killed. After the very end, after seeing everything, I thought about offing myself. And you're the reason I didn't." He tells me and my eyes widen.

"I thought about how even when you had been shot twice through the lungs, you were still fighting to stay alive. No matter what happened, you were determined to live, even when you had lost all hope. I want to say thank you for that. You inspired me. You always saw life as something precious and you made me believe it too." He tells me and I stretch and grab his hand, ignoring how my heart rate increases and the touch almost stings. I guess it's only getting easier with Levi. He gets up and kisses my forehead before squeezing my hand and letting go. "Get some rest, okay? You need as much sleep as possible." He says and I try my best to smile around my tube.

Sometimes in life, you don't realize who you affect. Sure, I've hurt a lot of people, but I'm starting to see that I've saved some people to. Eld is a perfect example. If I can stop him from doing something like that, I can't be all bad, right?

Being here has given me some time to work on myself. To see that I'm not as bad as I still think I am. I'm working on it. With Levi's and Hanji's help, my mindset is becoming more healthy and I'm becoming happy. I want to heal. I'm _going_ to heal. Hopefully. I'm still working on my positivity.

I'm not anywhere near healthy yet, I'm working on it, just as I'm sure Eld is. As I'm sure everyone is. Progress is key right now, but it honestly still shocks me about Gunther. I've heard a few things about it, but just the fact that he went so far as to hurt Eld. I remember when I thought Levi had done that to me. Nothing has ever hurt like that did.

I don't even realize I'm crying until someone sits at the edge of the bed in front of me. I look up to see Levi, his hand slowly move to my face so I can see it, but I don't let him finish before I wrap my arms around him, my pad of paper pressed between us as I pull him into me. He seems surprised at first, but returns the embrace. "I love you, too." He whispers and I smile, knowing he understands what I'm saying. He pulls me away and kisses my forehead, his arms loosely around my waist and I just look at him as he starts to fill me in on things. He tells me about how he had lunch with Isabel and how she seems to be returning to herself, full of words and smiles. She's changed, but he's still Isabel. Also how he walked in on Hanji and Erwin and they just shrugged while Levi left. I'm chuckling through my nose at his disturbed reaction.

It's nice to just listen to Levi as he talks, not having to worry about anything but his words. I had thought that returning back to normal would be harder than it's going. Holding him is easier. Sometimes I wake up in a panic, but it's becoming less and less about him. My panics are starting to lessen altogether, too. It's like I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I still sometimes wonder if I'll make it to the end of the tunnel, but that's when he helps me the most. I never put much stock into needing people. Hell, even after I loved Levi I was scared of needing him, but now I know I do and that isn't bad. I need him like I need to get better.

"Eren?" His voice snaps me out of my thoughts and I decided that I can't let him go. One of my hands stays on his shoulder while another one absentmindedly plays with his hair as I stare at just who he is. I still wonder why he's here? How did I get so lucky? Sure, I may have almost died, but that almost doesn't seem important right now. I'm losing my impending sense of dread. It's always been here, but it's lessening. Slowly but surely. I feel less alone, which even I know is strange. I've never been alone. 

I'm not alone.

I take my pad of paper and write out three words I don't know if I've ever been able to say.

_I trust you._

When Levi sees it, he just looks shocked as if he doesn't know what to say. It's almost sad that I'm so in love with him, but I just now can completely trust him. Maybe that's why I feel so different. I'm not alone. He smiles and leans his head on mine. He doesn't say anything and I don't move to write. I close my eyes and with one hand threaded in his hair, I grab him other hand, and I feel okay. I decide I like the feeling. 

With him holding me just like this, I know everything will be okay.


	51. Mirror

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just don't ask. I'm really trying, I'm sorry it's taken so long. I hope you guys enjoy the chapter and I am so, so sorry it took so long. Next chapter will be cute, I swear.

Getting taken off the ventilator was the most painful experiences of my life. And I've been shot so many times, I've lost count. It's just that you forget how to breathe on your own after awhile and when you're slowly allowed less and less oxygen from a machine, it's similar to a drowning experience. I only wear IV's when I need to, so I sleep without them slog.

Levi hasn't left my side this whole time. He sits in the chair next to me. I've been showing signs of progress. 

Also, I'm figuring out how to write again. I practice every night when I try to talk to people. I can see it all in my head, I just have trouble putting it on paper, so conversations are slow. But it's progress. I can communicate and it's progress. Hanji has been giving me weight gaining supplements that seem to be doing little to nothing. I've been on them for two weeks.

Apparently, I found out when Hanji had me read the paper, I'm a hot topic in the news. Whether it's about my injuries or the successful mission or even Levi and I. People want to know all about me, which I find pretty funny. I don't exactly have the most glamorous life.

Right now, I'm with Levi and Hanji. Big surprise there. A lot of people come and see me, but Levi stays constant. Armin told me he think that's Levi and I can return to normal, but I still have a few doubts. I hope we can. I still love him, but I just feel so... weak right now. I don't really feel as worthy of him as I did before. I panic when he touches me without me watching him do it.

Armin looks like he wants to slap me every time I shit down, knowing why, but he doesn't and that alone says it all. He's never had a problem slapping sense into me before, but now he can't. I physically and mentally can't take a hit.

I hardly even know what to do anymore when Levi gets his panic attacks. Most of the time I just sit up and take his hand. That normally calms him down and I kind of hate it because it tells me I'm the reason he gets his panic attacks.

Levi is now sitting next to me as Hanji finally takes the tube out. It's feels really fucking weird because it feels like I'm throwing it up. Levi is rubbing my shoulder as it's finally taken out and Hanji quickly puts the oxygen thing around my head and in my nose. "Now take deep breaths in your nose. That's going to be the easiest way to breathe." I listen to her instructions and for the first time in about two months, I'm breathing. She watches me for about two minutes before standing up. "That's really good, Eren. I'll check in in a little bit. Levi can monitor you. If you need anything, you know where the call button is." She says to me and turns to leave the room. 

I turn to Levi as I breathe heavily. He's smiling at me and I honestly don't know how. He's still massaging my shoulder as I lean and rest my head on his forehead. 

"You're doing so good." He whispers to me and I wish I could talk to him, but I'm focusing on not passing out right now. I close my eyes as his arms move down to my waist, making me jump a bit, but I eventually relax into him. I move so my arms and legs and on either side on him and my head just hangs on his shoulder. I breathe the way Hanji told me to as he rubs soothing circles into my back, whispering reassurances as I take steady breaths. "You're so strong. You're doing so well." He whispers in my ear before lightly kissing my shoulder and god, I need to remember to breathe evenly. I pull away and take his face in my hands, leaning my forehead on his. His arms stay draped around my waist and he tells me everything will be okay.

And I try believe him.

We end up falling asleep in our prior position, me hanging on his wide frame as we keep each other propped up. 

I wake up hours later, struggling to breathe at all. It's a nightmare. Of course it is, they're honestly pretty common. I note that Levi is still asleep and move to use the bathroom. I know there's a cane by my bed and I can use that. It's embarrassing to ask Levi to help me walk to the bathroom, but I've had to a lot recently. I get up to my feet and to the door before anyone notices I'm up, and it's not Levi who notices. When I get outside the door, it's Historia standing outside.

She looks healthy. That's the first thing I notice and it's probably because I know I don't look healthy. She looks healthy, like she's been away from craziness for long enough to fully heal and honestly, she looks out of place here. For some reason, I feel like I should bow despite how many times she's told me not to. She wraps her arms around me, loosely enough so I can breathe before taking my arm, and it actually doesn't hurt. I point to the bathroom and she nods, walking me down to it.

It's the first time I've seen Historia since before the mission. I heard she visited when I was under, and while I saw Ymir, I didn't get to see her. I quickly use the bathroom and stand in the door of the stall. Should I look in the mirror? I look to Historia and she takes my arm, walking me to the sink, but I stop when I see myself. 

I look dead. I don't know how else to describe it. I look like I should not be alive right now. I'm beyond frail, looking more like a skeleton than a human. I'm pale too, certain parts of my skin are blue or purple from bruising. She comes up behind me in the mirror as I try to stop myself from crying.

"You're beautiful, Eren." She's says and I shake my head. She turns me towards her and frowns. "Eren, you're a beautiful, strong girl and I'm so sorry you had to go through everything you did." She tells me and I hug her this time. I find it peculiar that I can touch her and it doesn't hurt. Maybe because she wasn't nearly as involved in all of this as the others, which is a relief. She was needed elsewhere, and she's better for it.

"Can I do something for you?" She asks and I nod. She pulls out her phone and smiles as she clicks at it. "Saturday night next week I'm doing something for you." She says vaguely and smiles at me. She takes my arm. "Let me get you back to your room." She says and we slowly move back. It's nice to have her with me. Maybe it because of everything we've been through, but it's surprisingly calming to have her here.

When I get back to my room, Levi is awake, standing when I walk in with a smile. I walk over to his and he kisses my temple. Historia waves goodbye and leaves quietly.

"That was odd." Levi says and I nod. I get back into bed, but find myself unable to fall back asleep next to Levi's sleeping figure. I don't know what it is, but I wasn't ready to see myself. I know I weighed 100lbs before my last surgery, so I only wonder what ungodly weight I'm at now.

And I just look so.. dead. I don't want to feel like this. I want to get better, but is it really that easy? 

I reach to my nightstand and pick up a pad of paper and a pen.

Let's start from square one.

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me what you think! I'm tracking this on tumblr as:
> 
> #fic:HAS
> 
> My URL:
> 
> http://lavalampwriting.tumblr.com


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